mamas who were traumatized by birth pain - Page 4

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

Never mean to offend.... I meant the nurse who made a new mama change her own sheets was tough, not necessarily my mom, although, for the record, she IS tough, too. My mom wasn't Army, just married into the culture.

Oh! Thanks for clarifying. After I posted I re-read your post and thought it could have been read both ways. Please forgive.
And I'm sure your mama IS a tough cookie!

[springmama]

I'm glad I'm not alone. After reading some of your stories I just want to say that you all have a great job. Giving birth is hard, hard, hard. I think that what matters is that we all tried our best and we shouldn't have to feel that we failed because we weren't serene and peaceful while feeling mindnumbing pain! Let me tell my stories. I had two great and amazing birth center births with our loving midwife. It wouldn't suprise me if her ears are still ringing from all of my screaming during the birth of my son 3 months ago - lol! The pain of childbirth floored me both times but especially with my 9lb son. My births are slow paced and it is hard on me. The pain is greateer than anything I could ever imagine. For me natural is the only way to go. I think that being in the hospital would freak me out beyond belief and there's no way I could do it there w/out taking drugs and natural birth is so important to me. But I must say I just don't deal well with the pain during labor. After the baby is born I feel high and ecstatic but during it is absolute hell and I feel so scared.

My first birth was 9 hours of active labor and an hour and a half of pushing. DD was op until she turned during pushing so I had horrible back pain. With her I went from 3-8 within two hours (very intense) and then labor went back to its slow pace but it got so intense. There were a handful of screams and at one point I did beg to go to the hospital. I was pretty whiny and kept asking MW how much longer and if it was going to hurt more. Once dd was born I was ecstatic. The birth of the placenta and removal of the clots was awful. Then I hemorraged and needed pit and meth, uterine massage and nipple stim, that was scary. Overall the pain and intensity of the contractions was way too much for me. Pushing felt better and once she was born I was totally high. I felt guilty for months that her birth was hard for me. I thought that since I was committed to natural birth that I could just take the pain of labor. Not so!

With my son I was scared to give birth. I remembered the pain of the first time. His birth was so hard. I was uncomfortable up to 4 cm then labor began to stall and I got really edgy and scared. MW said that I needed to get out of the tub and lay on the bed and do nipple stim to bring on stronger contractions. Things began to get really painful. I had to get up and walk to deal. but MW said that laying down was making them stronger and we wanted strong contractions to move things along. I got stuck at 5 cm and my cervix was starting to get puffy from all my walking around. MW kept telling me that I needed to lay down to bring on the srtong cx's. Oh it was so painful to lay down through them. MW broke my water in an attempt to speed things up. It helped a little but the problem lay with how ds was presenting with the side of his head and his head extended not flexed. MW had to massage my cervix over his head for 40 minutes during each cx. At one point I just started freaking out. I didn't want to lay down on that bed, I wanted to go home and be done with it. I said that I had to go to the hospital and get drugs. my birth team stood firm with me and eventually I begrudgingly lay down on the bed and screamed my way through it. The nwe moved to the birthing stool and MW kept massaging getting me closer and closer to 10cm. I started pushing and that felt better but I was still in so much pain. I can't even describe to you the way it felt. Bone crushing cx's and my midwife's hand in my vagina. Then after some time of pushing MW said that I needed to be flat on my back to get babe's head under the pubic bone. Oh I didn't want to go back to that f#%*ing bed!!!! So I lay down and got to work and I squeezed dh's hand so hard I'm suprised it didn't break and told him that he was getting a vasectomy and that I was never going to do this again. At least the screaming stopped for second stage. Pushing gives me something to focus on and so Ican deal with it better. I was pushing to the point of almost passing out. The baby's head came out so slowly (in retrospect this was good to avoid tearing) once it was out all the way MW had me flip over on to hands&knees because ds had stuck shoulders. She did a great job of getting him out. But it was totally crazy and intense. With every push I would bring my bottom down and she needed my bum in the air, because she had half her forearm in me trying to manuver his arm. It was all happening so fast and everything was urgent. MW was barking orders and we were all so confused and scared. He came out after much work and started crying quickly. MW thought for sure that she was going to have revive him. She said that even when he was out to his belly she was still having to pull on him.

