My DD is falling apart

[witch's mom]

My DD is 11 and in sixth grade at her elementary school. She's a mild-mannered, gentle-natured girl who has two very close girlfriends at school and two more who are slightly less close, but part of her group there. She's been attending this school since first grade and has always been very comfortable there.

She had a cold about three weeks ago, and at the end of it, one day at swim practice she got out of the pool crying and complaining about a headache. Figuring it was congestion-related, I gave her Tylenol (which solved it) and she was fine.

A week later, she got a headache at home. More crying. More Tylenol, which solved the problem. I also took her to see the pediatrician, who said it might be sinus-related, but couldn't be sure. I figured we'd wait it out.

Then came this week. On Monday, the school nurse called to say DD was in the office with a headache, crying. I came and picked her up, gave her Tylenol, she was fine within 15 minutes. Sent her to school the next day, but mid-morning the nurse called, saying DD was in the office crying and complaining about a stomach ache. I went and got her, and her stomach felt better when we got home, but she said her head hurt. I quizzed her a little about how she was feeling emotionally and she said she just got upset when she didn't feel good. Which has always been true of her. She cries if
she has to tell someone she doesn't feel well. I probed a little to see if there might be any social issues, any problems with her friends, anything upsetting her about school. She said no, and really seemed to mean it. I figured she must have a little bug or maybe something related to her sinuses--she still had some congestion. She went on to have a peaceful, energetic afternoon. (?)

Wednesday, I kept her home, wanting to let her sleep in and also to get my own assessment of her physical condition. Which seemed fine, for the most part. She had a little headache in the morning, and a little one at night at bedtime, but she didn't need any medication and she was up and around, high energy, bounding around the house, all day. She happily did all the homework that was sent home; seemed excited to go to school on Thursday.

But Thursday morning, as the time to leave the house got closer, she complained about a headache again and cried. I sat her down and asked her very directly how the crying was related to the headache. She said she didn't know, just that sometimes she feels like crying. Sometimes she feels like crying and THEN her head hurts, and sometimes it's the other way around. She couldn't explain her feelings--this is not unusual for her. She's not much of a talker. The whole episode was over within about 10 minutes--no more headache, no more crying.

I kept her home from school and got her in to see our regular pediatrician yesterday morning. He confidently diagnosed a sinus infection and wrote a prescription for antibiotics. I'm never eager to give those, but I hoped this would be the end of it. I started her on them yesterday and the plan was that DD would go back to school today, pop into the nurse's office if she had a headache and needed Tylenol, but that based on her past few days of feeling GREAT except for the brief times when she had headache flashes, she should have no trouble getting through the day.

But this morning, after we walked to school--her chatting happily with her girlfriends--when we got on campus, she walked beside me (instead of with her friends) and when I asked how she was doing, she said she felt like crying. I took her to an area where it was just the two of us and asked if she knew why. By now she was crying, but she couldn't say why. It's just a feeling, she said. I asked if she wanted me to let her teacher know she was having a bit of a rough time and she said they were having a sub today. (Apparently one of her friends told her this.) I asked if this was upsetting her and she said, yes, maybe. I told her she needed to be able to get through the day, and she said she knew that. She took a couple deep breaths and said, okay, let's go. She went into the classroom, I briefly spoke to the sub (who is a very nice woman who they've had before) to let her know DD had been out for a few days and was having a slightly emotional transition back in. It's almost noon now and the school hasn't called me. (I did pop into the nurse's office and ask them to please encourage her back to class if she shows up in there today. I said if she's got a fever or obvious symptoms, by all means, send her home, but if it's a headache and crying, to give her Tylenol, let her rest for a few minutes, and to kindly encourage her back to class.)

But WHAT could be going on with her? I believe she's got a little something physical happening in her head, but there's obviously a huge emotional component here, too. Could it just be hormone surges? She's 11, developing, has a little acne, but is generally very level-headed and stable. How do I help her with this? It seems goofy to say that she's missed almost a week of school because she's felt like crying!

I'm reminded of how she was when she was a toddler. It feels like a bit of an attachment issue. She's okay as long as she's with me, or at home. Something about getting through the schoolday is making her anxious. Never before has she had reason to go to the nurse's office, so maybe that really freaked her out? The nurse took her physical complaints seriously, because she'd never had her in there before, but also asked if there could be something emotional going on.

