baby talk...

[chrysalis]

nope, not from a baby's mouth...from a grown man's. i am disturbed so much by my moms boyf of about 3 yrs' 'baby talk'. he does it w/ megh and he does it w/ his 2 boys when they are visiting or on the phone w/ him (they are 9 and 14). it annoys me cuz i like megh to be talked to normally...sweetly, but not 'baby talked'. my mom says that is just 'how he is'. case closed on that issue, basically...i said well it disturbs me...she was like how so? of course i didn't go THERE but i basically just said i don't know him that well...it makes me nervous. i let her figure out the rest for herself. i'm not accusing him of being a molestor or anything but being the hawk that i am watching adults and older children as well with my dd, i can't help but worry about this 'baby talk' stuff. it triggers me for some reason...i get afraid he's grooming my dd. maybe this is all just worry and i don't need to be concerned... but i can't help it. all i know is megh won't be left alone w/ him. he's probably just being 'sweet'.

i think my mom thinks cuz the are both helping us financially w/ rent that they somehow also are parenting megh and sheamas as well. i occasionally get testy w/ my mom about how they seem to hoard megh when they are w/ us...its like my mom takes over as 'mother'. and even her boyf starts telling megh what not to do and do and it bugs me. like my moms body language. i can't explain it. i just don't like it. i remind my mom that *I* am the mother, not some child. last night at the restaurant megh was lapping her whipped cream on her pie like a little puppy and she was told not to do that by my mom and her boyf. i finally piped up and said 'that is FINE. i don't mind that she does that'. i mean REALLY......what is the big deal? she was having fun and enjoying her whipped cream. it isn't like she will forgot how and never use utensils again. as for being full of etiquette in front of other people, i really don't care about that... i just like to look at things like 'does this REALLY matter THAT much?'. moms boyf can be controlling...we'll be leaving and he'll tell megh to hold on to the handrail going down the stairs of the condo outside...that doesn't matter much as their stairs inside going to the loft area. and then he wouldn't give megh her pistacio's back til she put on her shoes....it bugged me. also at the restaurant my mom would tell megh its ok to have this or that and i was trying to get megh to eat some more turkey/veggies...and i am RIGHT THERE...like hello, i am not a nonexistant or invisible mama! or my mom would be the one to bring megh to the buffet or bathroom...i felt so annoyed cuz i wanted to have some time/say with my own dd on thanksgiving for petes sake........i missed her as megh had spent most of the day focused on my moms boyf, just watching movies at their house or talking or playing...i missed my baby girl. i was jealous and annoyed...or like yesterday megh had a chocolate gingerbread looking boy she was eating and then moms boyf tells her only one more bite or she could get wired and starts edumacating her on the effects of sugar and caffeine...i wanted to say JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OUR FAMILY AND WE JUST MOVED BACK HERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOU ARE MEGHAN'S FATHER. I AM HER MOTHER AND I WILL HANDLE THIS. i piped up and said you know, i had a TON of espresso and sugar while megh was in my womb and she was calmer than sheamas is. she doesn't get hyper from it. i wanted to say DON'T YOU TELL HER HOW MUCH CHOCOLATE SHE CAN HAVE OR WHATEVER... its like he just likes to just tell kids what to do and what not to do. you should see him w/ his boys...he's just ON them so much, especially the 9 yo who is more hyper and tests his dad like crazy...how the hell am i going to handle this. this kind of thing bugs me pg or not...my mom and him keep saying how we are 'raising' these (my) kids together....yes...and no. like if you are going to 'raise' them, i feel you should be on MY program...the way i parent, people. my mom certainly wasn't the best of mothers....she blames ME for things SHE was accountable for. she knocks teenage years like all teens are unruly. she brought up how *I* was at 14 the other day and i said DON'T EVEN GO THERE PLEASE... and she goes on to say i lost my virginity (in front of her boyfriend) at 14...i said yeah, and who had put me on BIRTH CONTROL!!!??? therefore just encouraging me to screw all my boyfriends...i mean REALLY! if i'd had a great family life and didn't feel so sad and alone inside and out i don't think i'd have started so young and been so sexual. it bugs me that she puts it on ME. so you can kind of see why i'm triggered by her taking over w/ MY dd, even when i'm right there. and she is also really into getting my last will and testament notarized. she added her boyf on there in case she is dead or inable to care for my children. i said i didn't SAY you could add him! she is so controlling in a weird way and i am really frustrated. i wouldn't want megh to go w/ them. i'd rather her and sheamas go w/ friends in MN. my mom is afraid tom (my ex) will get custody of megh should i die because i'd had him as first guardian on my current will...i just don't like all this 'we are raising them too' crap and focus on if i die before i give birth.........grrr. anyway this has turned into a big vent. i tossed and turned last night thinking about all this and it is really on my heart and bugging me. any advice??? how do i stand strong in how megh is grandparented by these people MY WAY. they both act like they are experts. i don't like this at all. cuz i see how megh resists their way and it goes into a power struggle and how she acts. it breaks my heart. help.

