Need ideas re: ways to help my friend. Warning: this is not a happy story

[ACsMom]

I had no idea where to post this, so if a moderator comes along and feels it needs to be moved, I understand. I have a very close friend whose 3.5 y/o daughter just relapsed with leukemia. She spent most of her third year of life in the hospital doing chemo, and this past August they finally went home, triumphant, and my friend proceeded to start putting their lives back together. A couple of weeks ago, however, they found new cancer, and now the family is back at the hospital - Anna just finished a new round of chemo and they have decided to do a bone marrow transplant this time. This means she will be in the hospital for several weeks, and then will need to be isolated at home for several months after that.

Unfortunately I live 500 miles away, otherwise I would be at her house every day cleaning her bathrooms and taking care of her younger daughter and doing their food shopping, etc. They have lots of family members close by, my friend's family as well as her husband's, so they do have a lot of support, but I guess I just want to do SOMETHING - Laura's been one of my very best friends since high school, and despite the distance we've always stayed close. I can't believe this is happening, and like any mom I keep thinking about what I would do if something happened to my own precious daughter - I just don't know how I would go on. I went through cancer treatment myself several years ago, before I got pregnant, so do understand what's happening to Anna from a medical standpoint. But it's a WHHOOOOLE different ballgame when it's YOU going through it and you're an adult - it's like you have this illusion of control, or something. But to have this happen to a child.....I just can't fathom the devastation.

So what can I do? I mean, I send little things to Anna (she gets tons of stuff in the hospital, as you can imagine) and I keep up with my friend by phone whenever she's able to talk. But often when I'm up there visiting (they live in my hometown, where we both grew up) I can't see them because Anna can't have visitors when her immune system is wiped out from the chemo, esp. other kids. So it has to be from afar, mostly. Anyone have any ideas? They are already hooked up with Make-A-Wish, and Anna's had some really wonderful experiences. I'm not saying that I need to do this great big thing that costs lots of money - I just want to take care of them somehow. Maybe my problem is that I need to accept the fact that I can't do anything other than continue to be there for my friend and give emotional support. Well...any thoughts/ideas are appreciated! Sorry so long - thanks for reading.

[laila2]

the thought that comes to my mind

a scrap book of what the two of you were like when you were young might be fun for Anna to look through. Putting it together may also help you.
edited to add s

[NYCVeg]

Are there any food delivery services or restaurants that do small catering jobs in her area? If you were closer, you could cook a bunch of meals for them to freeze and have available--but maybe you could find a nice Italian restaurant that will, say, deliver a couple of lasagnas or something. Or maybe a cleaning service? I'm trying to think of the things that I would least like to do if I had a seriously ill child...and cooking and cleaning are on the top of the list.

If they have a laptop, you could also send video greetings to the little girl--might be something fun and different.

[littlemizflava]

:first thing that came to my mind trying to make her less cooped up is a pc/laptop for her to talk to family on dont need to know how to type just using msn's video call feature(web cam and voice). this way she is able to talk to family members & show off pic's, crafts, ect. that she has done. also she could play games with family members online also.

[fiddledebi]

I had quite a number of hospital stays with DD2 (thank goodness, all her issues are resolved now, for the most part) and there is a certain rhythm and reality to life in the hospital for a parent. Sadly, I got so that I could pack a backpack for the hospital in the five minutes between deciding it was time to visit the ER and getting in the car to go screaming up the road. There are times when your child is sleeping or off having tests or just comfortable in your arms watching something on tv, and these are times when a mom can use some quick, simple things for herself. Anna, as you mention, probably has anything she could use -- but your friend might appreciate a few things.

I would send little care packages to your friend for her time in the hospital -- paperback books of short stories/essays, magazines, energy bars and snacks, a pair of good sturdy slip-on shoes or slippers, a pretty but washable cardigan, comfortable drawstring pants, a necklace with a stone known for healing power (like hematite), DVDs with short segments (like seasons of a TV show) if she's got the means to watch them when her DD is sleeping, coupons for drinks/treats in the hospital cafeteria or a coffeeshop within walking distance of the hospital, small bottles of nice-smelling lotion, a pretty tote bag, etc. Obviously you don't need to do all of it, but these are things that come in handy when you are at the hospital for days at a time.

My heart goes out to that family. The other thing you can do is simply imagine Anna well -- picture her robust and healthy, picture a doctor handing her a piece of paper that reads "CURED," picture every detail of it all resolved. Do that every day, twice a day. Send that energy out into the universe, and see what happens.

Good luck to you all. You are a good friend!

[ananas]

I would hire somebody like Merry Maids to come help her out every once in a while.

[ACsMom]

Thanks you guys - these are some really great ideas!

[*Melissa*]

Maybe send tickets to a local amusement park to give the child something to look forward to and to motivate her healing?

For the mother, maybe a gift certificate to a local massage place? An hour to relax her a little?

For inside the hospital, if they're allowed - a handheld video game unit to pass away the boredom for everyone? (Nintento DS eg)

Gift certificate for dry-cleaning?
ITA with the Merry Maids idea!

Any kind of age-appropriate pampering items for the girl - mini-manicure set, wigs (if needed?), etc to make her feel beautiful & special while she's stuck in the hospital.

[tammyswanson]

What about MakeaWish foundation?

[rachelle-a-tron]

I think little care packages are nice & when my Son died (I know it's not the same) It was just nice to get a phone call or a card in the mail saying people were thinking about me.

((((Anna))))

[thewaggonerfamily]

This is more practical, but when my dh was critical in the icu two things that helped a ton were a visa giftcard someone gave us and gas cards. I burned a ton of gas going back and forth to the hospital everyday once he wasn't so critical. Also maid service and fast food gift cards would be great since I usually ate on the way to the hospital in the am.