Shocked.

[simplelah]

A few nights ago, we were talking to a lesbian couple we met a few weeks ago about having a baby. They were so rude about how they thought we were making a "HUGE MISTAKE" by using a known donor. We were told we were just setting ourselves up to have our baby "stolen".

Sigh.

I know not everyone agrees with the known donor process but the way they were downing it, my gosh, I have never been made to feel like a bigger idiot.

I need support. We are really covering our bases best possible with this. I am worried now though.
What to do?

[megincl]

Trust yourselves. If you know it's right for your family, that's what's most important. Definitely do the legal and medical things necessary, but you have the final say.

We have a known donor and it's wonderful. It's what's perfect for us, yet I know it's not for everybody. While it is very important to consider the possible downsides, I think that's true no matter how we go about making our families.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

be well,
megin

[mama2rey]

Your not setting yourselves up. We also have a KD and it's wonderful. As long as its someone you trust and can communicate with it can be a wonderful experience for everyone. Of course cover your bases-but you do what's best for YOU!

Not to say that it will always be easy-our KD up and moved to Mexico on a whim this August. I got really scared for awhile-but we talked and worked through it.

We also got flak from people-but know that you know what's best for you and your family.

[thismama]

Lots of people have KDs with no problems and good relationships. Do you all know and agree on the expectations? Do you have them written down somewhere? There is no way you would lose your child, btw. WORST case scenario, and I mean worst, if donor sued for access and the courts agreed, would be visitation and shared decision making. If he has never lived with and parented the child, there is no way they would remove the baby from the mother and give it to the 'father.'

[mamastotwo]

It bugs when people generalize that KD is always NOT going to work out. I know many families where it is working great especially when everyone is really clear on expectations and communications. Hey those are things that help any relationship thrive. We have used AD because we didn't have anyone in our lives who we felt we could have a successful KD relationship. Both can work beautifully IMHO!

[AngelaM]

I'm sorry, people get so judgemental about this process.

I'm using anonymous donor sperm through a bank, and people also regularly feel entitled to question that process. I've had queer friends criticize me for doing it this way, telling me that my process is "lacking intention", or that I'll be robbing my kid of a chance to know its "father."

There are so many beautiful ways to make a family, and it sounds like you're doing exactly what feels right for you. Congratulations!

[laoxinat]

A couple I know have two boys, both fathered by the same KD. KD is a big part of boys' lives, they get "daddying", mamas get breaks. Sounds pretty darn good to me! It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies (no pun intended) but it's a family, and those are never perfect. My personal feeling is that everyone contributing to the process of bringing a new babe to being has both rights and responsibilities. Yes, having a KD has its risks, but it is also a great opportunity to become very clear about the nature of parenting and our relationships to our kids. Good luck, and don't let anyone get you down!!!!!!

[lexbeach]

I think there are potential (and real) downsides to using any type of donor (known or unknown).

The vast majority of friends I know who have used known donors have had no complaints. When they do complain, it tends to be more along the lines of "known donor doesn't want to see dc" than "known donor wants to see dc too much!"



Lex

[Diane B]

Unfortunately, you just learned the first rule of this game: it's just not anyone's business! You can't win, you know? Anonymous donor: kid is scarred for life not knowing his "father". Known donor: Donor will come to take away your child. International Adoption: How can you lie in order to be a family? Domestic Open Adoption: Aren't you afraid the birth mother will want the child back?

By the way, I do know of a situation in our community some years back where a gay known donor sued for, and got, joint custody, against the wishes of the lesbian mom. So I'm just saying, it does happen. However, that certainly doesn't mean there aren't many known donor situations, including yours, that will be quite wonderful for all involved.

Why can't people just say, "Congratulations!"???

[Phoenix_Rising]

I'm sorry that someone said that to you. It is amazing to me how often people think that they have more insight into something than the people making the decision. FWIW we used a KD and have not had any issues. DS is 2 years old, if that helps.

[painefaria]

We used a KD and have had no issues. They, He and his wife, were present at Holden's birth. We went through an interesting period of adjustment when Holden was a couple of months old. Now things are good. They are great friends and are very supportive. I wouldn't worry about it as long as you have your donor agreement and have talked about expectations. We have found that it is not a problem... unless you consider Holden is loved by three four parents and three sets of grandparents . You and your partner alone know what is best for your family and I am sure you didn't enter into this decision lightly. Follow you gut and ignore the ignorant people out there!!!

[Twylightdove]

It amazes me how many people feel they can throw judgment on you the minute you consider parenting!

I started with frozen and people told me how 'unnatural' and unfair to the future child that was. I switched to a kd (not because of what they said but because we found a good guy who we trusted) and people tell me how awkward, risky and foolhardy that choice is.

The bottom line is that this is your family and your choice. Having kids in the first place is a calculated risk. Having a kd or using a bank is just a part of that risk. We all go into it as prepared as we possibly can be and hope for the best.

