December Lower Income and/or Struggling Mama's Support Thread - Page 2

[Aura_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Nature

And now I'm going to piggyback on my own post..

I'm talking to a friend on IM, and she said she doesn't have much food in the house. So I've been helping her find food pantries. She tells me all they've been able to eat the past few days is meatloaf, spaghetti and meatballs, and steak.

Um..

Thats better than what we eat period. :

So I'm trying not to judge her. She is in a two income home, 3 kids, one with a special dietary need that is a bit expensive. Her income is not poverty by any means. But they overdrafted due to a mistake and now she can't buy groceries until next week. Her kids are used to a certain um.. way of life, I guess you could say... and she's freaking out that she can't give it right now.

So I tried to give her ideas. Money saving tips for school snacks, and things like that. To try to help her brainstorm ways to save.

And she tells me, (paraphrased) "normally this isn't an issue.. I just want to get out of this rut we're in. I don't really care how much stuff costs normally, so good that you're all martha stewart like and saving money but we don't need to be THAT stingy. We're having a hard week, we aren't POOR! "

:

I told her I was only trying to help and I'd shut up now.. she just laughed.

Ya, I'm gonna go cry now..



somehow I feel like a huge loser now.

You know, I went through that stage too ~~ denial, angst, shame (RIDICULOUS amounts of shame, to where I wouldn't even accept help when I needed it) ... and it took me looking back on my own brief period of homelessness... evaluating my levels of debt... and then getting to the point where I couldn't pay bills and I was dumpster diving food and hand-washing cloth diapers ... that it started to fade.


And, don't feel like a loser.
Obviously she has some major hang-ups that she needs to work through.
Who knows, maybe she goes home and sits on her bathroom floor and cries because meat makes her sick?? Or something?



And on a side note, DAYUUM your food pantries have STEAK!!??? :

[amydidit]

Hmm, not much to say tonight. I'm feeling kind of tired and desperately not wanting to go back to work tomorrow ~sighs~ It is so frustrating to be working so blasted hard and full time and still not being able to get caught up.

Jaime, the box came today... thank you so much! I haven't had a chance to try it all on but I think it'll all be great ~smiles~

[Aura_Kitten]

And, after reading more ~~ Nature, that "friend" sounds like she really... isn't.




Now, Welcome Iris' Mom!

Originally Posted by Iris' Mom

Hi, all. I'm joining in.

I'm Maureen, and I'm another mama who's fallen upon hard times, but unfortunately, they are not temporary. I have 3 kids, ages 17, 6 and 7 mos. I am married but in the process of divorcing

Two years ago, I was a hard-working lawyer married to a SAHD. My marriage was rocky, and I started having a lot of trouble at work. One day, I just sort of broke down, and wound up in the hospital. I was diagnosed wtih bipolar disorder, and have not been able to work since. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, and I have not yet found any meds/treatment to stabilize my bipolar.

STBX resentfully got a job, and my marriage started going downhill pretty fast; stbx relapsed into drug addiction, quit his job and fell completely apart. The last time we saw him he was in handcuffs. There has been so much emotional fallout because of this, but I'll spare the details.

Financially, I was okay for a while: For 6 mos., I got short-term disability = fullpay; then long-term disability = 60% pay. In September, my short-term ended b/c my disability is psychological; if it were physical, I could collect until I retired (yes, I've filed a complaint). Since September, I've been only getting SSDI. None of this would even be unbearably bad, except I incurred so much debt when I was making much more money. For example, I have a $3500 mortgage payment, which is double by SSDI. I have student loan payments of over $1000/mo. I could go on. I am cutting everywhere I can, but just my fixed expenses alone are more than 3x my SSDI.

Right now, I am taking withdrawals from my 401K to meet expenses for several reasons: dd was going to graduate in May, and I didn't want to transfer her senior year; my house is under water, and I can't afford to pay any shortfall if I sell now; I sent my resume around, and I'm hoping there is some job I can perform in spite of my bipolar; law is one profession where a bankruptcy is really bad, and I worked too, too hard to get my degree to take any step that would ruin my chances of ever practicing again; I may win my discrimination complaint against my disability insurer; or I may win the lottery.

Until any of those happen, though, I'm really, really struggling, and could sure use some support! And, I hope I can offer other low-income/struggling mamas as well.

I bolded one section that seemed to stand out in particular... yes your problems may FEEL right now like they are not temporary, but (and I'm trying to take this perspective more myself lately, and it seems to help me, maybe it will help you, if not ignore me ) ~~~ if you think about your problems as ongoing then they WILL be. But if you take a moment to think about yourself... and to know that your life will be much longer than just a few years... and looking at the scope of the universe... well, EVERYTHING is temporary. When times get rockier for me, I try to remind myself of that... that everything is temporary. And even if something seems endless right now, there will be an end to it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, we may just not be far enough along in our journey to see it yet.