I read "birthing from within" and took prenatal yoga. I thougt than I would be peaceful and serene the second time. I panicked, I screamed, I shouted that I thought I was going to die, at one point I even said, "just kill me and get it over with." I never imagined that pain could feel like that. I am ashamed that I can't birth with ease like some women can. I feel badly that I screamed my way through the last few hours of my labor. I wonder if it was traumatizing for the baby to hear me llike that. I keep telling myself that I did what I needed to do to get my babies out. I feel proud that I did it naturally but I wish that I had done it peacefully. What is done is done and they are here and I love them more than anything.

I kept apologizing after the birth for being so difficult. I wrote MW a letter and gave it to her at our six week visit. I explained to her how she helped me so much. I am glad that I was in a safe place. She began to cry adn told me that at one point she said to herself "You are being mean to her, let her go to the hospital she is in so much pain." But then she told me that she reflected on dd's birth and knew in her heart that I could do it. During labor when I beg to go get frugs she told me that I would hate myself if I did go. She was right I would have. I am thankful to her , her assistant and dh for backing me up when I doubted my ability. I just hope that their eardrums are ok! And ds is is a happy healthy 16lb 3 month old!

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by springmama

I read "birthing from within" and took prenatal yoga. I thougt than I would be peaceful and serene the second time. I panicked, I screamed, I shouted that I thought I was going to die, at one point I even said, "just kill me and get it over with." I never imagined that pain could feel like that. I am ashamed that I can't birth with ease like some women can. I feel badly that I screamed my way through the last few hours of my labor. I wonder if it was traumatizing for the baby to hear me llike that. I keep telling myself that I did what I needed to do to get my babies out. I feel proud that I did it naturally but I wish that I had done it peacefully. What is done is done and they are here and I love them more than anything.

I just wish there were more resources for coping when the pain gets so bad like that. Except that there really isn't.......at a certain point you just have to go THROUGH it--the only way out is through. And I feel like a lot of the NB literature doesn't really accept/support a version of NCB that isn't the peaceful roaring mama version of things.

Sorry I'm rambling. About to give birth again and perhaps a little cagey.

[canuckgal]

Good thread...

First birth was pretty textbook. My second, however, was pure hell. I had 3 days of prodromal labor, and dozed off and on the first 2 nites, couldn't stay in bed at all through the 3rd night. Arrived at the hospital I worked at as an L&D RN, and was checked and found to be a whole whopping 1cm! Talk about embarrassing! I took Morphine in hopes that it would knock out my labor (I was so tired and desparate at this point, I just wanted a nap!) but didn't realize that it was already picking up steam on it's own.

Big mistake. I went from a cm to delivering in 4 hours. Yikes, I would never want to go throught that again! 4 Yrs later, I still cringe when caring for a woman with a rip roaring fast labor. The pain I went through would have been more tolerable if I wasn't so tired and hadn't been so foggy from the morphine. I felt like I was going to break in half, and it was one big never ending contraction. I just could not get a grip on myself, and just basically screamed and bit (dh, on the arm, and also myself to muffle my screaming), swore, and was just beserk for the whole time...just the whole out of control feeling was traumatizing enough!

Dh was more than happy to agree to a vasectomy.

[Gremco]

Hi! My name is Gremco, and I had a traumatizing birth.

