2nd time around and scared

[LaurenS]

I'm 35 weeks today and this is my second pregnancy. My first was 5 years ago and was also a homebirth. I am not afraid of homebirth, just the birth in general. I am posting it here because I happen to be having a homebirth.

Last time I lived in a town where I didn't know anyone and spent most of my pregnancy depressed. I was really scared during labor but didn't really realize it until after the birth. I had a bad tear because I was rushing to get my baby out quickly. This time, I live in a community where I have friends. I have not been depressed at all during this pregnancy. My birth attendant also happens to be a friend this time who is a really calm person. For the last 35 weeks, I have thought to myself that this labor will go so well and that this time I will be able to relax. Last time I was afraid my midwife would transfer me to the hospital. That's why I was rushing. This time I don't have that fear. But lately I have been having dreams about the birth, and I guess since it's so close, I've come to realize that I am really scared this time too. Scared of the pain, tearing, etc. And I know I really need to calm down. I thought because I have had one birth experience, I wouldn't be scared at all, but that is just not true.

So if you experienced fear the second time around, how did you calm yourself down?

Thanks

-Lauren

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Well, for me, I got rid of the source of my anxiety (birth attendant). Once I knew that I was in control, the rest flowed more easily. I never got over my anxiety about the pain 100%, because it DOES hurt, for me anyway. But I knew I could handle it as I had done it before in a much harder situation (hospital birth), and once labor started all my fear evaporated.

[angington]

Have you tried any of the hypnosis for childbirth methods? I practiced with the HypBirth cds and found them to be really relaxing in general.

[LaurenS]

Thanks for your responses.

This time, I know I feel more comfortable with my birth attendant. He's not the source. I guess I know that I can't be without pain as I know I will feel some. I was going to use some hypbirth tapes that a friend lent me. But then she got pregnant and needed them back. I have another friend who is not pregnant. I will ask her if I can borrow her tapes. I did just request a Hypnobirthing book from my library today when I realized how freaked out I am.

-Lauren

[snanna]

I had a lot of these same feelings in my second pregnancy. My advice: Talk, talk, talk, and talk some more. Acknowledge your feelings. Walk yourself through the birth process and through your first birth, and try to pinpoint the issues that are getting to you. See what strategies you can come up with to deal with those issues IF they come up again-- which they probably won't, but having a plan can put the anxiety to rest. Know that your fears are important and are trying to tell you something. The more you shove them away, the more power they have!

Are you planning on having a doula at your birth? It was an enormous help to me to have someone there who could help me work through these feelings before (and during) the birth in a safe and reassuring way.

Wishing you a beautiful birth!

[tammyswanson]

The way I would look at it (not planning on any more kiddies) is, when you don't know what to expect, the pain is usually worse. When you know what to expect, you can brace yourself for it mentally, which can actually help with the pain.

[flapjack]

I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, but I do think that this is, to an extent, a necessary part of pregnancy that you have to go through. It seems that a lot of time at 34-36 weeks, women have a brief spell, sometimes a bad midwives appointment that leaves them convinced that they're going to be transferred against their will, that the birth is somehow going to go wrong, that disaster is looming, is imminent, is just around the corner.The dreams get darker, almost as if you're acting out your worst possible scenarios to prepare yourself for the worst. And then comes that point where you start feeling full-term, and like it's going to be any day now, and you know that you are ripe and ready to go, and the worry stops and is replaced by excitement. In a way, it's the emotional signposts of labour, circling around again and again during pregnancy and the lows get darker as time progresses.
The strength to get through this dark time lies inside you. You can try hypnobirthing, but you ARE a birthing goddess. Your body is made to do this, and your body will bring your baby out to your arms when the time is right.
. It's not going to be long now.

[alllyssa]

I've had a lot of anxiety about my upcoming birth as well and I'm preggo with #6 (I hope that doesn't freak you out even more :-). In fact, up until very recently, I wouldn't even think about the actual birth. If it popped into my head, I'd think about something else, it just gave me the total willies!

