redefining normal

[hubris]

I'm eagerly awaiting the birth of baby #3 any day now. This will be our first homebirth. Lately I've noticed how much my sense of what's "normal" has shifted since birthing my first baby (and my sense of normal was way off the mainstream to begin with!).

Every time a pregnant friend mentions their doctor, it seems weird to me. Doctor? Why are you seeing a doctor? I'm confused.

I heard about a friend's birth this morning from another friend, who mentioned visiting her in the hospital. My first thought was "oh, dear, why were they in the hospital, is the baby sick?"

Then there was the discussion that DH had with some coworkers at lunch the other day. "Have you prepared DS1 for the baby's birth?" they asked. DH answered "oh, yeah, we've watched a bunch of birth videos..." and the room fell silent. One person's reaction: "why would you do that?" Honestly, I think DS1 knows more about pregnancy and birth than your average first-time father. Yikes.

Don't even get me started on how irked I feel when somebody asks me what my doctor thinks, how dilated I am, what hospital I'll deliver at.



Have other people's versions of "normal" been striking you as odd lately?

[natural_mama89]

I know exactly what you mean!!!! Why do so many people assume you are seeing a doctor? Especially when in many other countries OB's are reserved for high risk pregnancies (there's a concept). And the term "deliver" just bothers me. I can push my baby out perfectly fine on my own, thanks. I was at a WIC appointment and the WIC lady asked me if I was dilated, and when I said that my midwife doesn't do VE's until you are in labor she thought it was really strange. There is no point in VE's before labor. The baby will come when it is ready. I have heard of women walking around for weeks 80% effaced, dilated to a 4 or 5. How does knowing this help these women?

[mama_nym]

I have the same thoughts! And boy have my views on birth evolved since child #1 was born! My first was a medicated (induced, epidural, continuous efm, etc. etc. etc.) hospital birth, my second a natural hospital birth, my third a mw attended birth center waterbirth, my fourth a homebirth (finally!!!) and we're planning another homebirth.

ALL my children probably know more about birth at the moment than dh did when I was pg with our first. Even our 2 year old enjoys birth videos...and all my kids have been at their younger siblings' births.

Someone asked me if I got baby's going home outfit the other day ... uh...what? Going home? From where? I completley forgot about the whole going home outfit thing!

And an acquaintance was complaining about having to bring her baby to a well-baby checkup in the cold CT winter at a week old and 3 weeks old (or something like that) - and it took me a minute to remember that while my midwives will come to my house for well-baby checks for the first few weeks, she doesn't have that option.

Someone asked me the other day if I had any pictures of the baby and I said, "Huh? Pictures?" and she said, "You know, ultrasound photos?" Um... no... not having one thanks. Watching jaws hit the floor when people see my huge belly and ask if I'm having twins and I say ... "I don't know - I'm not having an ultrasound unless absolutely necessary" is kinda entertaining, though!

To me, pregnancy is normal. It's a part of life. It's not a medical condition requiring a doctor. Birth is normal and doesn't require more than me birthing my baby - and any support people I feel I need at the time.

[hubris]

Originally Posted by mama_nym

Someone asked me if I got baby's going home outfit the other day ... uh...what? Going home? From where? I completley forgot about the whole going home outfit thing!

too funny! I guess you need a staying-home outfit!

Actually, about clothing the baby - I had a really hard time choosing baby clothing to put in my birth kit. I'm not sure how soon we'll dress him, and when we do dress him, suddenly the idea of the layers of diaper and sleeper with separate legs seemed SO uncomfortable for a little person who has never been anything but naked before. I never really thought about that for my hospital births, I chose the going-home outfit based on cuteness (it was comfy cotton, but still, different thought process).

[mama_nym]

With our September homebirth it was enough just to put him in a diaper (or not - he decided he wanted to be EC'd from the start) and maybe a t-shirt. With our Feb baby we're planning on gowns, but for the first couple days after birth mainly just using mama's body heat and blankets, as I'm camping out in bed for a few days to enjoy my baby!

[cheeseRjedi]

Ugh. I was out at the Children's Museum with DD a week or so ago and some random woman I'd never met before came up to me and said 'Are you ready? I'll deliver your baby right now.' thinking she was being funny. First of all, no one but ME is 'delivering' my baby into the world and I certainly would not have some random stranger try to help me in the process anyways. I just don't understand some people.

I also had a friend of DH's ask me if I was going to 'go to the hospital as soon as the first contraction hits and get an epidural and all that good stuff' :. I just stared at her in disbelief. When I finally got it together I just said 'No we're having the baby at home and not pumping him/her full of drugs.' but I was still just taken aback by what the mainstream view of birth is like.

[hubris]

Originally Posted by mama_nym

With our September homebirth it was enough just to put him in a diaper (or not - he decided he wanted to be EC'd from the start) and maybe a t-shirt. With our Feb baby we're planning on gowns, but for the first couple days after birth mainly just using mama's body heat and blankets, as I'm camping out in bed for a few days to enjoy my baby!

That's pretty much what I was planning. Gowns seem more comfortable, and I think lots of skin-to-skin in our snuggly bed will be happening.

[tinyshoes]

I realized how insulated and happy I am in my homebirth-is-the-norm bubble yesterday at my homebirth prenatal...

