So are you limiting visitors?

[mommy2abigail]

With dd, we had people (namely dh's parents and grandmother) visiting in the hospital, at home ,ect. They tend to be intrusive, albeit, nice. I mentioned to dh I would like 2 weeks of total rest, no visitors, and he was so insulted. My mom lives with us, so she'd be able to see the baby, of course, but I was going to ask my dad and sister to wait. He doesn't get it at all, that I just want it to be us for a while. He thinks his parents would be here to help, although I know that isn't the case. Which is fine, I'm all about visitors...in a few weeks. I'm trying to find that article about resting after birth, you know, just laying in bed for a week and not leaving the house, but can't find it. So, how many of you are limiting visitors? Am I totally selfish for wanting to do this? Is it not nice?

[Dea]

I agree with you. I don't want visitors at all, but DH doesn't really see it my way. Although we live a whole country away from our families I know his mother will be camped out on our front step ready to swoop in, and it makes me so angry! She just doesn't understand that her son is a grown man and she NEEDS to know that she has to have boundaries now.
Also they (his mom and dad) are going on a month long trip to Africa for all of March and they will want to see the baby before they leave. My answer is that they planned on that trip and the baby will still be here when they get back, so if they're so desperate to see the baby, they will have to wait until I say it's okay, or cancel their trip.
I just want my space after the baby is born. I don't want her telling me how to do this that or the other with my baby. I don't want to struggle with breastfeeding in front of her or my FIL. I don't want to have to be on edge with a new baby, and unfortunately that's how I feel around them.
So no, I totally don't think you're being selfish!
I think visitors for 20 minutes is fine, but more than that is too much, and only after the first 1 or 2 weeks!

[Nature]

I get antsy about other people holding my new babies.. but I'm in the opposite situation really. I never get visitors. It would be nice if *someone* came to see me and the baby. Oh well.

[smokeylo]

Most of my family lives at least 5 hours away, so that helps. My sis is probably going to be there pretty soon after the birth, and that's fine with me. It's my MIL that I'm worried about. I really don't want to have to entertain her within weeks of the birth. I'm thinking about asking my parents/in-laws to plan to come in late March or April when I'll be back in classes and teaching to help out then. If people were just swooping in for an afternoon it would be ok, but these are people who would be visiting for a few days, which I am really not up for (except my sis who will be great to have). I think a "babymoon" is a really great idea!

[ellymay]

I don't ever mind visitors but I don't have an intrusive family at all they stay a few min then leave just long enough to see the baby and get a pic or 2 and that is it, it is pretty much just dh and I for the first couple weeks w/ the acception of a visitor here and there for a few minutes, now if his or my family was wanting to hold the baby nonstop or butting in to how I do things I wouldn't want visitors either.

[nolonger]

I couldn't be more with you. I do NOT want visitors! I had a housrful with dd1 and they simply would not go away and leave me alone! When I finally broke down and tried to throw them all out, my "second mother" told my then-boyfriend not to leave me alone for a second since I "might hurt the baby because she's acting so irrationally".

This was the same woman who threw a blanket over me every time dd1 tried to nurse.

:

I'm wanting to keep it to nobody but immediate family, but I'm already getting the impression that ds's girlfriend just doesn't get it about AP and not wanting other people to hold the baby, so I'm going to have to be VERY tactful, since dd's boyfriend is definitely someone I want around (and even if I didn't, he lives here) and I need to be as fair as I can with the big kids.

Other than that, dd is going to be VERY handy when it comes to getting rid of unwanted visitors!

Oh, and my kids and their significant others are the only family I have, so that makes it easier for me than it is for most of you.

[Theia]

If I had family and friends close to where I live, I would definitely restrict visits. I am new to the town I live in and haven't gotten to know anyone very well other than MW. My parents live about 12 hours away, but Mom has already said she won't come visit until I am ready. Finally something we see eye2eye on with this pregnancy. DPs family all live overseas and won't be able to make the trip immediately. So my situation allows me to have the privacy but not feel bad about it since I don't have to say 'no' to anyone.

My DP is Indian, they have a tradition that I think I would like if the situation allowed. The first 40 days after birth are for the new family to bond and MIL, SIL, etc will do all the cooking and housework so that the new parents are free to completely bond with baby. I realize that means they would be there also, but my understanding is that they respect the need for privacy and are willing to wait for the parents and baby to be ready to be introduced to the whole family.

[the elyse]

i'm not sure how i'll handle this yet either... my parents and inlaws both live close, and i'm also worried about dh's grandparents. at dd's 3rd bday earlier this month, his grandmother kept bringing up wanting to pierce dd's ears. : i know i don't want them coming to my house for a very long time after bean shows up. she gets her feelings hurt easily, but honestly i really don't care.

[gingerbane]

No vistors for the first two weeks unless specifically invited.

[LoveChild421]

I set time limits for visits. Dp would be insulted if I didn't allow his family to come over in the first few days. Dp's mom is loud and can be annoying so I told him that we will only have visitors over for one hour max at a time and only close family and friends, no long lost great aunts and people who don't care to contact us except when a baby is born.

With ds I usually used the excuse that I'm modest and breastfeeding (which really isn't true at all) to retreat to the bedroom and cuddle up with the baby if someone is getting on my nerves.

[snozzberry]

Originally Posted by Dea

I just want my space after the baby is born. I don't want her telling me how to do this that or the other with my baby. I don't want to struggle with breastfeeding in front of her or my FIL. I don't want to have to be on edge with a new baby, and unfortunately that's how I feel around them.
So no, I totally don't think you're being selfish!

ITA!

