Would you/have you pushed the boundaries of a physically timid child?

[RainCoastMama]

If you have, did it backfire?

DD just turned 4 years old and has always been physicially timid - overly cautious. She's also highly sensitive, petite and was a late walker, so her physical milestones are a bit lagging. Because she's very much in her head, so to speak, she doesn't 'practise' the physically adventurous things that other kids (like her 2 yr old sister) do to gain balance, coordination, stamina. She's losing confidence, in my mind, and a window of opportunity to master some of these skills.

At a birthday party tonight for much older girls, at a gym, she sat on the sidelines and didn't even want to *try* some of the activities, saying she 'couldn't', while the 2 yr old barreled in headfirst. I was frustrated for her, and felt helpless and determined to 'do' soemthing about it - expose her to more maybe.

I have put her into ballet, gym, creative movement, swimming, etc. in the past, and the only one she really does well in is ballet (prolly cuz of her amazing abilities of concentration ) She's always the least physical in the other classes. She is open - asks for - more gym, soccer, tennis (but is too young for classes/groups).

Dh and I had a discussion tonight and are conflicted about whether to push her boundaries - put her in something that really pushes her, like gymnastics. DH says the downside is that it may set her up to fail or become less self-confident. That also stands for soccer.

Alternatively, I could put her into another dance class as she gets much self esteem (and enjoyment) from it, and it also helps with coordination, etc. But, IMO, that's not AS physically demanding as the other sports (at this age anyway).

Have you pushed your timid child? How did that work out? Is it a really bad idea?

Thoughts?

Thanks.

[Britishmum]

No I did not push my more reserved children. I let them take the lead. My 7 yo, who would not join in any organised class or activity in the past, is now a very competent horse-rider. She still hates soccer and organised games.

I saw no reason to push her then, and I see no reason to push her now. She has found her passion, and she is good at it. I do recall the feelings that you describe though. We went to one birthday party at a gym, and I was so embarrassed to have the only child who did not participate. Instead, she read me all the signs and posters on the walls. She was three at the time. We got some strange looks from other parents. At that time, it bothered me. Now, I couldn't care less what other people think.

Personally, I"d let her take the lead and choose activities that she really enjoys and excels in. The world does not need billions of accomplished soccer players any more than it needs billions of ballet dancers or horse-riders. I can't dance, but I swim well and I am an accomplished horse-rider. My life has not suffered through lack of ballet or soccer skills. Not everyone has to like everything. I think your dd will do fine if you let her focus on the activities that really interest her.

HTH

[alegna]

I would not push her into something she doesn't want to do. But if she wants more classes, sure, I'd sign her up.

-Angela

[raleigh_mom]

When my (cautious) daughter was three, I made her ride a horse. We had waited in the sun for 20 minutes because she said she absolutely wanted to do this. When it was our turn, she started crying. Darn it, I made a really bad decision and put her on the horse (a pony, really, with me holding her up and walking beside her). She cried the whole two minutes and it took three years to get her on another horse. BIG MISTAKE! I now know better.

Now, we simply sit with her and watch if that's what she needs to do. After several years of sitting on the sidelines, she is now much more willing to try things. I think it took that long for her to feel really safe. Now she loves playing soccer and is excited about trying basketball this winter.

While she was early to walk, she was very slow learning to run, catch, etc.

Another example: Last Christmas, she sat in our laps during her first two Christmas play rehersals. Slowly she gained confidence, ended up loving her little part in the play, and isn't at all reserved about participating this year.

My point is - we've learned to sit with her and help her feel safe. We also practice activities at home like being sure to read over her whole play script every week even if she only has two words to say. We've been practicing basketball several times each week so she feels confident. Our goal is not for her to be an amazing, famous athlete, but simply to feel comfortable in her body and to give her the repetition she needs to feel safe participating in these activities.

Personally, I would back off some and give her some time. Maybe increase time at home playing tag (running), get a big play ball (catching and kicking), and just generally having fun.

[Daffodil]

I have a cautious kid, too. I'm not sure it would be a good idea to put her in classes where all the other kids were better at the activity than she was. I think seeing that everyone else seemed more capable, and perhaps that the teacher's expectations were beyond what she felt capable of, might just convince her that she wasn't good at physical activities and didn't like them.

How about encouraging your daughter to try more physical stuff in low-pressure situations where she won't have to compare herself so much to other kids? Maybe take her to an open gym time at a gymnastics place and let her play around on the equipment, or get her skates, or a bike, or a scooter, or play around with a ball at home.

Also, I feel like it's probably more useful for my kids to learn skills they can have fun with on their own, for the rest of their lives, like skating, skiing, or horseback riding, than to have them take classes in things like gymnastics or dance that they're not likely to keep doing long-term unless they turn out to be really good. (And, honestly, I don't think it's very likely they would turn out be really good.)

[RainCoastMama]

Thank you mamas - these are some very good ideas.

[madskye]

What does she like? I always hated sports. I'm still kind of afraid of balls flying at me. I'm not very coordinated.