As far as bipolar goes ~~ what it seems like, from what you described, is that you were already under an enormous amount of stress, and ~ people crack under stress.
But I would hesitate to call it bipolar and treat it as a disability because if you label yourself you run the risk of forcing yourself to become the label. You are much more than a label, or a collection of medications. You are YOU: a whole woman who is in desperate need of more social support and a not-crappy life right now.

I think ~ in fact, I'm willing to wager ~ that once your home life evens out, once you are past the rough patch with your dh / stbx, and you get away from the abuse, and you work everything out in terms of custody and whatnot, and you ease back to work... that your "bipolar" will begin to correct itself.

And finally ~ man, you were a lawyer. That is not something that a person gets by sleeping through classes. You obviously have a demonstrated capability to be focused, self-directed, and not to mention extremely intelligent and competent. You need to trust that you can make your way through this wilderness through which you are currently stumbling, and that eventually, the sun will shine on your face again, and the ground will finally be smooth under your feet.

[gradmama]

Originally Posted by Nature

And she tells me, (paraphrased) "normally this isn't an issue.. I just want to get out of this rut we're in. I don't really care how much stuff costs normally, so good that you're all martha stewart like and saving money but we don't need to be THAT stingy. We're having a hard week, we aren't POOR! "

:

I told her I was only trying to help and I'd shut up now.. she just laughed.

somehow I feel like a huge loser now.

Nature, I think you are commendable for NOT trying to judge her, because it is my reaction that she is not your friend and how awful of her to make you feel bad. : You aren't a loser! Poor does not equal loser.

Originally Posted by Crunchy Doula

Hello Ladies!

I thought I would wait till the new thread to introduce myself. My name is Jessica and I am married and we have a beautiful 15 month old together!

Hi Jessica! It's really nice to meet you. This is a really wonderful bunch of mamas and I'm so glad to be here. : I'm sure you'll enjoy it also.

Originally Posted by justmama

So she said that I should be expecting a call soon. A little embarrassing but it would be nice for a little help with christmas since I think it won't be too exciting around here!

You know, I have a hard time with being given things sometimes because I feel like I should be ashamed if I "have" to be given things. It feels hard to hold one's head up at the same time as you say that you would like others' to provide for your children. But, I don't think its something to be ashamed of. With a little extra help, I can make my childrens' lives better. So I try to act as if my head is held high even if inside I'm trying to find the rock to hide underneath.

Originally Posted by Iris' Mom

Hi, all. I'm joining in.

I'm Maureen, and I'm another mama who's fallen upon hard times, but unfortunately, they are not temporary. I have 3 kids, ages 17, 6 and 7 mos. I am married but in the process of divorcing

Hi Iris' mom - it's nice to meet you also! I hope that you win your discrimination suit and that things get easier for you. s

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

...
And classes..... Lanky, I feel you. My finals week is ONE WEEK AWAY and I'm totally and completely unprepared. Or at least that's what it feels like. I've been doing horribly in my statistics class, despite my great start, and I feel totally overwhelmed by my Sociology work, although I know I have the material, and I just need to start writing it. It's just... so much.

So, there's my saga, and as time allows tonight I will be reading and responding to you all. I've missed coming to this group.

s So I am a sociology grad student and am taking statistics this quarter and well......it makes me want to :Puke most of the time out of pure anxiety. What Soc classes are you taking? I have to write a 20pager like now.

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

And finally ~ man, you were a lawyer. That is not something that a person gets by sleeping through classes. You obviously have a demonstrated capability to be focused, self-directed, and not to mention extremely intelligent and competent. You need to trust that you can make your way through this wilderness through which you are currently stumbling, and that eventually, the sun will shine on your face again, and the ground will finally be smooth under your feet.

Wow, I really like this.

My $250 check dropped in for the month so now I pay bills : And then race pellmell through the last two weeks of the first quarter.....and then its Christmas : But I have to confess that I am looking forward to it.

[SherryR]

Hi. I hope you don't mind my "crashing" your thread. I've been lurking around but always was too overwhelmed to post anything.

I'm Sherry, mama to DD, 16 & DS, 9. I'm a SAHM but also a full time college student. My DH works his butt off to support us but it just seems that things have been so out of control for so long..I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so frustrated. I do so much to be frugal and it just doesn't seem to help. I only have 1 semester left but I am so tempted to stop school and get a full time job because things are so tight and behind. I'd love to even work a part time job but with the kids' school and my school and all that a typical day entails..I just don't have any time to do it. I've tried selling jewelry that I made on Etsy, I've sold nearly anything and everything of any value on eBay (which wasn't much since most everything we have is a hand-me-down ) and it just doesn't seem to cover anything. We took out a loan a few years ago to pay off medical bills from my back surgery and about the time we got it 1/2 way paid off..we had another couple grand in medical bills from another surgery (and all of the appts. leading to it) (hysterectomy for cervical cancer). My husband feels like he's not doing his job taking care of our needs but he's working his butt off and also tries to do airbrushing jobs for extra money here and there but that hasn't been working so hot the last few months because things have been really chaotic since we lost my dad in September. It's just one thing after another after another. I just want to get our heads above water for once and see what the air up there feels like. I find myself distancing from some of my friends who are "well off". I seriously can't understand how they can pay for cars that are hundreds a month and mortgages that are through the roof and they shop and just spend like the cash is never going to end. I know part of it is jealousy/envy/whathaveyou and I HATE myself for being like that. I am truly happy for them but then I just get all weird about it and can't bring myself to want to be around them. My one girlfriend called this week to talk about their new remodeling project. $19,000 for redoing their kitchen--that was remodeled about 4 or 5 years ago! We desperately need a new roof but can't come up with the 4k to do it. So, I just feel myself closing off. It's not her fault for pete's sake. What is my deal?
Sheesh, I didn't mean for that to get so long.

