Pregnant and want a homebirth - dh doesn't

[tlcdoula]

I just found out that I am pregnant with number eight and am so excited. While we were trying to get pregnant dh had agreed that I could have a homebirth if that is what I wanted. Well, now that the tests came back positive he doesn't want a homebirth. He isn't concerned about safety of it, but instead it is money, and I have to admit I am frustrated. If I have a hospital birth our insurance will pay 100% of the birth and I would have to pay $5 per doctor visit, so very little out of pocket expenses. If I have a homebirth they will not pay anything. The biggest issue is that I used to work full time making almost as much money as my dh. I quit my job March of 2006 to go back to school for massage. I just opened my own massage business in January and things have been moving so slowly. So not only is our income way down (because I am still not making hardly anything), but the thought of paying for a birth is hard for dh to handle. I can understand where he is coming from, but I also want a good birth. Now I know my doctor very well - she is great!!! I have done many, many births with her as a doula, so I am confident that I will get those things that I want, but I just don't want to birth at a hospital. Plus I wanted to have my seven children at the birth (when the baby comes they will be 20 1/2 yrs old down to 7 1/2 yrs), and I want a doula and my dh there too. The hospital that I would have to go to would be a long drive from my house because the one closer 9that my doctor goes to) is very medically minded. She only attends births at these two hospitals and I know she was trying to stay away from births at the further hospital just because it is so far. If she says she won't go to the farther one then I would have to find another doctor which is unacceptable to me because I have not met an ob that would be acceptable to me!!! There are only two hospitals that allow more than two support people and are a little more naturally minded - the further one or the one that I would need to get a new doctor.

I just hate this and wish dh would give in. Thankfully it is early enough in the pregnancy that I have time to work on him a little bit, but I wish he would just say okay and understand where I am coming from. Honestly he has been supportive of my birth work, but he doesn't "get it".

[Carolinamidwife]

I know I take the hard-line on this but my feeling is: My vagina my decision.

I would never let money stand in the way of my birthing at home. Maybe instead of working on your dh for you should just tell him your decision and then he can have 8 or so months for it to sink in.

[courtenay_e]

Yes, I have to agree...I might have a conversation that went something like, "this is something that is extremely important to me. I have made some phone calls and this is the going rate for midwives in the area. Typically we have until 38 weeks gestation to pay them in full. So. THis is where I can see we have a tiny bit of wiggle room in our budget. Where else do you see us being able to make cuts?" Maybe when he sees that you aren't just "hoping" for a home birth, but are expecting to make it happen, he'll take it a bit more seriously.

I hope so, mama! Sounds like the homebirth really would be the ideal for you.

[Lynnette]

Can you come up with some cash and maybe barter the rest with massages? Talk to midwives and find out. We are generally flexible. And maybe insurance will pay something, too.

[teachinmaof3]

Congrats Michelle

Ditto the bartering! My preceptor and I have done some births that way and it worked out great!

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by Levatrice

I know I take the hard-line on this but my feeling is: My vagina my decision.

I would never let money stand in the way of my birthing at home. Maybe instead of working on your dh for you should just tell him your decision and then he can have 8 or so months for it to sink in.

I guess I believe slightly differently because I wouldn't want him to make a big decision without me, so I don't think I should be making a big decision without him. I believe our marriage is a partnership and although it is my vagina and my body it is our baby and our lives.

Plus I feel it is very important for him to be comfortable with the decision that is made....I should too and that is why this is something I think we need to discuss and something that shouldn't be made by just one of us.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by Lynnette

Can you come up with some cash and maybe barter the rest with massages? Talk to midwives and find out. We are generally flexible. And maybe insurance will pay something, too.

I am going to check with the midwife that I think I want and ask her if she had success getting my insurance company to pay

[Carolinamidwife]

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

I guess I believe slightly differently because I wouldn't want him to make a big decision without me, so I don't think I should be making a big decision without him. I believe our marriage is a partnership and although it is my vagina and my body it is our baby and our lives.