I wish that my parents had taken one on one time with me to coach me how to do things as simple as catching a ball. I might have been less self-conscious with just my family than with other kids. My husband is a very good teacher--he actually taught me to ice skate.

Also, I'm still not very coordinated with sports or dancing, but I'm a great singer and in high school I was a good actress, too. I'm a great writer and reader. I love to cook. Those are my skills!

[Ruthla]

I would never push a child past their comfort level regarding physical movement- at least not a healthy child- I can't say what I'd do with a special-needs child so I can't comment on that.

[ameliabedelia]

We signed her up for rec soccer. She LOVES it and asks to do it again, yet we did have to gently encourage her to "try" and put effort in. Before each game, we would talk about running as fast as she can and TRYING to kick the ball. We just always encouraged her to try her best. Otherwise, she is the type of child who as soon as she starts to feel a "little" tired would want to sit down and rest. She certainly isn't running to the point of exhaustion,however I do think learning to keep trying even if she is a "little" tired is a good thing. This is super laid-back rec soccer anyway,and they switch the kids out during games every 6-8 minutes, so its not as though they are worked hard.

Now, we just started ice skating. She WANTED to do it, and asked to do it, however she gets discouraged on the ice easily and is scared about falling down. In the moment, she wants to "quit" I did/do gently, push and encourage her to keep trying, becaues I KNOW as soon as she gets over the initial hump of learning, she will really enjoy ice skating (we do it with the homeschool group, so she has lots of friends who do it as well). It's not as though we are trying to get her to be an olympic figure skater, just have her learn to skate well enough that she can have fun out there with her friends. In order for her to learn that, we do have to "push" her a bit to get past her intial fear and timidity and keep trying.

We haven't starting on riding a bike w/o training wheels yet, but I know that is also something we might have to "push" her a bit on. Just to get over the initial hump of learning. Once she learns, I know she will have fun and enjoy it, however she is the type of child who needs help/encouragement to get over the initial learning time where it is 'hard".

So, I wouldn't push my child in an acitivity like gymnastics, however I would in just basic rec stuff like skating, bike riding, catching a ball, running, just because I think some children need more encouragement to get past the initial learning stage where the activity is "hard" before it becomes fun.

My child also DOES enjoy physical acitivities like soccer or skating, or bike riding. She is just a bit "timid" about keeping trying when the learning is hard.

[KBecks]

I do not think pushing children is a good idea. I think children should set their own pace and be given opportunities to advance on their own when they are ready. Dance is a great physical activity.

Encouragement is great, pushing is not. I'd focus on her strengths rather than her weaknesses and think that is a much more positive approach that is less likely to hurt her self esteem.

Best wishes!

[blessed]

My almost 4 yo doesn't do well with any organized physical activities. She just doesn't like to do anything on command and also has some fear of failure or embarrassment, I think. She would never have tolerated all those activities you listed.

But she's an absolute monkey on her own, and I have always encouraged that. She climbs, jumps, runs, tumbles, dances, balances like crazy playing around the house or outside. So for us it's more an issue of public shyness than physical fear. Don't know if that might be at work with your dd or not, as well.

[tsume]

I also don't think pushing is the best choice (different from gentle encouragement tough).

Dance is incredibly physical. They may not be running or climbing over everything but they learn a great deal of balance, flexibility, coordination, core strength. Don't rule out dance in favor of something 'more physical'.

Our older 2 (6DS and 4 DD) are in gymnastics. The gym is competitive but they also have classes for us regular folks. The coaches are wonderful with the littles and never push.

If you can find a good gym I would encourage you to check them out. Most will give you a free class to see if it is a good fit for your family.

[GuildJenn]

This is the first time I've ever heard dance not called physical enough

Physical activity is a lifelong thing. I wasn't hugely timid as a child but my mother was worried I would get hurt and wouldn't let me play any sports involving ice... or a ball... or... you get the idea. Sure, that decision meant I would not end up an Olympic athlete, maybe, but that hasn't stopped me from enjoying sports and activities one bit.

All of which is to say, I wouldn't worry so much about a window of opportunity closing. At 4 I would personally do two things.

One is that I'd expose her to just about everything I could, by watching, playing casually at the park and in the backyard, pointing out her friends' activities, etc., just in a really fun way. Maybe look for chances for her to sample things like a trial day or whatever.

And second when she is interested in something (like the dancing) I'd back her 100%.

The only exception I would make is swimming - I personally believe that one is big enough that I might continue classes even if my child weren't super interested.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think exploring and increasing physical skills and being in a structured class with other kids are two different things. For us, the structure and the socialization add additional stressors that work against having fun being physical. Maybe not so for your DD, but why not work on having lots of opportunities for physical play at home, where there is less pressure to perform and you can make it so fun she doesn't even notice she's learning? E.g. set up an obstacle course in the living room (climb over pile of pillows, across a balance beam, climb through a tunnel, etc); get a mini trampoline or a big springless one with safety nets and chase her on it; rocking horse; hippity hop; have her sit on one end of a towel or blanket and pull her around saying, "choo choo" (develops balance), roll her on her tummy over a big yoga ball; take her for a walk with roller skates on and one of you holding each hand, etc. Maybe if she learns the joy in being physical she will start to explore more movement on her own.

