I had a revelation the other day while reading Silent Knife. While I've never had a C-section, I've been starting to realize that I've been exhibiting many of the same symptoms of anger and grief that sectioned mothers experience. I did have a hideous hospital birth experience with our first child, but after the beautiful homebirth I had with our second child, I thought everything was resolved. I was wrong. Henri is 15 months old now, and 15 months after that birth and pregnant with our third, I'm able to see things that went wrong. I suffered for at least 9 or 10 months after with postpartum depression that went undiagnosed. I did see a psychologist but he did not seem to think that I had it. If I were my own doctor I would have.
I just don't feel like I came away from Henri's birth as empowered as I would have liked to, or expected to. Granted this was an extremely difficult time, we were very poor, my husband was commuting 50 minutes to and from work and gone constantly, I was unhappy being a stay at home mom and even though I wanted to feel fulfilled being a homemaker, I just wasn't. I admired my friends who happily sewed and knitted and canned vegetables. I wanted to learn how to do those things too, and slowly I am learning through my stepmom who is skilled in all things home. Being poor kind of made those endeavors impossible though.
Anyway, I just can't believe I'm feeling like this! But I know these feelings are real, and I want to take steps to improve upon my next birthing experience. Some things that didn't "go my way" during Henri's birth:
Too many people. Not the rock-concert-rivalling crowd that showed up at his brother's birth, but still too many. My mom and mother in law were both there, and I once again thought at the time I wanted them there, but immediately after the birth I regretted it. I cannot cave into this irrational desire to have them at the next birth.
Didn't take good enough care of myself during labor. I woke with ctx around 5:30am, Henri was born at 12:30pm. During that time I had a piece of peanut butter toast, a small glass of orange juice and 1 8oz bottle of water. I was miserably dehydrated and my bp plummeted to 60/30 and stayed there for six hours after. I layed on the bed a total zombie while my midwife and husband coerced me to eat and drink and nurse Henri. I was fine once I snapped out of it, but that wasn't very fun.
It was really just these two things. But they were easily prevented, and I guess that's frustrating. I guess I expected to come out of a pure birth experience empowered, some kind of Super Woman that could conquer the world, but I only acted the part on the surface. I didn't feel that way inside and I wanted to.
What else do I need to do to make this better? What should I do and more importantly NOT do for this next birth? It seems so selfish to dwell on it, with so many women out there who do not even get a chance to experience what I did.
I just don't feel like I came away from Henri's birth as empowered as I would have liked to, or expected to. Granted this was an extremely difficult time, we were very poor, my husband was commuting 50 minutes to and from work and gone constantly, I was unhappy being a stay at home mom and even though I wanted to feel fulfilled being a homemaker, I just wasn't. I admired my friends who happily sewed and knitted and canned vegetables. I wanted to learn how to do those things too, and slowly I am learning through my stepmom who is skilled in all things home. Being poor kind of made those endeavors impossible though.
Anyway, I just can't believe I'm feeling like this! But I know these feelings are real, and I want to take steps to improve upon my next birthing experience. Some things that didn't "go my way" during Henri's birth:
Too many people. Not the rock-concert-rivalling crowd that showed up at his brother's birth, but still too many. My mom and mother in law were both there, and I once again thought at the time I wanted them there, but immediately after the birth I regretted it. I cannot cave into this irrational desire to have them at the next birth.
Didn't take good enough care of myself during labor. I woke with ctx around 5:30am, Henri was born at 12:30pm. During that time I had a piece of peanut butter toast, a small glass of orange juice and 1 8oz bottle of water. I was miserably dehydrated and my bp plummeted to 60/30 and stayed there for six hours after. I layed on the bed a total zombie while my midwife and husband coerced me to eat and drink and nurse Henri. I was fine once I snapped out of it, but that wasn't very fun.
It was really just these two things. But they were easily prevented, and I guess that's frustrating. I guess I expected to come out of a pure birth experience empowered, some kind of Super Woman that could conquer the world, but I only acted the part on the surface. I didn't feel that way inside and I wanted to.
What else do I need to do to make this better? What should I do and more importantly NOT do for this next birth? It seems so selfish to dwell on it, with so many women out there who do not even get a chance to experience what I did.
I'm sorry you didn't get the best homebirth you could. Thinking back to mine, there are things I regret doing/not doing too. I had HORRIBLE PPD, it's still there some, but I'm already planning on how I want the next birth to be & I'm not even pregnant yet.
