Mature teens and the world as it is

[UUMom]

If you have teens who were 'born old' how have you handled this? I don't mean sophisticated -old-- do drugs, have sex -mature...not that that's bad. I mean, many around you seem to be interested in getting as little done as possible, drinking to puke just for the sake of drinking to puke, riding around town knocking mailboxes down etc. For those of you with teens who are good socilaizers, intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive etc, how do they sepnd their time, where have their closest friends been found etc? If you have adult children who were more of whatever (thoughtful, sensitive etc) than many of their peers, what sort of work do they do, where do they soicialize, did they go away to college etc?

[Arduinna]

DD has met her most recent friends online, her friends up until now were met in the neighborhood she grew up in and they ended up growing to be people she no longer wanted to hang out with nor shared similar interests with. She has an uncanny ability to not take shit from others and she doesn't follow along with the crowd if they make poor choices. I've seen this first hand with her choosing to hang by the sidelines as her friends made decisions to do things she didn't want to do. She hasn't started working yet and she hasn't decided if she wants to go to college or not. We are giving her time since she just turned 18 and we don't feel the need to push her. She spends most of her time playing MMORPGs with freinds she met in the game that are also good caring sensitive and mature young people similar in age to her.

[barbara73069]

I Have One of Those

Great post, I really can relate to this. My youngest, 15 yo DD, has always been this way. She's always been so mature in so many ways. She's always the one that would sit at the table and talk with the adults while the other kids were who knows where. When she goes to her bf's house I think she spends more time with his mom than she does with him. I've always called her the "old soul." She's always taken school seriously, and she had a job last summer and her best friend at work was a 48 yo divorced mom. Most of her school friends are 18 on up and her bf just turned 21, but shes more mature than her bf is. So I know exactly what you're talking about. Hugs, Barb

[UUMom]

That's what my MIL used to call my oldest when he was a toddler, "An old soul".

[Arduinna]

I don't think my dd is an old soul. But she was raised consentually with an emphasis on exploring and learning who she is and nurturing that as opposed to blind obediance and I think that has a big effect on childrens need to rebel. I do think a lot of it is her inborn personality though too. Some kids don't need to test limits as much, although some learn to test limits as a result of being so restricted.

I don't like the idea that kids that drink or have sex ect are necessarily immature.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I

I don't like the idea that kids that drink or have sex ect are necessarily immature.

I made that distinction, I thought, in the second sentence of my post. If it wasn't clear, I don't think kids who have sex and do drugs are necessarily immature. I was trying to talk about kids who don';t seem to be engaging in the same teen world we hear about. (And sadly, people love to dis kids, drugs and sex).

ETA- I have a couple of kids are seem to be 'old souls'. They seemed that way from the beginning. There is probably a better way to describe this sort of personality, but I can't think of it at the moment. Highly observant, highly calm, penetrating stare, long attention span...that sort of thing. I don't think an atheist should believe in 'old souls' and I am an atheist, and I don't think I believe in actual 'old souls'...

[Arduinna]

I was just kinda making a general comment since the topic was brought up about sex and drinking, I didn't mean to imply you were saying it was immature.

[Roar]

It is a difficult situation for some kids. I know it was for me and we see some of the same with our child. The things that helped us both were trying to focus on activities of interest and to be open to activities that aren't all with same age peers. Some activities seem to attract more motivated or mature kids - could be robot club, debate, drama, community service, newspaper, but something where kids are motivated to be there because they feel what they do matters. What are your teen's passions?

Our son has had the most successful social experiences in mix aged groups that include adults. Community chess club with teens and adults is great - no one cares how old you are it is just about bright people enjoying an activity. College courses have also been a help here. Also mentorships/friendships with adults make a big difference too. They aren't exactly the perfect substitute for the perfect friend your own age, but they do provide some perspective about where the teen years really fit into life and that this time does end.

[Dar]

Rain is an "old soul," for lack of a better term. She's always been preternaturally aware and alert, and she's always thought (and felt) more deeply than most. Actually, I think she's more at peace with a lot of this now that she was 5 years ago... at almost 15, she can "pass" for a young adult, and I think more adults are comfortable interacting with her as a peer, and when she looked 10, they couldn't forget that she really was younger.

Her friends range in age from 11 or so on into young adulthood, although most are between 13 and 18. She met them at homeschool events, or dance classes, or as "friends of friends." Let's see... last weekend she went to an indy movie with a friend from dance class, and then the next day went ice skating and then to an art museum with a friend who she originally met through another friend (and another friend of Rain's friend was there, too), and then to the local community theatre to see a musical with two other friends from dance. Her closest friend is probably her friend in California, even though they only see each other twice a year.

