my mother is cRaZy...i've been cut OFF.

[chrysalis]

ok. a lot of you know about my mother and my relationship...so now i need input here. we got into it on the way back from the pediatrician just now...i'm sobbing my eyes out here trying to replay the argument all the way home that we had...my mom LOVES to guilt trip me and this time she actually told me i'm SICK or something to the you are crazy route...i told her no, she is the one who is ILL and needs big time help. all this stemmed from her defensiveness in regards to her telling me that when i meet w/ a child counselor re. meghan (she is acting out big time) that maybe it can be as she called it 'all of us' (meaning her, her boyfriend greg and me) so we can make sure we all stay on the same page. i said um NOT. i said right off the bat it will be ME, meghs' MOTHER and after a while then yes, of course i'll have you guys come into the session(s) or whatever to figure out a common foundation in how megh is treated by the adults close to her family-wise.......my mom was VERY offended by this little news flash and we accelerated from there. somehow her boyfriend got brought up in the argument and i admitted that it was very unfair to just expect me to blindly trust this man, albeit 'friendly' and 'nice', (see my baby talk post for more info on THAT) that i'm not just going to bring him into the ring so to speak and have him be one of the 'parents' or even 'grandparent' in regards to my children...esp when it comes to how he interacts w/ my kids. she got VERY upset and nasty after i said this...and i went on to say how THEY are not 'raising' my kids, its like they are trying to parent her and such as well. ok yes, mind you, my megh has been kicking and biting and hurting my mom here and there and being rude...megh is obviously going thru something and hurting and is pissed. part is, i'm sure, our 2 years spent w/ my ex in MN...my mom was like well megh likes greg (ok mind you ALL of this conversation and yelling and crying is going on in front of megh and sleeping sheamas...DAMN HER. and damn me for not just ignoring her after she got all heated up...instead i fight back to justify my points as a mother to my mother) and i said well yes she does but SHE is a little girl. *I* as her mother am not just going to blindly trust or accept parenting or grandparenting from some man i barely know...yes he seems real sweet but certain things about how he acts worry me and i can't help but protect my daughter and feel concerned about why he's so friendly right off the bat. my mom said that is how he is....i said well baby talking to my kids isn't ok. telling my kids that he will have a talk w/ them if they don't listen to their mother or my mother isn't ok w/ me. she's like megh needs a positive male role model in her life...i said no she doesn't 'need' it.......in the future yes, but god, right off the bat when i don't really even know this guy for real.................i'm not going to blindly trust anyone like that anymore...especially a man. she was so offended.......she was like why are you assaulting me and blah blah blah....miss victim. i was telling her she didn't exactly raise me so great and always turns stuff on ME like i'm the one who is f*cked up and crazy and needing help and doing it all wrong and so forth.......it was an AWFUL argument, mamas, let me tell you. i even told my mom i never felt truly liked by her since i was real little.....after about 4. i said she expects me to just blindly trust and become this mirage of a family w/ all her boyfriends/husbands thruout my life and i'm not going to keep doing this. i am sure they mean well, she and greg, but my god...........i said just think greg needs to whooooooaaaaa back there dude. she was like should he just ignore meghan like larry, my ex, did? i said now you are going to extremes. i just think he's a bit over boundaries of mine as meghs' parent. anyway...that is the jist. it was horrible and my mom said not to call her and that they are no part in our lives anymore and so forth. i told her i see, i knew there were strings attached to all this help you are giving us. i also told her what's up w/ her wanting to get my will redone and she's always got it ready to be notarized w/ her as guardian number one and greg her boyf as number two. i told her how does she know i dont' have someone else i'd put megh and sheamas with....she was like why didn't you tell me i said cuz you assume its ALL ABOUT YOU GUYS. she said no she doesn't...yeah right. whatever. anyway so we've been cut off and that's that. now i have no mom and no help i suppose, no car to use..............i told her she is going to extremes and how cruel. she blames me for arguing in front of megh i'm sure. all MY fault....all my fault. i told her she always puts stuff on ME. never owns her part....she's always been like that...stubborn and lacking humility. she started crying like why am i doing this to her, how cruel i am and blah blah. miss victim. sorry, not buying into it. my mom has added a TON to how i got how i got in my relationships w/ men and women. its like we are close but not truly genuinely close. i don't know why she even helps me or has stayed in such close contact. sooooo megh and sheamas and i need to find other help and other care for them and so forth. she could just ignore me and still be there for the kids..................they don't deserve this. i told her i've seen her lose it w/ megh and megh needs her to be more of a rock, and she's like but YOU lost it w/ megh too....... (today meghan threw a hard hairbrush at my head and sheamas was on my lap......i did lose it. i put sheamas down and smacked meghs' butt once i was so livid and hurt and scared by her behavior. i know i was wrong in how i reacted but omg it freaked me out. my dd is acting like a lunatic lately.....extremes.....BIG TIME) sometimes i think i'm better off myself anyway. now i need to figure out how to get a car, more money and help from others. i'm not playing games w/ my mother anymore. she is sick and i don't care for her response re. greg. that is where this all stemmed from after all. she can't take the truth. i was like ANY good therapist or healthy parent will tell you i'm right on about how i feel and where i stand...........ugh. enough. i'm stressed out BIG TIME, my back hurts and my body hurts and my lochia is flowing stronger and i feel VERY alone and i can't believe she'd deal this sh*t out to me and not just accept my boundaries as a mother re. her boyfriend and her place in my kids lives. how immature. help...i need wisdom. i'm really hurting and can't believe how this has all shifted. this is bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't need this crap and neither did megh. :

