Community and Family in a world full of Networks

[phoebemommy]

I'm reading John Taylor Gatto's Dumbing Us Down, and I'm struck by his delineation of family and community from networks and institutions. It's so true: American society, especially in a city of several hundred thousand people, is all about networks and is severely lacking in true, substantial community.

My question is this: what specifically do you do to raise your homeschoolers in a community, when everything in our culture seems to be a network?

I'm thinking a lot about our approach to homeschooling (for ds, who is still only 15 months old), and I'm struggling with this one, but I think it's so important. We have strong extended family ties, but we live far from all of them. And we don't go to church or anything, and haven't really found our niche in this city, where we've lived for 3 years. Maybe we'll find community here eventually, but I don't want my and dh's tendency to be loners to isolate ds. And I'm not opposed to him being involved in networks, but I agree with Gatto that networks should be for specific purposes, and shouldn't be where you go when you crave human connection.

[3momkmb]

I haven't read the book so I don't know if I'm interpreting this right but....

I think you are going to find community as your child grows by the things they want to become involved in. I am finding that my childrn's interests often come with their own little *worlds* attached. There is a whole cheer society for instance and groups and clubs for kids (and their parents) who are involved with horseback riding. I'm not sure if those things would be considered networks though... Homeschooling itself has it's own community also.

I do have to say that some of the best community I've found came from a group I attended because I craved human contact. I originally started going to this group to get out of the house and have some grown ups to talk to and it has really evolved. Now I go because I love the group leaders, Kelsey has been volunteering in the child care room for years and has formed some nice friendships with the other *helpers*. I guess I don't see why that would be a problem?

[chfriend]

I haven't heard this distinction, but it hits on something I've been trying to figure out. I'll be lurking to hear more!

[lauradbg]

Our homeschooling group is a community. There is a core group of very active members, and some others who are less involved, but we all feel very well supported by one another and close and warm. We have exchanged babysitting for each other, borrowed vans to get big things, several of us cooked dinners for a sick member of the group. It's fantastic.

Ours is an all inclusive homeschooling group but the most active members are the unschoolers (as it happens) and so there's an additional comfort in many of us choosing the same even further "out there" path. Several of us have had homebirths, no vax, breastfeed forever, co-sleep, etc. We all know how we are different than most of our suburban counterparts, and it's wonderful to also know that we aren't alone in this way of living. None of us feels isolated or freakish. The kids all have made very strong friendships across different ages and interests and don't feel lacking in any way.

There are other homeschooling groups in the area, but they seem more about the academics than in trying to create a community. We all are involved in our own ways, as individual families, in how our kids are getting educated. We do go on field trips together, but they are to connect and explore the world more than they are mandated learning times. Our kids WILL learn, we can't stop that, but the value for most of us in the field trips is the shared experience and closeness it fosters within the group.

A very supportive network is the homeschooling conference I go to every year. I get inspired by the workshops and enjoy hosting one. Networks also can have a great value. They can offer information and support, but they do lack the intimacy of a community. I agree with that idea.

[Ruthiegirl]

I am not sure I understand the distinction.

Does this sound right? -----> Networking is what you do for profit and advancement? Community is what you do for emotional and spiritual connectiveness?

I feel like I used to 'network' when I was actively pursuing a career. I shook hands and volunteered for assignments, I went for drinks after work and chatted up everyone in the company. I did not really like these people, but understood that I needed these people if I wanted to advance and be successful. No judgement, no criticism -- this is just what you do when working for a big corporation. When I left that job, I left all of those people behind and have no desire to stay in touch with anyone.

What I do now is very different. I feel like I have a strong and deeply supportive 'community'. I find community everywhere we go these days. I live in a small town and that is a big part of it. I cannot leave my house with meeting people I know.

My neighborhood is a terrific place of community. We live on a very age-diverse street where someone is always home for us to chat with. My 4 year old will often slip his shoes on, walk down two houses and chat with the neighbor. He can usually be found on someone's front porch swing talking up the retired folks who live around us.

Wherever we go, we are surrounded by community -- the YMCA, LLL meetings, our Quaker Meeting house, the local CSA farm, our homeschooling group. It feels different to me, because I have an emotional and spiritual incentive to invest my time and energy into these groups.

