mamas who were traumatized by birth pain - Page 3

[holyhelianthus]

meowee~

The baby born at this birth turned out to me the sweetest, most docile, kindest, gentlest person I've ever met. I have trouble reconciling the fact that something so sweet emerged from this crushing experience.

this is EXACTLY me with Olive. she is always smiling and laughing. every time anyone (stranger or no) looks at her she gets this huge smile and laughs. she has been "talking" since she was a few months and since we first brought her home she has smiled and smiled. i look at her and i just don't get it. the birth and even the pregnancy was so awful i expected it to be damaging to her like it was to me. but here she is! my mom calls her Jollie Ollie.

[prettypixels]

First, a huge huge hug to everyone who has posted... and the mamas who are reading and nodding, but haven't posted.

I had a traumatic birth. I was extremely prepared, I did hypnobabies, I read tons of birth stories, watched birth videos, had all the props. I was totally unprepared for the fact that it would hurt from the very beginning to the end. From the time I was in transition through birth, my midwives were pushy, aggressive, and so negative. I kept saying "I can't," and "Please help me!" It's pitiful! My midwives were like "NO. Stop talking! No more noise!" Uggghhh. I really never expected them to be like that, so I was really shocked. I birthed a 9lb 4 oz baby who was a little stuck and crooked and I pushed her out in about a half hour... which is amazing. It would have been so nice to hear that I was doing great, almost done... instead I felt like they were disappointed in me and like I was a failure for feeling SO MUCH pain. I literally felt like I was birthing a bowling ball covered in razor blades. It was horrible. Pushing hurt like crazy. It was not at all what I had expected or hoped for.

I also kept begging my midwife not to leave me... like I thought she'd be so disgusted with me she would just walk out!

At my 72 hr visit with her assistant I asked her about how I'd done. I don't remember what I said. But the assistant told me they'd just been giving me "tough love." That I'd been AMAZING and wonderful and done so well, and that for her own birth she was "out of her mind" with pain. Well you know... that would've been great to hear DURING! :

I'm glad I was home, I'm glad I had a natural birth, but natural birth is certainly not the kumbaya-fest some people seem to think it is! For me, anyways.

[Jenivere]

I hesitate to post in this thread because I think "was it really that bad?" Compared to others it wasn't but it still scares me and the thought of another birth like my last one... I had a hospital birth that while not ideal was by no means awful and then I had a really awesome home-birth that made me feel great! They lasted 7 1/2 and 5 1/2 hours.

So when I woke up that Sunday morning to use the bathroom and felt my first contraction I was excited. It was just getting light out and it was a lovely day. I was thinking it would be great to have a baby in the cool early morning hours. I called my midwife's partner to let her know. The day dragged on with inconsistent contractions that didn't seem to be going anywhere. My mom was there cleaning and helping with my kids but in a way kind of bugging me because I just wanted to crawl into my corner and be alone. I didn't want to chat, entertain or anything like that. By later afternoon it was settling down a bit more and by early evening was really starting to hurt so I told my midwife to come. About an hour or so after she go there she did a check and I was at eight. I was happy to hear that but wishing it was more.

The next three hours dragged on with the contractions getting worse and worse. I'm not sure but I think pushing lasted around 2 hours and it was agony. The longer it went on the worse it got. Nothing they did really helped and no position felt good. No matter how hard I tried she just would not come out. I was on my knees, on all fours, laying on my side, laying on my back, pushing with my legs against my midwife. Nothing was working! It was intense and without breaks, I couldn't catch my breath and I was crying. I knew I couldn't keep it much longer and I think it occurred to my midwife as well, she got a concerned and serious look on her face and really encouraged me to push as hard as I could. Normally she is a laid back, let you labor how you want and she never tried to take over but the tone in her voice was what I needed. After a few more pushed I finally was done.

She was 7 lb. 10 oz and in the prefect position so I don't know why she was so hard. I look at these other stories and think it wasn't so bad but it was. It was awful and I never want to go through that again, I have never hurt so much, been so tired, frustrated, scared, worn out, in pain in my life.

When my milk came in a few days later without my know and without engorgement I told my husband it was my reward for her birth.

I have memories of my mom telling me I was scaring my kids and thinking she really didn't need to say that. My midwife's partner kept putting her hand in me during pushing and I can't remember why all I know is it was frustrating because it didn't feel good and when she took it out the pressure was gone for just a moment and I thought it's over but it wasn't. It just made it worse!

I did not handle it with grace and I don't want that to happen again. I'm really wanting another baby now but I'm still scared.

[guestmama9911]

It finally hit me yesterday. I wanted to give the baby her first sponge bath and asked my husband where her special purple towel ended up. He said the last he saw it, it was in the dryer. They kept running it to keep ot warm for when the baby emerged.

