So are you limiting visitors? - Page 3

[operamommy]

Originally Posted by True Blue

Gosh, I wish my problem would be keeping visitors away. Anyone lucky enough to be close to family should be thankful they have to find a way to lower their visits. I would love for my whole family to be able to come see the baby. This is one time being a military family hits hard!

I'm kind of with you on this one! No offense to anyone here, but to those of us who are not close to our family, it's hard to listen to others complaining about how many people want to come see them after the birth! How horrid that people love you and are excited for you and your family.

I *do* understand not wanting visitors right after the birth - my in-laws (though they're 4 hours away) were actually AT the hospital the whole time I was in labor, and I've already told dh that he's to make them back off this time. I felt really rushed during my first nursing session, etc., because we had a nurse coming in constantly saying that grandma and grandpa wanted to visit. But on the other hand, one of my sisters didn't see ds2 for 11 months, and my brother has still NEVER seen him, and ds2 is now 25 months old.

[True Blue]

LOL I do understand to some extent too...but I also wouldn't have a problem telling people to back off a bit. Maybe bc it's my 3rd, I don't know. But I just can't wait to show off my babies when they are born!! I remember being in the hospital with DS, my sister was in town for his birth and that was it (we were in CA, family in FL and MA). I thought two of my friends were going to come by the hospital and they never did...and I was SO disappointed, all I wanted to do was show off my beautiful baby boy.

That said, when my family comes to visit they HELP...laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. DH's parents not so much...but then again they don't clean their own house too well. : We have lots of friends for support here though, we are in military housing this time so the camraderie is nice. I know they'll be circling like vultures waiting for us to post the sign outside that the baby is HERE and what sex it is LOL.

[Teenytoona]

My MW's packet says to limit visitors to immediate family the first week. I am shooting for that (but I know at the very least my mom will be over!). I've already told some of my extended fam and they seem cool with that, but we will see what happens when it comes down to it!

I do like mama_nym's sign, I might have to copy that. I also am taking into consideration everyone's advice about getting nursing down (as best as possible) for those first crucial days and thinking that's even more reason to limit visitors.

[Gunter]

we will set up a "bring us food for the first 30 days" list so people sign up to drop off food. if we are up for company, they stay and if not, DH answers the door and tells them we need rest, thanks for dropping by. it worked fabulously last time.

a friend is in charge of the spreadsheet for sign ups and sends out a weekly e-mail reminder to those who signed up. it worked really easily and people were not upset when we had to leave to rest or i never came downstairs.

my mil came to help do laundry and run errands and stuff. the only annoying part was she would come in our room and start talking about random crap while we were resting or i was nursing. she talks about the oddest stuff sometimes. so, we'll be protecting ourselves a bit more from her this time so as not to resent her. she does have a good heart just needs some guidance, i guess. my mom will probably come down later after we're settled, i would guess. i have no idea though b/c until my daughter was born my mom had never been to my house or college (for over 10 years she never visited me). she's been 4 times in the past two years which is still head spinning for me. she's awesome now about giving us space but trying to be involved so i would guess she's up for coming whenever we want her.

[nolonger]

I had a nice chat with ds's dp last night and I think we resolved some things. She understands that she WILL be one of the very few people I want around during the first two weeks, but that I am not a "pass-the-baby" formula feeding mom and I was surprised to find that she completely understood my recent obsession with organic/nontoxic fabric, so I've obviously been underestimating her.

I'm still skeered; the unwanted visitors situation was pretty bad at my first birth and that's the only other time I've been a single mama from the beginning. I need my girls to protect me from the outside world!

I'm planning on keeping this bedroom (with a DOOR so I can shut people out!) until after the birth and then switching with ds once the little one gets mobile and we need a toddler-safe common area and private spaces for the big kids.

[NamastePlatypus]

if MIL was within a 50 mile radius there would be some serious damage being done! ONLY my mom and dad, aunt ( she is more like sister and a midwife) and my two girl friends. Defintitly e and maybe dh if I don't kill him this time. ( he slept during my 19 hour hypertonic natural labor and birth!) I am very reclusive for monthes afterwards.

[To-Fu]

(Peering in from the January DDC again!)

