Emotional rambelings from a crazy pregnant lady...

[rmzbm]

More or less. *sigh*

Can someone please tell me what I can get out of a midwives care than I can't give myself? I've been chatting with a midwife locally & am set to meet with her. This goes against everything I want, really. And part of me figures, well...heck, just go see an OB then. I have a really hard time seeing the difference...I have UC in my heart. I want to birth alone. But is there not some point where you say - hey, um, I may be doing something really reckless here? Or, on the flip side, maybe I just need to turn my computer off? There's alot of discussion on this forum about listening to your instinct. Mine tells me I'm fine & can do this. (For anyone not following, I'm planning a UCA4C, I am now 21 weeks along.) Then I surf around & read about what a horrible choice I am making and am a disaster waiting to happen. What's the deal? Please, for the love of God, don't tell me to "look within" or some such thing. There's a place for that, there's also a place for logic. Really, maybe I am too focused on the goal of a normal birth when the FOCUS should be a safe mode of entry. I do sincerely believe that can happen right here at home or I wouldn't entertain the idea...but, I dunno...if I didn't have some lingering doubt maybe all the chatter *out there* wouldn't bother me. Maybe my problem is with the way I view midwifery. I came to all these conclusions (I can VBAC, etc) by convincing myself interventions caused all my past crap. I know that's true, but maybe I just swung too far in the other direction? Lots of moms have VBACs after multile sections...that's a fact. But I question weather I, alone, would know if something were going wrong. The simple fact that I have really long pregnancies is enough to make me kind'a nervous. Yeah, I know, it's all "normal"...but well, not always. I can honestly see me going well beyond 43 weeks, I have before. That makes me uncomfortable.

Does any of this make any sence? What is a logical next step? Hire a midwife? It sure beats the heck out of showing up at the ER is full on disaster mode, all alone. No?

I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret posting this, but have at it. This has been such a struggle & journey for me, I just don't want to make any emotional or just plain wrong choices.

[KariM]

My first thoughts when reading your post is if I were you, I'd identify the fears I had - in specifics.

I'd take the time to list them all out and then I'd do some thinking and writing and come up with things *I* would be able to do in response to those fears.

What will a midwife do that you can't do? Are you wanting the companionship and reassurance?

My VBAC was only after 1 c-section and I did choose to have a midwife. Looking back I wish I hadn't. I didn't need her there (honestly didn't want her there once she arrived) and she did NOTHING but interfere with the birth and make it longer and harder.

I hope you're able to find some peace soon!

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by KariM

My first thoughts when reading your post is if I were you, I'd identify the fears I had - in specifics.

I'd take the time to list them all out and then I'd do some thinking and writing and come up with things *I* would be able to do in response to those fears.

What will a midwife do that you can't do? Are you wanting the companionship and reassurance?

My VBAC was only after 1 c-section and I did choose to have a midwife. Looking back I wish I hadn't. I didn't need her there (honestly didn't want her there once she arrived) and she did NOTHING but interfere with the birth and make it longer and harder.

I hope you're able to find some peace soon!

I did actually take it all apart. That was a condition of TTCing. I conquered them, or so I thought. I dunno...I still think so. It's just hard to read that people think you're risking your baby's life to get your way. YK? It's not about that, really. I'm willing to have the section, if NEEDED. Totally willing.

And I don't want anyone there, I REALLY don't. It will, among other things, just give me yet another birth experience I didn't want.

At more than halfway through though, I feel I NEED to make a decision. :

Thanks for the reply!

[LavenderMae]

I've been the ob route twice and this last time I had prenatal care with a midwife. There was a difference in my experience. The midwife care was more personal and she didn't talk down to me or treat me like I was a two year old. I found midwife prenatal care to be a better experience than I had with the Obs (which I didn't care for at all). I wanted to add that there were negatives with the midwife too but I don't feel comfortable discussing them here.

It is very hard not to let outside things make you second guess yourself and not make you fearful. Our birth culture is firmly planted in fear.

I guess I would try really hard not to read/listen too the negative things so you can make a clear decision that isn't based on other people's fears and judgments. I know what those things are though and honestly it would be hard for me to ignore too.
I do not know a lot about repeat c-sections and what that entails for future births so I don't even have an opinion about your situation (that sounds cold but I really don't mean it that way at all). I do know that I wish you much clarity and peace in whatever decision you make.