She spends a lot of time dancing, and some time reading, and she babysits. She's taking one class at the university, and that's been really good for her... she's done it all on her own, by choice, and is one of the better students in the class. It's her first school experience since kindergarten, and the professor was not very good at organization - his syllabus was a half-page joke - but she figured out the system and is thriving now. I think she needed this kind of experience now - she needed this kind of challenge, something "real" in a different way.

And she laughs with her friends, and does goofy things, and has fun... and some friends are just good for that sort of thing, and some are deeper, and that's okay... and she talks with me a lot, which is also okay...

Dar

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by Dar

Rain is an "old soul," for lack of a better term. She's always been preternaturally aware and alert, and she's always thought (and felt) more deeply than most. Actually, I think she's more at peace with a lot of this now that she was 5 years ago... at almost 15, she can "pass" for a young adult, and I think more adults are comfortable interacting with her as a peer, and when she looked 10, they couldn't forget that she really was younger.

Her friends range in age from 11 or so on into young adulthood, although most are between 13 and 18. She met them at homeschool events, or dance classes, or as "friends of friends." Let's see... last weekend she went to an indy movie with a friend from dance class, and then the next day went ice skating and then to an art museum with a friend who she originally met through another friend (and another friend of Rain's friend was there, too), and then to the local community theatre to see a musical with two other friends from dance. Her closest friend is probably her friend in California, even though they only see each other twice a year.

She spends a lot of time dancing, and some time reading, and she babysits. She's taking one class at the university, and that's been really good for her... she's done it all on her own, by choice, and is one of the better students in the class. It's her first school experience since kindergarten, and the professor was not very good at organization - his syllabus was a half-page joke - but she figured out the system and is thriving now. I think she needed this kind of experience now - she needed this kind of challenge, something "real" in a different way.

And she laughs with her friends, and does goofy things, and has fun... and some friends are just good for that sort of thing, and some are deeper, and that's okay... and she talks with me a lot, which is also okay...

Dar

Thanks. It's not as easy as it used to be.

[Lissacamille]

My children have been a joy to raise. Now that they are grown, I am delighted with the adults they are. Three of them are still at home, going to college. My daughter married this summer and now lives with her husband. Our oldest son is married with a son. (We have four plus an adopted niece.)
They haven't caused hardly any problems.
I guess I attribute this to my DH and I having similar ideas and attitudes towards parenting: natural, gentle, respectful, yet disciplined. We are devout Catholics and I attribute some success to our faith.
We had basically a structured lifestyle for our children in growing up, but with many, many opportunities to explore their interests wherever they led. We tried to make our family experiences educational and enjoyable.
Most of all, we listened, we listened, we listened!

[UnschoolnMa]

My teens are a cool mix of stuff. At 16 and 14 neither one of them is at all interested in drinking to excess or using drugs (though they've both indicated that they may occasionally use marijuana when they are legally responsible for themselves). They do not date yet, and are not having sex yet. (For the record, they don't care that I talk about this here. I wouldn't post things they weren't cool with. ) They can talk about complex important things like racism, sexism, media, and so on. They are very close friends as well as siblings.

Ds is 16 and is something of a in introvert. He's never really been concerned about having or making a bunch of friends. He's had af few over the years, but nothing deep or major. He likes to spend his time reading, writing, watching movies/TV, or being online. He has no problem being social, but it's definitely not his element. He likes to write for text based RPG games, and he's "met" quite a few people online that way. He's been talking to one girl for over a year now, and she seems pretty cool. He's been trying to find a job for a few months now, and he's discouraged but he continues on. (He's ticked off that most places are asking him to cut his hair, when they give women the option to put their hair up somehow. ) He's got a decent attitude about it though. He is funny, sarcastic, and loves to have a good time. He tries not to take thing too seriously, and he calms me down often lol.

Dd is 14 and such a fun kid. She's always been the most social in our family, and we've met some nice folks through her. She's had a best friend since she was 7 or so, and they are like two (sometimes opposite) peas in a pod. They spend about 2 nights a month at each other's houses, and invite one another to camping trips, birthdays, and BBQ's in the summer. Best Friend has kind of become part of the family in a way. She has some other friends that are fun and nice, but they are not as important as her relationship with Best Friend. Dd also has made some friends through her adventures online. She posts at Gaia, and Myspace a lot.