did i mention i took sheamas to the pediatrician after MW weighed him today and was concerned he is now 9.12 and very lethargic...so much i couldn't wake him a few times to nurse....she was worried about blood sugar issues for him. so i was a WRECK the next time i couldn't wake him........sobbing my eyes out, totally stressed. megh kept giving me a hard time while i was trying to rouse him and then she threw the brush at me, also cracking a picture frame behind my head...it was scary to me...my dd is acting like a crazy person lately. my mom is really focusing on it and not responding nicely to megh for the most part. anyway so between megh and how she is acting and how my son was doing (he is fine btw...) and my mom totally saying they are out of the picture now, i've had quite a day.
maybe i'm somehow pushing my mom and greg away.....maybe i'm being too possessive? i don't think so...that is the ACOA in me saying that, taking the blame on me. my mom is sooo good at projecting shit onto me. and contradicting herself. so where did i learn it i told her.....from YOU. she was like why are you doing this to me...wahhhh wahhh wahhhh. hey i'm not perfect and sometimes lately megh drives me to the point of i can't believe this is MY dd acting how she does sometimes...i'm so worried for her, for us............and now we are cut off from my mom??? does this include her car??? amazing how others assume their roles in our family lives before inquiring about it w/ us. i gotta get to bed. i'm wiped out physically and emotionally...

[lisarussell]

lis, if you ever want to move to Yakima, WA we are 3 hours north of you. minimum wage here (as of Jan 1st, 2008) is 8.04/ hour and you can get an apartment for $5-$700 a month (cheapest living in the state with highest min wage.) At 3 hrs from your mom, she can visit (or not)

[chrysalis]

baby in arms...

lisa u r the sweetest. if i didn't love bend so much i might have taken u up on this...

[jrojala]

Hey lis, I wanted to tell you that I will email you in the morning about what I think of all this... I am so sorry babe, I want to give you a hug and let you cry all the sad out, but a (((cyber hug))) will have to do for now. Unless you are planning on a trip to MN anytime soon!
I'll email you tomorrow morning. XOXO
-jaz

[Kontessa]

I wish I knew what to say Worried about you.

[Curlita]

Sometimes it seems like you traded one difficult situation for another. I respect your choice not to involve your mom's BF in your parenting decisions. I think it's great that you are looking into therapy for you and Megh -- and I'd encourage you to include your mom -- not so much for Megh's sake as for yours and your mom's. Things might improve if the two of you had help communicating and building your relationship anew.

[sorteep]

Originally Posted by Curlita

Sometimes it seems like you traded one difficult situation for another. I respect your choice not to involve your mom's BF in your parenting decisions. I think it's great that you are looking into therapy for you and Megh -- and I'd encourage you to include your mom -- not so much for Megh's sake as for yours and your mom's. Things might improve if the two of you had help communicating and building your relationship anew.

: nak.. hugs

[chrysalis]

Originally Posted by Curlita

Sometimes it seems like you traded one difficult situation for another. I respect your choice not to involve your mom's BF in your parenting decisions. I think it's great that you are looking into therapy for you and Megh -- and I'd encourage you to include your mom -- not so much for Megh's sake as for yours and your mom's. Things might improve if the two of you had help communicating and building your relationship anew.

i know it. well, i DID move from here to the midwest 2 years ago to get AWAY from this woman. its like we have a serious love-hate relationship. i try and i try and she always wants to have these major strings attached and to control me. i love bend oregon so i stay here cuz its awesome to be here and for my children...

