Why Not To Tickle?

[lunar forest]

Someone posted a link on another thread, and I came across this article:

Why Not To Tickle My Child?

I'd never really thought about it before. Tickling is something that dh is always very careful about, and he often tells me to stop tickling ds after a while. Dh has many issues from his childhood, so I guess it never accurd to me that this could be such a big deal.
Excerpt:

What makes tickling problematic is that children may not be able to say when to stop, or to get away when they want to. Most of us remember unpleasant or frightening times when we wanted a tickler to stop, but we were laughing so hard we couldn't tell them. Even worse was when we said "Stop!" or tried to escape, and the tickler continued on anyway. Often, while adults are tickling a child, they think they're aware of what's too much and when to stop. But it's easy to overwhelm a child without knowing it.

I do have some bad memories of being tickled. Just as they say in the article, I did feel very powerless and sometimes it really was not enjoyable at all.

It just never seemed like a big deal to me, but now I'm really begining to question it. I think it is much better for the child to tickle you, than you to tickle them - I know ds has much more fun when he is the one "getting" someone else.

[lunar forest]

I thought the suggestions in this article were also really good. For example:

When you offer playful affection to your child, let the play "breathe" after each affectionate move. You nibble your child's toes, and then let go and see what response he has. If he gets up and runs away, you can lumber after him on hands and knees, trying for a long time before you finally nibble a toe again, with lots of laughter in the chase.

And:

It is good to try to playfully inform a child about what to expect, "Oh, that tummy is just too soft a pillow--I love that pillow!" before burrowing.

I'm not convinced that tickling should never be done, but I think this is a good point. I like the idea of pretending to tickle (wiggling fingers around their belly or sides, but not touching) so that the child doesn't feel traped.

[LunaMom]

I have always hated being tickled, and remember many, many times where i felt panicky and out of control because the tickler wouldn't stop. People who are not very ticklish themselves don't understand that the laughter is a reaction and it does not mean in any way that the person is enjoying it. It's a horrible feeling!

That said, my daughter ENJOYS being tickled! She'll tickle herself or ask me to tickle her. And I do exactly what is suggested above - I'll do it for a second or two, then stop.

I think tickling kids goes against what we try to teach them about being in control of who touches their bodies and how they touch them. I don't think occasional tickling is a problem if the child seems to want it, but lots of people go too far with this. My dd actually had a radiology technician give her a raspberry on the belly and she was really put off by it (and so was I, as you could imagine). He really was just trying to be playful, but I thought it was inappropriate. Kids' bodies deserve just as much respect as anyone else's.

[nikirj]

I hate being tickled because I was overtickled as a kid. DH will forget every now and then, and he gets slapped. It seriously freaks me out.

But my kids LOVE being tickled. I give the a superquick tickle and always give big breaks, but usually they stick that foot right back up or pull my hand right back down :-). DH is very sensitive to that, too, thankfully.

As with most things about parenting, I think that this is more about listening to your kids and being attentive to their feelings than about saying "don't do X", you know?

[lunar forest]

I've always been very uncomfortable with other people (especially strangers!) touching ds. My fear is that if I tickle him to the point where he feels powerless, and he gets used to that feeling, I may just be setting him up to allow others to touch him when he is uncomfortable with it! If that will result from tickling ds I will never do it again!!!
Having said that, I honestly don't think that what we have been doing with tickling would ever be a problem (but as you said, LunarMom, we've been doing what they say to do in this article.)

I think a lot, if not most children really do enjoy being tickled, but I think that one needs to be very careful with it because it can have such an effect on them. I think that the "guidlines" they give in that article are really good, and if one is following them (e.i. respecting your children, and being extra sensitive to what they really want, etc.) than their are no worries. Right?

