Midwives, students this is not my thing

[time4another]

doulaing on my way to midwifery. It is so frustrating!!!!!! I feel tied down, I feel censored, I feel inadequate, I feel so so sad.
I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way...
Heather

[MidwifeErika]

I have had some real ups and downs being a doula. It can be so hard because the balance of power in a hospital is so different than at home. I love being in the role of an assistant or apprentice in a homebirth. It is so much harder providing hospital support in the way that sometimes it all feels pointless. Like you can prep and prep and prep for the birth to be natural and wonderful and have a certain feel to it... but that doesn't really hold true to the way that most hospital births work out so then I feel like I am selling a lie to these couples. Boy, reading this I sound really bitter.... and I am not, it can just be really hard to work like that. Like you say, it feels constricting and censored.... there is really so little you can REALLY do to change the outcome one way or another. But, it is also packed with good lessons. It is good for me to learn that sometimes I just have to let go because these people are making their own choices and their own paths. They need to do what is best for them and often those choices won't give me warm fuzzies. It is good to learn to not take on responsibility for their decisions. It is also a good lesson on trying to make the best out of any situation. But, it isn't always easy!

I am actually finding it a bit more enjoyable currently to work as a postpartum doula while training to be a midwife. I love pampering a new family and helping them find their way. The hours are easier too!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Being a doula is really hard. I gave it up, ftmp.

[Eli's_mommy]

Oh don't be sad! Maybe it's not your calling- I wouldn't stress about it! Do what makes you happy.

[mamallama]

I can't do it either. I learned so much in my brief stint (20-25 births.) Hotwings described it really well.

Personally, the most important thing I learned is exactly how broken the system is. I'm grateful to live in a time and place where emergency care is readily available...but to me, the evidence is clear and compelling that healthy moms and babies are better served in an out of hospital setting.

[MamaRabbit]

I hear ya! I only have 2 more cert. births to do and think that may be it for a while unless it's a repeat client or a low-income mama.

[etoilech]

I could never be a doula. I applaud those who do it. You have a thankless job and I am in awe of your work.

[Sileree]

I hear you, OP, and I agree with the previous posters.

In some ways, its easier for me emotionally to attend planned inductions or planned medicated births. Its not that I like them better, its just that when the mother doesn't expect a non-medicalized birth, she's not *as likely* (doesn't mean it won't happen) to be setting herself up for possible emotional trauma. . . Usually expectations are met: a medicalized birth with all the bells and whistles and technology, the doctor delivering the baby, yadda yadda. Its easier to protect the mother's psyche emotionally. I hope that makes sense. I feel like I can actually can help them get some great "extras" at their births like reassurance and support, delayed newborn exams and eye ointment, skin to skin contact, etc. . . Its not much (and I know, it shouldn't be enough ), but I concentrate on the fact that if Mom avoided a c-section, episiotomy, emotional trauma, she's happy, they're both healthy. . . then maybe I helped her get that at least. I concentrate on trying to help them have a HUMANIZED medicalized childbirth. I just don't believe in "all or nothing." I WISH all women would realize they could have more for themselves, but its what these women want, and I guess I am a rare person in that I can meet them where they are at. It sucks to see babies who won't nurse because they are passing out from the drugs their mothers were on and nurses yelling at my clients to shut up. . . I hear you. Especially after having doula'ed at a beautiful homebirth last spring.

The clients who want a natural birth, who believe THEY will not be cut, that nothing bad will happen to HER, that HER doctor will respect her birth plan, that they can can go "as natural as possible" without taking any childbirth preparation classes or practicing any techniques. . . those births are the closest to my heart, but I also sort of guard against it so I don't get hurt if things go badly. Their expectations are so high (really they ought to be, women deserve this!) it takes so much more out of me emotionally to try to protect this woman's emotional state and really, I can't when she won't stand up for herself. If I had to deal with that all the time, I might not be able to do this work either.

I definitely agree working in hospitals and attending hospital births has made me 100% sure I want a homebirth for my own children.

[Peppamint]

I'm so glad for the doulas out there... but when I pretty much had a panic attack after offering to doula for someone, I realized just how much I am not cut out for it. So I'm one of those student midwives who decided not to use becoming a doula as a stepping stone to midwifery.

I think if you can do it, it's great because doulas are very needed. But I would hate to think that anyone would think a midwife is less of a midwife for not having been a doula first.

[momileigh]

I only attended 2 births as a doula before I decided that I couldn't deal with being a doula, and that's why I went to midwifery school. I hated feeling powerless to stop the abuse and stupidity that goes on... I hated it when I had to choose the lesser of two evils instead of actually doing the right thing... I hated the looks and comments of doctors and nurses... I am a confrontational person, and doulaing just wasn't for me. I think women who can really doula are awesome and I owe SO MUCH to the two women who were doulas for me the first time around. If you can do it, great, but it isn't for everyone.

