Bummed about new addition to playgroup

[Evenstar]

Why did we have to mess with a good thing?

So I've been in this wonderful, supportive playgroup for several months. We've all been sharing stories of our little ones' milestones and troubles and even felt comfortable sharing parenting ideas and techniques. And all this time I've never sensed a competitive vibe, until.... there's always an Until... we invited a new mom to the group. At first we all agreed that we liked her... that was a few months ago... but after yesterday, I don't know anymore. And ever SINCE yesterday, it's been grating on my nerves. Another mama started sharing a story and New Mama cut her off and one-upped her, before she could finish her story. And later I started sharing a story and before I could even finish the first sentence, she cut me off and and one-upped me, too. So that was twice in one get-together : There are other issues I have with her, too, that remind me of high school. And because she's so "high school" (you know the clique-suck-up type) I think half the moms don't notice and the other half may be irritated, like me... but I just can't tell.

I'm just bummed

Anyone else deal with something like this?

Is there anything I can do about this?

[nonconformnmom]

Change is always hard. Even though "New Mama" made a bad initial impression, my guess is that if you make an effort to look for something positive about her, you will find it.

[savithny]

Without knowing what the other issues are....

...is it possible that she is just trying too hard? I know that when I join a new group, I sometimes swing between feeling like I don't have anything to say and no one is talking to me --- to trying to hard and then talking *too* much.

She's coming into your established group, where everyone knows everyone else and probably knows everyone's stories and ways. That's hard to do without some kind of commonality to bond over. At work, you all share the work you do, so new people get brought into the group in that way. In a playgroup, about the only thing you can do to show a bond is to show that you have shared experiences, and maybe (just maybe?) she was trying too hard to establish that?

[AllisonR]

Cutting people off is rude, but it is also a bit harsh to not like someone over it. Next time, why not say "excuse me, let me finish" It will give her a hint to stop. Let it go if she does stop.

And the competition thing - I think it is really strong in some play groups, and generally stronger in 1st DSs than subsequent. In 1st DCs, you notice every little thing, every tooth, every milestone.... and worry about developement. With the next, it's more like "well, someday she will get teeth." At least that applied to me, and I think the mommas in my first group, versus 2nd group.

[jeteaa]

the issue of a person cutting-off another in conversation IMO is common with us moms. Its almost like we know one anothers thoughts becuase we all live it. This cut-offer mom just may be excited to find a group of moms who she can identify with and is getting a bit carried away in the discussions. I would say this issue is not a big enough one to make a judgement about her. But if she keeps cutting you moms off... she may not realize she is doing this. say something to her about it.

[Evenstar]

I have more of a problem with the competitiveness of it, than the interrupting. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and see the positive in them, so I'm usually pretty dense at picking up negative vibes (I'm one of those that cattiness doesn't work on, because it will go right over my head ). And we've added other moms to the group before who fit in very well with the group dynamic, so we thought, "hey, the more the merrier!" And I don't want bringing it up to the other moms... I'm very uncomfortable with gossip... so that's why I'm posting here. I guess I was feeling very lucky to be in such a great playgroup and now I'm feeling powerless about it taking a turn

[Katwoman]

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

I had the same problem. We were in a wonderful playgroup - one we all agreed not to add more members to - and then one was added. It was a total nightmare for me and my kids. I stuck it out when their behavior was just affecting me - almost 8 months, but once it started affecting my kids we stopped going. It was really sad because 5 of us stopped going just because of this one person. I too hate drama and gossip so I didn't feel calling the group together and hashing through it would be productive and healthy. So we just stopped going. It was really sad for a long time, the kids had been together for almost 3 years. But looking back the group really split a long a line that was destined to happen - parenting styles - so, unfortunately for us, it was inevitable. Which helped it not be so painful, but it's hard to see something that was so wonderful die.

[flapjack]

Yeah, we have one of those too. She has mellowed with time (her DD is almost a year now) but it's hard, and infuriating, especially when you can see that the person who was cut off really needs some confidence boosting for whatever reason.

What works for us is to make sure that the original speaker knows that what she was saying mattered, and is encouraged to finish her story. She who shouts loudest does NOT get the last word, y'know?

[Frisha]

I say politely say something to her. I would hate to be doing that and making people upset with me and not even reliseing I am doing it. I have been guilty of this in the past of speaking before I think and then reliseing later that I probably offended someone not meaning too. And wish that I could know when it happened so I can apologize right then rather then it simmering and the person getting more upset over it.

[WuWei]

She sounds insecure. Could you help to befriend her by creating connection?

