Secret of Parenting by Wolf: discuss? - Page 2

[artgirl]

This book helped me understand my own childhood better and my relationship with my husband as well. Separating out the "baby self" and the "mature self" really simplifies things and helps make sense of the way we act sometimes. My own mother was NOT tolerant of my "baby self" when I was small and I think made me feel very bad about myself in that way... where she could have been nuturing. I really do not want to do that to my dd. I love the section called "two sided message" which says

This two-sided message says to your child that though the baby self may not always get its way and may at times need to be controlled, it is not bad and does not need to be stamped out. And this statement teaches the profoundly important lesson that all of the flawed, impulsive, babyish parts of children are not bad, but are just a part of being a child, of being human. As a result, children grow into adults who are not alienated from all the babyish, childish stuff within themselves. They accept these as part of being human, and they can accept these same flaws in others.

That to me is HUGE!

[Liz]

I'm part way through this book right now. I like the overall message but don't like his writing style. His examples make all kids sound like constant whiners and his "witty" delivery makes it seem like we shouldn't take any of their wants seriously. I don't think this is the message he wants to communicate but that's the way it comes across to me. My son is also only 3 so not a master whiner yet so maybe I would feel differently if I had an older child.

artgirl - the passage you quote was highlighted in my library copy so hopefully that message is getting through to most readers!

Coincidentally, I just read Siblings without Rivalry for help dealing with my son's relationship with his cousin. When one kid is picking on another they say to coach the picked on to express their feelings to the picker on and say in the picker on's earshot something complimentary like "and I know he/she will understand because he/she doesn't like to feel that way either" or "I know he/she's a really good listener" or "I know he/she is fair and you can work something out". It's worked really well for us so far.

[Piglet68]

Liz, yes that is what I thought, too, about his tone.

Since your child is around 3 years old, maybe you could try some of his techniques (like the standing-there-until-they-do-it thing) and letting us know if they work? Or is 3 still too young for that (I'm afraid I'm terribly ignorant about the ages ahead of my DD, lol).

[Liz]

I'll do that Piglet but he's being strangely cooperative lately.

I've been thinking about the disengaging thing allot and I remembered a success I had when ds was about 18 mos. He got into screaming for awhile. Actually he'd always been into screaming but it had been just a cool noise he could make (not so cool for us). He started doing it with a sneaky smile on his face which really pushed my buttons and I really lost it more than a few times. Then one day when I was changing his diaper and we were playing and tickling etc. he did it. I was so disappointed that he'd ruined this wonderful moment I just looked away and dropped all emotion from my face. I continued diapering like a robot, no eye contact, nothing, but I could really tell he was watching me very closely. He tested it a few times over the next few days and I reacted the same way each time then HE STOPPED SCREAMING! I was so proud of myself.

Anyway, this is now my number one piece of parenting advice. Learn to recognise when your child is trying to push your buttons and don't react. Not a seething, teeth clenched, stoney silence but just a calm, cool and collected silence. Or maybe one sentence saying you don't like what they just did but do not engage in the power struggle. I get strength from knowing I am not giving in to him even if I am cleaning up the mess I asked him to clean up because I am not getting mad and THAT is what he really wants.

This makes my son sound like a diabolical little brat and he really isn't. We just get into these vicious circles occasionally when something is stressing us out.

[z-girl]

I know that this is an old thread, but I'm finally reading the book now and remembered this thread. I agree that his approach could be interpreted totally differently if you weren't into GD. It might be easy to disengage with an attitude! My complaints are minor- I don't like how he calls the baby self "piggy" and I'd never leave my kids to tantrum alone in their room. I'm finding the disengaging approach to be really helpful. Sometimes I just forget to not continue things and Wolf's advice is really helpful.

Last night DD had a nightmare. She snuggled next to me, but long after she was conforted, she kept wanting attention (asking questions, kicking, etc). I decided to disengage, which I've never done in the night. I said goodnight, rolled over with my back to her, but with her spooned around me. When she asked more questions, or kicked more, I played asleep. She fidgeted, hemmed and hawed, and finally got bored or tired and went back to sleep, without me answering a million questions, rubbing her back, talking, etc. I don't mean to sound like I wouldn't help her if she needed me; I did comfort her when she was upset, but at 2.5, she can put herself back to sleep with me by her side. What a concept!

And tonight, DD wanted to do thing after thing before getting ready for bed. Instead of talking about all of them and prolonging the discussion, I just said, "It's time to get ready for bed," in response to each question. And she went to the bathroom with me and brushed her teeth.

I think his examples of the baby self's needs are really helpful and easy to relate too. We all have a babyself! It also helped me remember that I see the babyself the most and that DD is maturing in other worlds.

Anyone else reading or thinking about this book?

[famousmockngbrd]

OK, I know this is an old thread, but I want to throw my .02 in -

I was raised by my grandmother, and she used to do this. It drove me batty. From my perspective, I was raising valid points that were being totally ignored. I felt completely disregarded.

However, I will say that my grandmother and I did not have the best relationship so maybe that was a big part of the problem.