Should I tell the truth or spare her feelings?

[e.naomisandoval]

--

[CNutty]

I think you should tell her that no ones body is perfect, and that its about how SHE feels about her body that is important, not what anyone else thinks. (oh and of course that YOU think she is beautiful, which Im sure you already tell her )
If you think she needs to get more exercise, then tell her that, but dont make it about weight. Skinny people/kids can be out of shape and unhealthy too.

[Ruthla]

I think you need to have a big long talk about weight and body image and beauty and BMI and weight loss and all those related things. Emphasize that she's beautiful the way she is, but that she may not be as healthy as she could be. Then talk to her about ways she can slim down (which may not mean losing weight, it may mean maintaining while she grows taller or gaining a little weight while growing a lot.)

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by EllenSandoval

My aunt, who is seriously obese, says she wishes someone would have been honest when she was this age. She thinks I should tell my daughter that she's chubby.

I think it sounds like your aunt isn't taking full responsibility for her own life. She wishes that someone would have told her as a child that she was chubby, yet I bet that lots of children told her she was chubby. If she hates being obese, then she could choose to do something about it rather than blaming her childhood experiences. I think that her opinion is totally separate from what is best for your DD.

Because your DD already thinks she is fat, getting hung up on whether or not you validate her view misses the point. You can tell her she is thin or fat or whatever, but she will still see herself as a fat little girl. Rather than getting hung up on what you *say* to her, you could choose to help her change her self image.

I don't see what the big deal is over the word "chubby." To me, it isn't rude or insulting or anything nasty. My older DD got a bit chubby. We changed our eating habits as a family, made being active together a priority, and helped her find a sport she likes. I was honest with her that I felt that she needed to find a sport that she really enjoyed because she needed more exercise because she was chubby. There wasn't any meanness or judgement on my part, just that this was something that we needed work on. I worked on finding an exercise that I liked at the same time.

She decided to work on her swimming, is now swimming 5 days a week, and competing at meets. She is slimming down and looks great. What is even better, she sees herself as an athlete. We never focus on weight. I don't have a clue what she weighs or how much she has lost. We don't make a big deal over food either. Most of the choices in our home are healthy and we drink lots of water. I fix my kids snacks of fruits and vegies. I do tell her how great she looks and how proud I am of her for taking good care of herself.

Since you work a lot, you could check into after school programs that are very active. The Y were we live has a program where the kids do gymnastics, roller skate, etc. Another thing you could do is write affirmations for your DD and hang them where she will see them a lot, such as on the mirror in her bathroom, or near her bed.

[karne]

I wonder what you mean by "sometimes"? I know that my own children often grow out, before they grow upwards in height, and it also seems that 8-9-10 year olds can look a bit chubby sometimetimes-my DH and I were wondering if this was a pre-adolescent thing, esp. for girls? Maybe that's crazy, but it's just an observation.

[Iris' Mom]

No, I don't think it is helpful for you to tell dd she is chubby. She already knows. Turn the dialogue around, and focus on being healthy. Help your dd make healthy choices, including eating healthy foods and in moderation and getting exercise. Try to find an activity she enjoys (swimming and biking can be good for kids who are heavy and not athletic, but she may prefer something else). She is clearly self-conscious about her weight, so help her get information on these issues, and feel empowered about to make choices that will improve her physical well-being.

Teasing is horrendous when you're overweight and will only get worse through the pre-teen years. I don't think it is constructive to give any validity to hurtful remarks. Our culture tells girls in a million different ways that beauty means being thin; it is probably the one message that will get across to our kids no matter what we say or do. Overweight kids often turn to food for comfort, and begin a vicious cycle. You don't need to lie to her and tell her she's thin if she's not. However, she really IS fine. Say something like, "It can be really hurtful when kids say that," and let her do the talking. This can be a platform for exploring good health together. I would look for opportunities to make her feel good about her strengths and shift the focus away from her physical appearance.

[AngelBee]

No! Do not tell her!

Make sure YOUR lifestyle is healthy. Eating the right foods. Exercising regularly. Be sure that you display a healthy body image.

