Hubby won't let me deliver at a birthing center - Page 3

[amitymama]

Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

I added that if he felt safe in a hospital, then he was more than welcome to go there, and sit in the waiting room and I'd call him from home after the baby was born.

That really made me laugh, picturing a man driving frantically to the hospital and pacing around in scrubs while his wife peacefully births their baby at home. It's a strong visual image and one that makes a sad commentary on the fear of birth so many men have.

[g&a]

FWIW: It helped my DH a lot when we interviewed the midwife and asked all the tough questions like what happens if my wife starts to bleed to death etc.. He realized that we were in good hands and she was going to be more cautious than me....

Now he's pushing for a hospital birth with the midwife, but knows how important it is to me to stay out of the hospital so we've basically agreed to disagree.

The midwife's advice was to say "I need your support on this" and then move on. Women want to talk it all out and have consensus on all the issues, men not so much.

Good Luck. It sucks to disagree on such a fundamental level, but you may never be able to convince him.

g.

[elanorh]

I don't have a link but don't think I saw mention of the CDC's own statistics, which I've read here show that it's safer to birth at home -- maybe someone could link to that for the OP too. It may help.

I'm glad to hear that your dh is coming 'round. My parents knew a man whose wife died during childbirth and he was a total mess when his new wife got pregnant (both times). Whether or not his ex's c/s was a medically managed cascade, or truly lifesaving -- he's certainly been told by everyone that it was the only way she/his child survived. I'd imagine it's hard to work through that level of experiential fear/trauma.

So, patience, and it sounds like given some understanding (and continued firmness on your part) - he should come 'round.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Veritaserum

Tell your dh that when he's the one giving birth, he can pick how to do it.

Yeah. What's this "he won't let me" crap? As long as it's not going to break your bank account, he shouldn't really be allowed to make that decision for you. You're not talking about a UC here...it's a BIRTHING CENTER.

[SharonAnne]

Sounds like he's coming around

[HeathenMommy]

The plot thickens

So, just as I'm feeling okay with our compromise of hospital birth with midwife or doula, I'm realizing that this is so not what I even want. I've told Hubby that I don't want a pitbull birth assistant, I want a shark with a bad attitude suffering from PMS!

The book "Pushed" is totally making me feel worse and worse about having this baby in a hospital with a c-section percentage of more than 35%! I mean, I know I can labor at home until baby darned near crowns, but I'm just getting more angry by the moment.

I don't want my babe ripped out of me or from me and poked and jabbed before I can hold him or her. I don't promise to not rip the heplock out of my hand while I'm in the hospital. I have to find out what kind of baby montior they'll use, but I don't promise to not rip tubes out of my... body. And I sure as holy hell don't want to not get in the shower or crawl around because of the monitor- that I don't even want, keeping me in bed. And I'm just starting to learn about the eye goo and injections they plan before even letting me put babe to breast! WTF man? Where is the outrage? Why are we American women not marching in the streets?

The policy at this hospital is that if baby is 7 days past (arbitrary!) due date, they're going to induce. Yeah right! This kid is gonna come when s/he wants to and I'm getting more anti-pitocin by the second... Are they gonna come to my house and get me?

It's such a shame that young women aren't taught about birth and such before it's time for them to start seriously considering pregnancies. I always thought of myself as very intelligent and impeccably informed, and boy am I learning how far off track I really am! Just now am I even learning the questions I'm supposed to be asking!

Too bad Oprah isn't into mommy topics. She could really make some positive change for the babies in the states if she wanted to. (sigh) Oh well.