[cfiddlinmama]

Same here, don't feel called to be a doula at all. Kudos to those who can do it though! I don't have a problem being labor support for a friend, just couldn't do hospital births all the time at all....

[brandybehr]

I am right there with you. I started doula work again this year, had 6 births, last was on Saturday. No more, I can't do it. I am feeling the same way as all of you.

[JunipersMom]

I did a few births as a doula - and it took me three days to recover from the best of them. Its just so hard to be a voiceless advocate for people who willingly sign up for intervention by handing power to the staff. Thank goodness for those of you who can do the wonderful work.

[JustKiya]

I stopped doulaing as well, for all the reasons listed. I felt like I was selling them a lie - me being there might give them a 5% change of getting the birth that they wanted, not a 95% chance. I felt hogtied, generally useless, and honestly, I hated being thanked for doing so well, as they were prepping the mom for a section. I just - it broke my heart, a few times too many.

I think I'll just go straight into midwifery training, once I have one of my own...

[proudmamanow]

This is really an interesting thread. I am currently enrolled in CBI's doula & CBE training courses mainly as a biding time & getting my feet wet before applying to midwifery school...but I struggle with the idea of propping up a system I believe is broken.

[christyc]

Yowsas... This is what I'm afraid of.

For over a year now, I've been feeling a bit of a call into some sort of birth professional position, but wasn't sure whether as doula, midwife, or childbirth educator. I'm afraid I'd be useless as a doula at a hospital birth becuase it would drain me so emotionally, but know that those are the women who'd need doula support the most. Blah...

[Mamabeakley]

I am on the fence about this. I am teaching my first CBE class right now and I may end up doulaing for one or both of the couples. I have also been to a relative's hospital birth - and six home births including my own. I just don't know if I can do hospital births, emotionally and spiritually. But then again, I think I might be able to. I am a tough person, emotionally and spiritually. I have been through things that have made me strong. Maybe I can survive in that setting. And maybe I can reduce the harm it inflicts on normal, healthy mothers, fathers, and babies.

I'm pretty sure that's how *I* have to percieve birthwork. I'm not called to be a midwife. But I think that if I think of what I do as harm reduction (like handing out condoms or clean needles) rather than as salvation (like I'm going to "save" people from the system) I can maybe do it.

Or to use a more positive term, I need to think of what I am/would be doing as safety enhancement or something.

[momileigh]

Absolutely, positively give it a shot! You might be really good at it! And the women really need it. Like I mentioned before, my doulas changed my life forever. They are dearer to my heart than the midwives who attended my second birth. They didn't make my hospital birth perfect, but they made it 100% better than it would have been. Just because some of us can't hack it as doulas (meaning me) doesn't mean that others shouldn't try it.

[time4another]

I really just want to say thank you for being there. Sometimes, going through this journey it seems as though I am alone in the way I feel then I come here and find that I am not. I have the depest respect for those who can do the doula thing and not let 'it' get to them, I honestly do. I am glad to know its ok that I don't and that I don't need to love to be a doula to be a midwife.

This is what I learned this week:

In thinking all of this through, mulling it over in my mind for days, I get the distinct impression that there are as many ways to be a doula and as many different kinds of doulas as there are midwives or cbes or auto mechanics for that matter . And in whatever role I am in I need to find my own comfort level and that in turn will help me be the best doula, cbe, assistant/apprentice/student midwife I can be for my client (s). I need to learn to not judge myself on someone else's definition of doula and respect the other point of view. I need to realize that I am not everywoman's doula/cbe/midwife to be. I need to recognize that I have a professional and personal integrity to uphold. I need to understand that under my apprenticeship I not only need to hold up my own personal and professional values but those of my preceptor as well. I need to realize when my integrities are being threatened and identify ways to protect them, which in my case means not being a 'hospital X doula' because I see the mother as who I answer to, not hospital X, and I feel that I cannot do my doula job to my best abilities if I need to follow hospital X's "guidelines". I need to remind myself that there is no one clear path to midwifery and that's a good thing! I need to remember that I will get there, and whatever happens is happening because it is supposed to.

Heather

[onlyboys]

Here's the thing that keeps me going:

These women CHOOSE to have a careprovider who is going to be interventionist. You can encourage them otherwise, but ultimately, it's their choice.

I had a birth where the mama had a cesarean (my first, and my first medicated birth as well). She was set up for it--induction with low bishop score, etc. SHE CHOSE IT. I can't change that.

What I can change is the fact that she is treated with kindness and respect by me. I can change her partner's fear, I can help her navigate the interventions. I can make sure she understands what it is she's signing. But, the decisions are hers to make.

That said, I hate doulaling. Mostly because I adore out of hospital births.