[CaliMommie]

Hi everyone! I am exhausted so I will reply to everyone tomorrow. I just wanted to ask for prayers (good vibes, etc.) for DS2. He was exposed to mennigococcal mennigitis at his preschool yesterday. We took him for an antibiotic shot at the hospital outpatient center (that goodness for Medi-Cal) and now we just have to wait & hope the antibiotics work and he doesn't get sick. He has a history of being immunocompromised so I'm trying hard not to freak out. to all

[Aura_Kitten]

~~ prayers ~~ and s Cali.


gradmama ~ right now I am in 2 Soc classes, Sociology of the Family and Sociology of Death and Dying. They both totally rock (in fact I changed my major to Sociology as well ) but it is a TON of work. :

[kijip]

Originally Posted by Nature

And now I'm going to piggyback on my own post..

I'm talking to a friend on IM, and she said she doesn't have much food in the house. So I've been helping her find food pantries. She tells me all they've been able to eat the past few days is meatloaf, spaghetti and meatballs, and steak.

Um..

Thats better than what we eat period. :

So I'm trying not to judge her. She is in a two income home, 3 kids, one with a special dietary need that is a bit expensive. Her income is not poverty by any means. But they overdrafted due to a mistake and now she can't buy groceries until next week. Her kids are used to a certain um.. way of life, I guess you could say... and she's freaking out that she can't give it right now.

So I tried to give her ideas. Money saving tips for school snacks, and things like that. To try to help her brainstorm ways to save.

And she tells me, (paraphrased) "normally this isn't an issue.. I just want to get out of this rut we're in. I don't really care how much stuff costs normally, so good that you're all martha stewart like and saving money but we don't need to be THAT stingy. We're having a hard week, we aren't POOR! "

:

I told her I was only trying to help and I'd shut up now.. she just laughed.

Ya, I'm gonna go cry now..



somehow I feel like a huge loser now.

YIKES! Well maybe she wouldn't be having such a hard week if she bothered to care about how much things cost normally. She over drafted her account. I bet they are living beyond their means. A little stingy never hurt anyone. She sounds like a rotten friend. You are SO not a loser.

[vannienicole]

*

[Satori]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a serious downer mood tonight We made a huge move to a city (NEVER thought I'd live in the city) for a whole bunch of reasons and I am seriously stressing, I can't even job hunt without finding a sitter first and I can't find a dang sitter! Rent is due tomorrow and its going to more or less zero out the bank account and the last check I have coming is gone to cover the deposits for utilities. I'm seriously freaking out about not being able to get a job immediately, there's lots of jobs out there but without childcare... I ran an ad but all I'm getting are people who want more money then I'll even make or there only available crazy hours or a few hours here and there. I need the standard 8a-5p and due to their health issues I can't use a center and need a private sitter. I figured with a city this size I'd find someone fairly easy but in 2 weeks of running ads nothing I have to interview one next week but it sounds like she's already overwhelmed with her toddler alone forget adding a home schooled 7 yr old who she'd have to do 1-2 hours of work a day with and an 18 month old plus her own child. We applied for aid and it doesn't even cover the rent and this is the cheapest place I could find that didn't have gang bangers for next door neighbors (literally). xmas is almost here and outside of a couple of playsilk blanks I ordered and a robe we have nothing My dad is supposed to be getting a play kitchen for the baby and a huge doll house for dd but knowing him he's going to do what he does every year and give me the money at the last minute when there's no more toys on the shelves and that's IF he remembers at all. Year before last he totally forgot xmas all together! I don't know what my moms getting them. I feel like I'm failing my kids I know I shouldn't complain, we have food, the bills will be paid this month and we have enough clothes to stay warm but right now I'm freaking out about what happens come January if I haven't found a sitter yet? I've come this far manifesting a bunch of stuff and I know I need to work on manifesting a sitter but for tonight I just need to freak out some more ya know? Get it out of my system and hopefully tomorrow will be better

[LankyLizards]

Wow, Satori, that is such a tough situation. I hope you are able to finsd a sitter and a job.

Nature, your friend sounds very...um...non-supportive or understanding of you. Crazy.