[Seie]

I completely understand your dilemma. You freaking DESERVE your UC after all those sections but I see why you worry. It would be alarming if you DIDNT worry.. I wish I had some really good advice for you..
Sending lots of positive vibes and wishes of strenght to make this difficult decision. Whatever you choose we are here to listen and hug

[Lizzie9984]

Ya know what? It sounds like you know darn well what you want, but you might be a little hung up on the mainstream medical community's social expectations. I have those hang-ups myself, I'm going to fight tooth and nail for a VBAC one way or the other, be it here at home (if I can manage an "ooooops! event" with my hubby's opposition) or in a hospital. I'm so glad that even at 42 weeks 2 days at this point that both my mom and hubby are adamant that this baby will come out on his/her own when they're damn good and ready, and that they both believe there's no reason to rush a damn thing. I've read the scare tactics with "overdue VBACers", but I've also read the statistics, and really don't believe those tactics match up with the stats---If I went in and got induced now, which the medical community seems to have little problem with doing even though the bad outcomes skyrocket with us VBACers when we're "overdue", the chances of say, getting a pit induction and then having a uterine rupture is statistically higher through that route than simply being overdue and NOT being induced going for a VBAC. I try my absolute hardest to ignore those idiotic scare tactics, remember that I have full support in this house for going my OWN route (not the medical community's) and remembering that the majority of favorable statistics are actually in MY favor and stomp on the stats of interventions.

Try thinking this little phrase once in a while, it works for me
"I am not a mouse, I do not squeak. I am a woman, and you will go deaf hearing me roar!"

[Intertwined]

So you want logic? Well then, try to find some! What are your real risks of rupture? I have no earthly idea, but surely there are some stats, somewhere? I like to have real numbers to look at, too. I'm not a VBACer, so I cannot really understand the fears. Not from the inside, anyway. I always wonder at women planning repeat sections after one. The risk of rupture is like .08%....which is .02% higher than if you have never had a cut in your uterus. They tell me that the 'risk was just too high for me' and I sort of just stare at them. Huh? Don't get that.

Sorry, rambling. What I'm getting at is:

Can you get your hands on your real life risks of uterine rupture after 4 c-sections?

After you see what those risks look like, can you be OK not having some kind of monitoring by a professional?

If not, do you feel that a homebirth MW is capable of helping you or do you desire an OB's care?

It really doesn't matter what me, the other UCers on this board, or the rest of the Mainstream Internet Pregnancy Community would tell you THEY would do. It only matters what YOU are most comfortable doing. Who gives a crud if so and so here thinks you should UC or if so and so over there thinks you are a selfish asshat who is only trying to get an "experience" out of this.

There are inherent risks to birth, just like there are risks to driving a car, walking on the sidewalk, and basically anything involving breathing and a heartbeat. No guarantees anywhere, Mama.

[rutabega]

I can honestly see me going well beyond 43 weeks, I have before. That makes me uncomfortable.

What about that makes you uncomfortable?

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Inca

You freaking DESERVE your UC after all those sections

Yeah...

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Lizzie9984

Ya know what? It sounds like you know darn well what you want, but you might be a little hung up on the mainstream medical community's social expectations. I have those hang-ups myself, I'm going to fight tooth and nail for a VBAC one way or the other, be it here at home (if I can manage an "ooooops! event" with my hubby's opposition) or in a hospital. I'm so glad that even at 42 weeks 2 days at this point that both my mom and hubby are adamant that this baby will come out on his/her own when they're damn good and ready, and that they both believe there's no reason to rush a damn thing. I've read the scare tactics with "overdue VBACers", but I've also read the statistics, and really don't believe those tactics match up with the stats---If I went in and got induced now, which the medical community seems to have little problem with doing even though the bad outcomes skyrocket with us VBACers when we're "overdue", the chances of say, getting a pit induction and then having a uterine rupture is statistically higher through that route than simply being overdue and NOT being induced going for a VBAC. I try my absolute hardest to ignore those idiotic scare tactics, remember that I have full support in this house for going my OWN route (not the medical community's) and remembering that the majority of favorable statistics are actually in MY favor and stomp on the stats of interventions.

Try thinking this little phrase once in a while, it works for me
"I am not a mouse, I do not squeak. I am a woman, and you will go deaf hearing me roar!"

Yup...you get it.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Chantelhayes

So you want logic? Well then, try to find some! What are your real risks of rupture? I have no earthly idea, but surely there are some stats, somewhere? I like to have real numbers to look at, too. I'm not a VBACer, so I cannot really understand the fears. Not from the inside, anyway. I always wonder at women planning repeat sections after one. The risk of rupture is like .08%....which is .02% higher than if you have never had a cut in your uterus. They tell me that the 'risk was just too high for me' and I sort of just stare at them. Huh? Don't get that.

Sorry, rambling. What I'm getting at is:

Can you get your hands on your real life risks of uterine rupture after 4 c-sections?

After you see what those risks look like, can you be OK not having some kind of monitoring by a professional?

If not, do you feel that a homebirth MW is capable of helping you or do you desire an OB's care?