[hipmummy]

I talked my dh into a birth center. he was very happy in the long run. SAdly we were transferred, but most of my wishes were followed. He does not wantto go back to the hospital. If we have our own , I may evenbe ableto talk him into a HB. My suggestionto you is stay home till it dare I say............................................... .................. too late

[sarahn4639]

yikes! i'd be scared about the possiblity of going there to birth too! i really think you need to put yourself first in this situation. we are having a hb with this babe and dh isn't thrilled, but i have explained why it is so very important to me, given him things to read, and gave him the opportunity to question the midwife. it did come down to the fact that, while i am his wife and this is his child, it is, at the core, my experience and my body so i am making this choice. he is not happy, but he accepts that this is what we are doing. i have tried talking to him about his fears/reservations and convincing him of the safety, but it truely comes down to you. i fully respect my husband and we make virtually all decisions together, but birth is so instinctively important to women in ways men can never understand that it truely is worth YOU "putting your foot down" for. i'm not advising you do anything to damage your relationship, but you do need to let him know how very important his support is to you and that very little is more important to you than protecting the birth of your child. good luck to you and i really hope you get the birth you ALL deserve!

[stiltzz]

This is his baby too. He needs to be in on the dicussions with your OB or midwife.

I had a hospital birth and was induced because of complications. I had talked with my high risk OB about what I wanted ahead of time and I was VERY clear that there would be no c-section unless it was absolutely necessary to save our child's life. I was out of bed and on my swiss ball a great deal of the time and delivered our son fine. I didn't get any of the horrible meds they usually give you after induction either.

So, a hospital birth does not have to be a horrible experience! If that is what is needed then you just do it.

[texanatheart]

Originally Posted by HeathenMommy

We talked to my OB who swore I can walk around and kneel and squat to my heart's delight and that I won't be harassed with interference options, but isn't that what she'd usually say anyhow? Why would she justify my fears before I'm in labor?

I just wanted to add my 2 cents about this...my doctor said the same thing, and it didn't happen. I got the IV, external monitoring, etc, etc that I didn't want. I did read a woman's story recently, though, that she had the nurse call her OB to check with him/her, and the nurse let her do as she pleased (yoga in her room/walking the hallways/etc) after that.

That being said, I really would like to encourage you to go the birthing center route. I wouldn't give my birth experience up for anything, but it would definitely have been MUCH more pleasant in a birth center.

[almadianna]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

Sorry, you lost me at "let."

yup.
the day that any man has feels like he has the power to tell me what to do with my body is the day that he is out of the door.

[almadianna]

My husband had never heard of HB before I got pregnant. it was never disccused that this was going to happen when we had kids. Needless to say he wasnt all for it, he was scared. He loves me and he was almost 40 having his first kid. He was not looking forward to "holding you while you bleed to death" as he put it. I gave him Ina Mays books, and the thinking woman's guide to better birth for father's day a month later. He promised he would read them and a month later he went on a business trip and did. It seems he just wanted to be alone while he educated himself and his own thoughts.
He knew that I was going to do what I wanted. It is my body and it is my choice. I told him that I wanted him with me and supporting me but my body and my safety was more important to me. When I said that he realized how important this was to me and after he read the books he realized I was right. Now he is the biggest homebirth supporter I have ever seen. He knows more about birth than most women do and he speaks to other fathers about it.
All it took was him respecting my decisions to begin with, him realizing how important this was to me, educating himself, and trusting me and my body. All of those things should be things that should not be hard anyways when you are in a good marriage, so I didnt feel like I was asking too much. Thankfully I didnt give in and we had a beautiful peaceful birth.

[mlec]

I only have a sec, so I only read the op--sorry!

BUT in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (that you can get off of Amazon.com, or BirthCare prob. has a copy you could borrow, if you're familiar w/ them) it mentions an M.D. who was married to an M.D. who birthed her baby w/ Ina May on the farm. It's a great story....esp.since she realized afterwards how much she as a obgyn would've interfered in a birth like her own.

Good luck! I say, your body, your baby. Guys just do not get it--the physiological stuff is so important.

