Hubby won't let me deliver at a birthing center - Page 2

[Kleine Hexe]

Originally Posted by pixiepunk

for heaven's sake - he did have a child born via c-section, and like most people was told that if they hadn't been in the hospital and had the c-section that everyone would've died. he's obviously terrified that he could lose you and/or baby, and the way around that is not to tell him he can find somewhere else to sleep if he doesn't like your birth choices. help him understand why it's safe to birth with a midwife, and what risks are involved in hospital births. respect him and his opinion, and help him to understand yours. start taking a birth prep class like Bradley together - hearing those stats from an "expert" even if it's not an MD, and seeing other couples who are on board will help.

give him some time, help him understand. though totally misguided, he does have your safety and baby's at heart. don't forget that.

Yeah, um....that's what I did my first time around. Know what happened? My DH could have cared less what I told him. He didn't care what the studies said. He didn't care what the statistics showed. He didn't care how afraid *I* was to go to a hospital. It was all about him. He wanted to feel like he was "protecting" me and in his mind that was in a hospital with an OB. He grew up with a fear of birth due to the complications his mom had with his sister. DH's sister has cerebral palsy and is now 42 years old. DH has watched his sister and parents struggle with her multiple issues all his life. He was told that all her problems were due to a birth accident. So, yes, he was afraid of the birth process. So I relented. Wanna know what happened? I got *screwed*....it was me physically going through not him. He stood there and watched as I had every painful intervention in the book that ultimately lead to a highly unnecessary c-section. He did not physically go through that. Therefore, he was happy as a clam. I was miserable.

I came to realize that DH's fear of birth was *his* problem not mine. I had tried to talk to him, show him the research, tell him how I felt. He wouldn't hear it. He could not let go of his fear. I finally knew that it was not my job to fix his problem. It was his issue and he would have to do the work to get over it. I can not *make* someone listen or change their mind if they are not willing to do so. If they are not willing....it is not my job to sacrifice myself to help that person deal with their own hang-ups.

While expecting our 2nd baby I did explain to DH that he was not responsible for me and the baby during the birth. It was not his job to "protect" me from birth. Birth is the woman's work and his only job was to support me. I think that helped him let go of the idea that as a man he is my protector and responsible for my safety.

I compromised the first time and I was burned. It will never happen again. As it turns out I had the best homebirth ever with my 2nd baby. Now, after that birth, DH says homebirth is the best way to go.

[crsta33]

I didn't read through everything, but I know an MD who birthed her child at home...her birth story is in Ina May's Guide even. She's the backup MD for a freestanding birthcenter in Waynesboro, TN.

Maybe too far to make him "happy" but I'll pass along her name and such if you want it (just PM me).

Christa

[HeathenMommy]

Much to think/read about!

Ladies,

I've composed and erased half a dozen replies to this thread for fear of sounding like a babbling idiot. So forgive my disjointed thoughts in advance!

First of all, thanks to EVERYONE who responded. The advice to kick Hubby out to sleep in the car- I didn't take, but I DID get a little more assertive with him. And I printed out much reading from the links you wonderfully gave me, and I've ordered every book mentioned in the thread. (I have Pushed on my shelf and have NO idea how it got there! I'm such a book whore though. I'd rather read nonfiction than do almost anything else!)

And I taped one of those Discovery Channel "Babies are Great" specials where the mother delivered in a tub at a birthing center with her husband, their 2yo and her mom and sister. The baby was blue, but the midwives explained that with a lack of oxygen like that you just stimulate the babe and don't cut the cord right away, and the little one turned pink and went right to nursing on camera! We'll be watching that together.

Anyhow, he came home from work to find me in "lawyer mode" as he calls it, where I've got my research, my arguments and rebuttals to possible contentions all indexed and instantly got fearful and defensive.

I interrupted him to say that all this research was for me and I had no interest in arguing or fighting. But this is my body and I'm going to bring his healthy baby to him and he's got to let me figure out the best way to do that. Hubby is a wonderful guy... he's my best friend and I love him more than anything. We so rarely fight that when we do, I get ill and he gets all sad and depressed-like, so we're really pathetic! But in his defense, he's not a total bunghole, so I think there's hope.

