If you were a stepchild... - Page 3

[CorasMama]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

And, another point: Eventually, your relationship may become solid in spite of the circumstances of the beginning. However, this does NOT give you blanket license to call your stepchild your "son," especially if he's quietly harboring some last resentment over your role in his parents' divorce--some people upthread indicated they were happy their stepparents called them their children, but that should be the stepchild's (as well as your) call.

Finally: If your stepchild's mother dies, all of the goodwill you built might go out of the window for awhile. This does not matter how old your stepchild is. Regardless: Do NOT call yourself mom and your stepchild your child during the grieving process unless specifically asked (the possible exception: if you've done it for years and your stepchild would welcome that consistency). And whatever you do, do NOT badmouth the late mother, her parenting, or really anything concerning her, to your stepchild. If you must, call a counselor or a girlfriend or post here...but as far as your stepchild is concerned, his or her mother was perfect.

: ITA w/ this!

My mom had been dead for 3 years before my stepmom started making a point of introducing me as her daughter. Also, it was after I had written her a really nice, long mother's day card, thanking her for how she'd stepped in and really filled the void my mother left. (There was not a dry eye in the room after that card!) And she still doesn't call herself my mom, just calls me her daughter.

I H.A.T.E.D. it when, as an older child and teen, my stepfather referred to me as his daughter. I don't know how I would have felt about it, if I hadn't hated him. Because, although I hated it, it also contributed to my feeling of security in my place in that side of the family, since I didn't live there most of the time. But there are other ways to make a child feel secure than to call your stepchild your child when they hate it.

[wannabemoms]

I wish that my stepdad (who was 17 years older than my mom with 5 adult children...they got together when I was 12 ) had understood that my brother and I had been raised a little differently than his own kids...and that he was joining our family, and shouldn't have expected us to match his prior parenting experiences.
We're great friends now, but we fought a lot when I was a teen...I would have responded differently had he talked to my mom first and they discussed things with me together, or just my mom.

My stepmom is the greatest. It's an unusual situation, in that I've known her since I was a baby, but she married my dad when I was about 16...but she and my dad decided that for "big" issues (ie that might require discipline), each kid's biological parent would address the issue (I have a brother, a stepbrother and a stepsister)...little things either parent would address. My stepmom was like a close friend and confidante. Never judgemental about my feelings about my mom or my dad (or anything), always listened, and always encouraged me to talk with my parents about my feelings. She is probably my closest friend to this day, I love her tremendously.

[JERENAUD]

This may be another personality vs. step parent issue, but it`s a big one in our lives. My husband`s Dad has been with a new partner for several years. He doesn`t consider her a step mother because he`d already left home (and was married) when they got together, but she`s part of our lives no matter what `title` she has.

She has decided that my husband doesn`t like her and makes her uncomfortable. She has therefore decided that she will not come to our house and we`re not welcome in their house. Well, the children and I are, but.... For the record, we`re not sure why she has come to this opinion, there has never been anything untoward said or done. Does my husband love her? no. Did they handle the announcement of the separation/ moving in together well? no. Was that years ago and over now? yes, and we are fine with their relationship.

My point is just that as the adult (even if the children are grown, there`s still an element of parent/ child relationships) please take the high road whenever possible. Assume the best, work on developing an appropriate relationship (ie don`t set up barriers unless truely necessary for your own well being) and if there`s a problem, TALK about it!

I think that this is appropriate for a new step parent of teens, too. Don`t expect them to love you instantly, but don`t announce that the child must hate you and is therefore not welcome in your home. (or make it more subtle but still the prevaling message)

Just my little soapbox due to the problems we`re currently having.

[Demeter9]

That every trial given was only because we loved her dearly, and wanted proof all the time that "we" as a family were okay. That her love and attention to her "babies" was the greatest gift we ever got.

That we would never have put someone we didn't love and respect through the wringer, just to prove that she loved us despite everything.

That because we all had problems, her stepping up and protecting us and putting our best interests front and center was and is appreciated, even when we hated it.

That her grace in accepting the good feelings and bad made her a better Mother than we could have ever expected or hope for.

That in taking on being a Mother despite the challenges of taking on three deeply troubled children who were 7 to 11 and one crazy ex-wife, makes her the single most amazingly compassionate strong woman I have every had the honour to love me.

That when I compare my own best Mom moments, it is to her I hold my standard. And so, now my children benefit from her.

