What would You Do?

[dubfam]

I really need some advice from other parents right now regarding a preschool situation.

My ds will be 5 in April and he started PreSchool in Sept after always being at home with Mom or Dad.
We put him in school because he is really social and I knew he would like seeing the other kids and playing. I am also at the very end of a pregnancy, so I don;t have a lot of energy for him like I normally do :

I really wanted to go Montessori or other alt. preschool but we found a school that was pretty mainstream but seemed okay...they mostly just have free play time, it is 3 days a wk, 3 hrs per day. They said that they were interested in teaching children through play and that there was no pressure on things like name writing. They said that when there are issues like hitting that there policy is to help the kids work the situation out with their words. GREAT!

Everything was good in Sept, but by Oct DS is complaining that they make him write his name all the time. What?:
He would tell them he didn't want to, but they would just keep pressuring him until he did it. I told him to just say "No Thanks" but even that didn't work.

Then one of the teachers tells me about 2 weeks ago that she wants to have a conference with us about DS and the way he is interacting with the other kids. Ds has never really had social issues so I was VERY surprised, to say the least.

Okay, so the conference is for later today.

Last Friday when I was dropping him off at school DS was asked to "Sign In" (I guess this is when they make him write his name.,..) and given a piece of paper that had a little tiny box on it...about half an inch high an d 3 inches wide, and the teacher says to me "We are trying to get Owen to be able to write his WHOLE name (first and last) in the box, instead of making his letters so big" and then she sat there and criticized the way that he was doing it!!!!!!!!:::
I was really scatter brained at the time (did I mention that I am pregnant??!!) and it didn't really sink in until later just how messed up that was.

Then I get a phone call from the school a couple hours later saying that I need to come pick him up BC he is hitting and pinching other kids! This is NOT like DS at ALL!!

So I rush to get there, it took me 40 minutes ( I was on public transportation) and when I get there DS has been made to sit in a room separated from the other kids for the whole time he was waiting for me. He was SOOOOO upset, and so was I. I couldn't seem to get the teacher to tell me what happened...she just started lecturing Owen about why it wasn't okay to hit etc...
So I still don;t know what happened, I talked to DS but couldn't get a straight story from him. But I did find out that they gave out cupcakes with Jello on top of them because it was someone's B-day, and that DS started having issues after the cupcakes. DS does not get much sugar at all and is very sensitive to it as well as to food dyes etc
What did the teachers think would happen after giving cupcakes to 15 kids at snack time INSTEAD of their snack??!!
Then poor Owen gets singled out and sent home after being set up for failure (IMO)

So DP and I are seriously considering pulling him out. I don't want him at a school where they are going to jack him up on sugar all the time.
I am really upset about the way he is being pressured to write his name, esp "Fitting it in the Box"...what the HELL??!! I have NEVER heard of such a thing. And I feel like maybe the Teachers could have handled things differently on Friday when he was having issues without having to send him home after a 45 minute time out. :

Are we over reacting?


(Wow! I just wrote a novel!!)

[Mrsboyko]

Is this the first time he has been in "school" I.E. day care or other mommies day out settings? Yes, it is an adjustment for him, but it can be a bigger adjustment for YOU. I have had DD in DC since she was 8a weeks old. I am the $ maker and insurance provider in our family, so we had to. Over time, there have been times when they have done things I don't think was appropriate. Nothing big, but big enough that it woke me at night a few times. Food is a big one. We do not do refined sugars at home. I make sure to bring in an assortment of "treats" that she can have when others have cupcakes or something. My DD is only 1 though, so she doesn't know the difference really, not yet at least.

What I am trying to say I guess is that you need to really look at the big picture. I would definitely call them out at the conference about the writing his name thing and explain about the sugar thing. Criticizing a 5 y/o's penmanship is not appropriate anytime IMO. But somethings you need to let go. He is going to be in a school system for a long time (unless you choose to HS him at some point) and there are going to be times when things go awry. Also, why has it taken 2 weeks to get in to speak to the teacher? That is odd. If this is the first time he has gotten wired on sugar I don't think they are giving it to him "all the time", but I would let them know (written letter) that he is not to have any sugar w/o your direct consent and give them a # to reach you. If it means telling a white lie and saying he has allergy issues, then I'd do it.

Sitting him out of the class for 45 mins, while not the best thing, is what i remember from my childhood. Ask them to justify the need to get him out of the room and why he wasn't allowed back in once he calmed down. Hope you get it worked out at the conference. Being scatter brained, try witting down your concerns before going in. During my pregnancy I had to write everything down (usually in a few places because I'd forget the paper)

[RedWine]

What a great mama you are. I know so many parents in real life who would just try to make their kid conform. Kudos.

