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Dating a possible prisoner - Page 2

post #21 of 70
I am sorry, and I have to tell you I think most abusers are savvy enought to know when you are testing the waters and able to pass w/ flying colors. They are likely to wait til they get lazy or know you don't have any way to escape to escalate to overt abuse.

Can you run his name on the local state court site?
post #22 of 70
this whole thing seems really weird and off. there is nothing that makes this sound like a good situation.
post #23 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
Can you run his name on the local state court site?
Very good idea! What state are you in? You can usually do a search for "Department of Corrections" and find the database. Let me know if you need help.
post #24 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Authentic_Mother View Post
Contact CPS. Just tell them about the guy and that you want to make sure that your son is safe and have them run the background check. They should do it for free and be happy to do so because it does show your care for your son!
I think this is a bad idea. If CPS finds him "unstable" and she chooses to stay with him anyway, she's at risk of losing her DS by "putting him in harm's way."
post #25 of 70
If you stay with this guy, how would you feel if he did something terrible to your child?? I just finished reading about the mother in Texas (and her boyfriend) who had her 2 year old's body wash up on shore! GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD. I also read a study that says the most abusive men who hurt/kill kids are usually not biological fathers. Not always true of course, but it's the majority of the time.

You can find a nice guy without multiple DUI's. (oh, and that rhymed too!)
post #26 of 70
Trust your instinct.
Something is wrong, get away now.
post #27 of 70
Run. Run. Run. dont walk.

i could put links here for story after story about BF killing their GF children. it just happened with "baby grace" that baby found in a bin in tx.
please RUN far away.
NOW
post #28 of 70
Red flags all over the place, Mama. Listen to your gut.

You know something is wrong, you wouldn't have posted here otherwise.

Listen to your gut. trust your instincts.

Do you have someplace else to go? If you do, go there as soon as possible. If you don't, start finding one. Try posting in your tribal area if need be. You need a plan, and I think you know it doesn't include this guy.
post #29 of 70
ok, everyone seemed to skip over this, but....he had hallucinations and then got paranoid that you put sleeping pills in his drink. Can we say "paranoid schizophrenia?" Look into it.

Everyone has some good in them, but he sounds off. You're questioning it. It's only been 4 months and he's talking marriage (not a huge sign, but not that normal either).

Four months is not a very long time to date. You have your son to consider, so if you have even a slight suspicion that this guy might be trouble, then you should cool it off. Cool it off a little and see what happens. He'll either stalk you and scare you, or he'll let you go. Then, you can see. You never really know a guy until you break up with him.

Lisa
post #30 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mtnmumma View Post
I am quite firm with him and he seems to not react aggressive towards me when I stand up and demand he agree with me.
This statement above sounds like you are talking about a child. He is a grown man and, although, he might not be aggressive or seem to agree with you NOW, it could all change in an instant.

Btw: You should not have to "demand" something from your loved one.

In reading your posts, it almost sounds as though you are trying to "save" and/or change him. You CANNOT change a person.

If you want to "save" someone...save that child of yours from a potentially dangerous situation.

The moment you feel like you might need to look for the signs of a potential abuser is the moment where you should be getting out of there.

The crazy paranoia episode would have been enough for me to high-tail out of that relationship.

Your child does not deserve this drama and potentially harmful situation.
post #31 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mtnmumma View Post
When he got the DUI he was also enrolled in the Army, they kicked him out.
I asked my gf's husband, who is an officer in the Army, if a simple DUI would result in a solider being kicked out.

He said that the likelihood of someone being kicked out of the military for a simple DUI is very, very slim. UNLESS...there was a death or severe injury to another party as a result of his/her driving under the influence.