He was tired and he just put his arms around me and took me to bed and told me that he would support what I wanted to do, but I needed to let him express his feelings and his reservations. And I told him that I would do so, but he'd have to let me do my research and that my idea of a happy birth experience isn't with me fighting the docs and nurses telling them "No I don't want... Please stop sticking me... I don't care that I'm only ___ centimeters!"

We'll figure this out, and we start with signing up for Bradley classes, baby massage class and tours of the birthing suite at GWU hospital and two of the birth centers I'm considering. I also have a girlfriend I'd lost touch with, but I found her again here in town. She has a 6 mo old delivered at home with a midwife and her mom!

A lot to think about, and THANK YOU ALL for your advice.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

Sorry, you lost me at "let."

This is why I absolutely adore !

Listen hun I am in the same situation as you but my mind is made up, I am having a home birth with a midwife, no vax and no circ and I am co sleeping so either he likes or doesnt

You will become stronger with time and even if you give him info his mind may be made up OR he may not read it (mine didnt) so ............. DO WHAT YOU WANT MAMA!!!!!

[~Megan~]

Does he not get that statistically you are safer at home? I think men in general respond well to statistics. Talking to other homebirthing dads might help as well too.

[accountclosed3]

do what you want telling him that he's free to disagree, but unless he can come up with information to convince you to birth in a hospital, you're not going to.

and leave it at that. let him do the research.

edited to add:

yes, he can talk about his fears and his concerns, but an uneducated opinion holds no weight and it's not wise to make decisions based on someone's fears.

he can talk about his fears all he wants until he's blue--but he's responsible for working through those fears--and supporting your decision.

[Kleine Hexe]

Originally Posted by zoebird

yes, he can talk about his fears and his concerns, but an uneducated opinion holds no weight and it's not wise to make decisions based on someone's fears.

he can talk about his fears all he wants until he's blue--but he's responsible for working through those fears--and supporting your decision.

This bears repeating. I learned this the hard way. It's *his* responsiblity to work through those fears.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

Yeah, um....that's what I did my first time around. Know what happened? My DH could have cared less what I told him. He didn't care what the studies said. He didn't care what the statistics showed. He didn't care how afraid *I* was to go to a hospital. It was all about him. He wanted to feel like he was "protecting" me and in his mind that was in a hospital with an OB. He grew up with a fear of birth due to the complications his mom had with his sister. DH's sister has cerebral palsy and is now 42 years old. DH has watched his sister and parents struggle with her multiple issues all his life. He was told that all her problems were due to a birth accident. So, yes, he was afraid of the birth process. So I relented. Wanna know what happened? I got *screwed*....it was me physically going through not him. He stood there and watched as I had every painful intervention in the book that ultimately lead to a highly unnecessary c-section. He did not physically go through that. Therefore, he was happy as a clam. I was miserable.

I came to realize that DH's fear of birth was *his* problem not mine. I had tried to talk to him, show him the research, tell him how I felt. He wouldn't hear it. He could not let go of his fear. I finally knew that it was not my job to fix his problem. It was his issue and he would have to do the work to get over it. I can not *make* someone listen or change their mind if they are not willing to do so. If they are not willing....it is not my job to sacrifice myself to help that person deal with their own hang-ups.

While expecting our 2nd baby I did explain to DH that he was not responsible for me and the baby during the birth. It was not his job to "protect" me from birth. Birth is the woman's work and his only job was to support me. I think that helped him let go of the idea that as a man he is my protector and responsible for my safety.

I compromised the first time and I was burned. It will never happen again. As it turns out I had the best homebirth ever with my 2nd baby. Now, after that birth, DH says homebirth is the best way to go.

