WWYD? Re child going out of state without parents

[JamesMama]

My great-uncle passed away early yesterday. He's had terminal cancer for 2 years, so it really wasn't that big of a surprise. We had been expecting it for several months now.

Since I'm only 3 weeks post partum I don't feel up to making the 13 hour trip from Iowa to North Dakota so DH and I will not be attending the funeral. Plus 13 hours in the car with a 3 week old will quickly turn into 20 hours when allowing for feedings and diaper changes. :

My grandma, 2 uncles, 1 aunt and a cousin are all riding together in my 1 uncles full size van. My grandma called today to ask if they could take James (almost 3 years) along with them. They would leave early Sunday morning and likely return late Monday.

I'm really torn on this.

On one hand, I think James would have a good time with family and my extended family would get to see him. He does overnights away from DH and I a couple times a month and it has never been a problem, so him being away from me isn't an issue.

My family is responsible and I trust them to properly care for James, one of my uncles has young children so he understands car seat safety so thats a non-issue.

My issue is 1) It's a funeral, I don't want him to be scared seeing a dead body. He's only met this great-uncle once so I'm not worried about him being upset just the whole 'look, it's a dead person' thing could be scary for a little kid. Kwim? and 2) It's 13 hours away.

If I say no it'll cause a HUGE stink because this is just the way things are done in my family. Kids go off on long trips without their parents all the time. I was going on week+ long vacations with my grandparents without my parents when I was younger than James.

Any advice??

[starry_mama]

I think you need to ignore what everyone else thinks. (Not MDC, but your family who may "cause a stink".) Personally, I don't think I would let my child/ren go, but they have also never been away from me overnight, so a 13 hour trip would be an awful "first time away".

[NaomiLorelie]

At 3yo, I couldn't do it. At that age, I feel that they should be with their parents for extended periods. DH took 4yo (at the time) DD for two nights to see BIL snd go to a baseball game. I totally trusted him, but I still fretted. My IL's wanted to take her at five for 2 days down to see BIL and I COULD NOT let them do it. I trust them, and I felt bad disappointing MIL, but my mama instinct just couldn't allow it. In a few years though, I'm sure I would be okay with it.

[mama_b]

No way, mainly because of the distance. If he would need you there wouldn't be a darn thing you could do about it being 13 hours away.

[Iris' Mom]

I agree -- the travel time, plus the funeral, I wouldn't do it. I let my parents take dd to my sister's overnight 3 hrs away, and had no problem, but 13 hrs is so long for a 3 yo, and I just think that's too young for a funeral. At best, he won't understand it; at worst, he'll be scared.

[katheek77]

For a funeral, no.

That said, at right around 3 yrs old, I went with my grandma to Michigan for two weeks. No parents. They were back in eastern NY with my few months old sister.

I had a blast. I think the situation itself is just too much...

[Getz]

I wouldn't send my son. It is a really long drive. The kid won't remember it and probably be bored.

[elmh23]

i wouldn't take my 3 year old to a funeral, so my answer would be no based on that.

as for the family, just tell them you don't think james would react well at the funeral and you'd want to be there to comfort him. don't mention the distance and they can't get mad about it

good luck

[VisionaryMom]

Well, I'll be the oddball. I'd probably let him go. I think kids remember trips pretty well. My son (almost 3) has mentioned to us things from trips we've taken. Our son has stayed the night away from us 2 times, so I probably wouldn't let him go with other relatives. If he stays away from you often, though, it could be great fun for him. We've made numerous 12-hour trips to see my family. The trip itself can be exciting.

As far as the funeral, I don't like to take children to funerals. In my family, there's always someone who's willing to watch the little tykes during the funeral. Even if he goes, is your family's tradition such that him seeing the body would be necessary? In ours, you don't have to see the body, and many people leave the funeral without doing so.

[alegna]

That sounds like it would be a really hard trip even if he was with his parents. I wouldn't send my dd on such a trip.

-Angela

[greenfish]

I also spent time away from my parents at this age. If your family is the kind of family that does this well, then this is the kind of trip that builds your son's connections to his extended family.

Is there an adult going who can figure out how to adapt the funeral experience for James so that it isn't as intense as funerals can be? I remember my grandfather's funeral at 5 (my sister was 3) and we spent most of it outside in the atrium because we couldn't sit still for the length service (and didn't understand all the prayers in the Episcopal service, being UU...)

[sadean]

I farm my kids out to the grandparents a lot, so I am not anti-travel/being away from parents. But in this case, I would likely say no. It is funeral and a time when people are likely to be upset and emotional the entire weekend. I would not put my kids into that situation without me to mitigate/manage the situation with them. I think if I were in that situation (remember who I was when I was three and seeing how my kids were/are), I think I would have been traumatized by it.

[JamesMama]

I talked to my gma about it and (thankfully) she agreed that with James personality (he's easily scared) a funeral is NOT a good idea. He'll be staying in Iowa with me, we'll send lots of pictures and promise to visit this summer for the family reunion. Gma said she never even thought about it being scary for him.

The trip doesn't bug me so much, he's done 13 hrs in the car twice before (once for my great-grandma's funeral in 2006 and last year when DH and I went to ND on vacation)...so long as we stop often he does fine. BUT my uncle won't want to stop often so James would get ansy (DH and I are planning on making the trip this summer, we're stopping overnight half way and will make plenty of rest area stops to let James burn off his energy)

But the funeral is a bit much. Funerals scare me and I'm nearly 24 years old.