Need Support! Family Matters!

[Demeter_shima]

AKKK!!!
So, last week I asked my mother to be present at the birth of our first child. Her first reaction was one of surprise and happiness at being invited. She seemed puzzled by the "home birth" thing even though we had talked about it many times, and I spent the past two years easing her into the idea.
Then, last night, I get a phone call.
"It hadn't really sunk in that you were having a home birth. I thought you said you were planning it at a birth center?".
So thus begins our long and emotional conversation where I have to RE-EXPLAIN the entire thing to my mother. How there are NO birth centers on Long Island and the nearest one is in Brooklyn (an hour and a half west of us) and there is no medical reason for us NOT to birth at home...but I thought she knew that. So I was hysterical.
Having to go over and through this with one of the people that I thought was accepting of it.
Now there has to be an entire education process...again...and I have to drudge out all the reassuring statistics.
It's just stressful for me to have to justify it in any way anymore. My husband and I are so accepting of the whole thing and ready emotionally...I just didn't want to have to battle anymore.

Does anyone have any good links or references that have some recent Homebirth stats? I have a ton of info, and I just don't know if I can filter through it to find some bullet points without going nuts.

OH...and of course, my mother HAD to talk to her brother (my uncle) the Athiest-Republican-ANTI-attachement-practically ANTI-breastfeeding one in the family to vent...BEFORE even discussing it with me.
I HATE FAMILY POLITICS!
ARGH!

Any support or advice or kind words or references welcome!
-a
::::

[georgannemomof6]

(((HUGS))) I know exactly how you feel! my mil was very passive-aggressive about our choice to birth at home, constantly saying how "brave" we were, and did we know what happened to cousin Gertrude's baby, because she birthed at home? But I'm sure *you'll* know what to do in an emergency", blah, blah, blah!

I do have an excellent website, with great articles on everything from HB stats, to holistic health care, with reference links to back everything up:
BuffaloBirth.com

I would just direct your family to the info you've gathered, tell them that if they are not on board with your decision, to please not come, and stick to your guns! You do not need the added stress of trying to please everyone, whilst in labor!
Peace, and Blessings, G

[spookymama]

Aw.

*hugs*
I am so sorry you have to through this kind of stress !

I don't have any references for you. Just wanted to let you know that I am going through something similar. Except my mother went as far as to talk to my ex OB about my decision to home birth.. which of course, he was totally against. He's not a home birth doc. No matter what studies she saw, she still has her mind made up about that.. with my ex doctor as her "proof". Of course he's against it. He doesn't get paid if I birth at home.

In the end, we decided to not tell anyone when we are about to go into labor, so therefor.. there is no stress! Labor is a hard task on its own without having it made any harder by the people you love. The doubt, the fear.. to me, they can be contagious.. and you need a positive space as you can possibly have.

Here are some things to consider if they haven't been already.. :
How receptive has she been to home birth ideas in the past?
Do you think if you gave her some books on the subject that she would read them?
Could you maybe cut it down to her being there right after the baby is born?


This may help you determine what you want to do, and how you want to handle this.

Good luck mama!

[Demeter_shima]

Thank you ladies!
Good words help. We are not changing our stance by any means...it's just stress you know?
I was advised that If a "debate" brews and goes beyond what I can handle that I should simply cut it off by stating that we have made our choice and if they wish to learn more they can read these books etc...
I just dread my Uncle's coments at Christmas. I might get lucky, and they'll just play dumb and be quiet!
THEN..after, when everything is fine...I can show them pictures of my beautiful and empowering birth and how I couldn't imagine being chained to a bed with wires and doctors prodding my Yoni!

[GracesMama]

Hi,
I'm in the process of trying to convince my husband. If you want to send me a personal message with your email I could send you a pretty lengthy attachment called "6 Myths About Homebirth", a very informative pamphlet that I nicknamed, "The Case for Homebirth". Also, one midwife I interviewed sent me the following study:

BMJ 2005; 330:1416 (18 June), doi:10.1136/bmj.330.7505.1416

Outcomes of planned home births with certified professional midwives: large prospective study in North America

Kenneth C Johnson, senior epidemiologist1, Betty-Anne Daviss, project manager2

1 Surveillance and Risk Assessment Division, Centre for Chronic Disease Prevention and Control, Public Health Agency of Canada, PL 6702A, Ottawa, ON, Canada K1A OK9, 2 Safe Motherhood/Newborn Initiative, International Federation of Gynecology and Obstetrics, Ottawa, Canada
Correspondence to: K C Johnson [e-mail]

Objective To evaluate the safety of home births in North America involving direct entry midwives, in jurisdictions where the practice is not well integrated into the healthcare system.

Design Prospective cohort study.

Setting All home births involving certified professional midwives across the United States (98% of cohort) and Canada, 2000.

Participants All 5418 women expecting to deliver in 2000 supported by midwives with a common certification and who planned to deliver at home when labour began.

Main outcome measures Intrapartum and neonatal mortality, perinatal transfer to hospital care, medical intervention during labour, breast feeding, and maternal satisfaction.

