5 year old too social for homeschooling?

[mamabike]

Hi everyone,
I had always thought I would homeschool my son but now I'm having doubts.

A little background....
Children must be 5 years old by October 1st here to go to kindy. My son has a Oct 27 bday so we have an extra year to decide.

My 5 year old son is almost on the autism spectrum. He has been assessed three times and they always say "Well, he doesn't meet all the criteria for autism because he is too imaginative and social, BUT...." So, he is wonderfully unique and quirky and sensitive. A year ago he wanted nothing to do with other children. He was terrified of his same age peers and would yell "No! Go away!" at other kids. Fast forward to this summer/autumn - all of a sudden he is craving, and I mean really craving, interaction with other kids.

He goes to preschool two afternoons a week. This is a special integrated preschool with an autism program. Most of the kids who attend are neurotypical, and a few have autism. He loves it there. Since he doesn't have an official diagnosis, he doesn't qualify for any special needs services but the resource teacher works with him a bit anyways and he benefits from their general expertise. He talks about the kids he plays with at preschool all the time. In an imaginary friend sort of way, they attend our meals, sleep next to him in bed... He does have other friends but as he is getting older, it is harder to make those connections because most kids his age are in school. Unlike the west coast of Canada, homeschooling is very rare here.

We are already doing homeschool activities. We have a morning circle time, yoga, story, painting, crafts, special activities, outings... I do all that I can to make sure his "at home" life is fun and enriching. He has started to say things like "I like circle time at preschool better than your circle time Mama. It's more fun because there are lots of other children to play with."

There is an amazing private school here. It's the Shambhala school and the only one of its kind. We have already gone there for a mother and tot program. They "get" Kieran there. They percieve his autistic tendancies as a unique gift rather than a disability. It's kind of Waldorf, funded by Buddhist monks but not religious, non-profit, class sizes of 18 max, affordable (as these things go), calm environment...etc

But, my husband is a scientist with the military and we are supposed to move to Colorado Springs or Vancouver BC this spring. We are very far away from friends and family here and had never intended to stay more than a few years. The people here are wonderful but the weather is well, lousy, for six months of the year. If we are going to decide to stay for the sake of my kids going to Shambhala we have to decide very very soon, before my husband signs his orders.

Sorry, I'm starting to ramble. Do we give up our dream of living on the west coast (or at least closer) where we both grew up and have family/friends to allow my son to go to a wonderful school? Other concerns...my son has a weak immune system. He gets every illness going and then is sick for a month. Plus, although he loves socializing with other kids, he isn't very good at it yet. He doesn't understand the nuances of social interaction and sometimes says unusual things. I know he would be a bully target in a regular public school. I'm not sure if bullying would be as much of a problem at a small, "natural family living" school.

Please help me clarify my thoughts. I am very sleep deprived and having hard time thinking straight!

Thank you so much.

[Ravin]

Personally, I'd see about setting up some playdates with his fave preschool chums, go ahead and move to the West Coast (where family will be a good part of his social circle, I would assume), and find a good homeschooling group to get active in, and/or perhaps an enrichment program or some classes where he can interact with other kids (sports, martial arts, art, music, whatever he's interested in).

If anything I would be MORE cautious about sinking a sociable child into a peer-oriented environment too soon than I would an introverted one. Ever read Hold On to Your Kids?

[LeBoof]

Agree

I have to agree...I'd be more cautious about sending a child to a school program who has health issues and is still learning social nuances than I would about going ahead and moving and homeschooling. If you know the area you'll be moving to you might look into a Waldorf (or similar) co-op homeschool group that has kids about the same age. This way he could still learn the social skills to be around other kids his age, make friends and have fun stuff like circle time with other kids, but without the stress of being in a large school situation and you'd be able to follow your own dreams.

[lisarussell]

we homeschool for social reasons.

Especially with my social-obsessed 10 yr old who insists upon befriending everyone she sees, and knowing everyone personally.