It really doesn't matter what me, the other UCers on this board, or the rest of the Mainstream Internet Pregnancy Community would tell you THEY would do. It only matters what YOU are most comfortable doing. Who gives a crud if so and so here thinks you should UC or if so and so over there thinks you are a selfish asshat who is only trying to get an "experience" out of this.

There are inherent risks to birth, just like there are risks to driving a car, walking on the sidewalk, and basically anything involving breathing and a heartbeat. No guarantees anywhere, Mama.

Sorry for all these snippets, multi-quote is messed up for me for some reason.

Anyway....
I have the numbers. I am OK with the numbers. I am amazed others aren't.*sigh* The thing is...that's not what this is about. It's just - what's the word - maybe intimidating and a little depressing to hear people say you're doing something SO "out there" that it makes you wonder if you're making poor judgements. The whole "If so many say this thing, I should perhaps reexamine..." Maybe I am missing something? That sort of thing.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by rutabega

What about that makes you uncomfortable?

That, perhaps, without any assistance I will be unable to see a developing problem.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Sheacoby

Our birth culture is firmly planted in fear.

A big : ! Sadly.

[Intertwined]

OK, I see what you're saying.

Boy have I BEEN THERE! Not related to birth specifically, but to vaccinations. I get cold feet periodically and DH has to restrain me from running to the nearest mainstream ped and injecting them all at once. Sigh.

Stop talking to them. Stop lurking and posting on unsupportive boards. You're OK with your risks and that's all that matters. THEY don't have to push the baby out. These are many of the same women who walk into a hospital and accept every intervention in the book with glee. They put their babies at risk every day.

Examine why they feel that way? Because VBAC after one c-section has become so incredibly rare. Much less two. Or three. Four is just not heard of. Too many women are scared after just the first.

It's hard to walk the path less traveled. It's harder still to walk the one NEVER taken.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Chantelhayes

OK, I see what you're saying.

Boy have I BEEN THERE! Not related to birth specifically, but to vaccinations. I get cold feet periodically and DH has to restrain me from running to the nearest mainstream ped and injecting them all at once. Sigh.

Stop talking to them. Stop lurking and posting on unsupportive boards. You're OK with your risks and that's all that matters. THEY don't have to push the baby out. These are many of the same women who walk into a hospital and accept every intervention in the book with glee. They put their babies at risk every day.

Examine why they feel that way? Because VBAC after one c-section has become so incredibly rare. Much less two. Or three. Four is just not heard of. Too many women are scared after just the first.

It's hard to walk the path less traveled. It's harder still to walk the one NEVER taken.

You're definately right about that...thank you.

[seattlemamma]

Can someone please tell me what I can get out of a midwives care than I can't give myself?

I think the only thing, based on your post, is that maybe you can get prenatal care from someone with easier access to medical care. Maybe peace of mind in case you feel at some point that it is time for intervention.

There is a really good article about your fears on birthecology. Your Trust Determines your Birth!!!
http://birthecology.squarespace.com/...our-birth.html

[L&IsMama]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I have the numbers. I am OK with the numbers. I am amazed others aren't.*sigh* The thing is...that's not what this is about. It's just - what's the word - maybe intimidating and a little depressing to hear people say you're doing something SO "out there" that it makes you wonder if you're making poor judgements. The whole "If so many say this thing, I should perhaps reexamine..." Maybe I am missing something? That sort of thing.

I saw this on new posts....and I have to say this: Ya know...(sorry, had to) Who cares what others are okay with. We make decisions every day that "most people" say are out there, or wrong, like not vaxing, homeschooling, circ, BFing, etc, etc, etc. You do not second guess those, right? You are not missing anything. "They" are. That is all...I am going back to lurking.

And congrats, btw.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by seattlemamma

I think the only thing, based on your post, is that maybe you can get prenatal care from someone with easier access to medical care. Maybe peace of mind in case you feel at some point that it is time for intervention.

There is a really good article about your fears on birthecology. Your Trust Determines your Birth!!!
http://birthecology.squarespace.com/...our-birth.html

Yeah, I agree with you. That CAN be worth something to me. Thanks for the link, checking it out now.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by L&IsMama

I saw this on new posts....and I have to say this: Ya know...(sorry, had to) Who cares what others are okay with. We make decisions every day that "most people" say are out there, or wrong, like not vaxing, homeschooling, circ, BFing, etc, etc, etc. You do not second guess those, right? You are not missing anything. "They" are. That is all...I am going back to lurking.

And congrats, btw.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

[kittywitty]

I agree, who cares what everyone else thinks. Everyone thinks I'm freaking nuts. Be proud of who you are and know that there are many of us who respect your decisions. I have many fears, too, that I am working on. Slowly, they have been working themselves out.



Just look within.


















: Couldn't help it.