Ok, it's 5 am and I haven't been to sleep yet. So, I'm going now. I hung out with a friend, though which was pretty fun. But I'm exhausted. More tomorrow.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Nature

And now I'm going to piggyback on my own post..

I'm talking to a friend on IM, and she said she doesn't have much food in the house. So I've been helping her find food pantries. She tells me all they've been able to eat the past few days is meatloaf, spaghetti and meatballs, and steak.

Um..

Thats better than what we eat period. :

So I'm trying not to judge her. She is in a two income home, 3 kids, one with a special dietary need that is a bit expensive. Her income is not poverty by any means. But they overdrafted due to a mistake and now she can't buy groceries until next week. Her kids are used to a certain um.. way of life, I guess you could say... and she's freaking out that she can't give it right now.

So I tried to give her ideas. Money saving tips for school snacks, and things like that. To try to help her brainstorm ways to save.

And she tells me, (paraphrased) "normally this isn't an issue.. I just want to get out of this rut we're in. I don't really care how much stuff costs normally, so good that you're all martha stewart like and saving money but we don't need to be THAT stingy. We're having a hard week, we aren't POOR! "

:

I told her I was only trying to help and I'd shut up now.. she just laughed.

Ya, I'm gonna go cry now..



somehow I feel like a huge loser now.

Don't you dare feel bad for trying to help. As a former member of the so-called middle class I will be so bold to say your friend is full of ca-ca. They may have 2 incomes but what you described is the middle/working class shuffle that keeps people from facing reality. People with real wealth don't run out.. the rest of us bought the lies that say we are middle class, therefore we are better than the poor. In reality your friend is only a few paychecks away from disaster.

I know because I used to live at that address, made almost 6 figures and blew it.. trips, Coach bags (of which I am selling off) , etc.. even now living in this house its like but we can't be poor we live in a 18th century Victorian.

No, the truth is I am poor in large part because I used to think that the more money we made meant we should spend more and that is exactly what I did.

I can almost guarantee you that should your friend lose a job or two she will discover the error of her ways , hell I did.. but hey to each his own. Sorry for the rant but that type of thinking pisses me off.

Well it is cold this morning, on the bright side the little one is sleeping late so I have been able to get up and enjoy a cup of coffee and apple in peace and some uninteruppted computer time, so life is good.

Shay

[shayinme]

[QUOTE=Nature;9879299
I know what thats like.. My 9 yo that just moved in with me came with clothes from her fathers house and hardly any of them fit her and are decent looking. (stains, holes, etc...) I wish I could afford to get her new clothes, but honestly... everything has to be budgeted in and I just can't afford it right now. So I wash frequently and hope that I can ride it out until after the holidays. Maybe hit up Goodwill then and pray for things in her size.[/QUOTE]

If you can get to Lots for Tots in Scarborough, there stuff is pretty nice and almost equal in price to Goodwill. What size is she I will keep an eye out, I am at Lots for Tots every other week these days trying to build up Isis's winter wardrobe.

Also I am sure you know this already but Wed is half price day at the Salvation Army.. actually scored some Hanna Andersons over there recently.

Shay

[ediesmom]

Originally Posted by Nature

:

[/B][/I]I told her I was only trying to help and I'd shut up now.. she just laughed.

Ya, I'm gonna go cry now..



somehow I feel like a huge loser now.

about the last thing you are is a loser for trying to offer helpful suggestions. grrrrr: I think its amazing that you are a wealth of knowledge on how to keep your family well taken care of in this world. Kudos to you, mama, for knowing what end is up.

Originally Posted by Crunchy Doula

Hello Ladies!

I thought I would wait till the new thread to introduce myself. My name is Jessica and I am married and we have a beautiful 15 month old together!

I am a SAHM and part time doula. We struggle to make it monthly, but things are getting tighter this month, but will soon clear up as half our debt will be paid in December and the rest will be gone in February. We have struggled making ends for quite awhile and I am ready to get out of this circumstance.

I am glad to have found this thread with so many supportive women!!

I can't wait to get to know you all more

welcome, mama.

Originally Posted by Iris' Mom

Hi, all. I'm joining in.

I'm Maureen, and I'm another mama who's fallen upon hard times, but unfortunately, they are not temporary. I have 3 kids, ages 17, 6 and 7 mos. I am married but in the process of divorcing

Two years ago, I was a hard-working lawyer married to a SAHD. My marriage was rocky, and I started having a lot of trouble at work. One day, I just sort of broke down, and wound up in the hospital. I was diagnosed wtih bipolar disorder, and have not been able to work since. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, and I have not yet found any meds/treatment to stabilize my bipolar.

STBX resentfully got a job, and my marriage started going downhill pretty fast; stbx relapsed into drug addiction, quit his job and fell completely apart. The last time we saw him he was in handcuffs. There has been so much emotional fallout because of this, but I'll spare the details.

