Another mama's gentle discipline is affecting my kiddo--WWYD - Page 12

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by Kennedyzoo

Well, I'm glad for that rzberrymom! It is extremely hurtful to have your child mischaracterized! I hope that overall this has been a helpful experience.

Yes, it's been helpful. heartmama gave me some good words to use with the mama, and I think it's true that these two kiddos shouldn't be around each other until they get a bit older--tricky considering our neighborhood, but not impossible.

The other mama is the non-violent communication guru in our community, so I know she's aiming to practice some sort of consensual living with her son. After this whole discussion, it has occurred to me that CL works very well within a loving, patient family, but it gets much trickier when practicing it within the bounds of a larger community. 1) My DD is not in a close, loving relationship with this woman and so is naturally not reassured by her attempts to reach a sort of CL solution. And 2.) I'm not convinced it's possible for this woman to have the level of empathy for another person's child that is necessary in order to reach a suitable CL solution.

Anyway, thanks you guys.

[Kennedyzoo]

Well, thank you Sunmama! I have been lurking for about 6 months but I'll try to poke my nose in a little more often!!! I just wish I had had this forum when I had little ones underfoot! But you're never too old to learn something new!!! At least I hope not!

[swampangel]

Someone above already mentioned this, but it does seem to be more about the dynamic between these two particular children. With my, now 4.5yo, there are certain kids he still has trouble with on playdates. It's mostly ok now, but there are definite combinations that are more prone to conflict.

A couple of thoughts:

1. If this is a tight-knit community, is it possible to have some ground rules in community areas? That way, any adult can guide their kiddos (and other kiddos) under the same general rules. (i.e., no hitting/shoving/pushing/etc. AND these are community toys and will be shared.)

2. I would really work on empowering your dd to assert herself in these situations. I think this is done best with modeling it for her initially. I.e., "This is dd's toy and she would like it back now. Let's find something else for you" or whatever. Simply asserting your dd's desires will empower her and teach her how to assert herself in those situations. And, IME, it's absolutely fine to take the toy from the boy if he is unable to give it to her himself...this can be done gently.

3. In the case of pushing her off of the tricycle, I would be very firm that we do not hurt one another. If his mother didn't step up to do this, I'd have no problem doing it myself. I'm a firm believer in the "it takes a village" philosophy and fortuntately my friends are on board with that. If, indeed, these ride on toys are for the community then I would have the boy hop off the trike and ask your dd for a turn when she's done.


One other thought...I have a feeling he was much more interested in the reaction that was caused by this toy in his hands rather than really playing with it. I'm totally assuming, but based on the OP's presentation of this situation it sounds more like the dynamic between these two rather than the specific incident. It sounds like this child needs boundaries and limits and also needs help understanding how his actions affect others. From the sounds of it, his mama is doing him a disservice by her lack of response to his aggressive behaviors.

What a tough spot to be in! I would try to focus on it more from a community perspective. I would step in with other children when boundaries are being crossed. I think you can model that for this other mama...she might appreciate it. I get the feeling she might have NO idea what to do in these situations...she might just welcome your input and help with it.

[swampangel]

Originally Posted by rzberrymom

The other mama is the non-violent communication guru in our community, so I know she's aiming to practice some sort of consensual living with her son. After this whole discussion, it has occurred to me that CL works very well within a loving, patient family, but it gets much trickier when practicing it within the bounds of a larger community. 1) My DD is not in a close, loving relationship with this woman and so is naturally not reassured by her attempts to reach a sort of CL solution. And 2.) I'm not convinced it's possible for this woman to have the level of empathy for another person's child that is necessary in order to reach a suitable CL solution.

That's intense. I'm really curious to hear form the CL practicers here as to whether or not this fits with their understanding of CL. What happens when another person's rights/desires/etc. are sacrificed in order to appease the other? This seems to be the case with the toy incident. I'm totally baffled by it.

Just like all of us, she's probably working it all through as she's going along. If you can get some distance between her child and yours, that would probably be best for everyone for awhile. We've done that with friends' kiddos who just aren't able to socialize in a way that we're comfortable with...and that's ok. I spend time with the adults alone (when I can!) and I know that some day we'll be able to reconnect more often.

Good luck with it...what a challenging situation. You've give us all a lot to think about with this thread!

[monkey's mom]

No way...if one person is hysterical and screaming, "NO! NO!" then you can pretty much guess that they're not consenting to the terms. And suggesting things like she empathize with her son is *I guess* one *possible* solution--technically--but wtf? That's so out there, I can't even imagine. How could you suggest that to any hysterical person?? But again, I don't think this woman is as committed to these philosophies as she is to getting her son what he wants at any given moment--because if it's coming at the expense of others then it's *not* CL.

[blessed]

Originally Posted by rzberrymom

...But the mama continued imploring my DD to have empathy for her son and to look at how important it seems to him and would my DD be willing to leave it with him. This went on and on and on..

I'm sorry if you already answered this. But how did it turn out? Did your dd get her toy, and if so, how?

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Wow - so much for going to be early tonight - just read this beginning to end and it was a great read.

Not sure anyone really needs my commentary on this but I offer it anyway:

Your DD was acting her age. The little boy was acting his age. And the other mother was, IMO, acting like a twit.

Sounds like it started off like a GD situation, but by the end she sounded like a powerless parent who was more interested in avoiding her son's upset than trying to solve a problem.

What would I have done? After staring at her in disbelief that she would suggest such an odd thing? Say to her "No... this is DD's toy and while I believe in teaching sharing, he's had his turn (because it sounds like it had been a little while...) and please get it back now." I likely wouldn't have taken it from his hands myself, but I would have made it very plain that it was time for her to be a grown-up.

[melissel]

Originally Posted by blessed

I'm sorry if you already answered this. But how did it turn out? Did your dd get her toy, and if so, how?

Here you go.

WOW. My blood is boiling just reading your posts. I don't know how you managed to stay calm in the face of that. When you said your daughter was so hysterical she was stuffing her fist in her mouth, I wanted to throw up : I'm really sorry you both had to deal with that. I think you've gotten amazing advice, and as usual, I so appreciate reading the intelligent and well-formed thoughts of the smart mamas on this board.