I was talking to my mws about a birth I had attended as a doula, and mentioned how the mama I was serving had a pain-free waterbirth and had used hypnobirthing while pg.

Then my mw asked, 'what hospital was she at?' and I realized, of course, I had made no mention that it was a home birth, because for my 4 doula-ing births last spring, only 1 was a planned hospital birth. Because if I were telling a birth story that took place at a hospital, then that's an important detail I include.

Coz when it's just a birth, it's at home.

[erin_brycesmom]

I can fully relate .

[Vancouver Mommy]

Whenever anybody talks about "delivering" a baby it makes me think that somebody from UPS is going to show up with a newborn.

[barbara]

I think normal is a relevant term. :

Most women are induced before their due date now, is that normal? I guess for them it is. How bizarre.

When my daughter was pregnant with her first I asked her if she wanted to go to a hospital and she asked me "WHY?" I guess normal for her, growing up with homebirth, was very different from what the average first time mom considers "normal".

[echospiritwarrior]

Wow, I'm so glad I'm not the only one... all of my children were born at home so I sometimes forget that people go elsewhere...

I was at the optometrist a week or two before my baby came and a little old lady was in there talking the ear off the receptionist, she had something to say about everything... when she turned around and saw me, leaning against the couch waiting for her to stop talking she made a comment

"well it looks like someone will be going to the hospital really soon"



when I realize she is talking to me I simply smiled. sometimes you don't even care. I hope it took her long enough to get into her car that she saw me ride away on my bicycle

[barefootpoetry]

What's "normal" these days really scares me.

We took a childbirth class when I was pregnant with DS, mostly for DH's benefit since I had read every book in creation and pretty much already knew everything the instructor taught us. There were perhaps 10 or 12 couples total in the class, and out of all of us, I was the ONLY ONE who was being seen by a midwife. :

Let's hijack normal and make it OURS again, and show these freaks as what they really are.

[MsBlack]

I just want to say that I love this thread!

Yeah, let's not just hijack normal...let's reclaim it!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Other people's "normal" has ALWAYS struck me as odd! I'm a natural rebel.

[cornpicker]

[QUOTE=hubris;9751962]
Then there was the discussion that DH had with some coworkers at lunch the other day. "Have you prepared DS1 for the baby's birth?" they asked. DH answered "oh, yeah, we've watched a bunch of birth videos..." and the room fell silent. One person's reaction: "why would you do that?" Honestly, I think DS1 knows more about pregnancy and birth than your average first-time father. Yikes. QUOTE]

Ha, this struck me in particular. When I was pregnant, I got to see "The Business of Being Born" at the Tribeca Film Fest. When I was picking up my ticket, the person at the counter said something like, "are you sure you want to see this movie? it is really graphic." I said, "I am excited to see it! It will help to prepare me."

But yes, this idea is crazy! I'm about to go through this intense experience, so I want to know as little about it as possible?! What? I loved seeing videos of healthy births and reading positive birth stories. I hate all of this fear around birth and keeping it a scary mystery.

So, yes, I'm with you that my idea of normal has completely evolved since I got pregnant. I went to an OB for my first prenatal appt... I wasn't expecting to end up with a homebirth but I kept reading and following my gut and that's what worked out for us.

[CanidFL]

I realized how not normal I was when I took my birthing class. On the first day one of the girls said "I'm nervous because I have never seen anyone in labor so I don't know what to expect" so I told her to go on youtube and that I watch homebirths all the time on there. Well everyone stopped and looked at me like I was 7' tall, purple with three heads!!!

I forgot it's not normal to watch birth videos

[mom2tillie]

I just hope that my experiences and my changing sense of "normal pregnancy and birth" rubs off on my sisters so that they know better when their time comes... btw... my older-younger sister is TTC... wish her luck!

-Iris

[salt_phoenix]

I try not to even get into situations where labor/birth/delivery come up...
I've had all my babies at home, my first being in 1988. THAT has and always has been "normal" to me. I don't talk to pg women, I don't ask them questions, I don't even want them to volunteer the information.
I even cringe when I hear a friend is pg. because I know where it will go...
Hearing what is "normal" to "most"? Well, I'm traumatized every time. :

Nevermind the circ. topic. It still never ceases to astound, confuse and make me ill when I hear that women are STILL cutting part of their baby's penis off.

"You use CLOTH DIAPERS???!!!!"
You would think I'd slathered the baby in it's own poo. :

"You nursed HOW LONG?!?!?"

I finally made a mei tai for a friend who had a baby in August. I saw her not once but twice, out in public, carrying her baby in a bucket, little baby swinging at a precarious angle of to the side and her in some weird posture trying to hold him out there; and then just sitting him somewhere off in a corner... I snuck it in via her dh, who I heard complaining about "that PITA car seat"... and made it out of a fabric that I knew she would LOVE... oh how I hope they quit putting their baby in a bucket in the corner... It never occurred to them to WEAR their baby.

I'm with ya on "normal" being very very very NON normal in my world!!!

[RedHen4]

My midwife and her assistant came by for my home visit yesterday. She jokingly said, "You homebirth, home school, xeriscape your yard...but you look so NORMAL!!"

I could have added that I use cloth diapers (mostly) and make my own bread, too. :-)