Results 655 (12.1%) women who intended to deliver at home when labour began were transferred to hospital. Medical intervention rates included epidural (4.7%), episiotomy (2.1%), forceps (1.0%), vacuum extraction (0.6%), and caesarean section (3.7%); these rates were substantially lower than for low risk US women having hospital births. The intrapartum and neonatal mortality among women considered at low risk at start of labour, excluding deaths concerning life threatening congenital anomalies, was 1.7 deaths per 1000 planned home births, similar to risks in other studies of low risk home and hospital births in North America. No mothers died. No discrepancies were found for perinatal outcomes independently validated.

Conclusions Planned home birth for low risk women in North America using certified professional midwives was associated with lower rates of medical intervention but similar intrapartum and neonatal mortality to that of low risk hospital births in the United States.

[cornpicker]

Ugh, I'm sorry you are dealing with this stress.

My suggestion is to stop discussing and explaining. You don't have to explain to anyone. Just a simple, "Mom, we've done our homework and we're confident this is the best choice for our family. If you'd like to learn more, I can email you 4 billion links. Otherwise, I'm done discussing this. We'd love you to be there if you can be supportive." Something like that. And you don't have to explain to crazy uncle either, it is none of his business. Just change the subject or leave the room.

I know it is all easier said that done, but consider making the conversation CLOSED, the debate OVER.

Good luck! And hugs!

[raelize]

i just want to say that although you may be very close otherwise with your mom and really want her to be present for the birth of your child, if she is not 100% on board with the idea and totally comfortable with your midwife and the whole process, i wouldn't have her at the house during labor or birth. youmay have a really easy labor, but if at any time you are struggling or take longer than your mom thinks is "normal" or if anything happens that makes your mom feel uncomfortable or "unsafe" (like you moaning in the tub while your midwife knits in the other room- a totally normal part of labor) her worry and negative vibes can really hinder your labor. her discomfort or fear will be picked up by you while you labor and it will distract you.
maybe you could arrange for her to come over immediately after and bring a meal for everyone and visit with the baby. maybe once she sees how nice it was for you and the baby then she can feel comfortable coming to the next one.
i understand the need to have our mothers there with us. i felt the same way with my mom. she had all of us at home, but i had a harder labor than she had ever seen. and although she was really supportive, there were times when her worrying about my hard labor made it hard for me to concentrate. since it was my first baby and i did depend on her as a doula and for her homebirth experiences, it did distract me. i know it won't be like that next time around cause i now know what to expect, but if she didn't know about the safety and emotional benefits of homebirthing i am sure she would have been hysterical during my transition. i don't know if i could have handled that.

[LynnE73]

I suggest that you have your Mom be at one of your prenatals. Tell your midwife ahead of time that you would like her to talk to your Mom and the reasons why...you would be absolutely amazed by just how much this helps. Let your Mom know in a gentle way that being at one of the prenatals is just as special and important to you as being invited to the birth and see if she comes around or not after she meets the midwife. If she doesn't I would re-evaluate if you want her negative energy at the birth or not. There is no reason why she can't come right after.

(Also, kudos to your for planning a homebirth! I grew up on Long Island and it's not even remotely the norm out there amidst all the smoking republicans!)

[majikfaerie]

:

[hubris]

Originally Posted by georgannemomof6

I would just direct your family to the info you've gathered, tell them that if they are not on board with your decision, to please not come, and stick to your guns! You do not need the added stress of trying to please everyone, whilst in labor!

This, exactly. Let people know where they can find information and encourage them to inform themselves. Invite only people who will truly support you - you do not need people who are nervous/fearful/hostile about homebirth around you while you are preparing for your birth and especially not during the birth.

Walk away from debate. You do not owe anybody a defense of your decision. They do owe you respect for yours, even if they disagree with it.

(((hugs)))

[mom2annika]

FWIW, I didn't have a homebirth with 2.5 yo DD, but would like to with another (if there is one, God willing). But we considered it with DD and met fierce opposition from the family too.

I agree with the PP...if they can't be supportive, don't call 'em. I had a hospital birth with a doula and we called everyone afterwards. Ours was a bit of a different situation though since they all lived hundreds of miles away. I told them not to come for a week, though, so we could nest in. It worked out very well.

It's your decision, don't let 'em bully you.

GL!

P.S. Your EDD is very close to my b-day!

[Romana]

You don't have to do battle. Just encourage your mom to educate herself and shut down any future discussion with family members.

I hope you changed your mind about having your mom at the birth. I'm assuming you have, but I didn't see you say it specifically . . . with that much fear/apprehension I'm sure she would be a detriment to your birth.

I know my mom isn't 100% comfortable with our plans to homebirth, but she also knows I've done my research and am smart and wouldn't be doing something irresponsible. She also knows she can't convince me of anything else, and that I would shut her down in a moment in a debate/discussion about it, so she's let it go, just asking once or twice "So, are you still going to give birth at home?" and sometimes asking about specific problems and what we'd do.

Don't feel like you have to defend your decision. They should respect the decision you've made, and if they don't, don't let it become part of your pregnancy. Give yourself enough distance to be comfortable again.