I am biased, I'll admit. So my answer is, pull him and homeschool. Doesn't have to be forever, just for this year. Until you find a school you like (unless you decide you'll conitnue to homeschool).

The stories I hear around here are that the schools are just like that. The parents I know who send their kids to school just expect their kids to deal and conform. I truly applaud you for recognizing that your kid does not fit their mold (and shouldn't have to).

[MommaGreenBean]

I'd pull him out, but I'm biased too- we'll homeschool.

Is there a play group that you can join that just meets at a park? Where you can sit and watch, and not have to be doing activities, but meets his needs for being with other kids?

How about a gymnastics class or something similar where he can go, yet you're right there and can make sure they aren't having unrealistic expectations.

It sounds like your Preschool changed their mind on how they do things, maybe someone new is in charge?

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

OK, I have the opposite bias from some of the others. Both DS (now 8) and DD (4) have been in daycare/preschool since they were infants, and DS is now in private elementary school. And I think that preschool is generally a good thing for children who will go on to traditional school settings.

There are some things you can expect from a mainstream preschool that you are simply not going to be able to change. One of them is very un-healthy snacks for birthday parties. With 20 kids in DDs class, this happens a couple of times a month and is a normal part of preschool. I can see why your child would be impacted by it, but if this is a problem for you then you are probably in the wrong school. The same thing will happen in most elementary schools though, so if you really want to avoid it your options are going to be homeschool, alt. school, have your DS excluded from these snacks, or have him get used to it.

The name thing doesn't surprise me, other than the fact that you said they weren't emphasizing writing. In most Pre-K classrooms (4 and 5 YOs), they are working towards Kindergarten readiness. This includes recognizing and writing letters and numbers and definitely includes having a child be able to write their name. It sounds like they could give positive rather than negative feedback and find a better way to encourage him, but the goal of having him write his name in a set space is pretty common.

However, I would definitely circle back with the director and ask her to explain her saying they weren't emphasizing this when they clearly are. The director should definitely be honest about what their curriculum is so you (and other parents) can make an informed choice about schools.

For hitting and biting, as the parent of a frequent hitting victim, I will say that I want a physically out-of-control child moved away from my child. Not isolated away from all contact, and not beyond where they are in control, but the teachers have a duty to protect all of the children, regardless of why your child is acting out. But what you are describing sounds excessive unless your child was still lashing out when you got there. So yes, that one you should demand an explanation for and demand to know what the plan is should the situation repeat itself, assuming he continues to attend school.

Seems like you are describing a pretty common preschool setting, but that it doesn't meet your expectations because of things you were told when touring the school, and it may not meet your needs. You should probably evaluate things from that perspective.

[mistymama]

I know how you feel. DS was home with me, or with my Mom from birth. Last year we did Waldorf nursery, which was pretty darn close to being home with me .. he had an adjustment period, but they were sooo gentle, kind and I knew he was in good hands.

Well, he got bored in Waldorf and they didn't have a summer program, so we had to find something else. He's in a very mainstream, stricter than I'd like preschool. Oh my, the first few weeks were such an adjustment for ME because I'd get raving mad over things he'd tell me. But he was doing great and loving it, so I decided to give it a try and *try* to relax. We are not going to homeschool, he's going to public K next year and I think preschool really helps kids be ready for traditional K. Anyway, we stuck it out and I'm SOOOOO thankful we did. He's thriving, doing so well, the teachers love him to death, he loves them .. he's reading (something I didn't care about, but he's sooo proud of) and can't wait to go to school. He likes the structure and rules.

Sometimes I'll still cringe at something he tells me, and we talk about it. He fully understands that I don't agree with some of the rules at school, but they are the rules there and we respect them. It's actually opened up some really good conversations about how our family does things kinda different from most. But he's fitting in and doing so well on his own, and it's been a great experience for us.

I've learned that I've given him a wonderful, gentle start and he's fully able to handle traditional, strict school .. more than handle, thrive! It's been a good lesson for me about letting go a bit.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by dubfam

Last Friday when I was dropping him off at school DS was asked to "Sign In" (I guess this is when they make him write his name.,..) and given a piece of paper that had a little tiny box on it...about half an inch high an d 3 inches wide, and the teacher says to me "We are trying to get Owen to be able to write his WHOLE name (first and last) in the box, instead of making his letters so big" and then she sat there and criticized the way that he was doing it!!!!!!!!:::

I work with preschool children, mostly three year olds, but in general, children between the ages of almost three and five. Children that age don't have the fine motor skills to write in areas that small!!! For an almost five year old, he should be writing his letters somewhere between and inch and a half to two and a half inches tall. And even if she was asking him to do something he should do but coundl't (or even wouldn't), she has no right to be critisizing him for it! The teacher is nuts. :