Should I tell the truth or spare her feelings? - Page 2

[Fuamami]

My little sister was a lot like your dd. She was a ten-pounder, and my mom thinks she might have had GD when she was pg, but they didn't test back then. My sister has always been slower and less athletically inclined than the rest of us, and for some reason my parents took it upon themselves to tell her she was fat. Our family dynamic was such that all of her older siblings jumped right on that bandwagon and told her too.

Fast forward to the present; she's 24 and pretty overweight. She has big issues with food. She's still very ashamed about it, has never been comfortable enough with men to have a boyfriend, even though she's very beautiful, and lots of guys dig her big butt and boobs. I think she'll probably struggle with it her whole life. My dad still tries to get me to suggest to her that she lose weight, as if it never even occurred to her that she might be overweight.

So, no, I wouldn't suggest it. If anything, I'd just try to get more active. You say it's hot, but maybe you could get up early and go for a walk with her? It might be a nice time for the two of you to talk.

[ledzepplon]

I would not come out and say she's chubby. I would change your family's lifestyle, and have a frank discussion with everyone in the family about healthy eating, the effects of poor diet choice, and the importance of physical activity.

I would also make sure everyone in the family got active--when we were kids, my parents always had us in a sport and one other extracurricular activity of our choosing, like music or scouting or art. Maybe you could incorporate a daily walk into your routine.

Don't bring unhealthy snacks into the house and limit TV time. Don't put the blame on the 8 year old--make sure you're consistent about everyone in the family improving their health.

And FWIW, my little brother was a 10+ lb baby and was always a little chunk as a kid. He would hit a growth spurt and slim down, then fill out again. However, as an adult, he's very fit and he jogs and rows for fun and to stay in shape. "Chubby" was just how he was built as a child.

[timneh_mom]

I've always had weight and body issues and have been fat, and not fat, and now extremely overweight since having kids. Having someone tell me I am "chubby" now, or then, would not be at all helpful. I remember having been told that around 11-12 years old and now I am 38 and I still remember, and remember how painful it was.

I agree with the others who have said to focus on having a healthy lifestyle, you've said that you already provide healthy food choices at home. She sounds like a mellow girl, but wouldn't there be something she might like to do? Swimming, even horseback riding? ANYTHING to get her up and moving? Not to make her lose weight, but to encourage her to find a healthy level of activity? Many girls love to ride horses, I did at that age and it is really good exercise...

It is hard enough for girls to feel like they don't "fit in" no matter what the reason, and I think this is happening at younger and younger ages. She needs to know that you think she is perfect the way she is, but she needs to see too that it's your job to try your best to get your family into a healthy active lifestyle... because it will only be good for her health in the long run!

[savithny]

Telling her she's chubby?

Worst Idea in the History of Bad Parenting Ideas.

(I know its not your idea. Just wanting to say I don't think there are any hidden gems in your aunt's advice. None)

Trying to make the conversation about BMI and how she can improve hers?

Not much better.

LOok, fat kids know they're fat. Fat adults know they're fat. It's not like they've been floating around in a haze of "La la la I'm so skinny," and need to have the shape of their body -- the body they inhabit every day, wash, and wipe, and dress, and move in -- described to them.

This girl is saying she's fat. She feels it. In fact, she probably feels she's fatter than she actually is!!! The idea that sitting down and agreeing with her will help in any way, shape, or form, is insane.

I think the best tactic for something like this is to not just get her in activities. I think modelling "Health at every size," for the whole family is the way to go. Do things together - go for walks, out hiking, biking. Eat healthy. Ditch the snacks for everyone, not just her.

And talk about, if anything, how people come in all different sizes and shapes, and much of it is genetic. I know people who run 5 miles a day who are overweight; I know people who sit around watching TV and eating pork rinds who are underweight. My great-grandmother worked hard on a farm and as a rolfer in a spa, carrying rich women around, and was always nearly 200 pounds.