Also, give him some news articles on:
--hospital staph infections
--the dad who was tasered at the hospital while holding his newborn, and baby was dropped on the floor (he and his wife were trying to leave w/o vaxes, I believe)
--the florida mom who had a complication-free birth but had both arms and legs amputated 11 days after the birth, since she caught a flesh-eating bacterial infection from the hospital.
--the mom who's induction ended in her death from meningitis since the anesthiesologist (sp!) didn't wash his hands
--I just read about a family who's son suffered severe brain damage b/c the doc dropped him at the birth--wet and slippery baby, mama on a high "delivery" table over a hard tile floor

That hospitals are the safest place is a myth. Get him the info on that Canadian study that showed homebirths were as safe as hospitals w/ fewer episiotomies, fewer tears, fewer post partum infections.

[accountclosed3]

SublimeBirthGirl said: It's not that I don't care about my husband's fears (though my husband has the sense not to try to tell me what I can and cannot do with my own body). I would certainly talk through them with him, but I'm not going to give up MY birth, sacrifice my own desires not to mention my own safety and bodily integrity, just because of his irrational fears.

this is definitely my point of view.

too many men are unwilling to listen to a woman's desires for herself and her birth, they're unwilling to listen to or research information to help them come to an informed decision, and they're unwilling to work through their fears with or without their wife's help.

they use the "this is my baby too" scenario, and women blithely follow suit and say "well, he has a right to his part. . ." and they give up their power, their needs, their intuition, their physical, emotional, and spiritual safety to the fears of these men.

we shouldn't just give in because he says so.

we've been doing it too long. it's why medwives and obs get away with so much garbage. it's part of that paradigm of someone else knows best.

maybe, just maybe WE women know what's best. and maybe, we should be willing to stand up for that.

[DeChRi]

Replying without reading second half of the posts.....(new baby fussing here)

My DH is very much like yours. Many men tend to be programmed as "risk managers" and they see (when not having all the info) hospital, well "managed" births as the way to minimize the potential harm that could come to thier DW and baby. This is giving them credit....now, back to reality....

What I found with DH, was trying to see his side to start out, and keep in mind that we both wanted the same healthy birth, but had different ideas on how to get there.

We did Bradley classes, which gave him a new set of info. He is an info junkie. Plus having the neutral 3rd party presenting it helped. Some stuff he was skeptical and looked more into. But in the end, the more info I provided him with from legit sources, then more he became balance in the set of info he had.

I know this is more middle line than some other people may agree with, but it was important to me to go into labor with DH and I together. I tried to see his side, then present the info to him on my side, as well as being able to give him solid info to put his concerns at ease.

We had a great birth. Good luck!

[paphia]

HeathenMommy: keep working on shifting this "compromise" to where you will feel most safe giving birth. I gave birth in the hospital. I got a heplock, VE's, and intermittent external monitoring until I was a half hour into pushing when they pushed an internal monitor on me. DD was suctioned on the perineum due to some meconium in the water, her cord was cut immediately, she was whisked to the warmer next to my bed and eye-gooed and vit k'ed, etc. Without asking, they injected my thigh with some pit and the OB pulled out my placenta.

Looking back, even though I had a low intervention hospital birth and feel that it couldn't have gone much better, I would never choose to birth that way again. Never, ever. Even with my supportive dh and doula. Even if I could have a 100% guarantee that it would all go as "well" as it did the first time.

Keep working on your dh. Tell him what you're learning. Tell him about how *wrong* it is to you to have your body run over by a medically managed hospital birth. Tell him all the scary statistics that come from the cascade of interventions. But start making arrangements that make you feel good about your birth, and give him some time to warm up to them, and assume he'll come around. You shouldn't have to pick between fighting your spouse or fighting the hospital system when it comes to birth.

But if it does come down to that, I'd pick fighting with your spouse. He's got a much bigger investment in working things out in order to find a happy solution (i.e. a happy wife/mother of his child). The hospital doesn't really care if you're mad at them.

[HeathenMommy]

So why don't I just hire a pair of bodyguards?