this morning as it is dec. 1st, i knew my cash assistance money would be available on my oregon card from the state, so i wanted to get some cash out to pay towards my rent and leave it for my mom in her car and to pay the $39. for meghs' skate lessons which was this morning...my mom totally left me hanging on that...no offer to use the car, so i just took it to get the money out at the ATM.

so when i got back and megh and i were just over at the resorts outdoor ice rink, i left my mom a message on her cell VM as she didn't answer. i simply just said we were over at meghs' ice skating lesson and if she and greg wanted to come watch her we were there...and that she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't wish to...and that i loved her and that maybe we could do a therapy sessions together to work stuff between us out...and that i left her money in a certain spot in her car towards our rent...that more was coming tomorrow as i could only w/draw a certain amount today.

when the lesson was over, megh and i were walking to the car to drive back to our place and there was my mom going to the car. i said megh, there's nanny! so we said nanny! mama! and waved. i'm not going to play it off like nothing is wrong between us but i'm not gonna play the silent game either. after all, she IS my mother and i do want a better relationship w/ her. i could tell my mom wanted to soften but then got all hard and cold and distant...i said are you taking the car? she said yes...wouldn't look me in the eyes. i said well when will you be back? she didn't answer that and just said she can drive us to our condo. i said well we have to go and get meghs' skate blade covers we just had to get $10 from the car to pay for them...we will be right back. all she said was how the baby is too cold outside...i said he's fine, he's all bundled up and he doesn't seem bothered by the cold on his face at all. its only like 30 degrees out. i hate that she makes it out like i'm incompetent or stupid or something re. my children. he had a very warm on that wraps around his ears and side of his head under his chin and a very warm cozy bunting thing on and his hands were covered in mittens and feet too. plus i had held him close the whole 1/2 hour lesson. whatEVER i wanted to say. so we go to walk towards the ice skating store and she pulls the car out and drives away...i was like wtf???!!! i tried calling her cell but just got her VM. left a message saying i don't know what happened there but i thought you said you would wait and drive us to our condo. please call and let me know when you'll be back cuz i need to go get groceries later on and megh needs her helmet for ice skating which i put in the car.

isn't that odd?! see how passive aggressive this woman is!!!??? and avoidant and silently punitive?! she acts like its MY fault thru her silent treatment and avoidance....whatEVER lady. i could see she was sooo utterly scatter brained and confused....i think she's losing her mind. she's always been an air head of sorts but she was obviously not getting it what we were doing, just going to pay for the skate blade covers and would be right back. i could see she wasn't following me. she was annoyed w/ megh as meghs' whole attitude shifted and she was distant from my mom, and cold also. i found that interesting...megh has been happy go lucky all morning...extremely which as i said, is interesting....i think my moms attitude/behavior hurts and confuses her very much. i'm sure my mother thinks its all about tom and my fighting mostly and not anything to do w/ HER sh*tty attitude and responses. isn't that interesting? megh has been so fun and happy all morning w/ me... hmmm.

sooo...that's the scoop...its now 2 hours later and no phone call yet from my mother. weirdo. like...doesn't she truly care about us having to walk back to the condo? it is only about 7 buildings down from hers but still...if she was so concerned about sheamas being cold or understanding of me still bleeding (now even heavier thanks to this b.s.) and being in PAIN from birthing and tearing 3rd degree? what an inconsiderate bleepity bleep. i'm sorry but she is very self consumed if you ask me. yes, she helps w/ money but that is like the only way she expresses any love if you can call it that. tom used to be so annoyed w/ my moms 'buying' me and megh stuff like crazy. other than that she was distant and boring.

she didn't even say hi meghy or give her a hug or anything...it was all about my MOM, her attitude sucked.

when i start working i think i'll clean houses for a while, to be w/ sheamas as much as i can, then save up and move to a house for rent again and get re-licensed (before we move of course) as an in-home holistic child care provider again. its good good money and i can be w/ my kids and love on others...i'm not leaving sheamas w/ anyone. just can't bear to do it. he is too young. i have some domestic violence TANF grant from the state that will give up to $1200. to get me into a safe environment...housing, is usually what it would go to. doesn't go towards a car unfortunately...will have to somehow save up for that...that is always a toughie for single moms w/out a car.

so that's the plan. and that is the drama of my relationship w/ my mother. i will get some individual counseling and then eventually have other times where hopefully she will come in there w/ me...ugh i dread that.

i bet you anything she's already emailed me w/ some crap about HER boundaries about how she won't tolerate this or that from me and so forth. i bet you anything...if there isn't one in there yet (haven't checked email today yet...) there will be by later tonight. i don't think she realizes how verbally and emotionally abusive she is w/ me.