If you're having your own difficulties in accepting her weight, or feeling guilty about what you might see as a parenting misstep, you might spend some time reading some of the blogs and writings by fat activists:

http://kateharding.net/
http://www.bfdblog.com/

I'd especially recommend reading a recent post that's got a lot of people talking:
http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/th...of-being-thin/
and this one:
http://kateharding.net/2007/07/12/fa...ills-part-one/

[the_lissa]

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[pinksprklybarefoot]

When I was 8 or 9 my mom told me that I wasn't fat yet, but I had bad genes so I better watch it or I'd end up like my aunts. :

No wonder I dropped $20,000 at the eating disorder clinic in my early twenties.

Bite the bullet and help her change her lifestyle by changing the whole family's lifestyle. Heep healthy food in the house, fruits and veggies for snacks. Exercise with her. I second the pp's suggestion of geocaching. That would be exercise, but not obvious exercise.

[ian'smommaya]

Originally Posted by captain optimism

You know, if there are big people in your family, it might be a genetic thing, and she might never be skinny. She could wind up thinner, but not ever slim, if that makes sense.

It's hard to be physically active when you are fat--people can feel self-conscious. Still, if you are fat and you are active and athletic, you can be healthy--at least, that's what recent studies seem to suggest. Your dd needs role models of really good looking fat people and physically active fat people.


http://web.queenlatifah.com/photo/
(okay, okay, there really aren't very many fat women who look like Queen Latifah! I'm just saying.)



and so on and so forth...

I was raised by the people who told me when I was chubby. Uh, yeah. That's very helpful--not.

I LOVE YOU!!!!

and i have da queens stle body. which i love. (my dad called me little marilyn as a child and she has what is now considered an obese level of fat.)


i really think that you can be "fat" or "chubby" or "thick" or what ever term you use and healthy.

ellen. ignore your aunt. she sounds like she has problems beyond being fluffy. if shes an adult and still blaming her parents for messing up then she needs to get over it. i dont mean that as hashly as it sounds. but how old is she? at a certain point shes an adult not a teenager.

get your daughter invovled with the y. and get posters of fluffy women, in sports, in music, in whatever she likes.

[ian'smommaya]

sooo any update ellensandoval? i would love to hear whta you think.

do leave us fluffy chicks hanging.*



*kidding i am kidding.

[I-Love-Alaska]

I don't think it's a good idea to tell her she's Chubby... Sounds like she already knows...

I can't tell you how many times as I was growing up my mother told me "hold your stomach in". To this day, I still have a "muffin top". It's just the way God made me...

Good luck!!

[Demeter9]

I don't know. My nephew joked about how he was pudgy - and he was. When I agreed with him he was kind of upset until I told him that it was normal in our family to pudge up a bit just before growth spurts and puberty. I know I did. That seemed to make him okay with it.

I wish I had an answer. I think I just wanted to chime in with a "you need to be very careful with this."

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by I-Love-Alaska

I
I can't tell you how many times as I was growing up my mother told me "hold your stomach in". To this day, I still have a "muffin top". It's just the way God made me...

OMG, Me too!

[MommaGreenBean]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I carried about 20 extra pounds until right before I got married. My parents constantly 'encouraged' me to be 'more fit' and it just didn't really work for me. They also only had healthy food in the house.

When I got married/was dating we cooked with real butter, plenty of oil, etc. Food tasted good, and I went on hikes and walks because it was fun and felt good, not to get fit. And I dropped 20 lbs in a few months. I

'm not sure if I just maintain my body weight better when I eat more fat, or if I was resisting their pressure to become thin or what, but just thought I'd share.

[Viola]

My daughter is 8 and she's asked me if she is fat, or has said that she is fat, and I acknowledge it and talk about it in a nonchalant manner. If it is inevitable that she will be a little chubbier than others, I don't want her to feel like it is something bad that we don't talk about. Acknowledging that someone is fat is different than berating them for it. And if you *are* fat, you pretty much know it. Even when you are 8, you know if your friends are skinnier. For me it's all about telling my daughter that people come in different shapes and sizes, and she doesn't have to feel bad that she isn't as thin as other children.

As far as health goes, healthy eating and exercise, we talk about those things a lot, but separately, not in conjunction with talking about weight or size.

