I can't sleep and I don't want to wake DH up. It's been 4 days (technically since it's 12:24 am right now) since my brother killed himself. The first night I thought I had let it all out. I sobbed to DH for hours. I was empty of tears and emotions. I could answer fine if someone asked me. But I can't right now and I don't want to. I don't have an older brother anymore. I am now the second oldest child in my family.
I don't want the sympathetic looks and pats on the shoulders. I don't want people looking at me with "knowing" eyes. I don't want asked how I'm doing with that under tone I'm sure we all know. I just want to forget it and have everyone else forget it as well. On the other hand though I want someone to genuinely ask me, not out of pity, how I'm doing and just listen. Dh was awesome that first night. He didn't say anything. He just let me unload but now I feel like I need someone else. I think I'll call my SIL in the morning and see if she can't come talk to me. Her ex husband comitted suicide not too long ago so she shoulld be able to get to my level at least.
I just want to forget. I wish I didn't have to be in this state of mind. I don't get the luxury of having the pain fade away or of forgetting. I had a nephew born the same day he did it. Every birthday that sweet baby has is just another marker, another year for me to remember my brother. And the fact that he was so lonely and sad and feeling unloved that he thought he would be better off not here.
He left a note. While I know what it says a part of me wants to see it. To see his words and his writing. To connect in some morbid way to the last little bit of him that is around. To see and feel to some extent that anguish he must have been feeling. I won't though. I am not about to ask anyone if I can see it. I'm sure it's been tossed by now anyway.
On the plus side this has helped me to forgive him for the abuse. He doesn't know that though.
Do you know I can't think of the last time I talked to him..in person or on the phone. I can't think of the last time I saw him. I do know though that I didn't say I love you and that I teased him about being a love puppy and being sensitive and wanting love. Why do I know that I for sure did that? Because that's all I ever did. I didn't know how to relate to him. I didn't know how to show him I cared. My family seriously lacks in that department. I've been accused of being cold before because I can't show true emotion without throwing out a sarcastic quip or mean spirited joke. Anything to take the attention off me. It's all true. I am. It's easier to tease someone about wanting some damn attention than it is to say I love you. How sad is that? How sad is it that at 21 I can't tel a family member I love them without feeling stupid and self concious?
Guess what OtherMother'n'Madre? Now you really can't tell him you love him. How's that for irony.
:
I don't want the sympathetic looks and pats on the shoulders. I don't want people looking at me with "knowing" eyes. I don't want asked how I'm doing with that under tone I'm sure we all know. I just want to forget it and have everyone else forget it as well. On the other hand though I want someone to genuinely ask me, not out of pity, how I'm doing and just listen. Dh was awesome that first night. He didn't say anything. He just let me unload but now I feel like I need someone else. I think I'll call my SIL in the morning and see if she can't come talk to me. Her ex husband comitted suicide not too long ago so she shoulld be able to get to my level at least.
I just want to forget. I wish I didn't have to be in this state of mind. I don't get the luxury of having the pain fade away or of forgetting. I had a nephew born the same day he did it. Every birthday that sweet baby has is just another marker, another year for me to remember my brother. And the fact that he was so lonely and sad and feeling unloved that he thought he would be better off not here.
He left a note. While I know what it says a part of me wants to see it. To see his words and his writing. To connect in some morbid way to the last little bit of him that is around. To see and feel to some extent that anguish he must have been feeling. I won't though. I am not about to ask anyone if I can see it. I'm sure it's been tossed by now anyway.
On the plus side this has helped me to forgive him for the abuse. He doesn't know that though.
Do you know I can't think of the last time I talked to him..in person or on the phone. I can't think of the last time I saw him. I do know though that I didn't say I love you and that I teased him about being a love puppy and being sensitive and wanting love. Why do I know that I for sure did that? Because that's all I ever did. I didn't know how to relate to him. I didn't know how to show him I cared. My family seriously lacks in that department. I've been accused of being cold before because I can't show true emotion without throwing out a sarcastic quip or mean spirited joke. Anything to take the attention off me. It's all true. I am. It's easier to tease someone about wanting some damn attention than it is to say I love you. How sad is that? How sad is it that at 21 I can't tel a family member I love them without feeling stupid and self concious?
Guess what OtherMother'n'Madre? Now you really can't tell him you love him. How's that for irony.
:
The pain you feel now will lessen over time; but for now, let your tears flow and don't be afraid of who see's it. You have a right to greive no matter what the past has placed between you and your brother. If you don't have anyone you feel you can turn to, you know we're here for you.