We want to have at least two weeks (if not a month) free from long-term guests. We live far from both our families and everyone wants to come and stay. Most relatives have been pretty understanding about it, but my mom is another story. I have only just gotten her to understand I don't want her at the birth, and she hasn't let me forget how hurtful that is. She also expects to be there right when the baby is born and stay with us immediately for a week or more afterwards. Um, no thanks.

She wants to teach me things about how to take care of a baby, but we already have some pretty strong ideas about how we want to do that, and all of those things conflict ideologically with what she would want to "teach."

We don't have laundry facilities in our place, we've already temporarily hired a cleaning service, and we're vegan so it would be more stress for everyone involved if they tried to come over and cook for us. So in the end, her visit--especially so soon after the birth--would be a big stressor rather than a help, despite her good intentions. I can't even tell you how much I am dreading breaking the news to her that we need her to wait and that we want her visit to be only a few days. Ugh.

All that is to say that having visitors totally depends on the relationship between them and the new parents. Maybe you could use the help and you have a great and supportive relationship with the people spending time in your nest. If that's the case, then I envy you.

I don't know what it is. I just feel so private and protective of my baby already and he's not even born yet! I know I will want to be alone with my new family without worries for those first few weeks, and I worry about how it will hurt people to tell them. We can leave a sign on the door for local friends, but that won't be so effective with people who are coming from a time zone or two away.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[ecstaticmama24]

I'm sure the laying in article was in an older Mothering mag.. I'll see if I can find which one.

And yes, I'm definitely limiting visitors, and yes I'm sure SO will be completely insulted. With our last baby (my 3rd, his 1st), he invited everyone and their cat over for a visit and I ended up having a nervous breakdown, he left for a couple days, and it just generally sucked. He was even calling his friends while I was in the birth pool, or he'd answer the phone, it was annoying to say the least. I ended up calling my midwife mid-breakdown and she ordered me to bed (when I could) for 1 week with no visitors, period!!

With my first 2 I loved having visitors, but I was in the hospital where I didn't have to move or do anything really. When I'm at home, I feel as if I have to entertain guests, and I'm not doing it this time.

Good luck!

[nolonger]

Here's the laying in article:

http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...g/at-rest.html

[Dea]

NOS thanks! I'm going to send that to my MIL so she can get it through her thick skull that she isn't going to call the shots regarding when she gets to hold my baby.

[nascarbebe]

Originally Posted by Dea

NOS thanks! I'm going to send that to my MIL so she can get it through her thick skull that she isn't going to call the shots regarding when she gets to hold my baby.

We don't have the same MIL do we? With DS #1 I struggled with BFing for 6 weeks. Mostly improper latching and he practically refused to nurse from one side. I was dealing with all the AND PPD and all my MIL wanted to do was sit on her a#$ on the sofa while I was struggling and talking at me. Then after struggling for 1 1/2 hrs with nursing and finally getting baby to sleep she'd want to hold him! I could go on and on but I won't.

I'm already starting to tell people that it was very difficult with DS #1 to deal with establishing BF and with PPD. Friends seem to be understanding, it's the ILs who can't get it through their thick skulls. They're like, oh we're family so let us know how we can help. I'm like ok, then stay away!

My mom will be coming to stay with us. She's a horrible housekeeper but an awesome cook On and she can swaddle like noone's business!!!

[sunkist33]

You guys are scaring me! My MIL is the typical overbearing, gossipy type that loves to complain about anything & everything. She also has this habit of bringing people with her every time she visits (sometimes cousins, other times older foster kids) so you never know who to expect when she visits (!) So I need to tell her firmly that she & my sister-in-law can visit *briefly* but no "surprise guests."
I remember her commenting how she had wished that she had stayed for a week ot two when DD was born...I almost threw up in my mouth, like I would ever let that happen (!) Fortunatley, we live in a tiny apt. and there is no guest room to store her 400-lb. ass, so that isn't an option :
DH has 2 weeks off for paternity leave, so that will be nice to just stay in & bond...and watch new episodes of Lost! when the new season starts...

[ColesMommy]

Originally Posted by nascarbebe

We don't have the same MIL do we? With DS #1 I struggled with BFing for 6 weeks. Mostly improper latching and he practically refused to nurse from one side. I was dealing with all the AND PPD and all my MIL wanted to do was sit on her a#$ on the sofa while I was struggling and talking at me. Then after struggling for 1 1/2 hrs with nursing and finally getting baby to sleep she'd want to hold him! I could go on and on but I won't.