I guess it's just such a revelation to me, as I have never put much thought into it. Parents tickle their children, and there's nothing wrong with that; it's good for children and parents to have physical contact. That's all the thought I put into it. Silly me. :

[lilyka]

I never really liked being tickled much as a kid and find it really irritating now so I have always been cautios about tickling my children. I do thelittle tickles and then wait and then some more. i also stick to thier feet, back of thier neck sodt tickling and not the full on crazy tickles. If that makes any sense

Also i don't like it when other people tickle them. it just seams like such an intamate thing. maybe it is just that I don't trust people to stop. When my dd says stop tickling we stop. no questions. I hated it so much as a child when I would tell people to stop and they wouldn't.

[NoHiddenFees]

DD loves to be tickled, but we have a ritual and respect her cues. DH or I will tickle her belly or knees very briefly. If she's into it, she'll either throw her head back and grin or look expectantly and that's the signal to do it again. We do this a few times, then she'd done... her countenance changes... though she's still grinning. She also likes to be picked up and have a nose rubbed in her belly (gales of laughter)... but is quite capable of saying, "put back down." When she's done, we're done.

[Peppermint]

Wow! I thought I was the only one who hates to be tickled. I was "over tickled" as a child by a certain person, to the point where I honestly feel it was abusive (and I know that is a stong term to use). As an adult I do not allow other to tickle me at all.
I was a Resident Assistant in college and I will never forget 3 of my "guys" (residents) picking me up out of my room, carrying me out into another room all the while tickling me and they just would not stop. Now, I loved these guys and am still in touch with one of them, and I know their intentions were purely loving and playful, but wow, that was a really bad memory. I told them when they finally stopped never to do it again, and that it made me uncomfortable, and that made them feel bad, which made me feel bad, cause as I said their intentions were playful, and a different person would've found that so cute from them, KWIM?

All that said, my children request "tickle time" and we happily oblige, they know that mommy does not like to be tickled, but that isn't much of an issue, as they are the kind who prefer to receive the tickles. We do give them time (breaks) to stop , but they just never want to, we always end up stopping when dh and I are worn out, the kids never want to stop-with us. My BIL often tries to "force tickle" and he also has good intentions, but we do not allow it, and we tell him how that is not the way to get their affection, as they should only be tickled when they ask for it.

I am glad this was brought up, I don't feel like such a freak now.

[joesmom]

i tickle joe when he asks me to & stop when he says to stop. if it got to the point where he was crying & laughing then it would not be fun for me either, ya know? it makes me sad to think of all the parents who tickle their kids till they get physically sick. to the parents, that is cute. not me. joe says, tickle myself! don't tickle myself. & what he says goes!!

[noodle4u]

WE had a game called 'tickle torture' growing up. My older sister(s) would chase us younger ones around and when they caught us they would tickle us until it hurt and we would sometimes cry. I seriously dont know if I loved or hated that game.
There are many people who would benefit from reading this. I also dont like other people trying to tickle my daughter.

[barbara]

I agree that people should read this. I'm always amazed that so many people think it is perfectly fine to go up to strange children and tickle them. I think children can accept a lot more for those that they know love them, but when strangers (or relatives, unfamilar to the child) are doing the tickling, it can leave a completely different impact on the child.

IMO by the time a child says stop, the tickling (or any other rough housing) has already gone too far.

edited to correct the typos

[lunar forest]

Originally posted by noodle4u
I seriously dont know if I loved or hated that game.

You bring up a very good point. I have many memories of being tickled as a child, some of which I have very mixed feelings about. I think it is so hard for the child to know how they feel about it. On one hand they love the physical contact, and the attention, and actually being tickled, which is why they may even ask for it. On the other hand, they may have had more than they can handle but they still want it, and it may even hurt, but it is a "fun" thing to do.

I think that children often have a hard time understanding their own feelings. As a child I would be tickled upon request, I would "try" to get away in play, and come running back for more, etc. Sometimes I was just plain overstimulated and couldn't handle it anymore, but didn't even realize it. I would have mixed feelings towards to tickler (i.e. love/hate,) instead of understanding that all I really wanted was for it to be over.

I think this is the problem that my dh has with tickling. Ds is very sensitive to begin with, so it takes very little to overstimulate him.