That in having her in my life, I KNOW deeply and in my heart of hearts that it really does take just one person to change a life, a person, a family, and a World.

[LionTigerBear]

I wish my stepdad had realized it was okay to show physical affection and really get to know me. We never really bonded at all. I am more comfortable around him now that I'm an adult.

I had a stepmom, too, and she was great. Very patient and loving, she just genuinely thought I was all that, even when I purposely tried to make her mad-- -- she just never got mad! : She really made a big impact in my life. She's not with my dad anymore but we are still in contact to this day.

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by Demeter9

That we would never have put someone we didn't love and respect through the wringer, just to prove that she loved us despite everything. .....

That when I compare my own best Mom moments, it is to her I hold my standard. And so, now my children benefit from her.

: :

[RiverSky]

I hated that I suddenly had to call my stepfather "Daddy" when I was 4...and was so incredibly relieved when my mother and he separated for a while when I was 16, because I could start calling him by his first name. I never returned to "Dad" ever again. I have a BIL who has his stepchildren call him by a father-type name (different from what they call their real dad, but it still means dad and it's what his biochild calls him, too) and it freaks me out, because well, every once in a while the 12 year old tries to call him by his name and instead he gets corrected. As much as I'm sure BIL loves and cares for and treats the children very well, I just wish the older boys didn't HAVE to call him by that name...they can still love him without having to call him that.

My mother and stepfather made me pretend my last name was his when we went to church or to the "country club", pretending he was my real father because they were worried about what people would think and I HATED it...I wanted my own name.

I hated that he didn't think of us as a father would think of his own children, yet he felt entitled to "punish" my brother (physically) for what he felt were transgressions, yet he had no love for him and things never got better, they only got worse. A step-parent should have no right to spank/hit/belt a step-child....none whatsoever, no matter WHAT the bio-parent says.

A step-parent should NOT become one if they are going to be bitter about what they give the child, the time the child takes of their partner, of what they might need to do for the child (driving the child, cleaning up after, feeding, parenting). My step-father really should never have had children...he simply had no parenting or even kindness instincts at all...he should have just found his sexual jollies elsewhere, with someone who had no children.

It drives me bonkers when I see posts in this forum where step-parents are complaining about the behavior of their step-children, or how they never get time with their partner because of the annoying step-child, who might have major problems related to the separation or death of his/her parents and who can 100% tell that the step-parent doesn't REALLY love them. My step-father never REALLY loved my brother and I and we knew it from toddlerhood. On the other hand, when my sister (his daughter) was born, she was treated completely differently from birth. I was old enough to never begrudge that, as I felt we had always been treated so poorly and was happy that at least my sister was not being treated poorly, but my younger brother did not have the maturity to feel that way, instead he felt jealous and hurt.

I think this is a great idea for a thread and a really good one for all step-parents to read.

[NotTheOnlyOne]

I havent read the whole thread, but this is what I wish I could have said to my stepmom: "I know you don't love me, you barely tolerate me. I hate you for taking away my father. Even now, as an adult, I haven't forgiven you. I wish I could, because there is blackness in my heart....and I want it to be gone. But I just can't figure out how to let it go."

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

I hated that I suddenly had to call my stepfather "Daddy" when I was 4... <snip> My mother and stepfather made me pretend my last name <snip> and I HATED it...I wanted my own name.

:

My stepfather also showed us very little, if any affection, and yet was perfectly comfortable meting out spankings and other punishments . . . Unfortunately, he thought he was doing the right thing.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

I wish my stepdad had realized it was okay to show physical affection and really get to know me. We never really bonded at all. I am more comfortable around him now that I'm an adult.

:

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

:

My stepfather also showed us very little, if any affection, and yet was perfectly comfortable meting out spankings and other punishments . . . Unfortunately, he thought he was doing the right thing.

Although my dad didn't show us affection (but did to his own daughter), he also never punished us.

My mom was the punisher and she had poor aim with the belt when she closed her eyes.

My dad adopted my brother and I when I was 8 and he was 11, although he had married my mom when I was 3.

We had our name changed (left up to us to choose whether or not to, although I said yes out of guilt) to my step dad's name when he legally adopted us and our father gave up his parental rights.

