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Would you be upset? - Page 2

post #21 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstepmom View Post
its just the fact that he thought she was good enough to be the mother of his child and he doesn't feel that way about me, you know?
No, he already has a child and doesn't want another. No reflection on your worth.
post #22 of 49
So you have been dating since June and you guys already live together? That is intense.

I would not worry about the pictures or the ring or anything. My SO has photos of him and his son mom together in his son's room, and I thought it was so nice that I am making similar things for my son. I still have all our pictures from our wedding, and my rings, but not because I want to be with my ex again, but bc that was a huge part of my life and I always want ds to know he was concieved in love.
post #23 of 49
[QUOTE=choli;9863826]No, he already has a child and doesn't want another. No reflection on your worth.[/QUOTE]

Bolding mine... I thought this was very important and should be repeated.
post #24 of 49
I have cards and letters that my former spouse gave me. I also have the wedding rings. I kept them for the children. I think the reactions here are pretty childish.
post #25 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstepmom View Post
I know it isn't the end of the world, even though I would love to have one, I think I can live without having my own child, I don't think I am even physically capable of having a child (past health problems), its just the fact that he thought she was good enough to be the mother of his child and he doesn't feel that way about me, you know?

Its a genuine feeling of inadequacy.
Alot of people in this thread say it's no reflection of your adequacy. They're absolutely right. But I'm also in the exact baby situation for you and I know how it feels. I have no advice, but I couldn't read that without sending you
post #26 of 49
I've moved on from my first marriage without regret. I'm now married to a great guy. I have no children with my first husband. There are things in my house from my ex. I've got a box of stuff from our wedding. I haven't opened the box, it is just sitting in the basement, but it feels wrong to dispose of something that once meant so much. I've got my old wedding rings to. They are just sitting in a drawer. They are worth money, its not like I'm going to throw them out and selling them would net a small fraction of the original cost. One day I'll probably get around to pulling out the stones and having them reset as earrings.

Does my DH freak out about these things? No. Its a box sitting in the basement. He knows that I love him, that my first marriage was a horrible match, and that our marriage is so incredibly strong. A box that I never open doesn't mean a thing, but I appreciate that he doesn't make me destroy something that while a mistake, was still a significant part of my life and history. In fact, he even suggested that the tiara from my first wedding would be an ok addition to a kids dress-up box or a halloween costume.
post #27 of 49
I have a box of special things from my time with my ex. Photo's, jewelry that he gave me,
drawings he drew, etc. I put it all into one box and I thought I would give it to dd someday.
These are all memories of the good times between her parents, I think she would like to
see that there was once love between us.

It doesn't mean I still lust after my ex, or that I am holding on. If I didn't have a child with
him I would have gotten rid of everything. I hope someday to be in another relationship and
I hope that he can understand why I kept this box of memories for my dd. It has nothing to
do with anybody but my dd, myself, and her dad. I don't think that him keeping these items
should reflect any bad feelings in you. He is with you. Truthfully I think the items are a
symptom of other issues in your relationship. If you felt totally secure in the relationship
the items couldn't take that away.

I have love letters from my parents from when they were young, and they are priceless to me.
post #28 of 49
Thread Starter 
Thanks to everyone for responding. As I said before, I will give it more time as it is still a fresh situation. She lives almost next door to us and calls everyday - I guess that only adds to my insecurity.

Someone said my reaction was childish, but I disagree - my SO WOULD NOT be a happy camper if I kept photos and letters from my ex-h in our home, so it feels quite unfair that I should have to tolerate this from him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
Alot of people in this thread say it's no reflection of your adequacy. They're absolutely right. But I'm also in the exact baby situation for you and I know how it feels. I have no advice, but I couldn't read that without sending you
and thanks. Its a painful feeling to fall in love with the one person you would someday want to have a child with, and they refuse to even discuss it.
post #29 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstepmom View Post
Its a painful feeling to fall in love with the one person you would someday want to have a child with, and they refuse to even discuss it.
This is a much more important issue then the photos, etc.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether this is right for you.