She will flow your lead.

[attachedmamaof3]

I would definately not tell her that she's chubby.

Perhaps talk to her about getting involved in some sports/outside activity? (NOT during the same talks about weight!!! Just more as "Oh, I noticed the Y is holding classes/starting x,y,z would you be interested in signing up for that? It sounds fun!)

Otherwise, just be supportive of her. This may just be her body size...or she may just be 8 with a little weight on her. If she was a boy, would you approach this differently? If so, think about why.

[pigpokey]

I don't know why you would want to tell her she is chubby.

Does she take enough exercise? You're saying no. So, you change that aspect of her lifestyle. Is she allowed to walk/bike places? What does she do after school? Does she need to be in a more active school?

You, also, control her diet at this age.

"Telling her she's chubby" -- because you want to motivate her? No.

You change her lifestyle. If it doesn't work, you take her to a doctor to see if she has a condition causing her to be overweight.

[e.naomisandoval]

Originally Posted by karne

I wonder what you mean by "sometimes"? I know that my own children often grow out, before they grow upwards in height, and it also seems that 8-9-10 year olds can look a bit chubby sometimetimes-my DH and I were wondering if this was a pre-adolescent thing, esp. for girls? Maybe that's crazy, but it's just an observation.

She was huge as a baby. As in, when she sat, her belly nearly reached her knees. She almost never moved when I was pg. Just her nature. Motivating her to move is an art. At the park, she can get the most athletic kids all sitting in a sweet circle in the shade playing fantasy games. So she's always been heavy. My younger daughter is much different naturally. They just came as they came. I would like to get out more but it's still so hot here that we often don't go to the park until 4 and then the bugs come out so we can only stand an hour.

So anyway, she's never slim, but the summers are the worst; she really packs on the weight. She always holds a lot of extra weight on her face and belly. There are times when the rest of her seems just fine but other times when she seems too heavy. When she was 4, the last time we went to a doctor, he had the nerve to lecture me in front of her about cutting down on junk food and fast food, not bothering to listen to me saying she never has those on my watch. I am not too terribly fond of mainstream doctors and their pompous ways!

She's grown 3-4 inches in the last year so you'd think she'd be super skinny but no. Perhaps she'll grow out of this naturally. Perhaps not. It takes more energy than I seem to have to get her to move and make healthier food choices. Perhaps she'll be one of those people who look back and say 9 was a turning point. But which way? My husband and I were very thin kids by this age.

Yes, I believe my aunt is dead wrong but just wanted to see if there was some gem in there I was missing.

[iamama]

Worst memory ever----being told by my mom I was chubby! We were in Meier and Frank in the Jr. section and I had trouble fitting in the clothes...

[Roar]

I think if she repeatedly brings this up over the course of years it sounds like she's really struggling with it. I'd focus not on trying to show her reality...but on acknowleding what she's experiencing. She needs to hear her feelings acknowledged. She's hurting. It is hard to be her and to struggle with people's perceptions of her weight. Telling her she's fine (or whatever) isn't going to change the reality that other people are saying unkind things to her and that she doesn't have a good self concept. The two choices aren't: tell her that she's fine and what she's feeling or perceiving isn't correct OR tell her that you agree with that everyone else is telling her and she's chubby. Instead I'd talk about honestly about: bullying, conformity, how it feels to be different, how really narrow ideas are about weight in this culture and how it is really hard to be a kid in some ways that it isn't hard to be an adult.

[captain optimism]

You know, if there are big people in your family, it might be a genetic thing, and she might never be skinny. She could wind up thinner, but not ever slim, if that makes sense.

It's hard to be physically active when you are fat--people can feel self-conscious. Still, if you are fat and you are active and athletic, you can be healthy--at least, that's what recent studies seem to suggest. Your dd needs role models of really good looking fat people and physically active fat people.

http://www.slowfattriathlete.com/

http://web.queenlatifah.com/photo/
(okay, okay, there really aren't very many fat women who look like Queen Latifah! I'm just saying.)

and this really pretty fat acceptance activist, Joy Nash:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

and so on and so forth...