Financially, I was okay for a while: For 6 mos., I got short-term disability = fullpay; then long-term disability = 60% pay. In September, my short-term ended b/c my disability is psychological; if it were physical, I could collect until I retired (yes, I've filed a complaint). Since September, I've been only getting SSDI. None of this would even be unbearably bad, except I incurred so much debt when I was making much more money. For example, I have a $3500 mortgage payment, which is double by SSDI. I have student loan payments of over $1000/mo. I could go on. I am cutting everywhere I can, but just my fixed expenses alone are more than 3x my SSDI.

Right now, I am taking withdrawals from my 401K to meet expenses for several reasons: dd was going to graduate in May, and I didn't want to transfer her senior year; my house is under water, and I can't afford to pay any shortfall if I sell now; I sent my resume around, and I'm hoping there is some job I can perform in spite of my bipolar; law is one profession where a bankruptcy is really bad, and I worked too, too hard to get my degree to take any step that would ruin my chances of ever practicing again; I may win my discrimination complaint against my disability insurer; or I may win the lottery.

Until any of those happen, though, I'm really, really struggling, and could sure use some support! And, I hope I can offer other low-income/struggling mamas as well.

support you will have... welcome

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

...


on Thystle's challenge: I'm planning on volunteering more around the community... I don't even know where to start (so I guess that will be really the first step ~ learning how to volunteer, making the connections within the community)... But I realized there are so many places around here that need help, that need bodies in there doing things that need getting done... so, I'm going to see what I can do. Probably will start with the Convalescent Hospital and Women's Crisis Shelter (does anyone know if volunteering with kids is acceptable --???? -- I know the food bank allows kids to help to but not sure with other places)...

solidarity! my dd's have been volunteerng at the soup kitchen for 17 years now. DD2 learned how to cook toast while she still wore diapers.One morning we were low on volunteers and she, at age 6, cracked 30 dozen eggs. Solo. She totally understood that if the eggs didn't get cracked, there would not be enough to feed everyone. Put it all in perspective for me.

[QUOTE=Aura_Kitten;9880022Maybe the boots can be their xmas presents - ?


s
One year I got a tiny bag of coffee grounds in my Santa's Express food basket, and I was so happy I almost cried.

[/QUOTE]

Originally Posted by gradmama

You know, I have a hard time with being given things sometimes because I feel like I should be ashamed if I "have" to be given things. It feels hard to hold one's head up at the same time as you say that you would like others' to provide for your children. But, I don't think its something to be ashamed of. With a little extra help, I can make my childrens' lives better. So I try to act as if my head is held high even if inside I'm trying to find the rock to hide underneath.

right there with ya.....its really hard to admit you need help without feeling defeated. But, really, i think that its societal. we need to change this mindset.....it takes a village

Originally Posted by SherryR

Hi. I hope you don't mind my "crashing" your thread. I've been lurking around but always was too overwhelmed to post anything.

I'm Sherry, mama to DD, 16 & DS, 9. I'm a SAHM but also a full time college student. My DH works his butt off to support us but it just seems that things have been so out of control for so long..I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so frustrated. I do so much to be frugal and it just doesn't seem to help. I only have 1 semester left but I am so tempted to stop school and get a full time job because things are so tight and behind. I'd love to even work a part time job but with the kids' school and my school and all that a typical day entails..I just don't have any time to do it. I've tried selling jewelry that I made on Etsy, I've sold nearly anything and everything of any value on eBay (which wasn't much since most everything we have is a hand-me-down ) and it just doesn't seem to cover anything. We took out a loan a few years ago to pay off medical bills from my back surgery and about the time we got it 1/2 way paid off..we had another couple grand in medical bills from another surgery (and all of the appts. leading to it) (hysterectomy for cervical cancer). My husband feels like he's not doing his job taking care of our needs but he's working his butt off and also tries to do airbrushing jobs for extra money here and there but that hasn't been working so hot the last few months because things have been really chaotic since we lost my dad in September. It's just one thing after another after another. I just want to get our heads above water for once and see what the air up there feels like. I find myself distancing from some of my friends who are "well off". I seriously can't understand how they can pay for cars that are hundreds a month and mortgages that are through the roof and they shop and just spend like the cash is never going to end. I know part of it is jealousy/envy/whathaveyou and I HATE myself for being like that. I am truly happy for them but then I just get all weird about it and can't bring myself to want to be around them. My one girlfriend called this week to talk about their new remodeling project. $19,000 for redoing their kitchen--that was remodeled about 4 or 5 years ago! We desperately need a new roof but can't come up with the 4k to do it. So, I just feel myself closing off. It's not her fault for pete's sake. What is my deal?
Sheesh, I didn't mean for that to get so long.

welcome....