[sorteep]

I'm sorry , Lis, have you guys considered family therapy.. a pro might be able to help set appropriate boundries etc...

[chrysalis]

ugh. that would probably be the best...at least for my mother and i. i don't know this newer man in her life reallll well and its just a little frustrating how my mom gets w/ these men and then expects me to feel all cozy and warm about them w/in the first few years. i've been away for 2 of the 3 w/ this one and i just think she asks too much of my 'trust' w/ her relationships. she automatically tries to make us all one big happy family. i need a counselor bad. i'm still waiting for my state health insurance to activate...long story but i had my birth cert changed when my ex step dad adopted me under his name when i was 8 so it says i'm HIS and i had his last name for many years. when i got divorced from my ex at 21 (very short stupid marriage) i legally had my last name changed from ex's to my bio fathers. so now i'm waiting for the divorce papers to arrive...once i have these i can get my oregon health plan coverage and go see a counselor for in depth stuff. sigh.......... my mom really frustrates me to no end. i know she means well...i know she does... just wish she'd honor my boundaries and my way of parenting my kids.

[chrysalis]

most of you must be tired of hearing my woes as you aren't replying... :

really i am a pretty happy person. full of joy...i just feel safe here expressing my frustrations...i do get frustrated w/ most people in the mainstream of our society here in america...i know most of you parent as i do and can understand and relate...maybe i'll x post this on single parenting board too...

hey that bird is back checking out our bird house......i wonder what it is.
i'll have to borrow mothers' bird book.

[Isaac'sMa]

It seems like the board is just a bit slow today...

Sounds like a tough situation with them feeling entitled to parent your dd. If the boyf. gives you the heebie-jeebies I say trust your gut! I'm wondering if you've addressed potential abuse with Megh? I recently saw a book I am thinking of getting for Isaac and I thought of it when I read your post. Link here: http://rosiehippo.com/productdetail....oupnumber=B984

[chrysalis]

yes, many times i've told megh about saying NO to any of that stuff adults and even older children will try to get kids to do... ie. want to see my penis? does this tickle...here? keep this a secret.... all that kind of thing. she knows ONLY i put on cream or clean her vagina or a dr. if i am there. i just get so scared that someone i trust will somehow convince her and she will be afraid to speak up. then there are those commercials i hear and ads in newspapers that say 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys before the age of 18 will be sexually abused...freaks me out. that is too high a percentage. so yeah, even if those aren't even guilty or even ever having the possibility of ever doing such things, i can't help but watch them like a hawk. i don't know why my moms boyf does this stupid baby talking-its so annoying. his ex wife and her boyf apparently mock him while he is talking on the phone w/ their sons.......my ex (tom) and i used to make fun at this amongst ourselves........ my mom doesn't call her boyf on it.....just says 'that is how he is........' whatever! its ANNOYING! she thinks (says) he is close to perfect as far as men come. maybe so.....but the baby talking has GOT TO GO. i asked megh today if she thought he talks funny....she laughed and said yeah!!!! anyway.............sigh. i'll try to limit our time w/ him.......megh just loves him......which is great. but annoying to me.

***update: i just looked up child molestor info and this is all very disturbing...maybe this man is just trying to play super hero male role model for megh but i'm still going to be watching him like a f'in HAWK. another thing this man does is say 'can i have a hug' to megh like everytime we leave...i hate this. usually megh won't give him one. she knows her body is private but how do i know if he's said anything and told her keep hush about it...cuz like i said, he can be authoritative too and controlling....which really freaks me out after reading below. yeah, mama HAWK i am. not saying he is for sure a danger but he still makes me watch him like a hawk.

Below are the 8 lessons to the "Secret Language of Child Predators." Teach your children how to recognize these signs.

1. Talk the Talk. Walk the Walk.

Watch for adults who seem to be particularly good at getting right in there with their children, acting like a kid, and "talking their language." This could be a sign that an adult is trying to fit into the children's world and make them extremely comfortable with his company. He's telling the child, "I'm just like you."