Wait, what was my mother-in-law doing at your place???

When my MIL and SIL came to visit when Cole was 5 weeks, my MIL announced as she walked through the door that she doesn't do diapers. Um, thanks. I was still having a hard time with breastfeeding, too, and she kept making comments about how she was glad that she didn't BF, couldn't imagine being tied down like that, etc. I heard through the family grapevine that SIL was disappointed in her visit because she didn't get to see or do anything. : I wasn't expecting them to expect the normal guest-host type visit and I was wrong.

I get along great with my ILs so it was hard because it definitely strained our relationship for a bit. With this one, none of the out of town visitors (so my husband's family) are planning to come until May.

[nascarbebe]

Originally Posted by ColesMommy

With this one, none of the out of town visitors (so my husband's family) are planning to come until May.

No, we don't have the same MIL, my MIL pretty much wants to come as soon as the baby is born.

[Dea]

Originally Posted by nascarbebe

We don't have the same MIL do we? With DS #1 I struggled with BFing for 6 weeks. Mostly improper latching and he practically refused to nurse from one side. I was dealing with all the AND PPD and all my MIL wanted to do was sit on her a#$ on the sofa while I was struggling and talking at me. Then after struggling for 1 1/2 hrs with nursing and finally getting baby to sleep she'd want to hold him! I could go on and on but I won't.

I'm already starting to tell people that it was very difficult with DS #1 to deal with establishing BF and with PPD. Friends seem to be understanding, it's the ILs who can't get it through their thick skulls. They're like, oh we're family so let us know how we can help. I'm like ok, then stay away!

My mom will be coming to stay with us. She's a horrible housekeeper but an awesome cook On and she can swaddle like noone's business!!!

Oh this is my fear, and what I expect. DH won't tell his mom that she has to wait, and she has this way of manipulating and it's going to get messy.
DH is adamant that the baby bond with the grandparents, and I'm adamant that the baby bond with ME! I just think he doesn't understand. To make it worse MIL and FIL are going to Africa for March, so if this baby is late they will be here when she is only days old because they have to see her before they leave, which irritates me because I didn't choose their trip, they did! And my mom is okay with waiting and is respecting what I want. But his parents aren't even asking what would be good for us, they are just assuming that they can come whenever. AHHHHH! It just makes me so mad that she just disregards my desires and won't understand that her son is married and no longer her little boy and she can't keep meddling.....
okay breathing. We've recently had some issues with her not respecting our decisions and our boundaries. I'm worried that at some point it will affect our marriage.

[steph117]

This is a great thread - DH & I just started discussing this. DH is taking three weeks off to stay home after the birth (he works for a cool German company - they're much more hip to Dads needing time off too) - and I'd like most of that time to just be together with him & the baby!

I'm currently thinking that aside from a hello from my parents (his live overseas), I'd rather any other friends/family in the area wait at least a week or two, but DH said, "won't they all be insulted?" My response was that I really didn't care.

Again, it's hard to know how I'll actually feel once the little one is actually here - maybe I'll want the feeling of community, though I can imagine not wanting to pass the baby much - my chest felt a little tight just thinking about it! I really appreciate reading everyone's responses about their own thoughts/experiences.

And for those of you on this thread who are far from friends & family & wish they were closer....

[GreenRose]

My mother has very graciously said she & my step-dad will stay away until i ask them to come and visit. I'm kinda nervous about being a first-time mum with no clue, and no one around to help, but at the same time.. I'm sure we'll be fine And it will be so nice not have to worry about anyone else.
Oh, and MIL & FIL are RIP, so don't even have to think about that. I REALLY feel for everyone with a crazy MIL though. My step-mother is absolutely wicked. I'm hoping that my father doesn't her when he visits in March! I think he knows better.

[kathywiehl]

My mother has already requested time off and booked a flight for the day after my EDD, so I have no idea if the baby will arrive before, during, or after the birth. The main reason for her visit is not so she can see the baby, it's to be my slave, lol! She will be in charge of the cooking, cleaning and laundry while I hibernate in the bedroom with the baby. She will also help out with the other kids after dh goes back to work. If she happens to be here during the first days, I'll send dh back to work and have him take his time off when there is no one else around to help.

Steph, my dh works for a German company also, but he can't take much time off! I'm jealous!