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Imperfect Parents - Page 3

post #41 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
IIsnapped, I said get off of me! and pushed her off my lap.
She fell from my lap to the ground and her eye hit a block.
The corner of the block cut her eyelid.
: at myself.
I still hate myself about that.
That is the worst thing I've ever done and now you all know how absolutely horrible I am.

You had a bad moment.

I've spanked my kids : in moments of frustration. Both of them. 2-3 each. Even though I swore I would never ever do it. My impulse control needs work and those old instincts die hard. I feel very very guilty about that.

I've yelled at my kids. I have told them to get away from me.

I've pushed them off me.

I've plopped them in their beds none too gently.

I do apologize. I do work toward being better. But I also fail regularly. I figure it's my way of showing my kids how to be human and how to make a decent apology.
post #42 of 64
We do alot of good things, co-sleep, CD, no circ/vax and BF... but tonight I wanted to quit.


When 8:00 came tonight and my DH was still not home, It seemed to me that I was "off duty" and let DS cry in the exersaucer for 5 -10 mins (most of it complain cry - not fire alarm cry) before leaving what I was doing to go get him.

Then, after trying to nurse him, rock him and squash him to sleep, (while he fussed and whinned) I let him cry in the crib while I sat there and watched blankly, occassionaly getting up to stroke his sleep spot and lay him back down...

I mostly wanted to see if learning the alternative to being rocked and nursed to sleep would make him appreciate it more when I freed him and sooked him. It did briefly, then I had to go to my old standby of watching TV with him in my arms until he is asleep. This is going to get old REALLY fast people - I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.

So there was my imperfect night - oh yeah - and I HATED being pregnant so much that I have considered stopping at one child.
post #43 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat_shoshin View Post
We do alot of good things, co-sleep, CD, no circ/vax and BF... but tonight I wanted to quit.


When 8:00 came tonight and my DH was still not home, It seemed to me that I was "off duty" and let DS cry in the exersaucer for 5 -10 mins (most of it complain cry - not fire alarm cry) before leaving what I was doing to go get him.

Then, after trying to nurse him, rock him and squash him to sleep, (while he fussed and whinned) I let him cry in the crib while I sat there and watched blankly, occassionaly getting up to stroke his sleep spot and lay him back down...

I mostly wanted to see if learning the alternative to being rocked and nursed to sleep would make him appreciate it more when I freed him and sooked him. It did briefly, then I had to go to my old standby of watching TV with him in my arms until he is asleep. This is going to get old REALLY fast people - I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.

So there was my imperfect night - oh yeah - and I HATED being pregnant so much that I have considered stopping at one child.
Nothing wrong here! Sometimes that happens. Not even the "perfect mom" can stop or prevent all crying. It happens.

And no one said you have to like being pregnant!

And nothing wrong with "onlies" either!
post #44 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat_shoshin View Post
I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.
So there was my imperfect night - oh yeah - and I HATED being pregnant so much that I have considered stopping at one child.
You know, since dd#1 was born (and all the way until she was almost 2 yrs old) she has been determined to CRY A LOT. She's still a whiner and crier. But when I came on this board I wanted to HANG MYSELF because I thought I was doing something wrong - why couldn't I make her stop crying? I slung her TONS, co-sleep, she got breastmilk, organic foods, plenty of attention, stimulation, etc. etc. etc. I used to let her cry in arms because it was The Right Thing To Do but sometimes I'd feel so frustrated and angry that I wanted to jump out the window!!! Nothing seemed to help!!!

Until I could finally distance myself a little bit and say, "Hey, being a good mother is not about never having your child cry," and it's okay to put her down a bit esp. when I feel rage (hahahaha - okay no, this is serious), and I have needs too, and so do others in the family, etc etc etc I started to regain some sanity. When I no longer let my life be ruled by trying to make her stop crying and stopped judging myself as imperfect because she's a kid who cries a lot, I felt much better. So , I can relate. I think it's perfectly fine to take a break when you see that no matter what you are doing nothing helps, and you're at the end of your rope.
post #45 of 64
Thread Starter 
"Until I could finally distance myself a little bit and say, "Hey, being a good mother is not about never having your child cry," and it's okay to put her down a bit esp. when I feel rage (hahahaha - okay no, this is serious), and I have needs too, and so do others in the family, etc etc etc I started to regain some sanity. When I no longer let my life be ruled by trying to make her stop crying and stopped judging myself as imperfect because she's a kid who cries a lot, I felt much better. "


I think part of being a good parent is showing your child that it is okay to take time for you sometimes as well. As a roll model, I think you show that it is okay to value yourself too. I tend to be a people pleaser, it's how I was raised but as I have gotten older I realise that never taking time for yourself tends to affect your self-esteem.
post #46 of 64
I have been feeling this guilt today, too! I think probably because I hosted Thanksgiving this year and spent all day in the kitchen while dd careened around like a billiard ball. I really did not connect with her as much as usual today.