My last birth is still very fresh in my mind (it hasn't even been 2 years) and it was probably my most painful (although fastest, that might have had something to do with it) labor. I keep thinking about the pain, and my tear (which was glued and every time I sat, it pulled my pubes - I thought I would die!).

I'm planning to get out of a semi-sitting position for this delivery (and hopefully not tear) and we have a new deep enough jacuzzi bathtub that I'd like to spend some time in and maybe have my first waterbirth.

I just wanted to say that yes, birth hurts, but we can both do it. WE BOTH WILL DO IT! And as soon as the baby is born, we'll both feel so much better. I can say this and think this now. Good thing because I'm a day past my official EDD.

I'll let you know how it goes!

[LaurenS]

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and support. I needed to hear them. Life has been so crazy lately, that I don't seem to have time to talk birth fears. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I read lots of birth books and discussed things with my husband. I need to do that again. I ordered a lot of birthing books through interlibrary loan and should be getting them soon. Hopefully I will start discussing things.

alllyssa- It's been 5 years since I've given birth. And I had a bad tear. That was my fear last time and it happened. So of course it is my fear this time. So I have to ask, what do you mean about glueing your tear? Is that a new procedure? Just curious if this is a better option that stitches in the event I tear again.

-Lauren

[Mama Poot]

My first birth was a horrendous hospital birth, complete with pitocin augmentation, a huge dose of memory-damaging Stadol ( thanks, Stadol! Now I can't even remember my own phone number sometimes!) a 2cm pubic symphasis separation, 20 hours of back labor, and a posterior-born baby. After that terrifying experience, I vowed I would rather die in a pool of my own blood on my bedroom floor than return to a hospital. Through my second pregnancy I was nervous, but determined. We were very poor through the 2nd pregnancy, moved to a small town but at least we had family there. Even more nerve racking was my despair at not knowing what I was going to do for the birth. I pre registered with the community hospital around 25 weeks, but kept thinking "why did I do that?". I began preparing for an unassisted birth at home, researching, reading, learning what supplies I needed, tutoring DH about basic delivery stuff and resuscitation. Finally, through an MDC member, I was able to track down a midwife at 34 weeks into the pregnancy. As it turned out she only lived ten minutes away from us! I didn't have the guts or desire to have a UC so I was grateful to have her. I spent what little time I had left changing my attitude about birth and firmly decided to ditch the fear. When I woke up in labor, I was excited! It was only 5:30am but I called everyone I knew to tell them. I was never scared during Henri's birth, either.
I also did things to prevent the problems I had the first time around. I did exercises like pelvic tilts to ensure proper positioning of the baby-and I did them religiously and believe they worked. I spent lots of time in squatting positions, like when I was outside gardening, to strengthen my muscles in hopes that I wouldn't get the pubic separation again. And I didn't ( but honestly that had more to do with birthing in the correct position )

so basically what I'm saying here is- don't be scared!!! You've done it before, and in harder circumstances than you're in now. Enjoy this time and enjoy your birth!

[alllyssa]

My midwife glued my tear instead of using stitches. I've heard of Drs. doing this instead of stitches elsewhere on the body as well. I think it is a medical grade "super glue", but I'm not 100% sure about that. In my opionion, if I tear again, I'm getting stitched. My tear wasn't all that bad - maybe a 1/2 inch or so (I couldn't see it very close with the mirrow - maybe a bit bigger), bit the glue was HELL. Hopefully, I won't have to worry about that tho :-)

Still no baby - it's my first time being "overdue",

[dubfam]

Hey,
I was having a lot of anxiety about my upcoming birth. I also had a homebirth nearly 5 years ago, but I still remember that it hurt a lot!

I read Ina May's book "Guide to Childbirth" and it has really helped me. I have gone from being fearful to feeling empowered and excited. She has an amazing way of talking about women's bodies that makes me feel so confident in my abilities to give birth and survive the pain.

I really recommend it. I was surprised how much it helped me.