I wish I had been able to take my mother's maiden name when she divorced my father when I was 2.5 and married my dad when I was 3. I really didn't want to have either of their names.
I'm married a second time now, and I have my maiden name, which is my step dad's last name, and it just feels weird.

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

Although my dad didn't show us affection (but did to his own daughter), he also never punished us.

My mom was the punisher and she had poor aim with the belt when she closed her eyes. <snip>

I'm married a second time now, and I have my maiden name, which is my step dad's last name, and it just feels weird.

[Cherie2]

I wish she did not treat me as her competition over dads attention/affection.
I wish she didn't turn into Dr Jeckle when dad wasn't around and scream and yell over stupid little things.

I am glad she never asked me to call her Mom.
I am glad she didn't bad mouth my mother.

[sostinkinhappy]

My parents divorced when I was 18 and my mom remarried about 8 years later. My "new and improved dad" eventually adopted me as an adult when I was 26 years old--I changed my birth certificate and my last name to reflect my new identity. He has adopted 3 other of my siblings as they turned 18 (biodad refused to sign the paperwork before they turned 18, even though he was in prison for abusing the girls in our family).

I cannot imagine a more perfect father--he loves us fiercely and treats each of us as his own children. I know that I can always turn to him for wise counsel and sound advice. And he is a fantastic grandpa to my boys. What more could a girl ask for?

[JustJamie]

Treat all your kids equally, regardless of whether they're "yours" or "his".

My older brother and I were informed that the only way we could go to college was if we got at least 50% of the tuition covered by scholarships and financial aid. My younger brother (my stepmom's bio son) is going to an out of state school, and my dad/stepmom are paying his tuition. He never even applied for financial aid. Yes, I'm bitter.

Don't let your biological kids get away with behavior that you punish your stepkids for. My older brother and I would be grounded for a week at a time if we didn't make our beds as soon as we got up in the morning; my younger brothers are 19 and 15 and still don't know how to make a bed at all, much less any of the other chores my older brother and I were required to do. (Our own laundry, dinner dishes, mow the lawn, etc). I don't mind that we were required to do chores, but I did resent that my two younger brothers didn't have to do the same chores.

Do not try to incorporate "mom" or "mama" into your name for your step kids. They will call you Mom if and when they choose to do so, and it is not your right to appropriate the title for yourself. If anyone else in the family, yours or his, tries to have your step kids call you "mom" or "mama", correct that person in front of the kids. The single thing that damaged my/my brother's relationship with our stepmom more than anything was our aunts (father's sisters) informing us that we needed to call her Mama Lynn. No, she was NOT our mother, and no we would NOT be referring to her as such. Now, 20 years later, I refer to her quite lovingly as my 2nd mom, and I do feel that way about her...but that's MY choice to make, not anyone else's, and all my aunts accomplished was inspire further resentment against our stepmom in my brother and me.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by JustJamie

Treat all your kids equally, regardless of whether they're "yours" or "his".

My older brother and I were informed that the only way we could go to college was if we got at least 50% of the tuition covered by scholarships and financial aid. My younger brother (my stepmom's bio son) is going to an out of state school, and my dad/stepmom are paying his tuition. He never even applied for financial aid. Yes, I'm bitter.

Don't let your biological kids get away with behavior that you punish your stepkids for. My older brother and I would be grounded for a week at a time if we didn't make our beds as soon as we got up in the morning; my younger brothers are 19 and 15 and still don't know how to make a bed at all, much less any of the other chores my older brother and I were required to do. (Our own laundry, dinner dishes, mow the lawn, etc). I don't mind that we were required to do chores, but I did resent that my two younger brothers didn't have to do the same chores.

Your post bothered me I know I grew up more spoiled than my siblings :, and I did not grow up in blended family. I simply was the youngest of the bunch, which meant by the time I was growing up my parents were more finanacially secure (my dad's company took off), and I think in many ways they were tired of being strict parents.

I thought about this before, and now your post made me worried... Today we don't own a house (DSD is 14 y.o., and has her own room at our place), we are doing ok, but I can tell that things are slowly picking up, and in a few years we might be in a much better place financially than we are right now. I'd hate to think that DSD will look back on this and think "wow, my siblings (unborn yet heheh) get a lot more than I did at my dad's growing up". I worry she'd just look at it as if we didn't treat her equally... She is truly our world today, and I don't want her to ever feel mistreated and unloved. We are planning for college, but can we afford an out of state tuition in four years? Dunno