[Demeter_shima]

My mom is coming over tonight and attending my Bradley Labor class with me while my hubby is away on business. I'll know after this meeting if I still feel comfortable having her there.
Generally, my mother is VERY supportive of things and, I know it took me two years of re-programing myself against the cultural norms and what 90% of society and the people around me said was "safe" and "acceptable". I know she'll come around, she just doesn't know anything about it yet.
I sent her and my sister a few links and articles to get the ball rolling, but I"ll find out if that has helped later.

Thanks for all your support!

[47chromosomes]

The selling point for my husband was to go to a midwife appointment with me. There he could have all his questions answered. Maybe that would be a possibility for your mom?
--K

[hubris]

Originally Posted by 47chromosomes

The selling point for my husband was to go to a midwife appointment with me. There he could have all his questions answered. Maybe that would be a possibility for your mom?
--K

The difference here is that one's husband is the co-parent of the baby and the spouse of the mother and as such, has much more responsibility for the decisions made. A mother has an emotional tie to her pregnant daughter but the decisions being made are, ultimately, not her business. If you think bringing her to a MW appt would be truly beneficial to everybody involved without sacrificing your own emotional health or putting your midwife on the defensive (she is answerable to you, her client, but not to your mother), then sure, that's a great idea. But if bringing her would mean putting everybody on the defensive and not helping the family as a whole to diminish worry/fear, I'd forget about it.

[Demeter_shima]

Update

Originally Posted by hubris

The difference here is that one's husband is the co-parent of the baby and the spouse of the mother and as such, has much more responsibility for the decisions made. A mother has an emotional tie to her pregnant daughter but the decisions being made are, ultimately, not her business. If you think bringing her to a MW appt would be truly beneficial to everybody involved without sacrificing your own emotional health or putting your midwife on the defensive (she is answerable to you, her client, but not to your mother), then sure, that's a great idea. But if bringing her would mean putting everybody on the defensive and not helping the family as a whole to diminish worry/fear, I'd forget about it.

Well...my mother came to my Bradley class last night and it went pretty well. We got to talk more about her concearns and fears and, as knew, it's not an issue of it NOT being in the hospital, it's the fact that it's at home. She would be fine with a Birth Center because, I suppose, there is the perception that it is a hospital without the corporate evil element.
My mother is most of the reason that I HATE hospitals and her birth stories (of my sister and myself) are the reasons that I wanted natural child birth since I was 9!
Oddly, she seemed to be more conecearned with hygene and things like that. "What kind of preperations are you going to do to the house", "what about the pets" etc...
She is coming to my Midwife appointment next week, so that should be helpful; meeting the professional involved. I will be giving my midwife a "heads up" however. It would be mean to spring a "mom" on her! :
I feel a lot better now that we talked more, and she even made a coment about only wanting to be there if she is 100% on board, so as not to disrupt the positive energy surrounding my labor.

STAY TUNED!

[raelize]

there comes a point in a relationship where you have to expect them to meet you halfway. you really sound like you are bending over backwards for your mom. this is YOUR decision. it is unfortunate if she can't respect it and celebrate it, but you need to be worrying about yourself and your pregnancy and not worrying about whether or not she will jump on board. how much power are you giving her about your birth decisions? you have given her info, shs has attended your classes, now she is meeting your midwife. where do you draw the line? if she had the kind of births that would drive a 9 year old to decide to birth at home, and she doesn't seem to see the problems with them, is it realistic to expect her to support your decision?

with regards to cleanliness, remind her that the super strep is mostly found in hospitals and other places that have lots of people shuffle through the doors, not in your average home. would she want that for her new grandchild?

[Mindyj]

:
I got a little grief from my mom AND my mother-in-law before our home/waterbirth with my son 3 years ago. I only wanted people present who were going to silently cheer me on. I had 2 friends who are like sisters who did just that. One of them videotaped the birth. When I showed my mom and mother-in-law the video, they understood what we had intended to do. The birth was peaceful and calm. And by watching the video with us, they felt that they were a part of the birth, without being in the room while it was happening.

I'm sending you loads of love and support!

[hubris]

It sounds like your mom is making efforts to acknowledge her concerns but NOT trample on your emotional well-being. Kudos to her for that. I hope your MW appointment goes well and is reassuring for everybody!

[Demeter_shima]

Originally Posted by rachel_eva

this is YOUR decision. it is unfortunate if she can't respect it and celebrate it, but you need to be worrying about yourself and your pregnancy and not worrying about whether or not she will jump on board. how much power are you giving her about your birth decisions? you have given her info, shs has attended your classes, now she is meeting your midwife. where do you draw the line?

Honestly, she has come around more than I was initially fearful of. I think it's pefectly resonable for her to want to learn as much as possible, and I wouldn't want anyone there who didn't know what was expected or planned. She was supposed to go to the Bradley class anyway, since she is a secondary attendant at the birth, it can only help.
I just wanted her to talk to professionals before she imposed her judgement without due cause.
I have said a few times, "this is a done descision mom, we are not altering plans. The goal here is for you to be at peace with it".
She had been using language that implied that we might re-concider our choide. 'Cause that's smart at 7 months along when we are already
preparing! She is usually quick to understand, it's just a lot at once I guess.