I also did something REALLY STUPID that is totally just my childhood programming rearing its ugly head, and which tends to happen in the presence of my mom and dad or other family members...I told dd it was "not polite" to tell my cousin she didn't want to sit by him. He said, "come sit by me" and she said "no" and I said "that's not polite!" - I have NO idea why I said that. Of course she didn't want to sit by him, she barely knows the guy. I so do not want to raise dd like I was raised, where being "polite" was much much more important than my own boundaries or comfort level.

I mean jeez do I want to raise her to think it's "not polite" to refuse an invitation to sit next to a strange guy?!?

I talked w/ dh about this and he thinks I'm just tired and making a mountain out of a molehill, but when I hear myself say STUPID stuff that is directly contrary to how I parent, I just want to kick myself. Hard. In the head.

But on the bright side, of course I didn't (and would never) *make* my dd sit with my cousin. And perhaps this is a wake-up call that I need to be more aware of when I channel my mother and her emphasis on politeness at all costs.

I have two other things (besides the politeness/channeling my mom issue) that give me GREAT guilt pangs all the time: a) bickering with dh or being too critical/snarky with him, in front of dd - what a great model of adult relationships I'm showing her, huh? and b) lazy parenting...I'm usually quite engaged but I have many, many days where I just zone out and she plays by herself a LOT or : watches TV and DVDs far more than in my rational mind I think she should.

Oh the TV guilt I have. And yet somehow I can't chuck the thing out the window.

But with all that, I think I am generally a pretty good mom; I have my good days and my bad days. On my good days I pretty much rock. On my bad days I'm still not anywhere near the kind of bad days my own parents had...so I am improving, hopefully breaking the cycle.
post #47 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellejar View Post
I admit it. I am not a perfect parent. I try. Sometimes my decisions are not perfect. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I yell. I don't like it, but it happens.

I know I shouldn't. I am not 100% AP. I don't want my children co-sleeping, it is just what has worked for us. I weaned my 26 month old instead of CLW and tandem nursing with our next child.

Being surrounded by all the perfect Gentle Discipline/AP parents here online is killing my self-esteem. I just want to see if anyone out there is imperfect like me.
If it's any consolation, I'm always struggling as a parent. I try to live consensually, but it is a constant battle to be 100% aware.

I used to beat myself up constantly when I came to MDC, because I'd not done this, or I'd not done that when my son was a baby. But I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it and strive for something better.

It's probably best to not demand so much of ourselves and feel that we have to tick boxes in the AP checklist, because each individual family is different and what might work for some, will not work for others. It's about being the best you can, with the knowledge that you have and creating an environment that suit the needs of everyone.


Peace
post #48 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat_shoshin View Post
I mostly wanted to see if learning the alternative to being rocked and nursed to sleep would make him appreciate it more when I freed him and sooked him. It did briefly, then I had to go to my old standby of watching TV with him in my arms until he is asleep. This is going to get old REALLY fast people - I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.
You know, when my daughter was younger (and still now on occasion), sometimes she just wanted a silent witness to her misery. If I rocked her, she cried. If I tried to cradle her, she would fight and scream. Tried to get her to nurse, she cried. Tried to sing or otherwise coo her to sleep, she cried. Tried to wear her on my back, she'd try to lean back and out of the carrier. Tried to sleep with her in our bed, she'd flail around, head butt me, and cry. Put her down in the crib to walk away for a moment of sanity? She'd SCREAM hysterically. So, after I recomposed myself, I would just sit in the rocker with her on my lap on a Boppy, and rock silently while she cried until she would calm down on her own and fall asleep. :

SO emotionally draining. But SO her personality. It used to happen 3, 4 nights a week. : Now it happens a couple times a month, but I know the drill so I don't try to "help" anymore - I'm just there, present for her the way she needs me to be, and that's the fastest, most humane way to get her to sleep, to let her get it all out and cry on my lap. I NEVER in a million years thought that I would be okay with it, but anything else I've tried when she's in that particular place only makes things worse.


re: perfection and GD parenting, I think it's also important to remember that posters here offer what they think would be the best response in any given situation, the response they'd like to think they would give...not necessarily the response they *would* give in a similarly stressful situation. Sometimes the responses I give are the ones I give myself in similar situations. Sometimes I don't follow my own advice. SO I regroup, apologize, and start over again. I enojy reading about the ideal responses, because it helps me plan for next time for myself. I don't feel badly about fallign short of my ideals, I just keep them as ideals to strive for and work towards, not a bar to measure my own worth as a parent. I know that even on my worst days, my kids are being parented more gently than many children so I try to not sweat the times that I fall short of my ideals. The fact that I am always trying to be gentle, always striving to be respectful is, to me, a very important part.