I don't know why, but that did it for me, and no amount of "at least you got a healthy baby out of it" makes me feel any better. I will probably never feel a baby emerge from me and I'm sad about it.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by alisaterry

It finally hit me yesterday. I wanted to give the baby her first sponge bath and asked my husband where her special purple towel ended up. He said the last he saw it, it was in the dryer. They kept running it to keep ot warm for when the baby emerged.

I don't know why, but that did it for me, and no amount of "at least you got a healthy baby out of it" makes me feel any better. I will probably never feel a baby emerge from me and I'm sad about it.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by Jenivere

I hesitate to post in this thread because I think "was it really that bad?" Compared to others it wasn't but it still scares me and the thought of another birth like my last one... I had a hospital birth that while not ideal was by no means awful and then I had a really awesome home-birth that made me feel great! They lasted 7 1/2 and 5 1/2 hours.

So when I woke up that Sunday morning to use the bathroom and felt my first contraction I was excited. It was just getting light out and it was a lovely day. I was thinking it would be great to have a baby in the cool early morning hours. I called my midwife's partner to let her know. The day dragged on with inconsistent contractions that didn't seem to be going anywhere. My mom was there cleaning and helping with my kids but in a way kind of bugging me because I just wanted to crawl into my corner and be alone. I didn't want to chat, entertain or anything like that. By later afternoon it was settling down a bit more and by early evening was really starting to hurt so I told my midwife to come. About an hour or so after she go there she did a check and I was at eight. I was happy to hear that but wishing it was more.

The next three hours dragged on with the contractions getting worse and worse. I'm not sure but I think pushing lasted around 2 hours and it was agony. The longer it went on the worse it got. Nothing they did really helped and no position felt good. No matter how hard I tried she just would not come out. I was on my knees, on all fours, laying on my side, laying on my back, pushing with my legs against my midwife. Nothing was working! It was intense and without breaks, I couldn't catch my breath and I was crying. I knew I couldn't keep it much longer and I think it occurred to my midwife as well, she got a concerned and serious look on her face and really encouraged me to push as hard as I could. Normally she is a laid back, let you labor how you want and she never tried to take over but the tone in her voice was what I needed. After a few more pushed I finally was done.

She was 7 lb. 10 oz and in the prefect position so I don't know why she was so hard. I look at these other stories and think it wasn't so bad but it was. It was awful and I never want to go through that again, I have never hurt so much, been so tired, frustrated, scared, worn out, in pain in my life.

When my milk came in a few days later without my know and without engorgement I told my husband it was my reward for her birth.

I have memories of my mom telling me I was scaring my kids and thinking she really didn't need to say that. My midwife's partner kept putting her hand in me during pushing and I can't remember why all I know is it was frustrating because it didn't feel good and when she took it out the pressure was gone for just a moment and I thought it's over but it wasn't. It just made it worse!

I did not handle it with grace and I don't want that to happen again. I'm really wanting another baby now but I'm still scared.

i think one of the worse things mamas do to themselves and birth professionals do to mamas is act like there has to be an obvious reason. there does not! it is what it is. you were in awful pain, Jen. period. there doesn't need to be a reason or an excuse for your hurt to be valid.

[USAmma]

I chose to have epidurals because I knew that I would not be able to tolerate the birth pain in a normal way. I had a childhood of physical abuse and I associate pain with that and I get very stressed and it brings back a lot of bad feelings. I wanted the births to not be clouded by bad memories and associations. My labors were stong and hard starting out until I got my epidurals and it was really almost too much to bear because I could not escape the pain. Afterwards I felt in control of the births a lot more. I know a lot of people hate epidurals because they feel strapped down, unable to move, and out of control, but I had the oppsite feeling. It was a relief. I coudl focus on the miracle of the baby rather than the horror of my past, the rush of fear and anxiety.

I am taking anatomy right now and we are learning about pain and the nervous system. Some people are just more sensitive to pain, and some people also don't produce endorphins (the body's natural painkiller) as well as others. What one person experiences as discomfort, another experiences as horrible pain. We are all different and you just cannot compare one person's birth experience with another's. It may just be that you are a lot more sensitive to pain and feel it more than the next person. ((HUGS))

[TCMoulton]

I can relate to each and every story posted here. I went into birth with the belief that I had an insanely high pain tolerance (I have had most of my dental work done without novocaine because of my pain tolerance and fear of needles) but the birth of my 1st DD was too much for me to bear. I have always felt as if I was a 2nd class member here because I begged for my epidural, as if I was not worthy of membership in this community because I was weakk and asked for pain relief. Thank you for making a place where we can feel safe to post our feelings without fear of being chastized for being unable to deal with our pain.

[Jenivere]

Originally Posted by magstphil

i think one of the worse things mamas do to themselves and birth professionals do to mamas is act like there has to be an obvious reason. there does not! it is what it is. you were in awful pain, Jen. period. there doesn't need to be a reason or an excuse for your hurt to be valid.