Originally Posted by Satori

Hi everyone,

I'm in a serious downer mood tonight We made a huge move to a city (NEVER thought I'd live in the city) for a whole bunch of reasons and I am seriously stressing, I can't even job hunt without finding a sitter first and I can't find a dang sitter! Rent is due tomorrow and its going to more or less zero out the bank account and the last check I have coming is gone to cover the deposits for utilities. I'm seriously freaking out about not being able to get a job immediately, there's lots of jobs out there but without childcare... I ran an ad but all I'm getting are people who want more money then I'll even make or there only available crazy hours or a few hours here and there. I need the standard 8a-5p and due to their health issues I can't use a center and need a private sitter. I figured with a city this size I'd find someone fairly easy but in 2 weeks of running ads nothing I have to interview one next week but it sounds like she's already overwhelmed with her toddler alone forget adding a home schooled 7 yr old who she'd have to do 1-2 hours of work a day with and an 18 month old plus her own child. We applied for aid and it doesn't even cover the rent and this is the cheapest place I could find that didn't have gang bangers for next door neighbors (literally). xmas is almost here and outside of a couple of playsilk blanks I ordered and a robe we have nothing My dad is supposed to be getting a play kitchen for the baby and a huge doll house for dd but knowing him he's going to do what he does every year and give me the money at the last minute when there's no more toys on the shelves and that's IF he remembers at all. Year before last he totally forgot xmas all together! I don't know what my moms getting them. I feel like I'm failing my kids I know I shouldn't complain, we have food, the bills will be paid this month and we have enough clothes to stay warm but right now I'm freaking out about what happens come January if I haven't found a sitter yet? I've come this far manifesting a bunch of stuff and I know I need to work on manifesting a sitter but for tonight I just need to freak out some more ya know? Get it out of my system and hopefully tomorrow will be better

and for me.....

the thing i am going to try to do this month is work on my own life. I really spend too much time on outside projects and I am swimming in being overwhelmed.

I need to learn to ask for help with projects. Delegate more responsibility. I'm getting behind in everything because i can't admit I need help. I need someone to stuff, fold, stamp and label a project that needs to go out, but picking up the phone and asking for help seems daunting. maybe today

and I need to keep up on housework.....i hate being here when its messy, but i am so freaking busy

more later

[bwylde]

I lurk and have posted but haven't stuck around much. We're very low income. DH works part time as a grocery store clerk and I am unable to work for a number of reasons. I've been kind of down lately as no one understands what it truly is like to be poor and know that will be your life...forever!

No one understands why we can't jet off to everything. When you're stressed over how much gas it takes to drive somewhere 10-30 minutes away, people don't get it. I am so grateful to have a car but it doesn't always start and I can't just run it off to be fixed. I have to just deal with it and be ready to start walking everywhere if something seriously goes wrong with it (its a '92 Ford Taurus so it won't last forever).

We recently spent more for groceries than usual so we would be sure to have enough for Christmas and it has put us in a tight spot. I also bought some shoes for me for the first time in a couple of years. All I had to wear was a pair of fake crocs that literally have no tread on the bottom so if it was damp out, I would slip everywhere. With the snow coming I need something that actually protects my feet from the elements since they're predicting the worst winter in decades. We had to buy DH a pair of shoes too because his sneaks were the same deal and he has to walk to work. Since when are people supposed to feel guilty over buying a necessity of life? Thankfully I got the kids boots last year when they were a couple dollars a pair. DH and I have really hard to buy for shoe sizes so second hand isn't an option but we were fortunate to find really good sales.

Then I have DD outgrowing all her clothes. I'm seriously consider putting her in DS's clothes as they are almost the same size (he's just a little taller) because it's getting too expensive to buy second hand. There was a Salvation Army bag sale last night and I couldn't afford to go :blue:. MIL couldn't understand why I wasn't going. MIL is helping host a community pancake breakfast today that she wants me to take the kids to but she would never understand it's too much for gas plus spending $10 for something I could make for pennies at home. Although last year she paid for them...but it's still nearly half an hour out of town.

Then there's the whole Christmas thing. I'm glad I got the kids presents way back when we were better able to afford it but I don't know what to do for everyone else. We have a reputation for giving nice, well thought out gifts, but we just can't do that this year. I've been telling DH all year to tell his brothers and their wives that we can't afford to exchange gifts with them anymore (we've already done that with the kids) but he won't.

I've even been stressed about toilet paper, for goodness sakes! We use family cloth but DH doesn't like it and I need some for guests, but it never goes on sale anymore. I also have been made to feel guilt over the fact we don't buy milk. We just can't afford it!! It's $4 for 2 liters (equals to 8 cups, which lasts about an hour in our house the way they drink it; I'm personally intolerant). We were at IL's the other day and they were cooking up slightly freezer burned meat for their dogs and I almost cried as we can't afford good meat and it smelled so good and it was SUCH a waste.

I could go on and on with pity and things that have been bothering me but I won't. It feels good to share things with people who probably understand what I've been rambling about

Well as for what I'm planning on doing to make things better is I want to keep the apartment cleaner and more looked after. I suffer badly from depression and often let things go. I always feel better when things look better. You don't need to spend money to put things away or dust . I want to haul out the decorations soon and go all out making things looks festive, even if they don't always feel it. I want to give my kids a great Christmas that isn't dependent on money, but is based on love.