Plus I feel it is very important for him to be comfortable with the decision that is made....I should too and that is why this is something I think we need to discuss and something that shouldn't be made by just one of us.

Well, I think it's admirable that you feel that way and I definitely agree marriage is a partnership. Personally, I do not feel my own physical safety and the health and well being of my baby is a decision, its black and white for me. I love my dh but his concerns or worry about money would never see me in the stirrups... but that's just me.

[jengacnm]

Are you *sure* your insurance won't cover a home birth? There are a handful of companies out there that flat out refuse, but it's strange to have great coverage for a hossy birth but NONE for home. At the very least, you could bill insurance for the prenatal care but pay for the birth.

And I would SO barter for massages!!!!!!

[prothyraia]

It can be a lot of money, it's true- but would missing out on the experience of giving birth with ALL your children around you be something you would regret for the rest of your life? Can you somehow convey that to your husband? He doesn't have to "get" it, or agree, but if he can realize just how important it is to you, that could go along way towards justifying the expense. 20 years from now you probably won't say "Gosh, I really really wish we had $3000 more dollars...I'd trade that homebirth I had 20 years ago for some money right now", but you might very well say "Gosh, I really really wish I had been able to have that homebirth I wanted. I'd trade this $3k I have now for that in a heartbeat if I could!"

[NJ*Doula]

Having just gone through this, if I were you I'd find a homebirth midwife and ask her to have her billing person contact your insurance carrier for an exact figure. I didn't think my insurance would cover homebirth, but found out that they'll pay about $1500. The remaining $2500 that I'll be responsible for is probably around the same as what I'd be left with out of pocket after a hospital birth. Check into the cost of hospital vs. home carefully before you decide that hopsital is cheaper. Seeing that $4000 figure is scarey, but when you consider that that's your total cost, and hospital birth leaves you with all sorts of fees that you hadn't planned on ($200 Tylenol, for example) you might find that home birth is the better deal.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by Levatrice

Well, I think it's admirable that you feel that way and I definitely agree marriage is a partnership. Personally, I do not feel my own physical safety and the health and well being of my baby is a decision, its black and white for me. I love my dh but his concerns or worry about money would never see me in the stirrups... but that's just me.

Well, I know for a fact that my doctor would NEVER put me in stirrups. I have done so many births with her (she is probably the one doctor I have done the most births with and I switched to her only because of how she is with her patients) and not once have I seen her do something like that. She is very hands off - even letting many moms catch their own babies.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by jengacnm

Are you *sure* your insurance won't cover a home birth? There are a handful of companies out there that flat out refuse, but it's strange to have great coverage for a hossy birth but NONE for home. At the very least, you could bill insurance for the prenatal care but pay for the birth.

And I would SO barter for massages!!!!!!

I am going to check, but the midwife would want the money up front even if she has had good luck with our insurance company. As far as it being really good - it is because dh works for a hospital.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

It can be a lot of money, it's true- but would missing out on the experience of giving birth with ALL your children around you be something you would regret for the rest of your life? Can you somehow convey that to your husband? He doesn't have to "get" it, or agree, but if he can realize just how important it is to you, that could go along way towards justifying the expense. 20 years from now you probably won't say "Gosh, I really really wish we had $3000 more dollars...I'd trade that homebirth I had 20 years ago for some money right now", but you might very well say "Gosh, I really really wish I had been able to have that homebirth I wanted. I'd trade this $3k I have now for that in a heartbeat if I could!"

I have told him how important that is to me, but he doesn't agree and doesn't want the kids there. He has always been supportive of my doula work, but also thinks it is weird. He doesn't "get it" just like I don't "get" why he would put his bodies through triathlons LOL. We agree to not get it, but still support one another, but I think wanting all the kids there is pushing it in his mind.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by GathererGirl

Having just gone through this, if I were you I'd find a homebirth midwife and ask her to have her billing person contact your insurance carrier for an exact figure. I didn't think my insurance would cover homebirth, but found out that they'll pay about $1500. The remaining $2500 that I'll be responsible for is probably around the same as what I'd be left with out of pocket after a hospital birth. Check into the cost of hospital vs. home carefully before you decide that hopsital is cheaper. Seeing that $4000 figure is scarey, but when you consider that that's your total cost, and hospital birth leaves you with all sorts of fees that you hadn't planned on ($200 Tylenol, for example) you might find that home birth is the better deal.

