AAAaarrrrrrrrrrgh

[flapjack]

DH realised this morning, at about 7.57am (three minutes before he had to leave the house) that I'm actually having a really hard time at the moment, a bit down, bit stressed and not controlling my temper or my emotions very well. Now, given that I called him a bad evil man yesterday in the middle of an argument (a big one) and that I've spent the best part of the last 3-4 months in floods of tears and generally feeling a bit stressy, this shouldn't be news, but for some reason it is.
I've survived depression (pre as well as postnatal) before which has been bad enough to get me hospitalised, and I don't actually think I'm depressed at the moment. I think I'm just burning out because, frankly, I've had a hell of a year and the end is not in sight yet. I can see the good stuff and appreciate it and still smile and laugh and feel happy, which is generally one of the first things to go when I'm on my way down. At the same time, I'm aware of the fact that I'm wound up like a clock waiting to troubleshoot the next crisis: DH's stresses with his uni course, Isaac and his isaacisms, dad's carers, the works: and it feels like I'm living on my nerves. I'm just worn out physically and emotionally, and I know that it's only got worse.
So WHY wouldn't he listen when I tried to tell him how bad it was getting a few months ago and ask for help then? Why wait? Why fob me off and hold me out and pretend that there wasn't a problem.

. Sorry, I'm just feeling really, really sorry for myself right now.

[Canita]

flapjack, I really feel for you as I'm in the same boat. After losing our first child, there are things I definitely do and do not want for this pregnancy and delivery and have come to discover that DH is NOT on board! I'm feeling stressed to the max as well. After a particularly ugly discussion last night, I think I'll compose a letter today to get it all out and go from there. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but I'll certainly keep you in my thoughts.

[Angierae]

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time! Our stress load right now is AWFUL and we've been trying so hard not to fight and I am an emotional wreck. DH is just starting to cut me a little pregnancy slack and take responsibility for his own stressers a little more. I am just trying to stay positive and believe that better things are on the way! Nothing is more destrutive than feeling hopeless, and whenever I feel the worst something happens to make my life easier!


(--psst: its ok not to feel happy. The pregnancy book cover of the joyful glowing 3rd trimester Mama is only a small part of the package. I believe society really ignores the deep and real sadness that pregnancy brings. We shouldn't overlook it. Like we tell our kids: ALL emotions have value.)

[bloominmamas]

I am so sorry you are so stressed! My dh is bad about making it all to be my fault. Just the other night I was just asking some valid questions in a friendly voice and he snapped at me and said I have been riding his a** for a month. That led into a fight. He didn't apologize until the next day and then in a round about way. We are both stressed out about money and he tends to take it out on me instead of looking to me for support. We'll all get through, we just have to maintain patience, easier said than done...

[flapjack]

Thanks, mamas. I just need someone to listen to me so badly right now. I feel so bloody isolated.

[mama_nym]

Feeling similarly here! Dh and I had a huge arguement yesterday and another this morning. I had severe morning sickness for 21 weeks and told him time after time I needed HELP (emotionally, physically, with the kids, with the house) and he did nothing. Morning sickness over, he did even less around here. I finally had it last night and I think it's sinking in just a little bit how stressed out I am with four kids, another on the way, homeschooling, running a non-profit, family obligations, etc. etc. etc....and him having wrecked his car on top of it all so now I'm stuck at home with the kids who REALLY need to get out of the house daily and that's just not happening! I'm hoping to see an improvement from him, but am afraid to count on it!

[nausicaamom]

- It's so hard when they don't have a clue. Be good to yourself and try to get some down-time when you can.

[Jezzy]

Big hugs to all you stressed out mama's! I feel for you!

[Dea]

Aww I'm sorry. I hope it gets better soon!

[perditafoster]

my doula always tells me to remember that husbands are at least one trimester behind the wives in terms of realizing that pregnancy is real! which has been so true for us...it wasn't until dd #2's 22 week ultrasound that it finally dawned on him that we were actually having a baby! he freaked out after the scan and acted like a big bear all day. finally, he confessed that he was just then accepting the fact that we were having a baby instead of me just telling him that we were. and this time around, he's just now starting to help me with heavy stuff around the house, cooking breakfast when the girls are clamoring for food instead of asking me what's wrong with them, and planning meals/balancing the budget. why the hell he couldn't do this stuff when i was nauseous for 24 weeks, i'll never know. he's just behind me by about three months. so when the baby is actually born, he'll be getting ready to enter the third trimester anguish, i guess!!!!!!

[Gunter]

wish we lived closer. we could hang.

[Mama2-4]

I am having the same troubles here. My DH is away every other week, and so I do EVERYTHING, but when he is home I sure would like even a tiny little break...but it is like having another kid to pick up after! Sometimes I really feel like I am just the maid and chef. I am really trying to work on our DD to get her to pitch in, but she is a lazy 11 year old, and I feel like the only time I talk to her is to nag her about helping me or getting her homework done. I wish they would open their eyes and do something once in awhile without me having to ask...it would make such a huge difference.

The other night they all left me with a table and sink full of dishes to do, I did them and then decided the kitchen floor really should be mopped....so I started moping and just for the heck of it began saying "oh, I think I am having contractions and going into labor"......nobody came:....I think at this point they expect me to deliver and return to what I was doing prior to labor!!!

[flapjack]

Well, we talked, and talked, and talked and talked and talked. I don't think he gets it: it's hard for him to hear that I'm unhappy without trying to fix it or blame something, bu I think we both know that I'm walking a tightrope with only 9 toes gripping right now, and that there's serious potential for me to go down as well as up. A lot of this is down to the insecurity that I've been feeling in our relationship (Alex is being Kevin-the-teenager, and Steve is responding quite aggressively to this, and I feel trapped in the middle. My worst nightmare is being put in a situation where I have to choose between them, and it feels like it happens daily.) and some of this is down to the fact that I'm not particularly liking myself atm. I mean, he's this bright (seriously bright) person doing so well on his uni course and me? I knit. Whoopsie do. I NEED a life.

[mama_nym]

Awww, Helen - you are doing VERY important work...you are raising some amazing kids. But I do know how you feel about needing a life and an outlet for your creativity/intelligence/etc. I was there a few years ago and have since co-founded a nonprofit for conscious living families in my state and gotten involved in other pursuits (unfortunately none of them pay anything!!!) that keep me from feeling like all I do is take care of kids (heck, I'm not even coordinated enough to knit : ).

Dh seriously doesn't get how different his life is from mine just because he goes to work! He gets 1.5 hours (or more) ALONE in his car - he gets to listen to whatever he wants to, as loud as he wants to and there's no fighting, whining, etc. He gets to sit down for a half hour and eat a hot meal and have adult conversation and not have to share his food, get up a zillion times to get someone a drink, to clean up a mess, etc. etc. etc. He gets to shower alone and go to the bathroom alone. He doesn't see that as anything special and doesn't realize how much it effects your life when you quite literally don't have two minutes to yourself all day. (I'm typing this as my two year old is climbing all over me! ).

And times like this I wonder why I'm having a fifth! :

[flapjack]

Yeah. I'm seriously looking at finishing my naturopathy training, but right now I can't do it. I can't even keep on top of housework, the NCT stuff, none of it. My life is just turning into a big big cesspool void type stuff.

Right now we're speculating on whether we should ask the boys if they want to live with their dad, it's getting that bad. Not that they have to- but to give them the choice. I just seem to be breaking everything I touch.