SO: Midwives, Birth trauma and Conclusion for the parents... - Page 2

[mothercat]

pigpokey,

Here are my best guesses on the tangenital comments about things that seem inconsequential.

These may be minor problems along the lines of "you can't please everyone". And I have seen a few of those. However, it may also be the case that the midwife is not being told all the truth about how the woman feels.

It could be a trial balloon by the woman to gauge the midwife's response. If she reacts badly to some really minor stuff or the woman suspects that the midwife doesn't/can't realize what she did, then the client may decide it isn't safe enough to get into the bigger issues.

Or, it could be that the woman hasn't processed the birth fully yet and just has some vague discomfort. She sees the obvious stuff, but hasn't realized that the emotional stuff is what is causing the real problem. It is pretty common for the full extent of PTSD not to be noticeable until 6-7 months after the event.

Or, it may be that the midwife isn't picking up on something that the woman is dropping hints about. So, the only thing the midwife is hearing is the minor stuff and she has a hard time figuring out why that is a problem.

bionicsquirrel,

I'm glad that you are finding some ways to deal with this. I think someone else asked if you could post a bit more about what you found that was helpful.I know you posted some stuff, but could I ask you to be a bit more specific.
Also a word of caution about being the midwife you didn't have. Just remember that it is very easy to become the "rescuer" when you have been through something like you have. When it looks and feels like you are working harder to accomplish something than your client is, it may be that you are very close to that line.

[wumanh]

I like that guideline- that if you are working harder to accomplish something than your client is- that's a tip off that something is out of whack.
Looking at: what does your client really want? Am I putting something on her rather than really seeing her and her needs? Am I trying to heal something for myself through her?

[wumanh]

It sounds like your midwife might be willing to listen to you, especially after she contacted you after hearing you were not happy about your birth. I don't think you can expect her to know how you were feeling months later when the last contact you had you presented as doing ok.
I think What Babies Want is a powerful film too.

[BirthFree]

Originally Posted by wumanh

Everyone is different with expectations and what they see is good care and it is sometimes hard as a provider to find the balance for each woman. We can't read minds and it is helpful for clients to tell us what they need (if they know!) One client said I didn't give her enough technical explanations and I said if I had known you wanted that I would have.
It's a two-way relationship

I have a different spin.
A mom is doing this for what is probably her first? second? third? time (and mybe first with a MW) and the midwife does this as her job... what I think is a better fit than to ask a Mom who may not KNOW the options is for the midwife to say, "I do things _____ (this) _____ way - however I do not object to doing them a different way - if you want to look through my list of generally what I do for care and tell me if there is something you may think now that you will want differently I will take note and do accordingly".

All midwives have "a way" that they do things - be it hands on or hands off, etc. But how is a client supposed to know what their standard is for cutting the cord, or for newborn 'exams', fetal monitoring in labor, etc.? It is rarely something you go through in an interview in enough extent to know all bases.

My MWs asked me the first two times if I had something I wanted them to (or not) to do but I didn't have enough experience to know what I was picking from! Now there would be no question, but I'm on baby #4 and most people don't have that many wee ones.

How do people know to say, "If you get really tired of me being in a long labor and you loose hope that I'm going to progress, will you please pass my care off to your back up midwife instead of transfering me to the hospital b/c YOU are done"? Or "Please don't tell me you can be my doula when it's obvious you can't - if you have personal issues with the local doulas, please resolve them or don't influence your clients to not hire one when they need to".

I'm not shy now, but it took me years and it also took me years to stop being angry and influenced by what took place long ago. I STILL have some phrases that come into my head and scare me when I'm in labor from what my MW said - it's frustrating that after removing her presence from my labors she is STILL there. :

But enough rambling for today... it just sometimes seems like a no-win situation and I dislike that.

[bionicsquirrel]

wumanh
I know what you mean, she is reaching out to me. However, I think it is more about the fact that news spreads and others know about my birth and her role in it, not that she can or cares to make me feel better. Personally, I think the damage is done. That is my bitter side coming out, of course.

All midwives have "a way" that they do things - be it hands on or hands off, etc. But how is a client supposed to know what their standard is for cutting the cord, or for newborn 'exams', fetal monitoring in labor, etc.? It is rarely something you go through in an interview in enough extent to know all bases.

This is how I feel. Had I known the consequences, I would have chosen a different midwife, a different plan etc. Believe me, there were things that came up during my pregnancy that were absolute tip offs, but I thought she was my friend as well as my midwife, she had that way with people. I also think that I wanted to be mothered and chose her because she seemed nurturing, but firm. I made mistakes, but that is hindsight. I didn't know the right questions to ask, though I asked a ton of questions, and she didn't offer up the information if it wasn't requested. At 42 weeks, it was too late.

[BirthFree]

Originally Posted by bionicsquirrel

Had I known the consequences, I would have chosen a different midwife, a different plan etc.

I didn't know the right questions to ask, though I asked a ton of questions, and she didn't offer up the information if it wasn't requested.

YES, very much yes. I could not agree more - and it's not ignorance that gets you into those situations all the time either - you ask the questions you're "supposed to" ask and then some - but you can't possibly cover protocols they follow and "what if I develop pre-eclampsia, what would your plan of action be?" is a great question - but I never thought to ask prior.