[Maltagirl]

I'd recommend reading as many birth stories as you can ... I know those really energize me and remind me that I'm making a good choice and I feel empowered by the strength of the women who share their stories.

I think there is a certain amount of fear involved no matter how confident you are, but big mental or emotional blocks can lead to labor dystocia -- maybe writing or talking about your concerns, or mentally rehearsing the birth of your dreams will help you? Another good technique I've heard is to write down everything negative you feel and destroy the page in a ceremony -- either with a friend or someone you trust or your midwife...burn the page, throw it in the river, shred it, whatever you need to do.

I am ready to go at any moment here (I hope!), but I've definitely been experiencing my own measures of ambivalence and fear/worry. Not necessarily about the birth, but I'm coming up with all sorts of things to worry about. I try to remind myself how much I want to meet this baby and how happy I'll be when it's finally here in my arms!

Good luck to you!

[LaurenS]

This thread is really helping me. Keep the tips coming. It's funny, I started reading Ina May's book "Guide to Childbirth" yesterday. So far, I am reading the birth stories and it is helping. Just hearing the positive. Our culture is filled with negative birth stories. That and people treating pregnant women like we are so fragile. I'm tired, but not fragile. Our life has been crazy busy lately with me working and my husband off at conferences. But things are starting to slow down and I have started talking to my husband about my fears. We have a lot to cover. That and I really want him more involved this time in the birth. He was there last time of course, but he wasn't so involved. He says he needs me to tell him what to do. In labor I can't really do that. So this time I have to really get it in my head of what I want him to do before I go into labor so that I can communicate with him. I don't plan on having a doula, I don't know if that would help me. I just need someone to acknowledge the hard work and pain I am experiencing. I don't think it has to be someone who has felt it before necessarily.

Maltagirl and alllyssa, have you had your babies yet?

[alllyssa]

No baby yet and I've never been late so everyone is calling and asking about it. I officially told everyone early December, but let all the important people (I guess I have a LOT of important people) that my EDD was 11/28. I should have known better. I've heard all the stories of going overdue and how much you get bugged, but didn't think it would be me :-)

I told my DH today that late is EXACTLY what I need to be. I really need to be sick of being pregnant (I'm not yet) in order to want to face this birth and be willing to go thru the pain.

And I keep secretly hoping that I'll just have one big contraction and push the baby out in the hallway

[Maltagirl]

No baby for me yet, either. I'm not officially "late" yet, though. My due date (and I did natural family planning so I'm very certain about dates) is 12/9 which puts me at 39w1d right now (almost 2d). I had my daughter at 38w6d and my son at 39w6d so it's not like I'm out of my realm of possibilites here. My son was a big baby and I was sort of hoping to go a bit earlier with this one to avoid the issues I had during and after his birth. I guess the baby has other plans.

I have been having contractions on and off for the last 3 days. I just feel like I'm in a holding pattern now. As much as I want to enjoy the end of this pregnancy (it will probably be my last baby, even though I'd love to have a 4th), the waiting is starting to wear me down a bit.

I'm editing to say that I actually sort of like labor. My memories of the last two were very good and empowering. It's not the laboring that gets me anxious, it's other stuff.

[alllyssa]

Baby Khloe is here!

I just wanted to share our happy news with everyone. Khloe Hope was born this morning at 10:15am into her daddy's hands. My first waterbirth! After Klara's very painful labor still fresh in my mind (she's only 22 mos.) I had a lot of anxiety, but everything went much better than I thought it would.

My water broke at about 1:30am and I had on and off contractions (mostly off, very short, and long spaces in between) until about 8am with things got intense. My midwife missed the birth, but her assistant and back up midwife did make it.

Khloe weighed 7 lb. 12 oz. and she nursed like a champ on and off for almost 2 full hours after she was born.

I'll try to figure out how to send pictures soon.

[LaurenS]

Congratulations Alllyssa. I'm glad things went well.

-Lauren

[ollineeba]

Congratulations on the birth of baby Khloe!