[mum4boys]

Originally Posted by Nature

And she tells me, (paraphrased) "normally this isn't an issue.. I just want to get out of this rut we're in. I don't really care how much stuff costs normally, so good that you're all martha stewart like and saving money but we don't need to be THAT stingy. We're having a hard week, we aren't POOR! "

:

I told her I was only trying to help and I'd shut up now.. she just laughed.

Ya, I'm gonna go cry now..




somehow I feel like a huge loser now.

Sorry she is the loser living pay check to pay check when they are not poor. Maybe is she was Martha Stewart like (which by the way I do not find her to be frugal) she would not have to worry how she was going to feed her kids when she made a banking mistake.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

Me too.
I "window" shop online a LOT... I spend hours sometimes, particularly when I'm depressed, just click-click-clicking, looking at all the stuff online... it's like this endless sea of Things You Could Buy. :
And then sometimes I marvel at the things there are out there... like, the sushi-flavored, sushi-shaped candy...


I know this feeling. It's impossible, when you're negative or so close to negative every month, that you can't ever get ahead because you're just living hand-to-mouth.
And on taxes, yeah it's about that time of the year, I need to file mine so I can get a return. However... I don't know how to do my taxes. Last year I just didn't file : and every other year my (now-ex) MIL did it for us. And ... of course now that's impossible. So I really really need to figure out how to do it myself. :

I window shop online too. It makes it easier because there is never anything to put back! Its pretty sad that everyone knows the routine now. We go shopping, we put tons of things in the cart. We get to the register and before we go through it, I take out 99% of everything in there. Which means, if I go to the store for toilet paper, find some craft stuff, a rack of 99 cent clothes and pick a few things for the girls they need, and some Tums that my belly needs... by the time we get to the car its back down to the toilet paper we came for. Thats the only purchase I seem to allow myself to make.

Taxes. Both dh and I are on SSDI so... no tax returns for us. Do you realize how much I used to take tax returns for granted when I was working? Wow. A thousand or even a few hundred in one big chunk of free money is a big deal! I only wish I realized it then.. "Normal" people, even working class ones, seem to make their big purchases when income tax time rolls around. Even my previously mentioned *cough* friends drone on and on about everything they're going to buy with their fun money. And ... damn it. Where is mine? I almost wish the government would take money out of my SSDI check so that we could get a big chunk back later.

Originally Posted by Fruitful4Him

It sounds like she has low self esteem and it makes her feel better to try to kick other people down.. ((perhaps I am projecting some of my own negative experiences with "friends"?)) I am sorry though.. if she doesnt want to feel defensive because you are trying to HELP maybe she should keep her "woes" to herself, eh?:

You're probably right. She's always been a competitive type friend. The reason we stopped talked for a few years was because every time I was excited that my oldest dd did something, "She rolled over today!" she would cut it down, "Oh really? My son did that a lot earlier than she did. In fact, he was walking by now!" : So I guess I'm not surprised at her attitude. Not really. I think maybe last night I was just too tired and hormonal to deal with her yk?

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

And, don't feel like a loser.
Obviously she has some major hang-ups that she needs to work through.
Who knows, maybe she goes home and sits on her bathroom floor and cries because meat makes her sick?? Or something? And on a side note, DAYUUM your food pantries have STEAK!!??? :

She's just used to having what she wants when she wants it. She's a self proclaimed "snotty rich bitch." (her words not mine) The reason why we clicked in high school was because we come from similar backgrounds. Raised by older people, her mom was an older mom and my grandmother raised me. Both molested as a child. And we both grew up in poverty. The difference between us is, she hated living in poverty and prides herself in the fact that she is above that life now I guess. I didn't think anything negative about growing up the way I did. I was happy, loved, and taken care of. We struggled a lot, but it was only as an adult that I noticed it. Todays CPS would have taken me away in a heartbeat if they knew how I grew up though. And thats a depressing thought, because damn.. I was happy! Poor or not. I guess my attitude about it is so far away from hers. After all... this isn't "hard times" I'm in.. this is how I have to live. When we're both on permanent SSDI, there really isn't any crawling out of that. It becomes a lifestyle, living check to check and hoping for nothing catastrophic to happen. Its not like we can DO ANYTHING to even attempt to make more money. And my friend, she views poverty as the devil. And she can't understand how I can live the way I do. Well... whats my choice? Not live at all??? She told me my choice was to marry someone that could take care of me and the kids, instead of marrying someone that was disabled himself. I guess so, but hey... money isn't the most important thing to me I guess. Silly me. I married him because I love him.