So now it's come to this...

I've printed out the amputated mom in Florida story, the Canadian homebirth study, the staph and necrotizing infections research and studies AND the C section in Culture of Fear Article from last issue of Mothering. Hubby hasn't read anything yet... He's got until next Monday before I strap him into bed uncomfortably and poke him in the behind until he can't take it anymore!

I've set up an appointment with the 1st doula we want to interview, and I'm realizing that this is not going well... Just today, we got into a near fight because Hubby says I'm being "unreasonable" and "reneging" on my "promise" to have baby #1 in the hospital.

And true to male form like many of you predicted he pulled the "It's my baby too and I'm gonna have some say in this!" card. So I pulled the "My body, my labor, my choice!" card and he says that I should no longer talk with him about this, I should talk with my doc. And then we went back to the circular argument of my belief that the doc will tell me whatever I want to hear and then do what the hell she wants anyway, or my larger fear, she won't be the doc on duty when baby comes knocking and I'll get a bunch of residents wanting to stick their hands up inside of me because they've never done it before and hey- I'm probably one of the first uninduced chicks in labor they've met.

So what's next for me is to spend some time on a few local mommy message boards and find out who had a doc they liked and who will adhere to my "radical" request to be left alone! But I'm not feeling so confident about this becuase of where we live... Hence my desire for two big imposing sunglassed bodyguards who will ask everyone coming near me, "What are you doing? HeathenMommy, he wants to XYZ, cool with you?" Or better yet, "I see her going for scissors! I see her going for scissors! Scissors are not cleared to be in this area!"

Oh... I should just get a job writing fantasy!

[sarahn4639]

You could probably find a showing of The Business of Being Born in your area. If at all possible take your husband!!! All you should tell him is to have an open mind and you can talk about it when he's ready. My dad went (had to if he wants to come to this birth at home) and loved it! He was telling everyone in bible study the next night about how bad interventions are! I'm so proud! Now granted he was very pro "natural" birth going in and saw my mom have all 4 of us and watched my daughter born with out intervention in a hospital but was very pro hospital birth. This changed his mind. Seriously, a movie can make an impact an article or conversation can't. Ask everyone you can find in the birth field in your area and someone will know if there is a showing coming up.

ETA: How far along are you? I truely believe something can be said for "taking a break" for a while. Just try to avoid the topic for 2-3 weeks and let him do some thinking and processing on his own. If you are early enough in your pregnancy it might be helpful. If you are late second trimester or beyond I understand needing to get things in order now.

[HeathenMommy]

Great idea!

However I showed him the trailer and he FREAKED THE ^@## OUT about me looking at reactionary and inflammatory stuff that "doesn't even apply to you!" So I don't know how openminded this one can be.

He SWEARS that his 22 year old and his ex-wife would have died without the c-section... and that's the only birth experience he can relate to.

I'll be on the lookout for the Business of Being Born, and since I'm only 12.5 weeks (it seems so much longer now... I'll check back in about how long it feels in a few more months!) the moratorium could be a good idea...

I just love a good debate- especially when I'm right!!!!! But who doesn't.

I'll just keep leaving articles and stuff under his pillow and on his favorite chair and we'll see what happens!

[shelleyd]

Just a thought here- When you're bombarding him with information, it seems that you're trying to change his mind since his position is the default. The hospital seems decided and so what reason does he have to read everything you're giving him? How about just telling him you're going to the bc. And do it, set up the appointment. Then leave it up to him to change your mind. Put the ball in his court. You be the one to put your foot down and then let it go. Let him dig for info, etc. You've done your part.

I think that this should be resolved but I also think the default should be what the person birthing the baby wants. If he can come up with a compelling reason to go to the hospital, then fair enough. But until then, it's what you feel comfortable doing. This is both of your baby but it's coming out of YOUR body. You will be the one that has to heal from the birth, not him.

Good luck,
Shelley