Love is not enough to have a happy life with someone ... especially the "falling in love" love which is all exciting, passionate and overwheming.

It is very, very difficult to be happy with someone who does not want the same things in life as you do ... especially major life issue things like having children, approach to life, religions, parenting, working, etc.

This guy has barely had a chance to even begin processing the emotions of ending a marriage that involves a child. If he wants to be a father to his kid, he needs to work out away to communicate with his ex and co-parent. And none of that is easy or pretty. He probably has no clue what he really wants for the future yet.

If you were my daughter (and I have to girls in their 20s so I could be saying this one day soon!) I would hug you, take you by the shoulders, give you a shake and say "Slow Down!"

You are running headlong into something that could cause you a lot of pain. You're feelings of insecurity are absolutely rational ... and they are trying to tell you something ... so LISTEN!

You're not feeing insecure because he is a jackass or doing anything unfair or hurtful TO you ... he's just not in a place right now where it makes sense to be sure of what he feels.

When someone goes into AA, they tell them to avoid making any major decisions the for the first year they are dry because they need sometime to just deal with that.

I've often felt people who are divorcing should do the same thing ... give themselves a year to deal with the profound changes that occur in your life when you divorce, especially with kids, before you make any more huge life decisions.

You know, if you and your SO have something that is going to last beyond the falling in love stage, going slow won't make a difference. On the other hand, if this isn't right for you, going slow will save everyone involved a lot of pain and bitterness.

So OP, my advice is to forget the photos, ring, etc and listen to your gut ... listen to what the insecurity is telling you.

Good luck.
post #30 of 49
As a general comment ... not directed at anyone specific ... I think it is unfair for one person to demand that an SO cut out a part of their past to prove their love.

Mr. Offwing and my marriage is the second for both of us. We both have our old wedding albums, photos of our exes, wedding bands, etc. in the house. For me to hide or destroy that kind of stuff would be to erase a huge part of my life and my girl's life. For my husband, it would be like pretending events that made him the man I love didn't happen.

Feeling that kind of jealousy and insecurity is about the relationship today, not the relationship in the past. Photos of the past are not a risk unless you can't trust the other person in the relationship. Either they really aren't as committed to you as they should be and the fears are justified or the insecurity is a personal problem that is having an impact on your relationship ... which ever it is ... that is the problem, not the past.

I think it comes down to a matter of trust. If you don't trust your spouse/SO I think you have to ask yourself why and deal with that. Because that is what is going to hurt you.

Hang in there everybody!
post #31 of 49
ITA with the previous poster... and...

Quote:
Also, you're good enough to raise his child with him but not good enough to marry and conceive a child with? What does he think you are? The nanny?
I think that's really unfair. It seems to me like he is being up front about what he wants, and the OP has the option of taking it or leaving it. I think it would be downright foolish to rush to marry and have kids so soon after a separation/divorce. I also think it's a big mistake to think you can just change his mind down the road... it's like you're just setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Honestly, I would be more concerned about your insecurity, where it stems from, what can be done about it... I have my own box of mementos from my first marriage. I have three kids, and I *am* saving the pictures of us together for THEM. I want them to know that they were conceived in love even though it didn't work out between their dad and I. I have a poem he wrote me, and a letter, and while I don't feel the same way towards him NOW... those things did mean an awful lot to me at one point in my life and I choose to cherish the good memories rather than dwell on the bitter end.

Cut your SO some slack, his relationship with his ex and his memories have nothing to do with you or your worth.
post #32 of 49
A few things:

I think that you should move out.

It is way too soon after his separation - he is isn't even divorced. Don't be the rebound relationship. I think that you need to step back, take things more slowly. IMHO, it is also a bit soon for SO's child to deal with him living with a new woman.