On July 19th, I go into a routine visit. I am having sporadic contractions, not bad at all. I find out I am at a 2 and the baby has dropped. The MW says I might have it that weekend, but should have it next week. I am excited. I go home, call my mom. She is excited. The next day, contractions pick up. Ten minutes apart. Not painful, but noticeable. I was counting all through work. Let them know its almost time. I am so excited. During the weekend, contractions pick up. Every five minutes, stronger, but nothing that knocks me off my feet. Go get checked at MW. 3 cm, 80% baby still in same place. I go walking which makes the contractions suck, bu not too bad. The weekend passes, no baby. Still every 5 minutes. Call work and let them know I'm in labor, won't be coming in. The next week passes. The contractions are still 5 minutes apart. ALL DAY LONG. I walk several hours a day which bumps contractions to 3 minutes apart. They are really starting to bother me. My birthday comes. ALL I want is the baby out. I have a few friends that call every day with "Is she here yet?" NO! SHE'S NOT! I will call you. I stop answering my phone. Another week passes. Still every 5 minutes. Still sucks. I have gone to 4 cm, 90% effaced. Baby isn't dropping. MW tells me she is posterior. I get nervous. I have been having constant contractions for two weeks. it hurts. I beg for pictocin to get something to happen. Anything. She can't give me pictocin, but gives me a shot to make me sleep. Says when I wake up it should either be full blown labor or stop. It does neither. Still every 5 minutes. I talk to the midwife about being transfered to the hospital to be induced. I can't stand this anymore. I have to wait until the following Monday to make an appointment. Monday I set and appointment for Friday. Wednesday, August 8th 10am. I go into full blown labor. Hooray. I walk until I'm sore. I squat through contractions to try to get the baby down in the right position. It hurts. I whimper through contractions. At 8pm we go into the midwife. It hurts so bad for her to check me. 5 cm, 100% effaced. Its soon right? I walk some more. Contractions are horrible and I start to count through them. They slow down by 7, now 10, now 15. 10 pm, checked again, loose 5 com. Break my water. Bumps things up a notch. I ask to get in the bathtub. She lets me, but warns me she won't let me deliver in there. The baby is too big. I agree, get in. Te water feels better. Takes the edge off. Contractions now last through 20. They hurt. I get out to go to the bathroom. I vomit. I cry. I hurt. my husband stays with me. Helps me clean up. I get back in the tub. I can't count past 7 as the contractions are too painful. I am making guttural noises. 2 am. It hurts beyond belief to be checked, 6 cm. I want to push. It hurts. MW gives me four more hours with her before sending me to the hospital. My mom sits by me and tries to help me visualize. I yell at her to shut up. I get a shot to take the edge off the pain. I get out of the tub. My husband holds me upright through contractions. I can't count anymore. try but I go from 2 to 7 to 23 to 14. I bite my husband on the shoulder while making more primal noises. MW checks me again. still 6. It is now 4 am. Pain pain pain. I cry. I want to go home. I want to sleep. I want it all to be over with. I ask my husband to cut her out. She's not coming. Two hours later MW asks to check me. I ask if we can just pretend I haven't budged. Hurts so bad to be checked. Still 6. We pack everything up and I am driven to the hospital. Worst. Car ride. Ever. I am greeted with a wheel chair. I ask the security guard for an epidural. I get to the room and my husband darts off without a word. I scream for him. He yells at me. I cry. A nurse takes my hand so he can go use the restroom. I ask for drugs. They tell me to wait to see if I can get an epidural. I do my sporadic counting waiting for the anesthesiologist. She arrives, tries to tell me the possible side effects. I tell her to shut up and put it in. She asks my husband if know the risks. He says I do. She puts the shunt in. Immediate relief. I relax. They try to process me in. I keep falling asleep before they are done asking the question. The only thing they can get out of me is my SSN and if I've been exposed to STDs or not. They ask if husband can give the info. I nod and fall asleep. They start the pictocin. I wake up in extreme pain. The epidural only blocked half my body. It was my fault. I wouldn't keep still. I couldn't comprehend at the time I got it that I couldn't turn around to look. I ask for it to be adjusted. They tell me she is in surgery and will be here as soon as she gets out. I demand they get her out of surgery. I hurt. But only my right side. Eventually she gets there. It now blocks everything. I am so drugged up I can't feel anything except my dry mouth. I was put on oxygen because my oxygen levels were low. Ice chips are my friends. I drift in and out of conciseness. Noon. Doctor says I am fully dilated, we will push at 1pm. I am ecstatic. Husband is whining about being bored, tired, uncomfortable ect. I ignore him. Doc comes in at 1:30 epidural is wearing off just a tinsy bit. I wanted to feel something. He feels around. Baby still posterior. He tries to flip her over. She flips back. He tries to use forceps to flip her. She flips back. at one pint I have 3 forceps and an arm up me. I ask what the problem is, just pull her out. 45 mins of pushing (that i didn't feel) she is out. Delivered posterior. Eyes first. I have four tears and an episiotomy. She is finally out. My husband looks at me, smiles, and asks if I'm ready for another one. I want to jab my IV in him. I panic. He thinks its the funniest joke ever and goes off to baby. I cry. Everyone is by the baby. My mom comes and apologizes for leaving me alone. I tell her its okay. I would be by the baby if I could. MIL comes over and asking if I'm ready to do it again. WTF? NO! That sucked! I say no. She gets huffy, well wasn't that worth it? I haven't even seen the baby yet. I get to hold my baby. I don't feel the instant connection. I think it was the drugs. I think she' pretty. My precious. They take her away. MIL asks again if I"m ready for another one. "NO" Huffy again. Well wasn't she worth it. That was a lot of pain. It sucked. But she makes it all alright, why won't I say I'm ready for another one? Because I'm NOT. Yeah, but wasn't she worth it? Yes, but that doesn't mean I want to do it again. She gets even huffier and leaves. The rest of the stay was okay. I got to sleep occasionally. Got to hold the baby. Had trouble getting baby to eat. Gets taken to nursery. Get way to many visits form non-family. Get to go home. I'm happy. I get home. Mom has decorated its a girl stuff in yard. I am touched. My mom stays for a week. She is a big support. Husband spends hi week off at the computer. After Mom leaves, he yells at me every time I ask him to help me with anything. I ask him to cook dinner because I"m exhausted. He gets mad and yells that he has to work and doesn't want to cook dinner. He has stuff to do. He goes to the computer and makes a logo for a website he doesn't have. Its the same thing. Can you get me glass of water. I have to work. Can you watch baby so I can nap. Why should I have to. Can you clean XYZ. I have to work full time, I don't want to come home and clean. I remind him that I work full time too. I'm on maternity leave because I am HEALING. The man who didn't want to touch me the previous 9 months now wants to jump me just because the doc said no. He even tells me thats the only reason he wants it. It hurts. I am sore. I just want to sleep. I want my mom to come back.