This all came to a head with DH and me a few weeks ago because I don't want his mom staying with us right after the baby is born, and he had heard from other fathers that they'd had family stay with them to help out. I think DH was scared about us figuring it out on our own and wanted his mom there to help because he didn't have confidence in himself. After a nasty fight we talked through it and he talked to some more dads and found some who did it without family staying with them.

[StrawberryFields]

We aren't limiting visitors at all although since I plan on making it at home this time (last time was a hospital transport) there ARE going to be guidelines on people just rushing over as soon as they get the news. ILs live a few blocks away and I am adamant about the fact that I want to be showered, dressed, etc. before anyone comes after the birth.

If I feel differently at the time though I wouldn't hesitate to set rules about who can and can't come at the time--although I would definitely allow our immediate family (parents and siblings) to come right away no matter what.

Everyone's family dynamic is different though so you just have to do what is right for you and your baby!

[Justmee]

We aren't limiting visitors, but I don't expect many. MIL will prob. come to help take care of the bigger kids for a few days, until I come home (I'm having a hospital birth). My parents live in the US and they are coming some time in the beginning of March, but they will stay in a hotel. MIL will prob. come to the hospital to visit once and leave within a day of when I come home. BIL and SIL live about 3 hours away so we'll see them within a month or so, but only for an hour or 2. My other two BIL live closer, so they will probably pop around 1x in the first couple of weeks to say hello and see their new niece / nephew.

[kristenyostdc]

When I had my 2nd ds a whole bunch of family showed up at the hospital the afternoon after he was born. I was having trouble getting him to calm down to nurse so they all decided to leave the room for a few minutes. But instead of going out into the lobby or something they just all chatted very loudly right outside my room. They were so loud that I felt bad for the other mamas in the rooms next to mine so I had dh kick them all out of the hospital!!! I think they were kind of mad but I just thought it was so inconsiderate of them to be so loud in the hallway with other babies and mamas trying to rest in their rooms! So this time I really want to limit visitors at least in the hospital. Usually when we get home they come at different times so it's not that big of a deal. And my mom usually comes to help with the older kids for the 1st week or so since my hubby has to go back to work right away.

[LoveChild421]

Originally Posted by snozzberry

ITA!

This all came to a head with DH and me a few weeks ago because I don't want his mom staying with us right after the baby is born, and he had heard from other fathers that they'd had family stay with them to help out. I think DH was scared about us figuring it out on our own and wanted his mom there to help because he didn't have confidence in himself. After a nasty fight we talked through it and he talked to some more dads and found some who did it without family staying with them.

you're wise to address that issue now. There is no way that I would want my own mother, much less my MIL, moving in for a few days! Talk about an invasion of personal space at the most vulnerable and emotional time in your life. Sounds like hell on earth to me. People can come by for an hour or 2 everyday (if they are in from out of town they can stay at a hotel!) to help with things like doing your dishes, cooking you a meal, helping you with baby things you aren't so confident about (I really like having my mom to help with the first bath because I felt like I would drop him since he was all slippery and tiny), and visiting with the baby a bit, but by no means should anyone be staying at your home unless you (not your husband) really want them to.

[Writerbird]

It wouldn't even occur to my mom that many mothers help their daughters after the baby is born. We asked my MIL if she'd like to come and stay with us!

We have a huge extended family that lives close by, but they'll all wait to be invited. If they weren't that type... I would say "the meet the baby party for family and VERY close friends is on X date. Will you be able to make it?"

[mom2tillie]

You are not being unreasonable at all, I am so sorry that your hubby isn't on the same page as you on this. I begged people to wait to visit and to give us time to settle in before they came to visit but they insisted on coming, bought plane tickets an all so I was stuck with them. Then, my dd was a week "late" so I had a house full of people when I was in labor... it was awful and I will always blame my mom for that. It was totally overwhelming and I couldn't just be... I was hiding in my room while in labor which I really think contributed to the length of it and also the final result. Then after Tillie was born we had even more people (who had bought plane tickets and all) -my hubby's family at the house and Tillie would be crying and I knew all she wanted was to nurse and have mommy hold her but everyone wanted to hold her and it broke my heart, at least my hubby's family had the good sense to cut their trip short.

I am NOT HAVING IT this time around. I have made it perfectly clear that if they buy tickets they are SOL. No one is welcome until I say so (.) period. It is hard to lay down the law like that but that is the way it has to be, no more mrs. nice guy.

-Iris

[To-Fu]

(Poking my head in from January's DDC!)

DP and I easily agreed to no visitors for the first 2 weeks (and no one at the birth besides the MW, doula and us).

I just really want to give 100% of my attention to the baby during his first couple weeks of life. And you know what? I don't care if that makes me selfish! So there.

[ksera05]

You aren't being unreasonable at all

I plan on no visitors in the hospital except for my daughter and maybe a few close friends. No family though. I'm going to be healing from surgery and (hopefully) enjoying rooming in with my baby and I really just have no interest in entertaining.

My mom will be staying at our house to watch DD so when I come home she'll be there. She'll probably leave a few days later, then we'll have a few days on our own, then my inlaws will come (for only a day or two...ahem) and then we'll have a few more days on our own before he goes back to work.

[SamuraiMom]

I can't really say right now. I mean ideally I would like there to be complete peace in my home for at least a week after baby arrives, but I have three little ones, and most of our family is here, so I think that what I will try to implement is a 15 minute rule and we'll post it on our front door, as well as a friendly reminder that while you are visiting, that there might be some laundry in the hall that could be brought down, or maybe there's a few dishes in the sink that could use a washing... don't just ogle the baby, help out, oh and wash your hands before you come near me and baby! My MW from our last birth had made a lovely sign for our front door last time, and it took care of everything!