Originally Posted by savithny

This girl is saying she's fat. She feels it. In fact, she probably feels she's fatter than she actually is!!! The idea that sitting down and agreeing with her will help in any way, shape, or form, is insane.

I don't get that. I mean I don't think her mother should sit down with her and talk about it from the point of view of this is a problem that needs to be fixed, but I think it is certainly acceptable to talk with her openly and unashamedly about this topic.

[e.naomisandoval]

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[MommytoTwo]

I am fat, always have been. Even at age 8, no one needed to state the obvious. I had a mirror. I was not stupid. Neither is your dd. Instead of saying anything at all, I would make lifestyle changes. Whoever is watching your dd while you work needs to be a part of that.

[2crazykids]

Well, I don't feel any closer to having a way to handle this. I know you're kidding but frankly, I'm relieved it hasn't come up recently. I just don't know quite what to do. I can't really look her in the eye and lie. And yet I have tried to do that. That's just not cool. How is she to trust me?

I don't understand why you say this. You got some great advice on these last two pages.

I grew up as a chubby kid with a mom who was super-skinny. Trust me. After age 8, if things don't change, things will only get worse.

My dd has inheirited much of my body type...big butt, big build. And if she doesn't get active and and stay active now it will be much harder to get that started at 8.

Good luck

[ian'smommaya]

Originally Posted by EllenSandoval

Well, I don't feel any closer to having a way to handle this. I know you're kidding but frankly, I'm relieved it hasn't come up recently. I just don't know quite what to do. I can't really look her in the eye and lie. And yet I have tried to do that. That's just not cool. How is she to trust me?

Oh well, in the greater scheme of things, we could have far worse issues so I am grateful that life has dealt me bite sized chunks.

why is not saying how fat she is lying? if i dont say to my mom "you have grey hair, you wrinkly and are so thin its scarey" am i lying? or am i seeing the best of my mom.

[amcal]

I don't think you should lie but you don't have to say she's chubby either.

Why not just talk about how she feels about her body? It doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks - what she thinks it what matters.

If she thinks she has issues with her weight, then your job as the mother is to acknowldge her feelings by saying something like " I understand you're not feeling good about yourself. I love you, I think you're beautiful but if there is something you're not happy about lets work on it together." And then use it as a teaching tool for nutrition and exercise. Ask her what she thinks about the foods she eats and how much exercise she gets. Ask her how you can help her make changes if that's what she wants. Be an unbiased participant in the discussion. Don't judge her, don't call her names (and calling her chubby is name calling) but just let her know that you are there to help her in whatever way she wants.

And then you need to step up and take responsibility for the food that is in your house. Just because you have a thin child doesn't mean that she's "healthy thin". Eating crap foods is bad for everyone - thin or chubby.

Also, I live in Phoenix, I totally get not wanting to be outside for the summer. It's brutal and if you've never lived in brutal heat, you can't even imagine. But, you have to find alternatives - you have to. Check your local YMCA - ours has a kids fitness program that's all inside - rock climbing wall, basketball, swimming etc.... Do whatever you need to do to get your family active.

You have to stop looking at this like it's her problem. It's your problem. You must create a healthy, nutritious, active household.

[2crazykids]

Originally Posted by amcal

I don't think you should lie but you don't have to say she's chubby either.

Why not just talk about how she feels about her body? It doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks - what she thinks it what matters.

If she thinks she has issues with her weight, then your job as the mother is to acknowldge her feelings by saying something like " I understand you're not feeling good about yourself. I love you, I think you're beautiful but if there is something you're not happy about lets work on it together." And then use it as a teaching tool for nutrition and exercise. Ask her what she thinks about the foods she eats and how much exercise she gets. Ask her how you can help her make changes if that's what she wants. Be an unbiased participant in the discussion. Don't judge her, don't call her names (and calling her chubby is name calling) but just let her know that you are there to help her in whatever way she wants.

And then you need to step up and take responsibility for the food that is in your house. Just because you have a thin child doesn't mean that she's "healthy thin". Eating crap foods is bad for everyone - thin or chubby.


You have to stop looking at this like it's her problem. It's your problem. You must create a healthy, nutritious, active household.

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