Pat

[Dr.Worm]

yeah...I agree...give her a chance...I am a very shy person and it is very hard for me to be social..especially when the other mommies know one another...I am always afraid that I am talking too much; not enough; sounding like I know everything/nothing; too judgmental/no opinions etc. I think you should maybe talk to her about it in private...bring up the competing too...maybe say something like "I really enjoy having you and your child with us..I just wondered if you knew this..." she might not even realize she is being that way...or maybe she does and she is a big meanie but at least you tried!

[polyhymnia]

Originally Posted by savithny

Without knowing what the other issues are....

...is it possible that she is just trying too hard? I know that when I join a new group, I sometimes swing between feeling like I don't have anything to say and no one is talking to me --- to trying to hard and then talking *too* much.

She's coming into your established group, where everyone knows everyone else and probably knows everyone's stories and ways. That's hard to do without some kind of commonality to bond over. At work, you all share the work you do, so new people get brought into the group in that way. In a playgroup, about the only thing you can do to show a bond is to show that you have shared experiences, and maybe (just maybe?) she was trying too hard to establish that?

I TOTALLY have that problem. I am really uncomfy in group situations. I try really really hard but sometimes I think I accidentally interrupt in my excitement to finally have something appropriate/interesting to say. I would try to think of it in the sense that she might just be really uncomfortable and still getting used to things, and give her a couple of chances. As a gentle reminder, when she has finished telling her story (that she interrupted you to do so) you can say something like "As I was saying,... and continue with your story after.

Now this may not be the case but I would hate to see her shunned when she may be trying really hard, so I would try to give her another chance.

[crittersmom]

I am trying to fit into an established playgroup right now.I get soo nervous each time I go but its the only way I can make friends since I am new to the area.I worry that I have cut people off or been too quiet or said the dumbest thing or just been a general freak.I also haven't been around a lot of mommies in awhile so its kinda hard to get back in the groove of talking to someone IRL.In my family it is the loudest one who is heard and in my last group of friends too so DH gives me a heads up when I get too talky and authoratative.Send her a note telling her how she can fit in better, tell her.If she really is high schoolish she will probably find you all too uncool and move on on her own too.

[Avani]

Oh gosh you are talking about me aren't you? I just got involved with some moms in my area and they are all so close knit and i stick out like a sore thumb. I feel really insecure because i just spent 9 years in a very abusive relationship and i have had not one single mama friends until now. I try too hard and i butt in without thinking and then i want to hit myself in the head for interrupting. ANd they all know each other so well and i feel out of place and i all want is to fit in. Seriously, you could be talking about me. I do this and i don't mean to, i just don't know how to interact properly anymore and i really need some friends, and this is the coolest group of mama's ever.

[St. Margaret]

me too! I swear, having a baby is becoming the biggest test of my social anxiety in my life, more than becoming a teacher! I always worry I talk too much, interrupt... tho it's kinda how it goes in playgroups, all chattering. So, I really hope it turns out she is just excited to be socializing after a new baby and meeting new moms, and will cool down with the my baby does this thing soon, too.

[mammal_mama]

I agree with the advice to befriend her -- maybe invite her to hang out with just you sometimes. If she's highschoolish, it may very well be that she's fairly fresh out of highschool, and motherhood is making her feel kind of isolated -- you know, being the first one of her crowd to have a baby and no longer being able to do the singles thing, and not knowing how to connect with people now.

Rather than directly confronting her about the interrupting, I'd listen to her, make a nice comment, and then say to the mom who was interrupted, "And you were just sharing about something similar; I didn't get to hear the rest of it ... and I'd like to!" If this happens enough, I think New Mom will ultimately realize other moms want to share their stories, too.

I just think if she gets confronted before she even feels like part of the group, it's liable to make her feel unwelcome -- as though people might wish she hadn't even started coming and would be happier without her there.

[Evenstar]

NAK

some of the responses I've only been able to skim through.

I definitely see what you guys are saying. Maybe she's still getting over some jitters and maybe I'm having a hard time seeing that because of her strong personality, kwim? I'm over being irked about it. We'll see how it goes next week.

I'll try to read the thread more thoroughly later today

[mamahart]

Feeling a little sad because there are no such thing as playgroup with this second child of mine. He is the single almost 3 yr old in the whole entire town. So we play with the cats...and the puppy who is like another son to me sometimes. Just remember to be grateful for what you have because it can be hard when it disappears...

[rachelle-a-tron]

Originally Posted by WuWei

She sounds insecure. Could you help to befriend her by creating connection?

Thats what I was going to say!

[rachelle-a-tron]

I help run a playgroup with 15 members & over the course of the almost 7 years we have been together there have been Moms like this. They come & go, some mellow out & find their niche in the group, others leave because they just don't fit. I will all work out...