I think that you should really evaluate things. It sounds like you and he have different goals. You might waste a bunch of time and emotional energy on someone who is not at the same point in life. After getting divorced, many people go years before feeling ready to remarry. Also, he sounds done having children. You want children. To me, that in itself would be a deal-breaker. Even if you can't conceive biologically, you could adopt. If you have been reading this board, by now you must know that there is a huge difference between being a stepparent and a biological parent, especially when both biological parents are active in the child's life. For me, having a stepchild would not fulfill the desire to have children of my own, no matter how much love I felt for the stepchild.

On the subject of the things from the previous relationship, my mom saved her wedding pictures for years. She finally gave them to my brother a few years back. I hope he still has them, because I really want to look at them. I'm 27 and this is the first real urge I've had to see that stuff, maybe because I am at the same point in life that they were at back then. Plus, I heard that my dad wore a polyester leisure suit at the wedding. I really need to see that.

My mom didn't save love letters, but she saved her high school year book that my dad wrote in. It made me cry. And it gave me perspective. My parents spent about 5 years going back and forth between being together and apart. It did a number on my brother and I. Reading what my dad wrote to my mom helped me realize why she wanted to make it work so badly. It made me understand why my dad still asks about my mom, even though they haven't spoken in over 10 years and he is happily remarried. SO as long as they aren't explicit, I could see why the children might want to see old love letters when they are adults.

Also, FWIW, I just got rid of old love letters and my wedding dress from my previous marriage. I just felt guilty getting rid of those things. I didn't ever look at them, I just felt weird about tossing them.
post #33 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstepmom View Post
Well as far as marriage, the only reason I have any expectations on that is because he has told me numerous times he wants to marry me and grow old with me and that I'm the love of his life, etc. But for some reason when I bring up engagement or even the subject of promise rings he pulls back and tells me not to rush things...:

As far a baby, neither of us is ready for one right now since we're still settling in to this new life but I mentioned that I wanted to have a baby EVENTUALLY... he said he didn't want anymore children and that I should just focus all my energy on DSS...
Listen, I hate to be one of those people who throws cold water here, but IMHO, you need to leave this relationship.

Please listen to what you're saying. He's been separated only five months at most -- that's hardly any time at all unless you're in high school, KWIM? He is still clearly in mourning for his marriage and what he had, and he is sending you a very clear message that he is not going to be over this at your request just because you want to.

You mentioned you want a baby. He is TELLING you he does not want any more.

You refer to yourself as a stepmother, but he has not married you and he's clearly sending you signals that he is not going to.

I don't know -- you do with your life what you want to, obviously, but it's hard to stand by and see yet another woman completely ignore what a man's clearly saying to her and live in "what could be" rather than what IS.

I wish the best for you.
post #34 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by offwing View Post
Feeling that kind of jealousy and insecurity is about the relationship today, not the relationship in the past. Photos of the past are not a risk unless you can't trust the other person in the relationship. Either they really aren't as committed to you as they should be and the fears are justified or the insecurity is a personal problem that is having an impact on your relationship ... which ever it is ... that is the problem, not the past.

I think it comes down to a matter of trust. If you don't trust your spouse/SO I think you have to ask yourself why and deal with that. Because that is what is going to hurt you.
I don't think the : icon really covers it here, but I really think you hit the nail on the head with this.
post #35 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstepmom View Post
They haven't gotten along in a long time, but they only physically separated in June. He and I were friends at the time (we had feelings for each other but had never acted upon those feelings until they got separated), she had been seeing someone else while they were still together and she's living with that guy now. At first she didn't want the split, then she agreed it was for the best, then she tried to get him back, he refused so she went back to the other guy.