I know DD wanted me to "save" her this morning and let her come home, but I feel that will only prolong the problem. Also, too much sympathy at school will prolong her crying, too. I believe that if this is just a hormonal blip or a brief anxious reaction to having been sick at school, supporting her through making it through the whole schoolday will help her. But if it's something more, I don't want to be forcing her into a miserable situation and making her cope with something she really cannot handle.

Now my mind's going crazy and I'm imagining this as some start to a huge depression problem or something.

Anyone have any insight to share? I'm very worried about my girl.

[Marcee]

My son is almost 12 and in the sixth grade and while he is doing very well I know it is hard for a lot of kids. I see many of his friends struggling. My poor niece had a horrible 6th grade year last year. She is actually homeschooling this year. Things are going much better for her.

I seem to remember 6th grade being rough. I had lots of stomach aches due to stress. Things got better for me and by the time I was in 8th grade I loved school again.

[`guest`]

I agree with pp that this age is a toughie. She will probably get her period soon, breasts, all that. SHe needs you more now that she is going through this. WHen my kids go through these hard bits, I just reassure them it's going to be okay, they can do it...I believe in them. But man, is it hard! And success as a human being, in life is small "failures", you know, it's how you handle these times, with grace and love (hopefully!) Big hugs to you both.

[girlmama28]

My 9 year old daughter had a similiar problem last year and we ending up keeping her home 2nd semester and homeschooling her. She went back to school in the fall without a problem. She just was going through a "stage" and needed some extra mama time and support. That said, your daughter may really be ill, and feeling ill can make you really emotional. I would have a physical and some blood work done, just to make sure it's not a medical problem, and then provide her with extra love and support during a difficult time. In the meantime, for you.

[Arduinna]

It sounds like she doesn't have the capability for whatever reason of clearly explaining what is happening. As someone that suffers from sinus issues it can make you feel totally not yourself. How has she been sleeping? Sinus problems can cause sleeping issues which also makes people feel not themselves. I was quite confidant that it was a sinus issue just reading your post long before you got to the part about her finally being dx and given the rx. I'd give it at least a week or two before expecting to see her returning to her normal self, if the meds cure the problem. Sometimes a different antibiotic is needed. She only started the meds yesterday, unless I misunderstood your post.

I know DD wanted me to "save" her this morning and let her come home, but I feel that will only prolong the problem. Also, too much sympathy at school will prolong her crying, too. I believe that if this is just a hormonal blip or a brief anxious reaction to having been sick at school, supporting her through making it through the whole schoolday will help her. But if it's something more, I don't want to be forcing her into a miserable situation and making her cope with something she really cannot handle.

She is genuinely sick and being sick makes people feel more needy, I'd respect what is happening to her and give her what she needs, compassion, consoling and a little pampering.

[Phantaja]

When I was eleven my mother thought that I was insane. I, too, would have crying jags and bursts of actual, physical pain and didn't know why. Looking back, I realize that some of it was stress that I didn't quite know how to place, and some of it was killer PMS. Sometimes my emotions were so wonky that I'd be laughing and crying at the same time, sometimes I'd think that I was crying because I was nauseated, but later realize that I'd worked myself into a stomach frenzy.

I can't tell you what to do with your daughter, but I can tell you what I wish that someone had done for me.

One, I wish that someone would've respected that I wasn't a baby. I didn't know what my body was going to next most of the time, and no one offered me enough privacy to figure it out. You know how sometimes, as a woman, you just need a little time to reflect and re-group? Well, at that age, I needed a little time, too. I had my own life and problems by then.

At the same time, I wanted someone to be around. Did I neccesarily need my mother in the room with me all the time? Nope. But I did need her down the hall and available to talk if I needed her. And just sitting is nice. When I said that I didn't know why I was crying, I really didn't know. I couldn't vocalize it, but even though I didn't want to be hovered over, I didn't want to be alone.

But the times that I did know what was wrong with me...oh boy. Looking back, it was totally trivial. At the time it was earth shattering. Once a tampon fell out of my bag in social studies. Still in the wrapper. It was a simple oops. I didn't want to go to school for days after. Another time one of my friends said something mean about me, and I had a complete meltdown. Or a boy found out that I liked him and I was embarassed.