Thanks Maggie. Birth lasted 15 1/2 hours, I don't know how woman handle these 36 and 48 hours because I could not do it. I'm just praying that the next time around things go smoother. As much as I love my mom I don't think I want all day company again like that. When my daughter acted scared they sent her to me and i talked to her and kissed her to let her know I was ok but in the end my mom was so upset she took the kids away for a walk so they were not there for the actual birth and that still hurts. It all makes me sad and scared which is why i think i never wrote her story down.

[LaLaLaLa]

Wow, this is the thread for me. I really thought giving birth to dd would be no problem, as my mom had not much pain at all and wasn't even in labor long enough to get any drugs into her system. It seemed leading up to it that it would be no big deal. BIG surprise that day--it felt like someone had lit a fire inside of my hip joints and that fire was crawling back and forth between my hips and knees. Plus the abdominal and back pain. Not great, so I got the epidural, which they ended up turning off toward the end of my pushing.

I popped out dd, the doctor handed her off to dh and whisked me off to the operating room where he put me under general anesthesia to sew up all of the tears in my body. Dh said he's never seen so much blood, and my doctor refused to reveal to me exactly how many stitches he put into my body. It was MONTHS before I was back to normal. The first two days of dd's life are a complete blur, which is a little sad.

At my six-week postpartum visit, I asked flat-out if my doctor would give me a c-section if I ever got pregnant again. Without hesitation he said yes. Otherwise, I would not have had a second child. I know it's a very controversial topic here, but I never thought to have a problem with c-sections. Let me tell you, my planned one was LOVELY.

[mrsdocmartin]

I so understand the feelings of so many of you. I allowed myself to be pressured into an induction. My son is my first child and I was just so scared something was going to happen to him. The pitocin contractions were so bad. I thought it would feel good to push, but it hurt SO bad. My labor was awful and I am sad that the experience really wasn't beautiful. It was medical, and long and horribly painful. When DS came out, he was covered in meconium, so they wisked him away and didn't even tell me he was a boy. I had to ask and DH told me. Luckily, he was perfect and they got the meconium out, so it was worth it. He did latch right away and at least BF has gone well. I love him so much and want to give him lots of brothers and sisters. I am so scared of giving birth again though.

[crwilson]

I just found out that my midwife gave me Pitocin, without asking me, or even telling me, and against my specific requests that I NOT be given Pitocin. When she suggested that she break my water, I asked if I would have to get Pitocin and she said no. I just looked through my medical bills carefully for the first time since dd was born, and what do you know, I was given Pitocin right after she broke my water, even though at that point my contractions were about 3 minutes apart. (I had been having contractions for 48 hours at that point). I guess that's why my contractions got so overwhelming so quickly and why they were so painful.

Why is it so much to ask that we're given a say about what goes into our bodies during labor? I feel like my midwife was just humoring me, saying what I wanted to hear, and then doing what she wanted to do anyway.

[meowee]

I can tell you without a doubt that it has little or nothing to do with pain tolerance. If it were a question of pain tolerance, why would one mom be able to have a number of births without pain meds, yet suddenly be hit with one where she feels she is dying of pain? Some births are much more painful than others. This is why I get practically enraged when some woman talks about her pain tolerance being wonderful because she got through an unmedicated birth. I always want to say, well guess what, I got through three of them without even thinking of an epidural. Then I was hit with a birth that has more painful than all three of those births combined, and then some (a LOT more some!). People can't understand this unless they've been through it.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

BIG surprise that day--it felt like someone had lit a fire inside of my hip joints and that fire was crawling back and forth between my hips and knees.

Interesting!! This is called "leg labor." Very few women get this (as far as I know). I had leg labor starting with my third, but it was bearable, at least compared to me "killer" birth which was number 4. What people don't understand about leg labor is that when it's bad enough, you cannot stand , walk, or move through contractions, because your legs are pretty much paralyzed or will buckle underneath you.

I also unapologetically sought an alternative for my next birth. I am not putting myself at risk of that pain, ever again, even though I know chances are that I probably will not have as painful a birth. I actually admire you for being brave enough to ask for a c-section... I know that might sound strange, but I really mean it. It's not easy, as someone who believes in natural birth, to accept that you cannot subject yourself to the same trauma, no matter what.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by prettypixels

I had a traumatic birth. I was extremely prepared, I did hypnobabies, I read tons of birth stories, watched birth videos, had all the props.

Me too! I was SO confident and prepared going into this birth. I was at home, in the water, had done the herbs, had the midwife everyone drooled over... all to no avail.