::::
My DP is the same way

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I'm glad he's being reasonable. I think that you got the reactions you did because this board has a lot of touch chicks who prickle at the idea of being told how we will be allowed to give birth ("we" meaning "women"). If your husband sees you give birth by your own power at a birth center, he will forever be a convert, I can almost guarantee it. He'll get it. You just have to get him there

Be careful about which class you sign up for. Interview the teacher and make sure she shares your ideas about birth. There is a lot of variety out there!

[transformed]

You might just tell him that "this is how it is." I would have NEVER done that to my dh the first time, so it was a HUGE relief and shock that he felt "ok" with it after speaking with the midwife and asking all his questions.

We had 2 at the birth center. My dh MAY even be pro-natural birth now...I don tknow if he talks to ppl about it...but its all he knows.

But this time I am planning on having the baby at home and I told dh "I love you but you dont have a choice..." He is a little nervous but I think he trusts me. Its possibly my last birth....probably actually. And I thought "I would regret this if I wasnt assertive about it."

If I were you, I would study for yourself, the risk of birthing in a hospital and just practice being assertive, yourself. (He may not be "convincable.") Did you get last months mothering mag? It was FULL of stats on homebirths/hospital births/c-section rates/death from c-sections/etc tec/.



Get it!

I mean, play the scenario out in your head. "Honey, we have a prenatal appointment on Tuesday..." (Assuming your dp will be going toyour visits with you.)

And when labor starts "Honey, Its time to go...." (What is he going to do-drag you to the hospital where you dont even have a OB?)

Play the whole thing out....just set up an appointment and tell him you have an appointment!

[pixiepunk]

#1 - i was not suggesting making a decision based on someone's fears. quite the opposite, i was talking about addressing those fears, getting rid of them so you can both approach the birth happily and without fear, together. i mean, even if your threats work, is he going to be *there* emotionally for you while you birth? or is he going to be resentful, still scared, feeling disconnected. a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face, if you ask me.

#2 i am really surprised and disappointed by how many people don't seem to care at all about their partners' fears. if *you* had fears going into your birth (about the birth itself, or becoming a mom, or whatever) would you want your husband to say "gee, that's too bad. it's probably because you've been brainwashed by society. do some research and get over it, and talk to me when you have." ?!?! that's not really the response i'd be looking for, so why would it be the response i'd give to my partner?

my mom always told me to treat others as i'd want to be treated. being talked to that way by my partner would be nothing but hurtful to me, no matter what the situation. we have more respect for each other than that.

ETA...

He was tired and he just put his arms around me and took me to bed and told me that he would support what I wanted to do, but I needed to let him express his feelings and his reservations. And I told him that I would do so, but he'd have to let me do my research and that my idea of a happy birth experience isn't with me fighting the docs and nurses telling them "No I don't want... Please stop sticking me... I don't care that I'm only ___ centimeters!"

good for you! it sounds to me like he'll definitely come around. i think he just needs to know that it's safe to be out of a hospital, and we all know there's plenty of evidence to support that, as long as he's willing to look at it.

[wannabe]

Give him Henci Goer's "the thinking woman's guide to a better birth" to read.

And try emphasising that it's a SAFE birth experience for you and the baby you primarily want, even above a happy one. And that the safest place for a healthy woman and baby is NOT going to be in a hospital with a routine heplock and CFM policy.

[phoebemommy]

It doesn't seem like anyone has really mentioned this yet, so I'll say it -- something else to think about and chat with your dh about is that your success in labor has a lot to do with your state of mind, your calm, your feelings of safety and security. Michel Odent writes a lot about this; his Birth and Breastfeeding is a great book by the way! So on one hand, it really is all about you birthing where you feel safe, and anyone who has a problem with it needs to suck it up. BUT, if your dh brings fear into the room, or even sits outside in the hall with fear, you will feel that fear, you will worry about him, you will want to make him feel better because, well, he's your husband and you love him. In that way, his fear can be devastating to your labor -- your focus will be on him and not the hard work you need to do. So, from that angle, it really is important that you work to help him understand why a birth center is the best place for you. But I really agree with most of the thread who says, ultimately, he shouldn't get a say. He can express his concerns and be heard and talk about it, but this is your decision. And likewise, I hope you would never pressure him into a major medical procedure he doesn't want just because it would make you feel better.

