Masturbation in young children?? What to do????

[pashari]

I'm mainly a lurker here and this is actually my first post (but a doozy, eh?). I do post over at TBW with the same screen name. I also did a search and read the various posts that have discussed this issue. But I am just so confused and not certain if it is just my own prejudices or something more. I, obviously, want my children to grow up to be sexually healthy and not ever feel ashamed or embarrassed about their body or their sexual activity. But to see this behavior exhibited in a 4 or 5 year old child just makes me pause.

My DD is 4.5 y/o. One of her playmates is 5.5 y/o and her mom was discussing with me how her DD had just discovered the joys of pleasuring herself about 5 or 6 weeks ago. She (the mom) has put limits on it (it's something that is private, it is to be done in your room, wash hands afterwards, etc.) and has handled it by being as calm and non-chalant as possible. She mentioned that her DD will at times during the day say "I need private time in my room, now" and go to her room and shut the door for 15 to 20 minutes (while the mom can hear some grunting) and then come out all sweaty and flushed. At one point it was frequent enought that the child told her mom that it hurt to urinate and her mom said "that is your body's way of telling you to back off a bit and not do it so much".

Currently, I have not observed my DD doing any type of exploratory touching, etc. When she was a toddler, there were times when she would strain against her carseat straps or the high chair but it was pretty infrequent. My concern in posting this is that I do want to be prepared and not get blindsided when and if my DD starts this type of behavior.

First off, is there a difference between exploratory touching of their bodies to all out "masturbating" in terms of sweating, grunting, moaning behavior until release?

And, TBH, I think this is where my discomfiture comes in. The pleasuring until release in a child this young. While I realise that this is not a "sexual" release in terms as you & I know it, it still is using a form of sexual physical stimulation as a coping/comfort mechanism.

Would it not be better to re-direct the child to other forms of coping/comfort?? I'm not certain that sending the message that this is the prefered method for coping/comfort is the correct thing to do in a child of this age.

I think the whole issue of masturbation as a normal form of sexual exploration can be addressed as the child nears puberty. It's the issue of masturbation as a coping mechanism that has me wondering what is the best thing to do.

In reading the various old posts on this issue the majority have just treated this behavior as matter-of-fact as playing dolls or playing legos. And, again, I'm not too worried about the normal exploration of the body, it's the stopping play to go and masturbate two or three times a day for weeks on end - the use of this type of stimulation as an ongoing coping/comfort mechanism - that concerns me.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

hugs -

lisa

[MammaB21]

I don't think there is really anything wrong with it. I remember doing this as a kid, well, as long as I can remember back actually. I allways knew enough to do it in private, but didn't actually know what it meant, what it was, or why I felt the way I did. Now, as an adult, I am happy that I was 'one of the lucky ones' to find it so early on.. I never had to do any 'reading up' as an adult. I also have seen this in other girls around that age. My neice did this too, (used to babysit her) as early as age 2. (and yes, full out, grunting, flushing in the face, to release). Obviously she had no idea what she was doing, and alot of times would just put down a toy, and get to work. Her mom had the same discussion with her as your freind did, and all was well after that.

I think you are right in your feelings, it can be a very ackward situation. But it sounds like her mom is handling it well. Some girls find it young, some find it later, heck, some don't ever find it at all... I think it is a normal and natural part of life.

I wouldn't be inclined to assume the child is using this as a coping/comfurting measure. Although that may very well be the case, I think it is more likely that she just newly disscoverd something her body can do that she never knew before. Kinda like learning to walk, or when toddlers first use the word 'no', and then EVERYTHING is "no, no, no". I would think she will grow out of it, (at least out of the frequency of this accuring). However, if you are concerned that this might be more of an emotional issue, she is having problems coping, or needing more comfurt, maybe doing some research could help. But I wouldn't assume it is a problem. Hope that helped somewhat.

[lesley&grace]

I totally agree with the PP.

I think the way your friend is handling her dd is fantastic. Her dd is going to be fully trusting that her mother be there to support her later on, she is building a great foundation for her dd's sexual health.

Further to that, you can also explain to your child (if it comes up, it might not) that if you find she needs private time several times a day, that there are good times and bad times to go do it. For example, if you have company over, or it's dinner time or family time...those would be "bad times" to go off for some alone time. Respect is a two way street after all. If you respect her need to have private time then she will in turn respect that there is a place and also a TIME.

The difference between exploration and full-out masturbation lies in how far the child is going. It's not so much a difference as it is a matter of degrees. And even if the child is masturbating to the point of orgasm, that is normal too, even in very young children.

I think your concern of using it as a coping mechanism is valid. If your child is using it as a stress release...well, frankly orgasm is a great stress release. Perhaps if it's the only coping mechanism the child turns to and they use it for every little upset, that could be a real concern. But to be totally honest, I openly admit that I've masturbated when I've been stressed out (I mean at like the end of a bad day, at home in private...just so you don't think I'm ducking in for a self-made quickie whenever my blood pressure goes up )...it can really help, it's not a bad thing. More people should do it, especially women since it can really help you to get in tune with your body.

The issues that typically come up with adults is that we associate it with sex (of course we do) and adult versions of masturbation typically involve very adult fantasy...but young children typically are not being sexual when they masturbate. Typically it's completely by accident they discover that it feels good and therefore they continue to do it. It's totally normal and natural. It's not sexual at all, no more than scratching to relieve an itch. Sexual comes into play much later, when the body develops for reproduction.

Reminds me of that old commercial..."Children don't tire of the things they like"

Once the novelty wears off, I'm sure the frequency will decrease.

Again though, you may never have to deal with this with your child. And I think it's fantastic that you are here asking for other opinions, because it strikes me that you want to be able to handle this in a very healthy way and not from the hang-ups you may have.

[queenjane]

Well i agree with the two previous posters!

I'll also add that when my son was maybe five or six years old, he went through a period of kind of "obsessively" masturbating. He'd spend a loooong time in the bathroom or wherever. Sometimes he'd do it while watching tv in the living room and i'd have to direct him to another room. His father (who does not live with us)was really freaked out by it, not sure why.

Anyway, it passed. oh, i dont doubt he still does it, just not as much as when he first discovered it. And he's more private about it.

So....completely normal, i think the "novelty" wears off a bit (though, hopefully, doesnt wear off completely!)


Katherine