due date harassment

[Kitten]

DH's mom has been bugging him lately for an exact due date. All he will tell her is "sometime in the middle of February" and then gets vague about it. She claims she wants to buy plane tickets to come visit in March, but won't tell him right now exactly when she wants to come visit, LOL. We think she's planning on crashing our homebirth (probably to try to harass us into going to the hospital), or planning on coming ASAP after the birth. Her idea of "helping" is to hold the baby and make rude comments about the post-birth state of our house while I wait on her and DH's father, ugh. Not to mention asking every 5 min when she can give the baby a bottle (never, thanks for offering).

I told DH to tell her next time she asks, Feb 21 (which is way off). What do you guys think, should we give her a fake date or just keep being vague about it, or just flat-out tell her "don't come before such-and-such a date in March?" Last time they lived an hour away so short visits weren't a problem, but now they live 12 hours away by car.

BTW if she shows up at the door during the birth we are not going to answer, LOL.

[Ruthla]

Would Feb 21st be late enough that you're not likely to give birth before then?

I'd be tempted to tell her Feb 29th. Even if you haven't given birth by March 1st, you can honestly say you haven't passed your due date yet. Oh, wait, this coming Feb it WILL be a leap year. Maybe tell her Feb 30th?

[Dabble]

I would tell her that your last dr. appt predicted a leap day baby. That would give her something to blab about with her friends, and give you plenty of time to have baby on your own terms.

A total lie, I know, but this is MIL we're talking about.

[delicious]

I would flat out tell her not to come until whatever date you find acceptable. the last thing i would want is my MIL crashing my babymoon.

[luckymamato2]

I would tell her she could come XX time after the baby arrives, and that you will call her as soon as the baby's born. I was quite nasty about people coming to see us after dd's birth. I don't know if my MIL prebooked a ticket based on my edd or not, but we let her come 1 week after the birth for a week, and my mom came the day MIL left, for a week. I had originally wanted 2 weeks alone, but my dh only took 1 week off and lost out on the 2nd week. URGH! Tell her whatever date you want, but also put your foot down and say she can come on XX day or XX days after the baby is born. You could also say, which my dh would say, that you may ask them to come sooner if you need them, but plan on XX days after the birth. And thank them for wanting to help!

[railyuh]

I would tell her she could come 2 weeks (or whatever time YOU think would be good for you) after the baby as born, and you will let her know asap when the baby is born. That's what we plan on doing with our family because we don't want any visitors right away after the birth. I would just let them know this up front so they stop asking and know you would not appreciate visitors right away.

[mom2tillie]

That is a tough situation. In my case it is my own mother that acts like that, so I just laid down the law with her. It was hard to do, but I told her that she is not welcome until well after the baby is here. The truth hurts, but she got over it and at least she knows where we stand.

Good Luck, if you can't be so blunt, then I make sure you pad the heck out of that due date just to be safe.

-Iris

[hubris]

I agree that laying down the law is probably the thing to do. People need to understand - or at least accept - that you can't predict what day the baby will actually be born, nor what everybody's needs will be at that time. My ILs were pestering us months ago about WHEN they could come to see the baby, and DH told them that we just don't know, and that he knows it's hard to wait, but that they will simply have to wait to make travel plans until AFTER the baby arrives and AFTER we know what my needs and the baby's needs will be.

They think they're being inconvenienced over a plane ticket? Heck, I don't know what day my baby will be born or what tomorrow holds for me, and that affects a whole lot for more than just a little trip!!!

[pampered_mom]

I'm sort of in the same situation as you are. Last time (it was an "elective" c/s in the hospital) my ils hightailed it the 8 hours to the hospital and then proceeded to camp out there all day long. I didn't mind it when my family was there, but they were certainly much more helpful.

Then they came to visit when ds was only about a month old. Camped out on our couch and expected to be entertained and fed. Stressed both me and ds out to the max. I'm terrified that this is going to happen again - especially more so since we are having a homebirth.

As of this point I don't think that they really know that we're having a homebirth, although I think they suspect that we are. We've been purposely vague about the due date and they have tried to pin dh down on a more precise one, but he just keeps saying "early January" and then reminds them that no one knows when babies will come exactly and that due dates are just estimates.

At some point as the date draws closer, we have planned on calling them - well....on dh calling them. He's going to tell them that he will call to let them know when the baby is born but that they will need to wait until he lets them know that it's ok to visit. Between him working 60+ hours a week and not being able to take any time off other than birth day he's going to explain that we'd like sometime to adjust to being a family of four.