[Veritaserum]

Pixie,

I get what you're saying. And when my husband's first reaction to my statement that I wanted a home birth was "No way" my immediate reaction wasn't to get into a fight. I knew that he was worried about me and the baby because he loves us. I also knew that he didn't have all the information so I wasn't going to give up there. I decided my best course of action would be to educate him, which I did.

Once he learned the facts, I think he still had lingering "but everybody knows hospital births are safer" feelings going on. He realized, though, that home birth was extremely important to me, and because he loves me and respects me he was willing to trust my judgment and support me.

It bothers me when either of the following happen:

1) Women stop at "oh, well, dh said no".
2) The dh refuses to learn anything or refuses to acknowledge that his wife, as the one actually giving birth, should be supported in whatever she ultimately decides to do. So even if he's not totally comfortable with it, it's not fair for his fears/wishes to trump hers.

[ecstaticmama24]

Dr. Sarah Buckley (MD) from Australia homebirthed all 4 of her children! So there's the Dr. for ya.

When it comes down to it, you're having the baby. This was such a struggle for my relationship as well, not to mention the circ fight after too! arrrrgg!

Hope it all works out for you,

Andrea

[Romana]

More doctors who support homebirth:

http://www.elvovemd.com/home.htm

There is some decent info on the site, but I don't think it covers homebirth much anymore since this doctor had to stop attending homebirths starting in 2007 due to inability to get med mal insurance. However, he attended homebirths (as the MD) for something like 25 years.

http://www.homefirst.com/

Website of physician group that attends homebirths. Again, these are MDs attending homebirths.

So obviously, not all MDs are unsupportive of homebirth.

[valeria_vi]

Originally Posted by HeathenMommy

He was tired and he just put his arms around me and took me to bed and told me that he would support what I wanted to do, but I needed to let him express his feelings and his reservations. And I told him that I would do so, but he'd have to let me do my research and that my idea of a happy birth experience isn't with me fighting the docs and nurses telling them "No I don't want... Please stop sticking me... I don't care that I'm only ___ centimeters!"

he has a right to have fears, especially after his prior experience. I'm sure he is convinced that everyone would have died if not for the c-section. but i also think that instead of just expressing fears and staying afraid, he should explore those fears and what would happen if this was at home. hopefully, this would help him.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

I would NOT go to a surgeon for a normal birth. If I were you, I would tell him to do some research. If he can convince you hospitals are safest, great. But your research has led you to the opposite conclusion and seeing how you are basing your decision on research and his is based on societal blindness, and the fact that it's your body, you WILL be giving birth at the birth center unless he is able to convince you otherwise. I woudn't leave it up for debate beyond that.

Put his foot down? WTF does that even mean? If my husband tried to "put his foot down" about something *I* had to do essentially by myself, he'd find his @$$ looking for a new place to live. That is OUTRAGEOUS imo.

Exactly! He's making a jerk of himself. Tell him that HE can do the research and you'll do what your body tells you to do. I can't understand a man trying to dictate the birthing experience of a woman. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS to try to bully you into doing something that you're not comfortable with?

If my dh tried that, he'd not be invited to the birth. His negativity can actually cause YOUR labor to stall. Not healthy at all. You'll need even more reassurance than most women because of his attitude.

I see that he's come around. I hope that he truly comes around so that there's no negativity to deal with during labor. Have a wonderful birth!

Lisa

[rixafreeze]

I personally have met an OB, Veronika Kolder, who birthed her baby at home with direct-entry midwives. She wrote a foreward to one of Anne Frye's midwifery textbooks. She has also written some articles about court-ordered cesarean sections--you'll find them if you google her name and that phrase.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

It's not that I don't care about my husband's fears (though my husband has the sense not to try to tell me what I can and cannot do with my own body). I would certainly talk through them with him, but I'm not going to give up MY birth, sacrifice my own desires not to mention my own safety and bodily integrity, just because of his irrational fears.