Your son is 15 months? My experience has shown me that community grows as children grow. The early years are often lonely ones for families. There are just only so many places you can go with a small child.

But as kids get bigger, they are suddenly involved in activities and groups that lead to stronger community ties. And honestly, making friends while hoeing potatoes with our CSA farm friends is a lot more fun and more satisfying than those company dinners I used to attend.

[Ruthiegirl]

Or maybe I didn't get that right at all? Tell me more about 'networks'. I have trouble understanding that word outside of corporate-speak.

[cottonwood]

I think of a network (as opposed to 'network' as a verb) as simply a group of connections. It becomes a community when there's an emotional and spiritual component to it, and a feeling of belonging and security. Right now, our homeschooling group unfortunately feels very much like a simple network. I think you're right though, that will change as the kids get older and we're able to be involved in more things. I really believe also that the smaller the town, the easier it is to be part of a community. We've gone from a very big city to a medium-sized city to a large town, and with each move we've felt like we're getting closer. Not quite there yet, though.

[Ravin]

We're involved in the SCA. There's very much a sense of community in the Society. It's great.

[Einen]

I feel like I've been searching for a community of like-minded families (in respect to our AP/NFL ways) since dd1 was born. I've been to play groups, tried meeting people through MDC, "networked" at the YMCA nursery, etc and up until the past few months have made very little progress. I did pick up one good friend but didn't really get any community.

However, I have recently made some headway...I've got a small group of mamas who are all starting the homeschooling process and we've been meeting at least 2 times a month since the summer.

So I guess I'm an example to hang in there...it may take a while, but don't give up hope!

[lisarussell]

We participate in 4H and girl scouts. My girls spend a lot of time serving their community, whether they're playing chess at the retirement home or boxing canned food donations, raking leaves for the neighbors, collecting toys for the hospital, or putting together backpacks for kids who can't afford school supplies.

Being involved in our community helps the kids meet a lot of people. Wherever we go, we see people we know.

In a Girl Scout project, they learned about the historic buildings in our town. Learning the names of the people who founded our town almost 200 years ago helps them know where our street names came from, track their descendants, and feel more "connected" to our community.

We are NOT into church at all. Since we're in a small town, most people we know ARE religious, and that's been a source of alienation that binds us together as a family in a way. Having come from a bigger town, my kids didn't take long to notice that EVERYONE here is Christian. There are churches on every corner. It sometimes seems like people here can't do anything "nice" without crediting Jesus.

I havent' read that book in a long time, I don't even remember that aspect of it. I guess I"ll have to pick it up again (or truck my big old self down to the basement library and pull it off the shelf. Maybe THAT will make me go into labor)

[phoebemommy]

Thanks for all the interesting replies, everyone!

This sounds like a pretty good way to describe the distinction:

Originally Posted by Ruthiegirl

Does this sound right? -----> Networking is what you do for profit and advancement? Community is what you do for emotional and spiritual connectiveness?

Except that networks aren't necessarily about gain in Gatto's definition -- but they are to serve some specific purpose, often institutional. He also says that in a community you're considered a human being, whereas in a network you're more abstract: a member, or even a number.

But networks are often good things, he admits. His problem is really when people are so starved for community that they turn to their networks for community, and the result is unfulfilling and awkward. An example he gives is a college dorm. It feels like a community, it's even called a community, but as soon as the year's over you and your dormmates have little use for each other. Another example is when a corporate workplace calls itself a "family", when in truth you're going home alone after work, and when you go through rough times, your colleagues, for the most part, aren't really there for you in any significant way.

I'm glad to hear that community grows with the child. And I definitely think we're in that lonely phase where we can't do much with a toddler. We have interests in a lot of things in our city, but ds is, well, a toddler, doesn't sit still, makes noise, pulls things off shelves. We can't really explore our interests for another couple years. We have a playgroup, but it feels like a network attempting to be a community. Or maybe it's just not the right community for us. Another thing I'm realizing is that the demographic of people who happened to have had babies within the same general time frame that I did is a really limited group, and not necessarily the people I want to be forging bonds with. I'm also looking into homeschool groups, and thinking about starting my own.

Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts!

[AngelBee]

Very interesting thread :