AND...perfection is highly overrated. I have n odesire to be perfect, and never want my kids to think I expect them to be perfect. It's the imperfections that make us interesting, and *human*.
post #49 of 64
I just wanted to say that the day after my night from hell - a low point in my parenting, my child just... went... to... sleep. And stayed there.

It was so weird. I feel like I do the same things everyday and alot of it is just him - but maybe he and I both needed that crappy night to get to last nights "best night of sleep yet in his life". He is sleeping, without a struggle, right now.
post #50 of 64
Thank god for this thread!

I am so far from perfect!!!!

I use disposables, let her watch TV, get mad, etc. etc.

And Horror of all Horrors, I even let her eat at McDonald's once!

Not to mention the time she FELL DOWN THE STAIRS! Baby's first CT Scan!

I thought I would be a much, much better mother. I just keep trucking away at it, trying to do the best that I can.

I definitely have to take breaks from MDC. I try to only come for specific information and not just to waste time. Unfortunately there are some people (on every board) who just have a knack for making people feel bad. I try to remind myself that some people may pass themselves off as perfect and enjoy being condescending, but they just don't talk about all their problems. But they've got 'em. No doubt about that.
post #51 of 64
You ladies give me hope. With my first on the way, I keep thinking, "there's no way I could ____ like everyone on MDC."

I need to remind myself that everyone's not really everyone.
post #52 of 64
I love this thread! I agree with the OP that sometimes it just kills my self esteem to come to MDC. Here's my laundry list of 'imperfections':

1. I work outside of the home. My son goes to daycare. And he LOVES it there. And I LOVE my job.

2. We eat at McDonald's (and Taco Bell and Jimmy John's and Panera and Moe's and Fazoli's......).

3. We have some character toys- mostly Thomas the Tank Engine, but some (gasp) Disney (gasp).

4. We watch a Thomas DVD almost every day.

5. I have yelled at DS more than once.

We do co-sleep, I cloth diapered for two solid years, I pumped for ONE ENTIRE YEAR due to breastfeeding getting off to a bad start (I still have wrist pain, no joke), we selectively vax, I buy mostly organic groceries, I try to maintain a green home, I try SO hard to GD, etc.

I have to add that I have learned SO MUCH from the mammas here at MDC and I am forever grateful to my friend Stacy for turning me on to it. I'm working hard to be the best parent that I can and I think that overall I'm doing a fabulous job!
post #53 of 64
I am not perfect. I don't even strive for it. Really, can you imagine how screwed up your kids would be if you were perfect? Those are some really big shoes to fill! How could they ever live up to the self-imposed expectations of having a perfect parent. The therapy bills!!! So, I think I'm a pretty good mom by regularly messing up and making lots and lots of mistakes.
post #54 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynthfair View Post
Unfortunately there are some people (on every board) who just have a knack for making people feel bad. I try to remind myself that some people may pass themselves off as perfect and enjoy being condescending, but they just don't talk about all their problems. But they've got 'em. No doubt about that.
The interesting thing is that the extreme voices are not helpful, to me at least. My life (and I'm sure that of many others on here) requires a more nuanced reading of a situation, one size does NOT fit all. And as a person who suffered from PPD and rage issues, the suggestions that actively helped get me (and my whole family) to feel better were a mixture of GD and more mainstreamish stuff.......plus a healthy blob of AP. When I read about these poor mothers on here who are suffering so badly with the AP/GD style and it is clearly not working for their family right now, to hear "TOO BAD. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE." ....this bothers me. Rant finished now.
post #55 of 64
Honestly, 89% of the time I don't know why I am addicted to MDC. : My kids can eat their halloween candy, watch TV, play with plastic, eat meat, drink soda at paties, (I love Diet Coke, fi. Although I try to self regulate. lol) play Gameboy, go to school (we're half and haf for school VS hs) and go to bed whenever they want to. They also have chores & play Pokemon.

I think I hang on because I've been a Mothering reader for over 20 years and can't figure out how to replace it.
post #56 of 64
Nobody is a perfect parent. All we can do it try our best and learn from mistakes. I lose my temper from time to time and yell at my oldest DS, at times I neglet him a little(he's 10) and pay more attention to my 1 year old. I have tremendous guilt over this since he was an only child for nearly 9 years. I'm working on that and I think I'm a good parent because I know the things I need to work on and try hard to better myself. Nobody is perfect. Seems to me, from experience that most people that act like they are perfect are the ones that are FAR from it. :
post #57 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
The interesting thing is that the extreme voices are not helpful, to me at least.
Isn't it interesting that judgment and shaming are as ineffective with adults as with kids?!
post #58 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by sdm1024 View Post
There are NO perfect parents.
:
post #59 of 64
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynthfair View Post
Isn't it interesting that judgment and shaming are as ineffective with adults as with kids?!
THis is just so true. Adults are stubborn and defensive like my two year old
post #60 of 64
I'm not perfect but I'm much better than I would be without MDC!
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