I don't want mer mixing on a social level with every kid in the class. There is so much insanity and abuse going on nowadays, I don't want MY kids to have to deal with what goes on in the homes of their peers. And they do.

Children with superior social intelligences deserve to develop in the safety and comfort of their home.

No child should have to deal with all of the ills of society that can befall ONE classroom, simply because their inborn social needs demand they "get to know" everyone. The weight of the world does not need to be on their shoulders.

Additionally, early exposure to the horrible elements of society teaches kids that that's OK. They HAVE to come to grips with the evils of the world because otherwise they're constantly torn apart with grief because their friend's parents are divorcing, their friend's brother is in jail, their friend's parents bicker constantly... Those things are NOT acceptable, and a normal happy child from a healthy home shouldn't be forced to contend with them.

Childhood ends too soon already.

[mamabike]

Thank you so much everyone for your insight. I think setting up more playdates with his friends here, instead of relying on twice weekly preschool afternoons, is a good start.

You're right too, that the west coast will offer far more in the way of homeschooling groups and coops than here. Once we move, we should be able to set up socialization opportunites more easily. Plus, we will have a little more money to be able to enroll him in music classes or art or ...

The thought of staying here - permanently - weighs heavily on my heart. I would do anything for my son, but if he would be better off homeschooled, then we will be able to move back west. When I ask him, he does indicate that he would rather stay home and learn kindergarten from me then go to school all day, every day.

[JeniferS]

There are other schools and programs (for example in Phoenix, we have the Melmed Center) out there so depending on where you would move, you may be able to find something different that will fit his needs just as well.

My son suddenly became a social animal at 4yrs old. Because of this we decided to send him to school for kindergarten. Well, he did love the social aspect of school...a little too much. He started learning some bad habits and qualities. For this (and other reasons) we pulled him out for homeschooling.

Good luck with your decision. I know it is hard. But, just know that with a mom as pro-active and caring as you, he will do well with whatever decision you make.

[Ruthla]

I wouldn't stay where you are, where you're not happy, just because you're near a school that might work well for him. What if this school ends up not working out after all? Then you've abandoned your dreams of moving close to your family for nothing?

Your child will be happy where your'e happy. Move to where you need to be, and you'll find appropriate services or homeschool groups or whatever works out to be in his best interests.

[TEAK's Mom]

Personally, I love homeschooling. Just thought I should put that out there in the name of disclosure.

I have a 5.5 year old dd who started wanting a little more social time this year, so we enrolled her in a dance class that interested her. She has had a lot of fun and met some really nice kids. It fills that niche and also lets her pick and chose the people with whom she would like to create more of a relationship. That sort of thing might be an option for your ds.

Homeschooling makes moving easier because you have infinite flexibility.

[mamabike]

Thank you again , everyone, for your thoughts. I know this month has been particularly boring at our house because my kids have been sick with a stomach flu for three weeks. We thought it was a food allergen but now my kids are being tested for giardia. Both of them have been tired and cranky and our regular routine has been disrupted. I think all of this has added to the feeling that my son is not getting enough play time with other kids.

After talking about it this evening, Dh and I are once again feeling that homeschooling would be a good fit for our son and we are looking forward to moving out west, closer to family - and more homeschoolers

[SquibsNCrackers]

Originally Posted by lisarussell

we homeschool for social reasons.

Especially with my social-obsessed 10 yr old who insists upon befriending everyone she sees, and knowing everyone personally.

...snip ...

Children with superior social intelligences deserve to develop in the safety and comfort of their home. (bolding mine)

...snip

: My middle child is extra social, helpful, and personable. She befriends anybody and everybody instantly, and just LOVES people!