He says he hates her and this and that, so I would think those pictures and things would disturb him as much as they do me, but apparently not.... it just confuses me.:
i am not trying to worry you about the stability of your relationship but it has been only 5 months since your boyfriends breakup with his wife! that is not very long at all. are they divorced yet? it can take a couple years after a divorce for people to feel stable and ready for a commitment including marriage and more kids, some people are never ready. divorce is really traumatizing.

my DH had been divorced for 3.5 years before we started dating and even then he still had trauma, anger and pain over his past divorce, so much so that we actually broke up after only two weeks of dating and then dated again 6 months later when he was more ready for a long term, commited relationship that has now led to our recent, and happy marriage. If you love this man I would suggest giving him a break, let him heal, maybe even stop dating for a while until he and you are both wanting the same things out of this relationship.
post #36 of 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstepmom View Post
Someone said my reaction was childish, but I disagree - my SO WOULD NOT be a happy camper if I kept photos and letters from my ex-h in our home, so it feels quite unfair that I should have to tolerate this from him.
Well, the fact that you are *both* jealous doesn't make it any less immature.

I think your relationship is moving at warp speed already - DH and I dated for over a year before we lived together and it was another 2 years before we were married, and that felt fast to me. If you really think you want to spend your life with this person, why the rush?

And, your DH's ex wife is always going to be part of your life, if you're a stepmom. If you can't handle seeing photos of her, how are you going to handle seeing her all the time?
post #37 of 49
In defense of sweetstepmom, I'd like to say that my relationship with my DH started very much like hers: a tornado. We got together really fast coming straight out of incredibly unhealthy relationships with other people. I was petrified and very frightened to be rebound girl, just as DH thought he might be my rebound boy. In the end though, we saved each other from drowning. I'm not saying it was ideal, or easy, or what the mainstream would dub "normal", but he and I are both a bit off the wall, very passionate people who somehow knew that we were going to be together no matter what.

We suffered through friends, family members, and exes harassing us, threatening us, telling us we were fools, and that we were going to crash and burn. We kept our heads down and kept a steady course, trying to provide a steady environment for SS during the transition. We both had a lot of insecurity and jealousy to work through. We also had major adjustments to make in our personal lives if our relationship was going to survive. We're still working at it and loving every minute of it.

It's been over 3 years. We've moved to a new city; we have full custody of SS and he's never been as happy or well-adjusted. We're expecting our first child. All the exes have quieted down, or just plain vanished. The people who claimed to be friends and shot us down disappeared too.

I'm not saying everyone's concerns aren't legit; in many cases, they are. I'm just proposing an alternate scenario where things can work out if there is tons of communication, honesty, and a willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship.
post #38 of 49
In the OP's situation it was less the "rebound" effect (though that is part of it) that made me think uh-oh, it is the two very important relationship "deal breaker" type issues of having children and getting married that the OP and her SO do not seem to be in agreement on.

Sure some relationships make it despite flying in the face of what would seem common sense. But it gets less likely that people are going to be happy with each additional "issue" that gets added on top.

Basically Halfasianmomma, I'm guessing that you and your DP are otherwise very similar in how you see life, what you want to get out it, etc. From what little the OP has said her, I'm gently suggested that she might want to spend some more time finding out if that is true for her and her SO.

Because not wanting the same things in life very rarely makes for a long and happy marriage, IYKWIM.
post #39 of 49
Dh and I have pics around of our exes. It's no big deal. I also have ALL of my 1st wedding paraphenalia and plan to pass it on to dd when she's old enough.

5 or 6 months is a very short amount of time. It probably feels much longer when you're in an intense relationship.

When dh and I met he and his ex had just split up. He didn't want anymore kids, either. We broke up for a year before he realized he could handle having a family with me and came back.
post #40 of 49
I was very offended when my xh gave me a ring from his mother's failed marriage. Almost like the ring was jinxed or something. What made it worse was that my xh despised his bf. I agree that the love letters would be inappropriate to pass on as well. I can understand saving the pics for his ds. I have pics of my xh in a special album just for my dd. My df has pics of his xw in a shoe box for his dc.
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