[journeymom]

Wow wow wow! What a great bunch of responses! I do not tolerate being tickled now. I was tickled to the point of tears by my older brother when we were kids. I still worshiped and adored him. He regrets it now; I know because his wife told me. Abuse is a strong but appropriate word.

I'm very careful to monitor dh when he's romping with the kids. He doesn't understand the idea that the kids might not like it even when they're laughing. And I get panicky if I hear one of them laughing that really long laugh uninterupted by a breath.

Either Dear Abby or Anne Landers talked about tickling in terms of abuse, years ago. And here's my outlandish theory: you could compare it to sexual abuse, in that some victims have confusion and guilt about the pleasurable sexual feelings they experience (to sexual abuse, not sexual responses to tickling). Our bodies are programed to respond to certain stimuli a certain way, whether our heads know it's gone too far or not.

Well that was a rather convoluted paragraph. Hope I made some sense.

[delphine]

This has been a really thought provoking thread for me. It has always bothered DH when I would tickle Ds (which I hardly ever do). I always thought he was being silly. He says it's a form of torture (he'll even go into studies that show that tickling was used in some cultures as torture).
I honestly never thought he was serious until I read this thread. I guess I always thought of tickling as a sort of light-hearted fun. Yes, I remember being pinned down by my older siblings (I have 5 of them) and getting the "tickle torture" but I always thought it was pretty harmless...even though I hated it.

Thank you for giving me some food for thought. I am going to print out the article for my dh.

[DebraBaker]

I hate to be tickled. Likely negative childhood experiences that I can't even remember (we got teased a bit as children and if we wanted the teasing to stop they would only tease or irritate that much more it was very hard for me because I wear my emotions on my sleeve.)

My dh thinks I'm a grouch because of this (although he's actually more grouchey than I am most of the time)

I *hate* to see children being tickled until they get upset...I think it's borderline abuse and won't tolerate it.

'Never thought there would be an article devoted to the issue.

DB

[sadie_sabot]

Wow!!! this is totally pushing my buttons!

I think if someone who didn't know my dd tried to tickle her I'd punch 'em out! (no, not really. I'd just want to)

I'm glad to have read this thread because now I'm thinking about it and will be prepared if anyone ever does try to tickle her, so I can ask them not to.

I do tickle dd, it's with lots of build-up and very brief (2 seconds) tickles. Reading all of this is reminding me how flippin' horrible tickling can be; so I'm going to be very thoughtful about how I do it with the babe.

I also tickle dp, and freak out when he tickles me. i can dish it out but.... :

[lunar forest]

Oh, I'm so glad that this thread was helpful and thought provoking. I was afraid that no one would take is seriously.

[EFmom]

My dd loves to be tickled and will often crawl into my lap and beg me to tickle her. She controls it, though. She tells me which knee or foot or where on her back to tickle, or whether to tickle fast or slow. I follow her instructions and she giggles joyfully. I never tickle her against her will.

[Mothernature]

"And here's my outlandish theory: you could compare it to sexual abuse, in that some victims have confusion and guilt about the pleasurable sexual feelings they experience (to sexual abuse, not sexual responses to tickling). Our bodies are programed to respond to certain stimuli a certain way, whether our heads know it's gone too far or not."

ITA Journeymom. My father was an abusive tickler. It was one over the top way he could come up with to relate to us. He also used to hug me really tight with a blanket wrapped around me and tell me he would never let me go. I would come up with scenerios (school, bathroom, work, etc) that he would have to let me go and he would just say no not even then. I would start to get panicky and eventually he would let me go, but it was always waaaay too late. Same with the tickling. I do think it had a serious, negative impact on my personal boundaries and what I would allow outside my comfort zone. I've just discovered a major issue and it's roots that I didn't even realize was there. Wow!

[Aaudreysmom]

Thanks for the thread. I too remember being tickeled too much by my mom. I couldn't tell her to stop and because I was laughing she thought I was having fun. You know I've never thought of that until now.

I am more careful with tickeling my dd (not that I feel I ever over-tickeled) but I tickel her a little and let her have plenty of time to recover before doing it again.