Originally Posted by quietserena
I haven't done anything I said I'd do.
This has been a bad few weeks for me. Really trying hard not to lose it but being in pain constantly is really exhausting.
Cracked nipples that never seem to heal (psoriasis) and I want to keep nursing DD but now she's starting to refuse, probably because I'm giving her signals that it hurts me, and that's all adding to mommy guilt and just dragging me down. I'm going to get some mother's milk tea today and start drinking it because my supply is dropping since she's refusing the boob so much.
Oh Serena, my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you are struggling. Reading your posts brings back memories of when my kids were babies and how hard some of those days (weeks/months/years!) were. I feel like I had years of "really trying hard not to lose it."
It seems I struggled constantly with depression and anxiety and exhaustion and stress, and the ever-present guilt from feeling like I could never be the kind of mom I really wanted to be. It was more of just trying to survive from one day to the next. I felt very alone sometimes, with no family around to help me and a DH who wanted to be supportive but really couldn't understand about the depression and anxiety issues and didn't know how to help.
As for mommy guilt...I only managed to BF my oldest DD for 6 weeks. I took antidepressants throughout my second and third pregnancies. With DS, my second baby, I managed to BF for 10 months and felt really good about that. But with my third baby, my youngest DD, I only made it to 6 months and had to stop because I had to start a second antidepressant (was already on one AD but still horribly depressed). As you can imagine, I had horrible guilt over all of these situations and constantly felt like a failure. One thing I didn't know then, that would have made a world of difference, was that I was suffering from an undiagnosed autoimmune thyroid disorder. Also, if I had known then what I know now about food and nutrition, I feel I would have been a much better mother.
However, I know I was doing the best I could do at the time, with the knowledge and information I had then. And I have to say that despite what I see as all my mistakes and failings, my kids are doing pretty well. At 13, 9, and almost 7, they are overall very happy and healthy and smart and well-adjusted. Most of all, they feel very loved and secure. So I guess I didn't do all that badly after all when I look at it that way.
I share all this (probably TMI, sorry) just to say that I can relate to what you're feeling right now. It is a struggle when they are little and need so much and we feel so depleted. It is easy to find lots of reasons to beat ourselves up and feel mommy guilt over all the things we're doing wrong. Try to give yourself credit for all the things you're doing right, too.
I want to say, also, that reducing/eliminating sugar is key for my health and sanity. I have been struggling the past couple weeks, too, and I know a big part of that is because I have let sugar creep back into my diet.
I know I feel my best when I make a point to eat breakfast (high protein/complex carb) as soon as possible after I wake up, and to eat a regular lunch and dinner, too--both of these as high protein/complex carb meals, or something very nutrient dense like bone broth soup. If I do have sugar, I have it with meals, never alone. I am working right now on cutting down on sugars again, because I know I will feel better emotionally. I wish I would have made that connection when my kids were babies, because I think I would have felt more stable emotionally and not struggled as much.
Okay, enough of my rambling...just please know that I am thinking of you today and you are in my prayers. Feel free to PM if you ever want to chat privately.