Doesn't sound like you are getting the complete story here.
post #32 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa Lubner View Post
Sorry, just a side note, but... shouldn't these things be givens rather than extraordinary?? I really think we (as women) short change ourselves when we settle for mediocrity. Demand better for yourself. There are plenty of good men out there who will do these things without the whole off-ish gut feeling.
: As I was reading through OPers list I just kept thinking "yeah, so?". It would never ever occur to me to stay with a guy because he doesn't call me fat. Ummm... that's a given. You don't call someone you love names and cut them down. Period. He accepts your hair legs. Wonderful. What does that have to do with him refusing to take your CHILD to the ER when he was hurt?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FancyD View Post
This is just me, but this is a deal breaker. If I tell someone my kid needs to go to the hospital, the only answer is "I'll get the car". Period. I think you're really making excuses for him.
: Exactly. Don't ever question me when I say my child needs to go to the hospital. If anyone, ever, told me my child didn't need to go to the hospital after I said he did I would be out of there so fast...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I think this is a bad idea. If CPS finds him "unstable" and she chooses to stay with him anyway, she's at risk of losing her DS by "putting him in harm's way."
Well, if she leaves her child in a situation when she knows he's at risk of being hurt by this man..... I can't say I would have too much sympathy for her. Sorry, but just knowing CPS is watching could be enough to get her to get her ds out (if this man is, indeed, a danger... which we don't know).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
The moment you feel like you might need to look for the signs of a potential abuser is the moment where you should be getting out of there.
Exactly. Couldn't have said it better. You're questioning it. You know something is wrong. Don't wait for something terrible to happen. Get you and your child out now. What if the next episode, the one you claim you'll leave if it happens, is bad enough to severely injure or kill your child? Do you really want to stick around and see how bad the next one is?
post #33 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I think this is a bad idea. If CPS finds him "unstable" and she chooses to stay with him anyway, she's at risk of losing her DS by "putting him in harm's way."

What a weird thing to say. I would hope CPS would be interested if a child is living with an abuser. Holy heck.
post #34 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post

If you want to "save" someone...save that child of yours from a potentially dangerous situation.

The moment you feel like you might need to look for the signs of a potential abuser is the moment where you should be getting out of there.

The crazy paranoia episode would have been enough for me to high-tail out of that relationship.

Your child does not deserve this drama and potentially harmful situation.


When you have a child you forfeit the right to feel out a relationship that has any signs of
turning abusive. When we were single, we were caring for only ourself, and we may have
given more time to a relationship that seemed off (even if we knew then it wasn't in our
best interest). Now that we're mothers, we have to keep our child's safety as a #1 priority.
There is no reason at all to stay in a relationship that seems so off. There are far too many
signs here. Once you have that "oh no" feeling, that's when it needs to end. Even if you
turned out to be wrong, and this man is a good person, you can't take that chance any more,
once you have any doubt, it's time to walk. It's not like your not sure about the relationship
cause he's not as neat as you would like, or he has an odd habit of chewing on his lip. He is
showing signs of being abusive. This isn't about his feelings or your feelings, this is about the
safety of your child. That's just how I feel on this issue.
post #35 of 70
One would need a minimum of two DUIs to "not promote" and three to get "kicked out" of the military.

More than that though - just get away - this person is obviously a danger and your gut is showing us and telling you!
post #36 of 70
He doesn't have to be mean all the time to be bad news for you. Dangerous people can be charming.

One of my favorite books about protecting children is The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker. There's no religion or spirituality in the book. This book is about keeping children safe at all age levels. In the book, De Becker mentions that a parent must be very slow to introduce strange people into their child's life and very quick to remove someone who might be a potential abuser. Listen to your intuition. Clearly you're feeling uneasy about this guy. That part of it is coming through in your posts. Please take the message from your intuition seriously. It's your built in warning signal. You sound like you want desperately to believe this man but your story shows many red flags.

I would check on this man's background just to be safe. Look him up on your state's sex offender registry. You don't know if he has such an offense. Don't take his word for it. Remember he has nothing to lose by lying to you and everything to gain.
post #37 of 70
want to say that i think it is a very BAD idea to do a check on this man. He has paranoid hallucinations.....if he finds out she is checking on his background what will he do?

oh, mama, i really hear that you like him. I really hear all you said, and i know it sucks to leave for what ifs......but your instinct is telling you he is off.......and the mamas here are feeling it loud and clear.

please don't chance this. please don't wait to see if there is a next time.
post #38 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by ediesmom View Post
want to say that i think it is a very BAD idea to do a check on this man. He has paranoid hallucinations.....if he finds out she is checking on his background what will he do?
.
Well, if he's a normal guy, he would understand why the mother of a small child would want to make sure that her new serious boyfriend has a clean record. Being scared of someone's reaction is NOT a valid reason not to check someone out. And besides, why does he even have to know? She can find plenty of information with just his name and date of birth. It's not like she needs his permission to check.
post #39 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants View Post
Well, if he's a normal guy, he would understand why the mother of a small child would want to make sure that her new serious boyfriend has a clean record. Being scared of someone's reaction is NOT a valid reason not to check someone out. And besides, why does he even have to know? She can find plenty of information with just his name and date of birth. It's not like she needs his permission to check.
does he really seem like a normal guy to you? :
post #40 of 70
Exactly! All the more reason to try to find out as much as possible!
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