[guestmama9911]

Originally Posted by crwilson

I just found out that my midwife gave me Pitocin, without asking me, or even telling me, and against my specific requests that I NOT be given Pitocin. When she suggested that she break my water, I asked if I would have to get Pitocin and she said no. I just looked through my medical bills carefully for the first time since dd was born, and what do you know, I was given Pitocin right after she broke my water, even though at that point my contractions were about 3 minutes apart. (I had been having contractions for 48 hours at that point). I guess that's why my contractions got so overwhelming so quickly and why they were so painful.

Why is it so much to ask that we're given a say about what goes into our bodies during labor? I feel like my midwife was just humoring me, saying what I wanted to hear, and then doing what she wanted to do anyway.

That would enrage me. You should send her a letter and let her know how you feel about this.

[iloveoregon]

My long story.....

I prepared. I am healthy, I walked alot during pregnancy, I ate very well, I read so many books, sought out wonderful midwives, found a beautiful birth center with tubs for waterbirths, did my kegels and squats, I understood why natural was best, I was so excited about experiencing birth- I thought I was ready to handle the pain....But it wasn't just pain. I had agonizing back labor. With every contraction it felt like my lower back was literally on fire. But for 17 hours I endured it, thinking that as soon as it was time to push that it would be over soon. Nope. My baby's head was tilted and she just wasn't going to come out. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I pushed so hard and everyone would get excited and then nothing would happen. This pusing went on for 5.5 hours. It was so discouraging hearing everyone telling me that I was doing great, but then no baby was coming out. After 5.5 hours I was done, I wanted a c-section, I wanted an epidural. It makes me sad remembering that, but I was in so much pain at the time and so so tired and convinced I couldn't push this baby out. I was ready to transfer to the hospital but it was a 15 minute car ride and I didn't think I could handle that. I felt stuck, staying at the birth center meant more fruitless pushing, going to the hospital meant a probably c-section, "failing" to go natural, and an agonizing car ride. I was terrified either way.

Finally, one last attempt on the birthing stool gave way to a beautiful baby girl. she is perfect and healthy but I felt ripped apart, ruined, and traumatized. I had a 3rd degree tear (never expected that!) and incredible swelling. I could barely walk for a week. I couldn't even stand up straight. I couldn't sit comfortably, could barely hold my baby, couldn't even put my own pants on without help. I was not prepared for how awful I would feel in the postpartum. I had heard about people walking around and going home right after giving birth. This was not me. It's been 4 weeks and I am still healing. I don't know what was worse- the back labor/pushing, or the horrible tear and painful postpartum period. I never want to go through that again.

I am scared that I will never heal completely. I'm scared to have sex. I'm scared to ride a bike. I know it's still early...I'm trying to give it time.

thanks for listening...it helps to write about it.

[LaLaLaLa]

Originally Posted by iloveoregon

I had heard about people walking around and going home right after giving birth.

My mom, the same one who told me that giving birth happened super-quick and pretty painlessly, gave birth in an Army hospital (my dad was in the service at the time). The morning after she gave birth to my brother (around ten at night), an Army nurse was in her room, handing her sheets. The morning after having her first child drug-free, my mom CHANGED HER OWN HOSPITAL BEDSHEETS. I can't think of a crazier story. Army folks are tough, I guess.


Meowee, I somehow can't figure out how to do more than one quote in a reply.... I'm still learning how to navigate the site. But the leg labor was a bit of a surprise for me, as I hadn't heard about it before. It shouldn't have been surprising, though, as the same thing happens during my periods, to a lesser degree. I guess that's just how my body handles uterine stress, by sending that pain over to my leg joints?

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

My mom, the same one who told me that giving birth happened super-quick and pretty painlessly, gave birth in an Army hospital (my dad was in the service at the time). The morning after she gave birth to my brother (around ten at night), an Army nurse was in her room, handing her sheets. The morning after having her first child drug-free, my mom CHANGED HER OWN HOSPITAL BEDSHEETS. I can't think of a crazier story. Army folks are tough, I guess.

Army folks are tough? When giving birth happens super-quick and pretty painlessly? Hmmm if my birth was super-quick and pretty painless, maybe I'd have been in shape to change those sheets too. I think the thing for most of us here is that it wasn't pretty painless. If she'd had hemorraging or a super painful long birth, I wonder if she'd have been able to change those sheets, army or not....or not without dizziness, heavier bleeding, etc.

[LaLaLaLa]

Originally Posted by Emese'sMom

Army folks are tough? When giving birth happens super-quick and pretty painlessly? Hmmm if my birth was super-quick and pretty painless, maybe I'd have been in shape to change those sheets too. I think the thing for most of us here is that it wasn't pretty painless. If she'd had hemorraging or a super painful long birth, I wonder if she'd have been able to change those sheets, army or not....or not without dizziness, heavier bleeding, etc.

Never mean to offend.... I meant the nurse who made a new mama change her own sheets was tough, not necessarily my mom, although, for the record, she IS tough, too. My mom wasn't Army, just married into the culture.