I have a feeling they will be upset (SIL just had a baby and dh's mom was there for FOUR weeks before the birth and TWO weeks afterward - she tends to think she gets to do the same type of things with us, but forgets that she's dh's mom, not mine), but also think it's better to explain things up front.

I think in your case, laying down the law is just what your ILs need.

[Quindin]

If there was any risk whatsoever of my ILs showing up for the homebirth I would NEVER EVER tell them the due date. NO way!!

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by delicious

I would flat out tell her not to come until whatever date you find acceptable. the last thing i would want is my MIL crashing my babymoon.

: I'd flat out tell her YOU WILL LET HER KNOW when she may come. Good luck!

[lilylove]

Another voice for being firm in your boundries
You and your family should enjoy the birth and babymoon of your little one without the stress of defending your choices or having to wait on someone else.

[gingerbane]

I would tell her that, "We're not sharing the official due date with anyone right now, but we're glad that you're planning a visit for March. The first/second/third week of March would be a great time to have you so we'll schedule you in"

Keep the ball in your park, not hers.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by Quindin

If there was any risk whatsoever of my ILs showing up for the homebirth I would NEVER EVER tell them the due date. NO way!!

: and I would pad the date by at least 2 weeks.

[Olerica]

I'm struggling here with this. I've told DH that I don't think I'll be up for visitors for a few weeks after baby arrives (sometime in July) but he says that we can't predict when they (ALL) will show up.

He comes from a large family (he's the oldest of 8 sibs) and there are 16 grandchildren currently in that clan. We live out of state and as he's the oldest, everyone is THRILLED that we are having our first baby.

[yogamama2]

My "official" due date is June 1st, the midwife is writing it down in her records as June 5th, and we're telling anyone who wants a specific date (as opposed to June or mid-June) June 15th. At first I felt guilty about lying, but I went almost 2 weeks past my due date with #2 and I figure it will be June 15th before I start getting harrassing phone calls - at which point I'm hoping our new little cricket will actually be here! I don't want the calls/worrying I got last time around from the extended family, so that's what we've decided to do. I had one aunt (who works at the front desk for an OB/GYN) who was calling my father once I passed my due date to let him know how dangerous it was that I wasn't being induced! All this crap about my placenta dying, blah, blah, blah. Very helpful and scared the heck out of my dad!

If I were you, I would pad the date by at least 2 weeks, or better yet, pick a week in March that you feel would be acceptable (even if you give her a padded due date!) and tell her that that is the week that would be most convenient for her visit. I wouldn't even give her the opportunity of crashing your homebirth! I'm worried about similiar crashing issues with my MIL (she's a nurse - a school nurse who's never worked OB/GYN, but she thinks she knows everything about everything) and I'm afraid she will be packed and ready to come and deliver the baby herself, or worse, "supervise" my midwives! That's not the energy I'm looking for at my homebirth. Good luck to you - I feel your pain.

Namaste!

[GentleBirth]

I agree with that you probably need to be straight forward about her not comming until your ready. Just because I would be stressed about thinking that she could show up anytime if it were me. If you absolutly have to give her a date I think I would just go with a later date, she won't know the difference and you will have a a bit of peace.

[AnnesMoM]

My midwife told me a good rule of thumb is to take your "real" due date, add 2 weeks and then tell people the due date two weeks later than that. I told everyone my due date was 2 weeks later than a doctor would have figured it. Good thing, too, since by a doctor's calculations my ds was 4 weeks past due

[flapjack]

I have to say, my MIL was present (in the house, not the room) at my second HB, and was taking charge of DS1 because DS2 showed up 4 weeks earlier than I expected (37 and a bit weeks.) Total fluke, total coincidence, but not that bad- and bearing in mind the fact that I hate this woman's guts with a passion and can barely bring myself to be civil to her now that her son and I are divorced, that's saying a lot.
I would tell her that you think it's too soon to plan a visit. Can you push LO out first and then plan a visit maybe around Easter time, so you've got more time to spend together?

[Kitten]

DH says he is just going to keep avoiding telling her an exact due date (which is also what I prefer). We've been together about 10 years and I know him pretty well, especially about things like this, so I know he'll just keep changing the subject every time she brings it up, LOL.

After further reflection he thinks she said something about the end of March and if that is true that should be OK. Even if baby is "overdue" we shoudl still have a nice long babymoon. DH pointed out that we can't keep her away forever (tempting for both of us). I don't want to outright lie and make up a due date in case we have another DC, then she'll be on to us next time.