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raising UNoppressed children - Page 5

post #81 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSerene View Post
I'm enjoying this discussion; I think it's important to put a lot of thought in how you parent.

My mom drilled it into my head that it was important to be myself and that it was not only okay to be different, but ideal. What became painfully apparent as I got older and grew into myself, so to speak, was that she wanted me to be different like her. She was/is very hostile to me actually being who I am. She always prided herself on how cool she was because she used drugs and partied and was very beautiful. She looked down on normal, boring people. Well, guess what, I've never been cool and I have nothing in common with her and it is not okay with her.

Some parents say they want their kids to be themselves and be unoppressed, but they don't really mean it. Sometimes I have to look at the decisions I make as a parent to see if I have an agenda, or if it's really in my dd's best interest.
Yes. My parents wanted me not to conform to the suburban world in which we lived; they wanted me to conform to them--be bookish, spurn all music written after 1950, wear my hair short, and read Dickens for fun. Becoming a cheerleader and singing in show choir were supreme acts of rebellion for me.
post #82 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by siobhang View Post
or as my dh just said - you can be true to yourself without being an a$$hole. Unfortunately, I know too many people who are unaware of this fact.
Me too.
post #83 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jescafa View Post
Yes. My parents wanted me not to conform to the suburban world in which we lived; they wanted me to conform to them--be bookish, spurn all music written after 1950, wear my hair short, and read Dickens for fun. Becoming a cheerleader and singing in show choir were supreme acts of rebellion for me.
Kinda like how I sometimes feel like a rebel for being a SAHM and practicing AP and Gentle Discipline.
post #84 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSerene View Post
I'm enjoying this discussion; I think it's important to put a lot of thought in how you parent.

My mom drilled it into my head that it was important to be myself and that it was not only okay to be different, but ideal. What became painfully apparent as I got older and grew into myself, so to speak, was that she wanted me to be different like her. She was/is very hostile to me actually being who I am. She always prided herself on how cool she was because she used drugs and partied and was very beautiful. She looked down on normal, boring people. Well, guess what, I've never been cool and I have nothing in common with her and it is not okay with her.

Some parents say they want their kids to be themselves and be unoppressed, but they don't really mean it. Sometimes I have to look at the decisions I make as a parent to see if I have an agenda, or if it's really in my dd's best interest.
That's what I wonder about. Sure you can teach your child to conform or not conform but what happens if they choose the opposite? How are you going to feel if you end up with Alex P. Keaton? Or my dp and I we wonder what will happen if dd is popular and a cheerleader or a born again Christian investment banker. How can I be openminded about something that brings back painful memories for me? Such a balancing act parenting is.
post #85 of 89
I don't think we can "teach" true non-conformity. If we're "teaching" it, then really we're just teaching our kids to conform to our particular brand of non-conformity (as mentioned by at least one pp).

So if we "teach" non-conformity, our kids are still going to feel forced into a mold, and an unpopular mode at that.

I think the main way to prevent doing this is to remind ourselves that our children are human beings with their own identities -- just as we are. We have thoughts and lives of our own, and we're not just little off-shoots of our parents. If we treat our kids with the same love and acceptance we wish we'd had from our parents (and hopefully some of us DID have it), then we can't go too far wrong, IMO.

I keep remembering that my kids are going into times and places I'll never see. They're going to need skills and perspectives I many not even (naturally) value or see any use for. And because of the unique perspectives they already have, growing up with AP and unschooling, I need to be open to having my life changed by their insights.

It's like Faber and Mazlish said in their How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk book -- much of what we're learning is so alien to the way we were raised, it's always going to feel like a second language to us. But our kids'll be fluent!
post #86 of 89
Thread Starter 
How are all you mama's handling the holiday season? I have seen a few threads about "Do X or Santa won't come" stuff...how do you deal with this Santa always watching, you won't get you're presents if you aren't "good" stuff? What about all the materialism in general this holiday season which many (including myself) can find "oppressive" at times?
post #87 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnipmama View Post
How are all you mama's handling the holiday season? I have seen a few threads about "Do X or Santa won't come" stuff...how do you deal with this Santa always watching, you won't get you're presents if you aren't "good" stuff? What about all the materialism in general this holiday season which many (including myself) can find "oppressive" at times?
We've started spending this time with just our immediate family, and visiting my mom on a different day, for a variety of reasons, my family's disdain for my unoppressive parenting being a big one.

On the Santa thing, when dd1 was 4 she shared with my sister and niece (we were at my sister's house for Christmas) that she'd learned that Santa's not real, but Jesus is. My niece said, "Santa's more important than Jesus!"

And my sister told dd she was making the wrong choice, by being honest about her discovery. She told dd that as long as everyone still thought she believed in Santa, she'd get more presents.

I wasn't directly confrontational (I wish I had been), but dd and I had a conversation later. Needless to say, I let her know I disagreed with my niece's comment. I also didn't like my sister's implication that it's better to be dishonest with people.

I guess my dd's haven't had so much experience with the "be good or you won't get anything" kind of cr@p. For one thing, we can't afford to hang out in shopping centers as much as I did when I was a kid. And maybe just miss a lot of those comments.
post #88 of 89
This is something I am finding much easier to do now that I am a single mum as my DH always was telling my son he "couldn't" like pink or play with dolls, etc... My oldest son is very sensitive and up until a year ago he LOVED pink simply because it was his Grammy's favorite color and grammy is his best buddy. I want my children to live truly satisfied lives, whether they are married or single, broke or poor. Right now I do not meet standards of many of my family and friends. I am a single mom and broke.....BUt this is the happiest, most assured and at peace with myself and my path that I have ever been. THAT is simply all I wish for my boys. I spent mnay years not really knowing who I was since I put too much weight on others opinions and expectations.
post #89 of 89
Congratulations, Tonia!
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