Bad PT conference - teacher thinks son is unhappy at school

[wildmonkeys]

Cross posted in Childhood Years
So my ds1 is in 2nd grade and has seemed to enjoy school thus far. He is doing well with the basic skills and is pulled out for enrichment several times a week which seems to keep him interested and working on a variety of things - he also likes the specials (art, music, gym, etc.)

He made some great friends in kinder and several of them were in his first grade class - his current class has few kids that he knows from previous years. He seems fond of a couple of kids in his class, but nothing he talks about much. When I ask him about friends at school he talks about seeing his buddies at recess, in specials, at lunch and he knows and gets along with bunches of neighbor kids so I hadn't given his actual class much thought. Well, today at his parent teacher conference, the teacher hinted he seems a bit lonely during class time. She said he works well with others when assigned to a group, but there isn't anybody who he seems very connected with : I feel so sad and pretty stupid that I hadn't really noticed.

Not sure what to do now. Thoughts, suggestions, experiences?

[gcgirl]

I don't know that this is necessarily a problem. I didn't have any close friends in the first grade, but I got along with everybody. And boys, well, they aren't so inclined to buddy up like girls are, right? Does your son seem to be suffering? If not, I wouldn't worry over it.

[Momily]

My son is definitely happier at school when he has friends there. This year all of his close friends were assigned to the other 3rd grade class. I made a point of talking to the teacher and getting the names of some kids to work on connecting him with. I've invited those kids over a couple of times and I "talk them up" when he's at home saying things like "Johnny's mother mentioned that he likes drawing pokemon too, I wonder if you guys would like to do that in aftercare", his teacher also helps out by trying to pair them up for group work.

It seems to be working (I did the same thing when he was in 1st grade and new to the school and it definitely worked then).

[dancingmama]

Playdates!

[LiamnEmma]

I've come to believe that this may be common in second grade. Last year my ds was so convinced that he had no friends at school in the initial months. Turned about about half his class felt the same way and they had all essentially known one another since kindergarten. It took them awhile to really mesh, but several of the mothers reported similar complaints from their second grade children as well. Colleagues also reported similar complaints from their second grade children--in different schools, different districts, etc., which is what made me think that maybe this is age- or grade-related. I think getting the names of students and starting to talk them up a little may help. But my ds mostly went to the library during recesses last year. This year he's out on the playground playing and whooping it up.

[mommy68]

And why is she so concerned about his social life? She's his teacher and it's her job to educate him. My boys are both very shy and hard to engage in things with other children. They've learned over the years to get better at it and are great now that they are older. But in 2nd grade? What is she so worried about? It sounds like a personal problem of her own. She probably just prefers social children. A lot of adults find something wrong with a child that isn't extra social. Who cares. Let him be himself. Her only concern should be his academics and behavior in school.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by mommy68

And why is she so concerned about his social life? She's his teacher and it's her job to educate him. My boys are both very shy and hard to engage in things with other children. They've learned over the years to get better at it and are great now that they are older. But in 2nd grade? What is she so worried about? It sounds like a personal problem of her own. She probably just prefers social children. A lot of adults find something wrong with a child that isn't extra social. Who cares. Let him be himself. Her only concern should be his academics and behavior in school.

Well, I think elementary teachers are also trained to look for social and developmental issues so noticing if he has friends or not (an indicator of social skills) is part of her job. Some children who have social issues may have something else going on like Asperger's and a teacher should notice that.

But I don't think that is going on here. He sounds fine. The bottom line is that sometimes we all end up in groups where we don't have friends and don't necessarily make new ones. Or maybe we make transient friends that we don't keep up with after the class ends. (Does anyone remember this from college? You'd see someone all the time for a semester and then basically never again.)

I wouldn't worry about your son. He has friends in other classes, in the neighborhood, in his specials, etc. He works well with the kids in his class, just doesn't choose for them to be his friends. No big deal.