She's four months now, and the absolute joy of my life. Husband is still bugging me about having another one. I want to get sterilized. Sorry this was so long. This is the first time I've written it down. Thank you.

[holyhelianthus]

our stories are pretty similar. not exact but pretty similar. i am sooo sorry mama!!

[Surfacing]

Awww Gremco.

[canuckgal]

OK, I posted above, but also wanted to add HUGS to you other posters too.

I have worked for years as a labor and delivery/postpartum RN, and am appalled at some of your stories about your care from your nurses/docs/midwives! : !!!! There is NO excuse for that! I think birth is so powerful for some people, and alot of the hospital staff is taken aback by someone who needs to scream/roar and such to cope with it, (I have especially noticed it working in larger hospitals when almost every patient gets and epidural...they are much more apt to think that those pts that don't get one are more needing to "get a grip") and says things like not to yell and just hold your breath and push in order to "get the person under control" :

I work with a South African doctor who said to me once after we had a delivery with a poor woman who was very vocal and had a fast labor that if this was in South Africa the staff (doc or nurse or midwife) would have just slapped her !!! (he was very kind and nice to her though) I have heard that from more than one colleage from there about that is what typically went on there in the hospitals...the "culture" not being comfortable with such a display by the poor pt. Yikes. I think deep down we all have some sort of discomfort with screaming and "carrying on" even as laboring mamas, thinking that is what we shouldn't do and then we feel bad and suprised at ourselves for doing it.

I know I NEEDED to be vocal, myself, and was much more so with my second wicked fast labor. I could not have handled it without making some sort of noise. Just a (relatively) quiet "oooh, oooh... with dd, over and over, but absolute ROARING and screaming with ds. (and alot of "o gawd not another one {contraction}, I can't do this, etc) I blissfully cannot remember alot of my pain very vividly, but REALLY remember the feeling of being helpless and wanting to stop my body already, and how upset I was (at the moment) that dh did not know what to do with me, he was just as taken aback as I was I think.

Like other posters said, I just did what I had to do to "survive" and I too thought I would be peaceful and on top of things with my second labor like I was with my first (no drugs that time except just a bit of laughing gas through transition), had read Birthing from Within, etc. I too agree that alot of the "natural" childbirth movement does not touch on this issue, that it may be too much to handle.

Like I said to dh (regarding the above mentioned doctor's comment and after I had ds)...maybe he should experience a 40lb watermelon coming out of his...well, you know ...in one or two pushes and see how quiet he could be!