"No, MOMMY do it!"

[z-girl]

Aaaarrrggghhh! DD (27 months) is reaching the pinnacle (I can only hope) of wanting mommy to do things. Anytime DH picks something up that she drops, she says and MEANS, "No, mommy pick it up." If she wants something, only mommy can get it. If we're out somewhere and someone opens a door for us, it's "No, mommy open it." It's making DH and me crazy.

If we're out in public or with friends, sometimes I can get away with not doing whatever she asks me to do, especially if I explain it. For example when her friend Anna dropped a bunch of cherries, and DD wanted me to pick them up, I was able to explain that Anna wanted HER mommy to help her. If DD is tired, though, then forget it. And she reallt pitches a fit if DH just goes ahead and does something that she wants me to do.

We sometimes try to push her limits on that if she's well rested and happy and open to reasoning. At this point, we're trying to just honor her feelings that she really wants mommy to do stuff, and are working on polite ways for her to make requests. It's hard though- it's hurtful to DH and exhausting for me, and baby #2 will be here in 3 months. I'm so so open to any suggestions or ideas.

Thanks! I haven't really been to the "Gentle Discipline" board much before, and I've received some great advice lately. I'm hoping to be able to offer some good listening and help in return!

[nikirj]

We had a short session of mommy-do-its. It was over pretty quick, though.

If I was available I'd do it. But if not, we'd just explain, sure, mommy can do it, but not until she's done with X....if daddy puts on your shoes, you can leave now and don't need to wait for mommy. Usually she'd just have daddy do it, especially if I was washing dishes or in the shower or something she knew would take a while. This is a good concept for her to know anyway for when the new baby arrives.

I'm not sure what exactly about that approach worked, but she stopped having problems with daddy (or her uncles, or whoever) doing things for her in just about 2 weeks - maybe because she got used to the idea that it wasn't always the greatest thing for mommy to do everything for her.

[z-girl]

Thanks, Nicole. We've been at this for months and it seems to only get worse! We do have her wait if I'm doing things (sometimes Iconveneiently get involved with dishes, etc) but she often chooses to wait. Wish it were a quick phase for us!

[LiminalOne]

Hi z-girl

Your question made me remember something that I read recently in the Kabat-Zinn's Everyday Blessings book.

We recently had 3 pre-adolescent nephews and nieces stay with us and I was really surprised that they wanted me to do everything for them from toast their bagel to spread the cream cheese. I was expecting by the age of 9 or 10 that this would be something they could do on their own. Since they were here for a relatively short time, I didn't really do much about it--sometimes honored the request, sometimes asked them to do it themselves with my help.

But just today, I was reading about viewing "service" to our kids in a larger light. That sometimes, when we grant our kids requests against our own intuition, it opens up an opportunity for intimacy. The vulnerability of the kid or the submission of the parent serves as a prelude to a deep interaction. [I'm definitely not doing the chapter justice, sorry.]

In thinking about these kids (after they were gone), I realized that throughout their whole visit, they were really desperate to be taken care of. The family is going through a separation and their mother is not able to be emotionally present for them right now.

So, perhaps, the need for you to be doing everything is a result of your dc knowing that things are changing and her/his attempt to keep things from moving too fast. I wonder if you just honored it with all your might if it would just disappear.

Just a thought...

Angie

[z-girl]

Thanks for the thoughts, Angie. Really, DD's neediness is making me want to embrace her rather than push her away. I'm really enjoying this sweet time with her before #2 arrives. But I hate to see DH's feelings hurt. Most of me feels like she's expressing a true need for some control, but I worry about her being bossy or controlling too. It's hard to know where to draw the line. Do we move everytime she says, "No, mommy sit here, daddy sit there!"? Something that has worked lately with picking things up is making a game of it and each taking turns. We'll keep at it!