Dealing with anger

[Mallory]

On our quest to deepen our relationship (I posted in parents as partners), dh and were listening to this lecture about emotions.

The speaker was talking about changing values and subsequent events causing conflicting emotions. An emotion is a value judgement- fear=might lose something of value, happy=increase in something you value, pride=you accomplished something you value, and so on. Anger is unreasonable, or unjust loss to something you value.

Like most of us here, my first response to many of my toddlers actions is anger. They have done some unreasonable damage to something else I value. Tore up my magazine (the lost of my possesions), ignored me (the lost of respect), being demanding (loss of my time or energy), and so on.

And when I deal with my anger by decoding what thing of value is lost and comparing it to my much bigger value-- my child's emotional health, self-esteem, or need to explore, it is often so easy to deal with my anger.

At least it works for me! I hope it helps someone else.

[beachrock]

Thanks Mallory for your insight.

I strive to follow this kind of idea in my parenting, which has been boiled down (by I forget who, Dr Sears?) to "people before things". When I look into my son's excited little face, the value of whatever he has just torn up, thrown in the toilet or dismembered seems vastly diminished.

Part of it is just accepting that when I was childless, my possessions seemed valuable because I couldn't conceive of how INvaluable a child's health & happiness are. As you say, a values shift (of the very best kind).

Mallory, I hope we can meet up sometime. I'm in DC.

[Mallory]

This mans speech really helped me see it in a way that "people before things" didn't. I don't know if I explained things too clearly. I real am a paitient, gentle mom, I didn't mean to sound like I was often reacting to them in an angry manner, just that I often felt anger that I have to overcome to respond in the way I really want to.

I guess because this way also validates my feelings- you really should feel anger when your things are destroyed just for fun or you are asked to meet someones demands over and over again or are ignored just because that person can't be bothered with you. With this view I get to agree with my anger see that there really is a reason for it. Countless times in the last 4 years I have pushed my anger aside by repeating things to my self like "ds is more important then the wall" "3 year olds talk back and ignore thier parents" and so on- denying my anger in a flood of "mychildren are not doing this on purpose", "why do I let thier actions upset I" "I am the one being unreasonable". With this new view on my emotions when my 2 year old dumps a box of crackers on the floor I can say "I have lost time cleaning up the crackers, money spent on food no one can eat, and energy dealing with another mess." This really helps me with not even feeling anger at their actions.

Maybe that just made things more confusing:

T
DeirdreAlison I saw that you posted on my threads in FYT, I have been meaning to respond! I have finals this week, thats why I haven't posted in the thread about meeting weekly. And the book group one isn't too important until closer to Sept (I believe the first meeting will be the 7th), so I have just been watching it. But I hope we get to meet soon!

[Britishmum]

Interesting. Something that dh and I say if one of us is reaching the end of patience over something is "It's not about you/us. It's about dd". That helps us to analyse the situation and see what we can do to help dd learn from the incident, and not treat it personally.

I do this for myself, it goes like this 'Deep breath..........it's not about me. It's not about how I feel about my magazine/laundry basket/book/wall/scratched bathtub. It's about dd. (some more deep breathing). Then ................put myself in her place. Why did she do x/y/z. Let go of my own feelings about it. Think how she might learn and move on from this. What might I do to help her?"

This works for me, although I don't really have a great problem with anger, just everyday frustration sometimes when I'm tired and the girls are particularly challenging.

[beachrock]

Mallory, I think I read into your first post a little. Thanks for clarifying. I think you're really onto something with allowing yourself to feel your "negative" feelings.

While I'm trying to raise my son in an environment that respects his emotions, I was raised in one where my parents were always telling me how to feel (ie, "you're okay" as soon as I fell & hurt myself, even if I was crying & didn't feel ok at all), and so I got in the habit of pushing down my feelings and never really experiencing them.

So you have a great point about validating the frustration. And you're right, it makes it easier to NOT get angry with my child if I allow myself to think about my own loss for a minute. Then it's over.

It's hard to retrain myself, though.: