Preschool and separation anxiety.. Need advice!

[BabyLilip]

Hi,

My DS will be 3 in January and I've been staying home with him since he was born. We don't have many family and friends here, so he has never been separated from me. He has stayed with my mom a few times though. He had no problem with that. He just started preschool, only 2 mornings a week. The first hour he was fine and told me to go out and sit in the car while he was playing with kids, but they said he's been crying for the rest of the first day.. The second day which was today was a really bad day for both of us. This morning I went to drop him off at school and he was so anxious and didn't wanna let go of me. They literally pilled him off of me and told me to leave!! It broke my heart to see that DS was holding my "sock" in his hand... Maybe he wanted to have something from home with him... I could hear him crying and screaming mommy, mommy! I left the school, thinking to myself what kind of a mom are you?!? Why would you ever want to put your child through this?!?!:

I hate to do things cold turkey, but I was told by every preschool I visited, that this is the way to go! Otherwise they won't get used to being away from you. This preschool that DS goes to, doesn't let me stay around for even the first few days. They say that they encourage, but the "push" parents to say a quick goodbye and leave!

As far as preschool I don't have many options since DS is severely allergic to dairy (contact reactive) and this preschool is one of the two preschools between the 12 that we visited, which can accommodate our needs. I even though I would try and see if I could volunteer to help out in his class for a few days, just to stick around until he gets used to it... I'm thinking maybe even a co-op school will make him get used to the idea of being away from mommy at school, which I don't like co-ops in general...

On the other hand I really need some lonely time for myself.. It is selfish, but sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my sanity! DH works long hours and I don't even get to go to dentist, doctor or anywhere else alone.

DS is very attached to me...I'm having such a hard time seeing him so upset. I don't know if this is the right way to do it? I'm told if I don't do it this way(meaning drop him off and leave after a quick goodbye!!), he'll never adjust to school. It doesn't sound right to me to just throw him in that strange environment, with strange people who don't even speak his language (DS is bilingual and doesn't speak English yet!)... But I'm sure it will be the best for him because he loves to be around kids... Specially that I know he'll be much happier with a happier mom.

Sorry it's too long.... I've been searching everywhere for an answer but still have no idea what to do... I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks..
:

[zjandosmom]

honestly...........I would say he is not ready. Can you wait and try again next year? I have never left my kids crying at school. All 3 of my boys have attended preschool but I waited until they were ready. The older two didn't go until they were 4/5 (year before kindergarten) and ds3 went when he was 3/4 but he was chomping at the bit to go. He is in his 'pre-k' year now (2nd yr in preschool). I am so glad i waited until they were ready. it breaks my heart to see kids left crying. They are only little once and all too soon are off doing their own things. that maybe isn't what you wanted to hear but.......nak

[Amys1st]

He maybe ready but this isnt the best place for him. I noticed at our preschool both my dds have and do attend, the child when entering the room quickly is very comfortable. And if the child is not so happy, should be within 10 minutes. Also, the teacher should welcome you staying around for ds to get to know the place and feel comfortable.

We attend a coop nursery school and yes it requires some work on my part, but the rewards are that much more. So if there is a local coop, I suggest checking that out. You also might try posting in the preschool years as well.

[lilylove]

Moved to Learning at School

[kmeyrick]

I'm an inner city librarian, but when I see one of the pre-schoolers crying over this I usually take them out into the hall, play patty cake or bounce them on my knee for a minute. This usually cheers them up while also distracting them, and they feel safer if they know someone cares. Are there older grades at your school? Maybe a student from an older grade can give ds a hug and model some independence. One school I visited had "guardian angels" where an older student would visit a younger class and help a few students out. They had to change the name guardian angels to "mentors" but it was still a sweet idea.

[BabyLilip]

Thank you all... Now I'm sure that this pre-school is not the right fit for us.. I'll keep searchin and first thing on Monday morning, I'm gonna contact the co-op near us. Thanks again, Paris

[siddie]

My son was like that. I withdrew him and waited until age 4 and a half when he was ready. we did a parent-participation preschool first and he enjoyed that. Why cause unnecessary trauma at that age?

[Lisa Lubner]

My experience was similar...

My experience is that if I stay until my DD is engaged in something, she will be okay for the day, and will gradually get better as the weeks go on. If I leave before she is ready, she totally freaks out... my daycare provider told me that it's okay for her to do that and that they will deal with it, but I told them that *I* was not okay with that. My DD has severe abandonment issues and I wanted to ease her into daycare gently. So what I do is I stay in the room and let her hover around me as long as she needs to. Then she starts getting interested in things in the room and will explore and I just let her know that "I'm going to sit right here and watch you, I'm not leaving yet." I stay until she is so engaged that she stops checking back with me. This took a long time the first few weeks, but now she only needs me there for a few minutes, and really looks forward to going.

We had a brief stint with another daycare that I loved, but that didn't suit her needs at all. It didn't matter how long I stayed, she would not let me leave without a fight, and I got called back to pick her up because her tantrum was so bad. So if doing the above doesn't help, I would look elsewhere.

[nd_deadhead]

We always dropped off our boys at breakfast time - they headed right for the table and started to eat, and hardly noticed us leaving. I think having a specific activity/routine at dropoff time is critical. If the child has a favorite teacher, enlisting that person to pay special attention to a child often helps (as kmeyrick suggested).