Eleven's a funny age, or at least it was for me. Where before, all of a childs issues were tangible, (Food. Toys. An owie only needed a Band-Aid. And before that breast or bottle/ a lovey/ bed) all of a sudden there are feeling that she can't see or touch so the logical explaination is to turn them into something that's visible and physical, because physical pain is easier than emotional.

I'm probably rambling by now, and I don't have any girls so please take all of this with a grain of salt. I do hope that she sorts it all out soon.

[Oriole]

Hmm.. I work with 6th-graders, and I know of only one child who had trouble making it through the day. It lasted only the first few weeks... She adjusted to middle school, and has conquered her fears. It was happening in the beginning of the school year, not in the middle (which would make more sense to me).

Today, if I saw a child crying on a daily basis - I wouldn't assume that it was just hormones (although I guess it could be ). I would guess there is something going on with her friends. Bullying, or serious problems with a teacher would be flying through my mind...

I get an impression that it started all of a sudden (?) Could there have been an incident that you are not aware of? Teachers might know these things sometimes, but assume that parents are aware, or do not realize how serious some kids are affected by their peers.

I would try to talk with your daughter about this when she is calm and not crying. I might also ask the teacher if she has noticed anything going on...

Hope it all works out for you! *hugs*

[laoxinat]

:
Yup, bullying gets my vote. See if you can find Barbara Coloroso's book Bullies, the Bullied and Bystanders. This may help you and school foks get to the bottom of things. Kids often will deny being bullied and act like they don't want you to intervene. But sometimes we gotta... to you and dd.

[transformed]

Hormones.

[witch's mom]

Thanks for the replies and wisdom. You're all helping me get some perspective.

Here's what happened yesterday after I left her at school:

She cried off and on at her desk for the first 90 minutes of the day, while the substitute teacher worried about her. She did her work, and went to the bathroom several times.

At 10 a.m., she asked to go to the nurse to take some Tylenol, saying she felt a headache coming on. In the nurse's office, crying, she took the Tylenol, did NOT ask to go home, went back to class.

The sub, worried about her, suggested she stay in at recess, which she did. She read Harry Potter (an old familiar book she's ready millions of times).

Her friends, meanwhile, checked in with her constantly, urging her to come and play, asking her what was wrong. She just kept saying she didn't know.

Reading seemed to calm her, the sub said. After everyone came in from first recess and she put Harry Potter away, it was like the sun came out. She wasn't crying anymore, she began smiling and laughing and joking with her seatmates and friends, participating in classroom discussions, being her usual cheerful self.

I have been in contact with her regular teacher all week, and she reports nothing abnormal. She asked around among a couple of the kids to see if anyone was aware of anyone being mean to DD, or anything that might have upset her. No. All she got was (what she felt was) genuine concern. DD is in a class of 25 kids, the only class of sixth graders there, and they're a close-knit group. The teacher has a complaint box and holds class meetings every Thursday to deal with issues that get brought up in the complaint box. She's fairly on top of the social landscape in the class, and if she's hearing nothing and I'm hearing nothing and DD's reporting nothing and Dd's functioning normally within her close group of friends (which she is as we walk to and from school), I'm not inclined to look too much further for bullying. If this seems head-in-the-sandish, by all means, mamas, tell me!

There are a couple of other things that might be at work. The curriculum, for example. They've been studying Egypt and mummies, and in a few of DD's games with her sister, I've heard the term "afterlife" come up. The class also read a book recently about a kid who gets in a plane crash after the pilot has a heart attack. Everyone thinks the kid's dead, but in fact he's alive in the wilderness with nothing but a hatchet, and for two months he survives by himself while no one's even looking for him. DD did mention that social studies is a little "creepy" right now, with so much death and war. It's possible that the subject matter is creeping into her hormone-confused brain and causing her some anxiety.