Therefore, people frequently say, "oh, but SHE of all your kids SHOULD go to school." I say SHE of all my kids is best served by NOT being in school. A child of her outgoing, talkative, initiating, team-oriented, friendly nature would be squelched in a classroom where sitting quietly at one's desk and raising one's hand to speak are key skills, and where helping others is called cheating. She'd want to lead, instruct, organize and manage the crowd -- all of which are the teacher's job. She'd be a magnet for fun and play ... which is more likely to earn her a "troublemaker" label than an Outstanding in citizenship.

Besides, she loves people - all kinds of people of all different ages. She has a much greater opportunity to interact with those people spending her day out and about or at home with our family than she would sitting in a classmate with her age-mates.

OK, rant over. I see you've already decided to go for moving to where you'd be most happy, and I second the pp who said your ds will be happiest where his mom/family is happiest. Just wanted to refute what is, imo, a common misconception about extra-social children and school.

[jrcronewillis]

My DS, 5, is also uber-social. He enjoyed his time at preschool very much, especially the friends he made. Ironically, I've found that the social time DS has as a homeschooler is much richer than what he had at school--even with his friends from the neighborhood/preschool. Instead of having vaguely social time in classroom, DS gets to spend hours playing with friends--one-on-one or in one of his homeschool groups. I've been so pleased with both the quantity and quality of friend-time homeschooling has offered us!

Juliette

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by peatmom

: My middle child is extra social, helpful, and personable. She befriends anybody and everybody instantly, and just LOVES people!

Therefore, people frequently say, "oh, but SHE of all your kids SHOULD go to school." I say SHE of all my kids is best served by NOT being in school. A child of her outgoing, talkative, initiating, team-oriented, friendly nature would be squelched in a classroom where sitting quietly at one's desk and raising one's hand to speak are key skills, and where helping others is called cheating. She'd want to lead, instruct, organize and manage the crowd -- all of which are the teacher's job. She'd be a magnet for fun and play ... which is more likely to earn her a "troublemaker" label than an Outstanding in citizenship.

Besides, she loves people - all kinds of people of all different ages. She has a much greater opportunity to interact with those people spending her day out and about or at home with our family than she would sitting in a classmate with her age-mates.

OK, rant over. I see you've already decided to go for moving to where you'd be most happy, and I second the pp who said your ds will be happiest where his mom/family is happiest. Just wanted to refute what is, imo, a common misconception about extra-social children and school.

You just described my older son. I have had two different adults jokingly tell me that he is like the "mayor of the street" when we are out and about.

I have sometimes fallen prey to the line of thinking that if he is so social he should be in school. But then I remember what the reality of that would mean - getting in trouble for talking, being frustrated about following all the classroom rules instead of making up his own, being confined to a single age group to socialize with, lack of exposure to adults, older children and younger children, etc.

So I keep reminding myself that homeschooling what allows his natural personality to shine through - he is free to stop and chat with whomever he pleases, pretty much whenever he wants. Of course, sometimes this is more amusing than anything - yesterday he told some random guy on the street that if you buy a christmas tree too early, it will dry out and become a fire hazard.

[mamabike]

Thank you for your reassuring words, Oceanbaby. Your older son sounds a bit like mine. Your son's comment about Christmas tree safety made me laugh. My son is captain safety around here. It is so cute! I never have to worry about him riding his bicycle without a helmet or climbing up on a shelf.

[muse]

mamabike, i know of the shambhala school you're referring to and can understand why you feel torn. hey, i've thought about moving from CA to halifax juts to send my kids to that school!

BUT having moved a ton with kids I'd say you need to be living where you wnat to be and where your work is and THEN figure out the school situation that works best, rather than stay/move somewhere specifically for a school.

The sickness factor is also huge; we were in the Uk for 2 yrs where we were all sick all the time and didn't get outdoors a whole lot. Here in CA we're pretty much always healthy, always outdoors and my kids thrive physically.

I'm guessing vancouver, BC has some great homeschool and school options, if that's where you end up? And you're lucky your son is young, no rush for any big decisions or changes.