Crying

[jorgiemom]

When you cry, do you let your children see you? I'm not talking tears of joy, here. I mean gut wrenching, like your heart is broken, I am so frustrated kind of crying.
We are going through a difficult spot in our relationship, which ends up with me crying. I usually can't get away from the kids, they follow me everywhere. I don't want them to be frightened by seeing me like this, but sometimes there's no other way for it to happen. Privacy. What's that?!!
What are your thoughts? Thank you.

[Maurica]

Hi jorgiemom, man, can I feel you pain!

Honestly, I held it in at all costs. I would not recommend this tactic at all, though I think I did it for myself more than DD. I already have problems expressing emotions due to a particularly difficult childhood, I am seemingly deathly afraid of intimacy. So I would hold back those feelings until they all caught up with me and I just lost it driving home one night. I definitely felt better after that and became freer with my emotions.

Since then I do cry in front of DD, though one good look at her startled face brings me back. I then instantly hold her and explain why I am upset. I'm not sure of your situation, though. My DD is a toddler and does not associate my bad feelings with someone (as her father is completely absent). When I was a child my divorced parents hated each other though they protected my sister and I from their negative ideas. Perhaps it would have been better for my sister and I to understand what a manipulating jerk our bio-dad was. But I digress...

I guess I have no answers, but then perhaps you weren't even looking for any. I sympathize and will hold you in my thoughts.

Remember to take care of yourself first to be the best mother you can!

[Mami_Mala]

Yes I let my daughter see me cry...ofteh she will ask me why I am crying about a certain thing and I will exp[ress as best as I can and so that she understands.

AT first I used to hide my crying from her but I didn't want her to think crying /sadness was something to hide or to be shameful of. So just like I luagh and defnd things I cry in front of her as well.

MM

[jasnjakesmama]

I do let my kids see me cry. But not the gut wrenching, rolling around on the floor crying that can happen when things are out of control. I think it's important for us to be honest with our kids and I think it's important for them to see a whole range of emotions because that's just normal. But the kind of crying your talking about is very scary to kids. They look at us for protection so if I gotta cry like that, I do it alone.

[sanna]

I agree with jMama, I do the same. I cry in front of them, even wails. But, the real gut wrenching stuff, can scare them. I tried it once, and their faces told me enough!

[laralou]

I can't add anything they haven't all already said. I agree that crying is okay. Kids need to see it is okay to cry, but nothing that will make them worry if you will be okay. My rule is just to stop if he gets worried about me. I want him to see me as a normal person with normal feelings, but don't ever want him to feel he needs to take care of me. That is too much of a burden for a little one.

When my parents broke up, my mom fell to pieces-- losing tons of weight and crying constantly. I was so worried about my mom-- I thought it was killing her, so I started hating my dad and refusing to see him. They got back together but I still have issues (I know, duh!- like ya'll didn't know).

Let them see your sadness-- just let them see you turn it into positive life-affirming action and that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

{{{jorgiemom}}} I know you will handle it right because you are a strong and positive woman! I look forward to meeting you!

[~member~]

oh, I cried and cried and cried. My baby didn't seem to care, but my 6 yo would hold my hand and tell me she loved me and to keep cryin' til i was all better lol! In hindsight I can laugh, but at the time it was mortifying. I remember getting angry that the only one who was holding me was a little 6 yo child. i was finally able to realize that unless I reached out for help, no one knew what was going on. Now, my dd's don't seem to have been affected, but who knows? Maybe they'll send me their therapy bills when their 30, huh? lol!

[mammastar]

My heart goes out to you, but please be careful! While it is fine for children to grow up seeing the adults around them deal with a wide range of emotions, IMO, seeing 'too much' can be a real burden on them. My 7 yo dsd has seen a lot of her mom's emotional turmoil since her mom and my now dh divorced when she was little. My sense is that she feels very emotionally responsible for her mom -- apparently when she was wee, she would bring mommy kleenex and blow spit bubbles to try to cheer her up. Maybe her mom thought that it was sweet and touching at the time, but I believe it was just the start of that little girl having an enormous, weighty sense of responsibility that goes way beyond her years. She has recently told me that her mommy cries a lot and 'bangs her head' on the table, and that she helps mommy to her room where she can continue to cry while dsd #1 hangs out with dsd #2 (age 3) and puts on a video for them. I am very concerned about how much she takes on: she should only have to think about learning and playing at that age, IMO. Instead, I know that she worries constantly about what she can do to please her mom, and that a lot of this is from seeing her mother's raw emotions far too often.

I'm not saying that you should never let a child see you cry (hey, I have, too!), but do be careful. Make sure they understand that neither they nor anyone else is responsible for making you feel better.