She's in a rather sensitive phase right now, and has been for awhile. A couple months ago, the class went to science camp for a week and DD cried off and on the whole time because she was so homesick, although she had gone off all excited and certain it would be a blast. (And she did have many great moments there; she just missed her family desperately.) She's acting very much like she did as a toddler, when she was rarely defiant or strident, but tended to be clingy and nervous away from me or from home. It surprises me to see her going through this at a school she's attended since first grade, but it really harkens back to her babyhood, when scary stories got to her--sometimes in weird ways, like when she screamed and screamed when the toaster broke on Teletubbies and toast flew all around the room--and new people/situations were viewed as unwelcome. (She always used to get upset if there was a substitute preschool teacher.) She often cried for seemingly no reason, but she wasn't very verbal. And, I've got to admit, she still isn't. Oh, she can talk and talk and talk, but she has a very hard time directly describing any feelings, whether she's still upset or not. She'll say things like, "I don't like it when there's too many new people around," or "Today would've been a perfect day, except that we had an unexpected substitute." She can say that she feels like crying, but she can rarely say why. "I don't know" is her most common answer if anyone asks her what's wrong.

Someone on another thread--I think it's the one about nurturing older kids--said something about starting over at age 10, that the brain enters a similar growth phase then as it did when these kids were babies. I wonder if that might help explain why DD's behavior is so toddlerish. Also, this is her last year at this elementary school--next year middle school looms, and she knows middle school is full of unfamiliar faces and situations. She says she's actually looking forward to middle school, but I do not expect that transition to be easy.

In reading back through this, there's plenty there to merit some anxiety on her part, especially if she's made further vulnerable by a physical condition (sinus infection), so I guess I'm back to my initial concern. How do I help her cope?

[Openskyheart]

My dd is 11 years old too, and I have a 13 year old son. For my son, 11 was a difficult age. He became far less social, he was grumpy, picky, difficult, wouldn't go to his homeschool workshops, everything was "boring," and I got really worried. Then, around his 12th birthday, he started puberty, and seemingly overnight, he changed. He became happier, more cooperative, and social than he had ever been in his life. He was, for the most part, delightful! Now, at 13, he's still delightful. Eleven was just a tough age for him, and looking back, I can see that he was going through major hormonal changes. He started puberty early, and so was more like a 13 year old at 11 than he is now, at 13. Of course, having been through all of this with him, I know that he could wake up tomorrow, and start a difficult time again. Hormones!

Since I've been through this already with my son, my dd - who is very emotional, outgoing, dramatic, artistic, and did I mention emotional and dramatic is going through similar things, though she isn't becoming reclusive like my son did. She takes ballet 5 days a week, and adores her friends and teachers at her studio, but came out of class last night crying that her teacher favors her best friend, and that she'll never ever meet her goals with dance, etc. She was hysterical! I have learned, though, to just listen, be compassionate, and when she calms down, question her negative assumptions about what is really happening. Since your daughter doesn't talk about her feelings - neither did/does my son - you'll need to be patient, ask questions, and listen, but don't make such a big deal of it (easy for me to say, now that I'm on kid number 2 going through all of this).

My kids never get emotional in their classes, at their friend's houses, or anywhere else public. They do tend to save it all up for me, but just because other kids aren't doing it in public places, like at school, doesn't mean they aren't doing it at home! We just spent Thanksgiving weekend with good friends of our family. They have a 14 year old son, and an 11 year old daughter. I can tell you, their 11 year old is highly dramatic and emotional. A couple of times in 3 days, she slammed her door, screamed, and cried. Her dad thinks she needs therapy, and pointed out that he's never seen my daughter do any of these things. I laughed and said that's because we're not at our house.

The mom of my dd's quietest and most mellow 11 year old friend shared with me yesterday how angry her daughter has been at her lately - getting really upset if things aren't exactly how she wants them to be, etc.

Just my long winded way of saying - hang in there mama. We're just beginning to get a taste of the hormonal freak outs to come. I'm using this stage to work on my compassion and patience - which I'm able to muster most of the time - unless I'm PMSing, of course, and then watch out if both dd and I are having simultaneous hormonal freak outs! Sigh. I also agree with Arduinna that your dd has been sick, and it's known that sinus infections, and bronchitis can cause some people to feel depressed, not unlike a clinical depression (I have a tendency to contract both of these illnesses myself - and when I get depressed, I forget that it's the illness that's causing it, and my doctor and husband have to remind me - the depression feels that real at the time).

[Viewfinder]

Do you or can you sit in her class with her?