To be honest, my kids find a lot of other teens incredibly annoying. I hesitate to say that because it sounds like I/they think we are so above all the other people around, but that's not how I mean it. They just often find that they value very very different things. For example, a friend of mine has a Dd that is 15. They were in town for Thanksgiving and they stopped by for a visit. The teen brought a friend a long and there was so much nasty gossipy mean spirited stuff coming from them. My kids just don't get into that usually. Dd hears a lot of the things that go on in school from Best Friend, and she just doesn't get it or want it at all. So they can hang with other kids and be fine and even have some fun, but in many instances they've found themselves saying "WTF is wrong with you?" about someone. I am sure they say that about us though too sometimes.

We laugh and tease each other a lot around here, and we talk a lot. We are an extremely close family...particularly the kids and me.

[laoxinat]

I have one too. DD is 16, has a job, is amazingly helpful and compassionate to both myself and her DSD. She has always been so much...herself. Just utterly uninterested in impressing anyone. I have to remember she's not me and does NOT have my hangups! I feel like we are just so fortunate to be together in this lifetime. Our temperaments mesh wonderfully, which I believe is a major contributing factor to our relationship. I just love love love my Mousie!!
And Dar? I really wish we lived in the same town, cuz girl, you rock! I always feel so validated when I read your posts. You KNOW how many people think we're crazy for trusting our kids ?:
peace out ladies

[UUMom]

I think my major problem is that it bothers me more than it bothers my kids. I sort of feel protective...even though they do not need nor desire my prtotection. I guess some people can never reliquish that mother bear role. I know it's not healthy...and my kids are quite capable. Ah, I just have so much more growing to do

Well, anyway, thanks for your ears/eyes.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by UUMom

I think my major problem is that it bothers me more than it bothers my kids. I sort of feel protective...even though they do not need nor desire my prtotection. I guess some people can never reliquish that mother bear role. I know it's not healthy...and my kids are quite capable.

I understand! It's been a tough, and wonderful, thing to watch them become so mature. I can see that they still need a soft mom place to land though. Hard balance.

Ah, I just have so much more growing to do

Don't we all... right there with ya.

[Jessy1019]

My kids are still young, but I was that sort of teen growing up. I was raised in what most of us would think of as a pretty consensual household, and my dad died when I was fourteen, so I think both those things had a hand in making me feel very separate from people my own age.

Anyway, I found the best friends and best entertainment doing community theater. It was primarily adults, and I felt very at ease with all of them. It was a wonderful experience, and I wouldn't have good memories of my high school years without it. Working was another way I made friends -- also with adults.

I think the best thing an "old soul" sort of teen can do is to join a group that involves a wide range of ages and that revolves around something s/he is good at and enjoys. I also think the internet can be a great source of like-minded friends . . . I wish the social networking sites we have now had been around when I was a teen!

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

I understand! It's been a tough, and wonderful, thing to watch them become so mature. I can see that they still need a soft mom place to land though. Hard balance.


Don't we all... right there with ya.

Thanks. It means a lot to hear from people who are actually living it as a parent.

[smillerhouse]

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa View Post
I understand! It's been a tough, and wonderful, thing to watch them become so mature. I can see that they still need a soft mom place to land though. Hard balance.


I really love this!!!! I love the soft mom place to land. Especially my son has alwasy been this way. I was told from an infant he was an old soul. At 17, he is findihing up his first semster at cc. It is so cool to hear him talk aobut how his person has this goal (mostly folks in their twenties) and he will cofinetly say,and I am going into media design.

He is alwasy saying deep stuff. On Tday, he goes, I dont like my picture taken, becasue it could show my soul.

Sallie and he still needs me to listen, cook, and clear his bed off.

[Tigeresse]

Originally Posted by UUMom

I think my major problem is that it bothers me more than it bothers my kids. I sort of feel protective...even though they do not need nor desire my prtotection. I guess some people can never reliquish that mother bear role. I know it's not healthy...and my kids are quite capable. Ah, I just have so much more growing to do

Well, anyway, thanks for your ears/eyes.

I feel this too...I like to point out to ds that when I ask him to call when he gets to a certain place, or if he will be home later than expected, that this is purely for my benefit. I need my mama bear tendencies soothed, even as he grows and is a larger bear than I am now!

[Tigeresse]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

I understand! It's been a tough, and wonderful, thing to watch them become so mature. I can see that they still need a soft mom place to land though. Hard balance.


Don't we all... right there with ya.

Beautifully put! Just yesterday ds1 asked me, "mom, would you come down and see all my cars?" He proudly went through all the cars he "bought" in one of his video games, wanted me there to see them all. He spends hours playing video games online and off, with friends or alone, but every so often he wants me or dh there with him. Just one of the ways he wants to "check in" I think.