Listen to the words of one pedophile, who happens to be an attractive professional businessman (30 plus-years-old), "I'm sexually attracted to just-over-puberty boys. So you learn to say what they say, like what they like. You learn to talk the talk and walk the walk."

In a report on child abuse called "What Sexual Offenders Tell Us about Prevention Strategies," one molester explained that when approaching children he "used a very smooth voice, very nice, and non-threatening. I'd get on their level, ask how their day was going, what did they like. And I'd listen to them. With older kids in particular you have to use a lot of verbal seduction."


2. Just a Little Touch

Who can resist tousling the hair or pinching the cheek of a friendly child? But when pedophiles touch a child they are not just giving a little friendly attention, they are "grooming" and they are making a statement to the child - "your body is not your own."

Watch out for adults who seem to go out of their way to touch children, especially in inappropriate ways. many pedophiles attracted to young boys and girls begin their "seduction" by touching the child in very specific ways. For example, they will offer to help a child tuck in his or her shirt, only their hands will go unnecessarily deep into the child's pants or skirt. Pedophiles attracted to older children will offer to give them back rubs or "accidentally" touch a girl's breast or bottom. Or they might pull a child closer into their crotch area for a hug.

One man admitted that he would approach young boys in church, touching them with one hand on their back and one hand on their crotch as he asked them how they were doing in school. He said that only one boy in 20 years pushed his hands away. Another man used the guise of praying for the boys not to become the victims of sexual abuse. While praying, he laid his hands on the boys' genitals. To the boys, this seemed like real concern.


3. You're Special

Besides sly touching, pedophiles will often single a child out for special flattery or attention. Be aware of adults who make a lot of eye contact with the child or even overtly stare at them, especially at the genital area. Also, take note if an adult buys your child special gifts or gives them money. Pedophiles who "flirt" with children are telling a child "you're special." All kids like to feel special, so this form of seduction can easily win over many children.


4. How About a Game?

Watch for adults whose homes seem like a kid's playground. Pedophiles often fill their homes with toys, video games, bikes and other things that children love. An adult who uses toys and recreation to attract children to his home is saying, "I'm just like you and I want to be your best friend."

Remember Mr. X? His home was actually a "camp." Pedophiles often have swimming pools, batting cages, basketball courts, hot tubs, video games and more. "He was like a father figure, but even more he was a playmate," says one parent.

Another convicted pedophile who had no children, had given many of the kids in the neighborhood bikes, but he made them keep the bikes at his house.


5. I'm the Boss

Take note of adults who are in positions of authority with children. The vast majority of teachers, scout leaders,, baby-sitters and coaches are truly good people who would not intentionally hurt a child. But many pedophiles have been attracted to these careers and activities to get close to children. When caught, these pedophiles have admitted to using their authority to overpower children. An adult who imposes his "authority" over a child is saying, "I know what's best for you." He may later use this authority to make the child do whatever he says. For example, many pedophiles have described how they told a child it was their responsibility to teach the child how to masturbate.


6. Nudity and Sex are Natural

Under the guise of sex education or being "natural," preferential child molesters may "introduce" children to nudity through pictures, videos, language or activities such as skinny dipping. They are, in effect, telling the children that "nudity and sex are no big deal."

The complaints against Mr. X paint a portrait of a man who set about to desensitize boys to nudity. In between coaching, Mr. X also invited boys to play sports and shower at a health center, and to play in the nude in his pool and hot tub. Police say the activities were ploys to get boys to undress so he could secretly videotape them or give them body massages.


7. Just Us Two

If an adult likes to spend a lot of time with your child, especially alone, he's saying, "I've found my next victim, now just leave us alone." In particular, one abuse expert advises parents to watch out for people who seem to want to spend even more time with your child than you do. He says that this is a clear indication that something may be wrong.


8. I'm "Mr. Wonderful"

If someone regularly offers to give a child rides, take the child on outings, baby-sit while the parents take a break, or healp the child with homework, he's effectively saying, "Relax, trust me, I'm here to help. I'm just an all-around great guy who loves kids and I want you to see me as the good guy in your life."

This is an especially common ploy used on single mothers, who will see this helpful person as a godsend. But the molester is not motivated to be helpful, he is motivated to appear to be helpful and to be seen as a great guy. LIke all molesters they live a life of pretense, a life of lies. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.


