talking to kids about death and addiction

[Linda in Arizona]

My kids are 3 and 5. My grandmother is dying from cancer caused by smoking 2 packs of cigs every day for 60 years. She tried to quit smoking several times, but she is an addict. We are getting ready to make a trip back to my home town and visit -- it may be the last time we see Gramma alive. We will be staying with my mom who hate cigs more than anything, having grown up with smoke in her fact and recently watching her father and favorite uncle die from cancers caused by smoking.

I don't know how to talk to my kids about this. This is the first person that they know who will die in their lifetimes. On one hand, I want to emphasize the cirlce of life/Gramma is 84/we all die eventually thing, but I know that they will get repeated messages that Gramma is dieing because she smoked. Even if she had never smoked, she would die eventually from something (she is after all, 84). I would like to work in a don't smoke message somewhere, but I don't want them to feel like it is Gramma's fault that she is dieing -- everybody dies.

I know I'm talking in circles here -- help.

[JessicaS]

maybe you could teach them as decendants of people who have died from cancer they may be more susceptable to it...

my grandmother died from cancer when she was 60 years old...while I don't like to think of it as "her fault" her death was an extreme loss to my family and continues to haunt us to this day....

so maybe teaching them how incredibly hard it is to kick an addiction once you ahve it is a good option....

but in our grandparents generation they didn't find out how detremental it was to their health until many of them had been smoking for 20 or 30 years...

[Els' 3 Ones]

I lost my mother to emphysema 1.5 yr ago. (lifelong cigs and longtime pot smoker) When we would visit her (which was rare for my children, long story) I just told them that grandma was sick. I would answer their questions and encourage them to ask. I didn't tell them, I let them ask. I also told them stories about my mom. Positive things. Help to take away some fear?
I wanted them to think positive things about mom while they had what little time left with her. My dd was 5-6 and ds was 3-4 (another ds 1-2 won't even know her.

When she died I did the same (let them ask) but I always carefully drew the line from her dying to smoking (they, of course, don't know about pot yet). I try to emphasize what a dangerous thing smoking is and that it will hurt your body to do it.

I'm sorry for your pain right now.

[Linda in Arizona]

Thank you for your thoughts. My grandmother had a very steep decline yesterday and it looks like she only has a few days to live. Until yesterday, we thought she had a few months. I was planning on traveling up for Easter, but instead I will be leaving in the morning. It is a 2 day drive and I hope I can get there and say good bye before she passes.

She has cancer of the esophagus and yesterday she could no longer swallow anything. My mother took her to the ER and she is currently in the hospital poked full of IVs and tubes and not at all happy about it. My mother and aunt contacted hospice and got the ball rolling, so my grandmother is going home in the morning and from then on will receive only pain relief. As she had already lost a great deal of weight and wasn't in great health to begin with, she will not last long receiving neither food nor liquid (she can't swallow anything, not even water, because the cancer has closed her throat). This has been a tough day for her has she made the informed decision to not insert a feeding tube.

My grandmother knows she is dieing and just wants to be at home and comfortable to do it. She doesn't want to be stuck full of needles to keep her alive a few days or weeks longer.

She is an amazing woman and is still cracking jokes. I hope that some day I will be able to look death in the face and still have a sense of humor.

[JessicaS]

I am so sorry....