[Smokering]

If she's into ballet, that's great! In terms of long-term benefits--suppleness, posture, balance, coordination--I'd say it beats most sports all hollow. And if her concentration helps, so much the better.

I was physically timid/uninterested/hated sport at school, and I HATED being pushed, especially with swimming. Unbeknownst to all my jolly swimming coaches, I have a phobia which relates to water. They didn't realise I was having a panic attack every time I put my head under, or that I regarded the deep, dark, scary diving pool with utter horror (still do, actually).

On the other hand, I do wish my family had had a healthier attitude to sports. We were academics, and proud of it; and my sisters, who hated sports worse than I did, would have looked down of me if I'd been so plebeian as to join a soccer team. I wouldn't have liked soccer anyway, but I did enjoy gymnastics--I wish I'd been encouraged to continue that (we stopped when I went to school for a few years, it was a homeschooling gym group).

When I was taking care of D, who was a little timid, I found that my pushing him was counterproductive, but that he responded well to 'peer pushing'. If he was scared to go on a piece of playground equipment, but he saw his friends chasing each other up it, he'd soon join in.

[laohaire]

My DD is 2 years old and behind in terms of gross motor skills (late walker, etc.). While there is nothing (apparently) wrong with her, she simply cannot do the physcial things her peers do, running and jumping and flipping and hurling themselves everywhere. She is very careful.

As far as I've been able to observe, her issues have to do with muscle tone and coordination. But for other children, vision and balance might also be issues.

I myself was never a very physical person; I don't believe I had low tone like DD but I think I had vision problems from an early age (I am now legally blind and continuing to lose vision) and coordination issues. My mother made sure I had dance class, gymnastics, horse riding, whatever I want. I don't remember those being stressful. I enjoyed them.

School sports, on the other hand, were extremely stressful. I didn't have a choice about them (not that my parents forced me, but that it was a requirement for the school). I don't think I have gained a single thing from being "made" to play soccer, lacrosse or field hockey. In fact, I think it increased my anxiety and made me shy away from it all, and it definitely reduced my self-esteem in more ways than one.

I think the key is to help the child choose activities they feel confident and comfortable doing. For us who are not as physically adept, that would likely be noncompetitive and/or noncontact sports. (For me, I found eventually I could do the competition as long as it was not interactive - i.e. I am a poor runner but it did not stress me to run track like it stressed me to play basketball on a team. But it's not just the team, either, I also enjoyed rowing crew on a team, but I had no contact between me and my teammates; we all had our own oars to row).

I would also expect that the chosen activity will change over time; that's ok.

The goal should not be to make an uncoordinated child coordinated, or a weak child strong. It should be just to allow the child to get to know their phsycial capabilities in a way they are comfortable, to use their bodies and gain self-esteem.

[diaperqueen]

My almost 13 year old ds is cautious. Doesn't like to ride rides, waterslides, etc. We've let him try every sport he has shown an interest in, but he's not at all aggressive, which is required in many sports. I think he was playing sports because it was "the thing to do" at his age--not from our point of view, but other kids.

He has finally decided that playing sports isn't his thing. He LOVES to watch baseball and football, but just doesn't want to play. That's totally fine with us--he excels in other areas--musically for one. I just want him to have something that he's interested in and always striving to improve on.

I guess my point is...I don't think pushing a child is at all helpful. Just let her be the person that she is. Sure--encourage her to try new things, but accept it if she doesn't want to.

[VisionaryMom]

What would you do if it were an intellectual activity? If her reading skills were a bit behind, would you put her in an advanced class to push her? I think you have to treat physical activities in the same way.

FWIW, I was never a physically active child, and my adult life turned out just fine. : I do have some horrid memories of trying to be forced into doing physical activities - and social activities, a la human resources personnel - that just made me uncomfortable. I absolutely wouldn't push my child or put him/her into something I knew would be problematic.

[Terabith]

I might try to gently push her boundaries; I have "pushed" my child to try things that she didn't initially want to do. More like encouragement. If she really resisted, though, I backed off, but I do try to provide lots of opportunities for physical risks....regular trips to the park and indoor play spaces, trips to the pool, open gym experiences, jumping on the neighbor's trampoline, kids yoga dvd, silly exercises and such I make up at home. I did have some luck signing her up for gymnastics at The Little Gym, because it was so incredibly laid back and play based; nobody cared if the kids were "on task" or not, and it was done in such a noncompetitive and imaginative way. But a regular gymnastics class I wouldn't have pushed. As it was, I insisted on going to a trial class, and she loved it. I just try to offer lots of opportunities.

[Brigianna]

I was that child. I don't think I benefited at all from being pushed. It just made me resentful. I would respect your dc's boundaries.