[megan sacha]

I agree with what everyone else has posted. We used a KD for our 8 month old son and he's agreed to help us with #2 next year. It's been really great and we're SO glad we know who his donor is. He will be able to be in his life and Finn will know who he is. We're so grateful for this...as well as knowing who to blame for little things about him. : )

I would highly recommend you go to an attorney and have a legal contract drawn up and pay for your KD to go to an attorney too before signing it.
This process was really good for us. It made us all look at things in black and white when we were feeling touchy feely and made it all VERY clear. There haven't been any misunderstandings because of that.

[lemurmommies]

I'm sorry people feel like they have the right to judge how you chose to create your family.

We have a KD, and it really has been a wonderful experience. We are going to use the same donor again in the spring when we try for #2.

As several PPs have stated, complications can arise no matter what path you chose. If you feel comfortable with the situation that you are in and are happy with how things are going with your KD, then I wouldn't give it a second thought.

[baby_baby_mommy]

Wow, I didn't know people had such negative feelings about known donors. In our circles, known donors are the way to go and knowledge of one's biology is valued (similar to the move toward open adoptions these days). We used a KD for DS and it couldn't be better. We did use an attorney to draft a proper contract, etc. to cover everyone (both KD's family and ours), and I suggest doing the same (even though we were and remain all on the same page about it, good to have the legal end taken care of...in case everyone perishes except the baby and then someone's weird surviving uncle has his say...). Best of luck to you!

[bluezephyr]

We're using a known donor, too, and have had similar reactions. I found a great online lesbian parenting list and left pretty quickly after I asked for known donor advice.

My read is that we queer folks have some grieving to do over the biological fact that we can't have a kids the same way a straight couple (who are both fertile) can. There isn't a perfect solution!!! One way I see some folks dealing with this is to decide that their way of dealing with this dilemma is the right way and forcefully assert so. Then they can avoid thinking of the ways that their way isn't perfect and avoid the doubts that come with that realization.

You know...domestic adoption is messed up...the foster system takes kids from families they shouldn't be taking them from...foreign adoption is buying babies...known donor will mean your kid will be like a child of a divorced family from the get go...unknown donor will mean your kid can't know half his biological heritage...yes donor means your kid can't know her donor as a child...there's always SOMETHING to say to someone else who is making a different decision to make them feel bad so that we can feel good. Ugh.

Just to add one more to the list...we could say to the leave it to beaver nuclear family model...your kid may grow up with both biological parents, but he's less likely to understand in his bones that families come in all shapes and sizes!!

[Kwynne]

We also used a known donor, and I remember feeling tension from other queer folks about our decision. My DP's father is adopted and struggled with wanting and not wanting to know about his bio parents - we decided that for our family, we really wanted to have that option available for our kid. Also, we really wanted to screw with nuclear/hetero/homo normative ideals about family - so we are open with almost everyone and say that if our kid wants a daddy down the road, so be it. For us, that doesn't negate that we are still his moms, still his parents and that he can have more than 2. Hey, the more parents the better, that is why we chose to be a queer family (we also realize we are in the privileged position of living in Ontario, Canada, where we can have the two of us on the birth certificate, and our parenting rights are protected).

We were also pretty clear that one reason we were using a KD was because we couldn't afford a clinic and anonymous donor sperm. Well, you can imagine the classist crap we got for that - "you know babies cost a lot of $$$! If you can't afford sperm, you'll never be able to afford a baby! you are bad parents for bringing a kid into this world if you can't even afford to buy sperm!" Woo! I was beside myself when that crap fell on us. I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I thought for sure other queers would think through the politics of class and how ideas like this marginalize lower income families. Guess I was wrong.

[matchterr]

What are some concerns/issues you have ran into using a KD? I'm currently looking for one and the biggest challenge so far is just finding one we can both agree on. We really do not wish to use a bank, frozen, or an AD. Just wondering what comes next really... I know there needs to be a contract, but other than that?

[anniedare]

We considered using a KD until I took an LGBT law class and promptly freaked out. Yes, it DOES happen that custody disputes go terribly awry, especially if your KD is straight and you are gay. And if you live in a state that's known for its...um...less than progressive legal system.

Anyway, like many others have said, it can work well for your family if it's right for you. I'm sorry you got treated like you were ignorant about a huge decision that probably took a lot of forethought. Tell them you've read the case studies, you've analyzed the family structures, and you trust in your KD and can't live life not trusting. Kudos to you, mamas.

[proudmamanow]

Simplelah, is there any chance that they themselves went the AD route & feel defensive about it? We used an AD because our only viable KD option fell through on us, but we struggled with the decision. I still struggle with it, though I am also grateful for our beautiful daughter & our family & am determined to get as much info for her as possible. I was just thinking maybe it's a defensive reaction...but no matter the reason, I'm sorry you met with such hostility which is completely unacceptable. I have seen many lovely KD & AD families which are healthy & happy...