My dd, 3rd grade, has a very difficult teacher; and she was starting be sick and unable to go to school, until I started just showing up to "observe," not volunteer for the class, but just sit there next to my dd, and help her if appropriate, but mostly, just be there for her, a rock, the voice of reason in a classroom of chaos. She needed me to witness what was happening in the class, because it is complex... the teacher is sometimes good, sometimes okay, and sometimes very, very bad. I think she just got to a place where she couldn't articulate how stressful it is to be in that class, how crazymaking it is.

I sat with her for several days, an hour here, a couple there, always unannounced. It made a big, big difference in dd's attitude and her sense of security. She knows that I know she was not exaggerating anything at all, because I sat there and watched it. She's been able to integrate an understanding that her teacher is a little wacky and mean sometimes, and it probably has to do with her own issues in life, and that seems to have eased some stress on dd. The teacher's verbal abuse and her sexist viewpoints and teaching idiosyncracies don't feel so personally directed at dd, now. I'm teaching her other ways to disarm the teacher's rocket launchers of "meanie" before she takes aim, and they're working pretty well.

Good luck.

VF

[cherrymary]

I remember this!!! I remember being 11 or 12 (I got my period at 13) and getting ready to go to school and just bursting into tears - and I didn't even know why! (Familiar feeling now... ) And I also remember very clearly what my mom did, she just came right over and gave me a hug and just held me, and even though I had no clue what was going on, I was like "I should remember this for when I have kids!" Just be open to the possibility that maybe she doesn't know either what's up with her, and then if there is something in particular that's bugging her she'll come out with it eventually. to you mama

[Roar]

If she's still having headaches I would take her back to the pediatrician. Not all sinus infections can be treated by the first antibiotic they try. Sinus infections may sound like nothing but they can make a person feel really terrible. I would consider the headache a real symptom of physical trouble until it is proven otherwise.

[mamaduck]

Has she had her eyes checked recently? I was getting headaches as a kid when I needed glasses.

[fek&fuzz]

What stood out for me was that she didn't want to go to recess, was anxious leading up to recess and then was relieved when it was over. There might be something going on there - games changing to be more boy & girl related which she isn't comfortable with, feeling left out, something may have happened during recess that is making her dread it.

Maybe one of her teachers could need her to stay in during recess to help with a project or to get extra credit, just for a week to start with, and see if that lessens the anxiety. If it helps, see if it can be something permanent - perhaps helping with a younger grade or tutoring someone.

Your poor lamb. I wouldn't be 11 again (well maybe 11, but not 12 to 17) for all the money in the world.

[witch's mom]

fek&fuzz, one thing I didn't mention in my earlier post is that after she started feeling better on Friday, she was out to lunch recess happily and had a great time playing with her friends. At least that's what the teacher told me, and DD told me about some of the funny stuff they did out there. Why would one recess in a day cause her stress, but not the other?

She's had a great weekend--no headaches, no tears. I asked if her head feels any better since she's been on the antibiotics and she said it doesn't really feel any different, but that it feels fine.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I suspect it might be a little tough for her, just because it's the beginning of the week. I said something today about Christmas vacation coming up in a couple weeks and she said despairingly, "Two weeks?! That's forEVER!"

Thanks for all the replies. They're helping me see that this might not be that uncommon, that 11 can be a tough age.

[fek&fuzz]

That's good to know about the recess.

Would she be willing to try acupuncture? That is the only thing that helps me when I get terrible sinus pain. It can also help with general stress, so it might be good for her.

[Mama Poot]

I was like that at 11. I started my period at 10 and used to get terrible headaches and all those wonderful PMS things. Has your daughter started her cycle yet? If not, this could be a signal that it might be coming soon. I hope she feels better

[2crazykids]

Ugh! 11! I was miserable at 11...All I can really remember was feeling like I was going to get my period any second! (I got it at 3 weeks shy of 13) and my reallllly bad perm! ::

Tough stuff...


RE: The headaches: Could she be allergic to mold growing in the school? I can't even walk in the door of my basement b/c of the mold. I get strong, debilitating headaches almost instantaneously.

Hope things start to look up soon. Maybe she just needs a relaxing vacation or a day at the spa with mom!