Actually my insurance seriously leaves me with zero costs other than a $5 copay for each doctor's visit. I know because I have birthed several children already with this insurance. They pick up the hospital bill 100%. It sucks but it is true. I am going to double check with the insurance and find out from the midwife whether she has had any luck with mine.

[doulanichole]

I would of course fight like crazy to have a homebirth and money is always a huge issue over here, but it wouldn't be worth it to me (as an argument). My insurance has also always paid almost 100% for a hospital birth and we have to pay all out of pocket for a hb, but we still make it happen. That being said, I have a much bigger problem with your husband going back on his word that you could have a hb. Like you can have one in theory, but not really, when it comes down to it. Marriage is a partnership and while my husband and I make all major decisions together, he certainly wouldn't be changing his mind on something this big when the pg became a reality. A marriage also involves honesty and following through on important decisions. I do think it's important to discuss all major decisions, but equally not important to sacrifice all you want for another (hb, children at birth, etc).

[pamamidwife]

There is no price that I could possibly put on a good, safe birth experience. Especially one that was gentle for me and my baby - and had my partner involved in an intimate way.

I know this is true from very personal experience. I agree with the other posters about having your midwife look into coverage. Even if you have to put the cost of the birth on a credit card, you'll get reimbursed if there is coverage after the birth.

Good luck with whatever decision you come to.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I hardly know how to respond to these threads anymore. Homebirth is safer, the WOMAN gives birth. Why these men think they have the right to make birth place decisions unilaterally, and why their wives/partners just cave like they have no rights, just makes me really sad. I can't imagine being in a marriage where my husband felt he had the right to tell me where to give birth when MY option is safe and reasonable. It's not like you want to give birth while skydiving.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

I hardly know how to respond to these threads anymore. Homebirth is safer, the WOMAN gives birth. Why these men think they have the right to make birth place decisions unilaterally, and why their wives/partners just cave like they have no rights, just makes me really sad. I can't imagine being in a marriage where my husband felt he had the right to tell me where to give birth when MY option is safe and reasonable. It's not like you want to give birth while skydiving.

Well, my husband hasn't made the decision and your assumption that he has made the sole decision is wrong! I said he doesn't want a homebirth and I want one, but I never said he made the decision unilaterally. We are still discussing it.

The one thing I hate is when a post like this comes across so many people assuming that the woman has no control and that she is in a bad marriage simply because the couple is having a disagreement. I came here and posting hoping women would give me ideas on helping my husband to see the light, but instead I got many posts from women saying "my vagina, my birth" or making my husband sound like the bad guy or the "ruler" of the house when that isn't the case.

I want a homebirth my dh doesn't and yes his main reason is money, and I can understand it. Perhaps none of you have had seven kids that you need to think about. My husband is working very hard to provide while I am not working and he is supporting my business, and the reality is that there is one doctor I am very comfortable with and one hospital that is pretty good (this hospital even has staff doulas - I worked for it so I know what it truly is like).

I also do not want to make the decision to have a homebirth without helping my husband to be comfortable with the decision - hence me posting and asking for ideas on how to get him to understand and change his mind. He might be married to a doula, but I think he needs help understanding. I had a doula friend whose husband was in the same place that my husband is in - she asked her doula friends to help her husband understand and they sent her resources that she shared with him and he changed his mind. They didn't say how horrible he was.

Sorry, maybe I am a bit sensitive this morning since I have had very little sleep, but my husband is not a barbarian or someone that bosses me around. He has concerns, and I understand that. I do not want to make a decision without having him on board because I want him to be supportive and to understand otherwise I am being just as barbaric as some of you are making him sound like.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Sorry, Michelle. There's been a rash of "my husband won't let me" posts lately. The feminist in me is easily annoyed right now!