I was raised by the people who told me when I was chubby. Uh, yeah. That's very helpful--not.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by EllenSandoval

It takes more energy than I seem to have to get her to move and make healthier food choices.

Only have healthy food in the house and pack her lunch. This shouldn't be something that you *get* her to do, but something that just happens because you laid the ground work to just make it happen.

I'm also guessing that since she gets chubbier during the summer, that your family is inactive. This is not your DD's fault or problem, but something that you need to fix as a family.

Go for a family walk every day, or a bike ride. Exercise with her. Have her try different activities until she finds one she likes. Go swimming. Do fun, active things together.

My Dh and I had some unhealthy habits, but watching the way the played out in our dear sweet little girl got us off our butts (literally).

I don't feel that I didn't any thing wrong in telling my DD that she was chubby and that we needed to make changes, but I take full and complete responsibility for allowing it to happen, and we made changes as a family to correct the situation. I think that telling a child they are chubby because you cannot get yourself to make the changes necessary for them to be slender and just want to lay the problem at THEIR feet, rather than taking the responsibility yourself, is just wrong.

[onlyzombiecat]

When she tells you that she is fat I would just listen to her feelings without telling her she is fine or chubby. I would respond to her with "I understand that you are concerned about your weight." and talk about how her body is still growing and things like:
charting her weight and height progress on a growth chart so she can see what normal for her is
finding an activity she likes
joining a gym or finding a summer or after school active program
exercising together
joining a class
buying/eating healthier foods
going to a doctor or a nutritionist

These sites might help-
http://www.mypyramid.gov/kids/
http://www.webmd.com/content/tools/1...ctive_kids.htm
http://www.emaxhealth.com/43/6031.html
http://www.kidnetic.com/
http://www.sparkpeople.com
http://www.geocaching.com/

[claras_mom]

I'm assuming that you still don't give her a lot of unhealthy food, so unless she's snacking like crazy, it would seem there could be something else going on than just not moving very much.

So maybe a checkup with the ped to rule out any medical reason for her tendency to carry extra weight, and then work on finding an activity she likes and sticking with it. What comes to my mind is swimming lessons, with a couple of extra sessions each week for practice/water play. As someone already said, YMCAs tend to have a wide variety of programs for kids, so there's sure to be something she'd like.

[AAK]

I wouldn't tell her she was chubby. But if you are worried about her health (either current or future) you should check out Dr. Sears LEAN Kids program. LEAN is an acronym and if is a way of living healthy for all kids. We are doing it and my kids are definitely NOT chubby but I think it is important to learn about living healthy. There is a book about it--check your library.

Amy

[quest4mom]

I wouldn't tell her that she is chubby. I don't think I would tell anyone that they are chubby.

I wouldn't lie to her either.

Sounds like a good time to talk about why she feels chubby and what she can do to remedy the situation if she would like to be skinnier.

[LisainCalifornia]

Originally Posted by iamama

Worst memory ever----being told by my mom I was chubby! We were in Meier and Frank in the Jr. section and I had trouble fitting in the clothes...

Hey, me too! Same worst memory (okay, maybe not the worst--but in my top ten) and shopping in the Jr.s section of McCaulou's in Davis.

[griffin2004]

Originally Posted by EllenSandoval

And yet, I feel myself do things with my eyes that give away that I don't feel completely honest when she corners me on this.

Do you feel that your daughter's "chubbiness" is a publicly visible negative reflection on you and/or your parenting, especially if you and your hub are thin? I'm not trying to be mean to you, but that's the vibe I get from your post.

From my own experience as a fat kid, telling her she's fine but not believing it is worse than telling her you think she's too fat. She senses you're lying because you're ashamed and she internalizes your shame of her. And there is NOTHING that comforts shame like food.

I'd tell Auntie needs to keep her unsolicited opinions to herself. Sounds like she's got a few issues to work on before she solves the problems of the world.

Dear lord, this is taking me back to those icky pre-teen years! Shudder.