Become a Detective

A tracker in the forest will see evidence of 20 animals, whereas the average person may see evidence of only a few. The difference is that the tracker is trained to identify the signs that indicate that a particular animal was in the vicinity. For example, certain teeth marks on a specific kind of tree at a particular height tell the tracker that a raccoon was there. Bush branches broken in a particular pattern indicate that a wild pig recently went crashing through the brush (even though a recent rain may have washed the footprints away). This special knowledge helped our forefathers survive in the wilderness.

Like these nature detectives, parents today must become detectives of another sort. They must become knowledgeable about the behaviors of child molesters so that they can properly protect their children. The signs are there, seeing them is the trick.

It's not surprising that the average parent doesn't notice a pedophile's behavior for what it is. Child molesters go to great lengths to conceal their illicit activity. They even fool their wives.

"Mr. Z," who had molested many young girls including his stepdaughter for 20 years, was asked how he was able to hide his deviant behavior from his wife for so many years. His answer was, "I manipulated her as much as I manipulated the children."

One pedophile admitted that he had married his wife because he was attracted to her daughter, who he eventually coerced into having sex.

Another mother had this to say when learning of her daughter's molestation: "I thought my daughter was lying, because I did not believe that my husband (the girl's stepfather) was the type of person that would do something like that." In fact, he had given the eight-year-old a sexually transmitted disease.

Patricia Wicklund, Ph.D., was similarly surprised to learn that her husband of 15 years who was a therapist, had been arrested for molesting many of the teenage boys he had treated. She wrote about her ordeal and about pedophiles in "Sleeping With a Stranger."


Special Important Note to Parents

If you find any of these "secret language" signs fit a particular situation in your life, you may have a problem that you need to look into right away, but you must not overreact. Proceed very carefully. The idea here is for you to remove the prey (your child) from the potential predator, not create a scene.

You should not, for any reason, confront the predator. This is not a "call to arms," but rather a means of avoiding problems. Be extremely careful not to make accusations without absolute proof and then ONLY with the help of law enforcement and the appropriate social services. The problems that could develop if you don't first contact proper authorities could be critical.

To properly handle a suspicious situation, leave the situation in the hands of trained professionals. Investigators say that if a suspected child molester is tipped off he may destroy valuable evidence. Most molesters keep items such as photographs of children, diaries of their activities, and "tools of their trade" such as sex aids and toys in their homes. If you have a good reason to suspect trouble, call your local police station, 911, or a social service agency organized to handle such issues.

[chrysalis]

Originally Posted by Isaac'sMa

I recently saw a book I am thinking of getting for Isaac and I thought of it when I read your post. Link here: http://rosiehippo.com/productdetail....oupnumber=B984

that looks like a nice one...i have never seen that one. i have read numerous books w/ her and talked w/ her too numerous times over the years.... but like i said, i still worry as most abusers are those the children know and trust. i probably worry too much but i figure it can't hurt to watch everyone like a hawk anyway.

[lisarussell]

I think that would be so annoying, too. Are you living with them? Why do you see them so much?

I think your gut instinct is a serious thing to listen to, and if it SAYS this guy's a creep, I would listen.

Kenneth Wooden, or Keith Wooden wrote a book called Child Lures, about how perverts get kids, did you know that over 95% of children who are molested are molested by FAMILY members or close friends, not the stranger in the car at the end of the playground. He has interviewed tons of families and sex offenders, the average offender has 85 victims before he gets caught.

"That's just how he is." Is fine for them, but I wouldn't want to be around him. I'm sure you'll get through this OK, but be strong and listen to your gut instincts.

[chrysalis]

thanks lisa, i'll check that book out too. looks like a good one. i live in the same resort that they do. i am 7 buildings from them...don't really know why we see them so often. really i suppose we don't 'need' to be...hard not to when you live so close...like everybody loves raymond or something...i'm definitely going to avoid going there after he is home from work weeknights and on weekends. really he seems like a nice guy but the baby talk and telling my dd what to do and say isn't ok. i just can't describe why i feel like they are trying to be meghs' parents and take over. i had this same feeling w/ my ex-sd. my mom did the same thing...totally negated what i said and made an ass out of me to make herself look great. she is a weird woman. more troubled than she wants to admit. i moved to MN to get away from her...2 years and now i'm back...feeling like she is trying to entangle me again. i really need to get independent. first i need to focus on this newborn and i still am not sure what i will do for denero...don't want to be away from my kids if at all...so this is the tough part of being a single mama...i think my mom thinks she is going to have them all the hours i work. she's got another thing coming. i don't need their 'help' as far as 'raising' my dd and ds. i just need...help. lol w/out the baby talking and controlling. sigh...: