Need help with the husband!!

[StrawHatBrat]

I'm feeling very frustrated. I am so set on a homebirth.. and I now have a homebirth midwife who I really love. My husband is in afghanistan and everytime I bring up the subject of homebirth he tells me it's out of the question.

He is not worried about my ability to birth this baby. He is also not worried about the baby herself.

He wants me in the hospital AFTER the birthing just in case something goes wrong. He wants me there for a day. He thinks that I may start hemmorhaging and die. Or who knows what else he is thinking.

I'm really distraught over this. I need him to be supportive. I do NOT want to go into the hospital to have this baby. He was OK with a freestanding birthing center... but what he doesn't know is that the birthing center is further from the hospital than our home is. Plus, you don't stay long there either. I'm afraid to even tell him that because I'm afraid he'll really get scared and insist on the hospital.

I'm not one to roll over to my husbands will.... really, I'm not. But if he really feels strongly and he's really genuinely terrified of homebirth I don't want to force him into it either. I don't need to hear "You're the one giving birth.. it's your choice", either. As much as I KNOW that, I also want my husband to feel safe and comfortable with our choice as well. He's my support and I need him strong too.

I need arguements. I need something about maternal safety.. and all I am seeming to find are statistics having to do with the baby's safety, not the mother's.

I've tried giving him the safety stats I have found on low risk moms/births... and it's just so hard to get through to him when we have only 15 minutes a day on the phone... AND I don't want to argue stats vs his worries for those 15. He'll be home pretty soon and I want my info here to show him. I'm also bringing him to the midwife's appointments.


Any help you can give is much appreciated!!

[danotoyou2]

In many hospitals, they send the mother home after about 4 hours of the birth. Why? Because by that time, they know whether or not there's a problem with hemmorhaging. Other hospitals keep women overnight for "observation," but most hospitals are very flexible on this.

A midwife will not leave your house until she knows that you're out of danger.

Also, some women choose to birth at home, but go to the hospital (or doctor's clinic) afterwards for mama and baby to be checked out. Maybe that could be a happy compromise for you both?

[StrawHatBrat]

That's a good point. My midwife stays for 4 hours after the birth. I'll definitely use that one too. Thanks!

[flapjack]

Failing that, you can look for a post-partum doula. www.homebirth.org.uk has all the statistics and studies on safety of childbirth (internationally, I mean), and no, home is not just safer for baby, it's actually safer for mum too.
Some things you could look at working out with your midwife, like follow-up postpartum care, or a home visit from your GP. I have to admit, I get totally freaked out by the way that the US seem to have very little post-natal care, so I can kind of see where he's coming from. Really, you need someone to confirm your/his belief that you are healing normally in those first few difficult days postpartum and reassure you that this is normal and that babies are meant to snuffle and have spots and maybe a touch of jaundice, right? It should be possible to find a practitioner who will do that.

[Mommy2Austin]

Just out of curiosity is DH going to be back when baby is born? If he's not you could birth like you want!

If you are like me though you still wouldn't wanna do that without him being consenting so just try showing him all of the info you can on HB v.s. Hosp. birth and maybe he'll come around. My DH took a bit of convincing and me not harping on him (cause I was really bad about it to get him to understand and now we're having a homebirth in Feb

[SublimeBirthGirl]

It's your decision, in the end. Postpartum hemmorhage is more common in hospitals thanks to all the third stage interventions involved with hospital birth. Check out the BMJ study from 2005 on home v. hospital. It addresses both infant mortality (lower at home), and maternal mortality (equal and very low both places).

[MrsAprilMay]

I think it will really help to have your husband meet your midwife. You already said that you'll take him to an appointment with you. Give him an opportunity to question her about safety and procedures. That was the only thing that convinced my husband.

[southernmommie]

Originally Posted by danotoyou2

In many hospitals, they send the mother home after about 4 hours of the birth.

Not in military hospitals. They require much longer. At least the minimum 24 hours if you have had a noncomplicated labor and delivery with your first and this is your 2nd or after baby. Otherwise, for first timers it's min. 48 hours. Now this is for vaginal deliveries. C-sections are 2 or 3 days. I'm not sure which.

[railyuh]

How many postnatal appts does your midwife do? I know mine comes back the next day and several times over the first 2 weeks, then at 4 weeks, then at 6. At a hospital with an OB, once you leave the hospital you don't get checked out again until 6 weeks typically.

[StrawHatBrat]

Thanks for all of the info.

He's not in the military anymore, so we won't be going to a military hospital. This is our 4th baby, so I doubt they'd keep me long at a civilian hospital.

Our midwife satys around for 4 hours after birth, checks me out the next day and then a couple more times after that to 6 weeks. She also does the newborn visits.

My husband went through nursing school before his military career, so he's no dummy either. He's very well capable of watching over me as well. Probably even more so because he'll probably hover!!

[erin_brycesmom]

Not in military hospitals. They require much longer. At least the minimum 24 hours if you have had a noncomplicated labor and delivery with your first and this is your 2nd or after baby. Otherwise, for first timers it's min. 48 hours. Now this is for vaginal deliveries. C-sections are 2 or 3 days. I'm not sure which.

It must vary by military hospital. I had my first at a military hospital and they allowed me to discharge less than 24 hours after the birth.

[Beeblebrox]

Not sure if this was mentioned, but many, MANY midwives come prepared for emergency situations. If after birth you're bleeding more than normal, many have medicines for that. So it's not as if you're completely on your own, ya know?

[Danielle13]

Originally Posted by MrsAprilMay

I think it will really help to have your husband meet your midwife. You already said that you'll take him to an appointment with you. Give him an opportunity to question her about safety and procedures. That was the only thing that convinced my husband.

same here. dh origionally said no way but my mw totally convinced him...b/c really it is the most logical thing

[StrawHatBrat]

I had an appt today and asked her about that. She carries emergency supplies.
Also, she lives VERY close to me, like a half a mile. which should really reassure him. I think she'll be able to convince him!! She's just so great!