Originally Posted by SherryR

I find myself distancing from some of my friends who are "well off". I seriously can't understand how they can pay for cars that are hundreds a month and mortgages that are through the roof and they shop and just spend like the cash is never going to end. I know part of it is jealousy/envy/whathaveyou and I HATE myself for being like that. I am truly happy for them but then I just get all weird about it and can't bring myself to want to be around them. My one girlfriend called this week to talk about their new remodeling project. $19,000 for redoing their kitchen--that was remodeled about 4 or 5 years ago! We desperately need a new roof but can't come up with the 4k to do it. So, I just feel myself closing off. It's not her fault for pete's sake. What is my deal?
Sheesh, I didn't mean for that to get so long.

Welcome Sherry!
I think you've probably read enough about my "friend" lately to know that I understand the pulling away thing. I'm sure there is a bit of envy in there, but honestly... it totally natural. I stand in awe of the fact that my friend can throw money around so much, and I worry that it will come back to bite her someday... and attitude says everything. I mean, if she knows you're having a hard time, is it really that nice to keep talking about all the things they buy? I think money, and the lack of.. can change friendships. Its a divide that is hard to get over for sure.

You aren't alone.

Originally Posted by CaliMommie

Hi everyone! I am exhausted so I will reply to everyone tomorrow. I just wanted to ask for prayers (good vibes, etc.) for DS2.

Sending out healthy vibes to your son!!

Originally Posted by kijip

YIKES! Well maybe she wouldn't be having such a hard week if she bothered to care about how much things cost normally. She over drafted her account. I bet they are living beyond their means. A little stingy never hurt anyone. She sounds like a rotten friend. You are SO not a loser.

You're right. They do live beyond their means. Soon her world will crash down as she's planning on a divorce.... and I know I want to choose to be the friend that is here for her when it happens. In the meantime, its hard..

Originally Posted by shayinme

Don't you dare feel bad for trying to help. As a former member of the so-called middle class I will be so bold to say your friend is full of ca-ca. They may have 2 incomes but what you described is the middle/working class shuffle that keeps people from facing reality. People with real wealth don't run out.. the rest of us bought the lies that say we are middle class, therefore we are better than the poor. In reality your friend is only a few paychecks away from disaster.

I know because I used to live at that address, made almost 6 figures and blew it.. trips, Coach bags (of which I am selling off) , etc.. even now living in this house its like but we can't be poor we live in a 18th century Victorian.

No, the truth is I am poor in large part because I used to think that the more money we made meant we should spend more and that is exactly what I did.

I can almost guarantee you that should your friend lose a job or two she will discover the error of her ways , hell I did.. but hey to each his own. Sorry for the rant but that type of thinking pisses me off.

Thank you for writing this Shay. So often people with more money won't admit to how close to the edge they really are. I don't know if its a pride thing, or just how they were raised? It really does make the divide between the haves and the havenots even bigger. I know my friend looks down on me. She pities me. And really, she doesn't need to.. because I can see how close to being me she really is... and she can't see it at all.

Thank you for being honest.

Originally Posted by shayinme

If you can get to Lots for Tots in Scarborough, there stuff is pretty nice and almost equal in price to Goodwill. What size is she I will keep an eye out, I am at Lots for Tots every other week these days trying to build up Isis's winter wardrobe.

Also I am sure you know this already but Wed is half price day at the Salvation Army.. actually scored some Hanna Andersons over there recently.

I've never even heard of Lots for Tots!! We do drive by Scarborough on the way to my OB in Portland. My 9 yo is in a size 12 and can wear a 14 in some things too.

I didn't know about half price day at the SA. I go in there rarely because their prices are usually so darn high! And the place makes me sneeze horribly. I'm not sure why.. I think its the moth ball smell in there. I will have to check it out on Weds though to see if I can actually come out ahead.

[captain crunchy]

Welcome to all the new mamas

Don't feel bad for sharing or venting or whatever you need to get off your chest -- when I decided to jump in after months of lurking these women just welcomed me with open arms ... so welcome

Nature, shay is right -- your *friend* is projecting, just remember that. I know it is difficult, but just remember when she says those things she is really projecting her reality on to you. You are a good friend and if she keeps insulting you and trying to make you feel bad to alleviate her yucky feelings, it might be time for a break from her all together.

Aura_kitten -- hey if the upside of people thinking you're homeless is cash from strangers who feel guilty because they don't do enough for others...bring it on I am kidding of course, I am sorry that is happening to you. You know we go through similar, I dunno if people think we are homeless per se -- but we definitely get the assumption that we are not intelligent/talented/well spoken -- like people seem SO much more impressed with us when we throw out *bigger* words and such than they would be with people who have more money-- ya know because poor people can't possibly be intelligent or current on politics/social issues etc. It is annoying. :

calimommie for your little one and your family. I pray for the health of all of you...

satori I feel your frustration and pain

To anyone else I forgot, my apologies... more later.

My thankfuls:

1. my mom paying my electric bill
2. friends and family who love us
3. all of our basic needs (shelter, electric, food) are met


What I am doing to better myself this month is getting back into a positive outlook and making more of an effort to do any act I can to help others -- I don't have money but I can be a shoulder to lean on, help with my time, help with even a smile and encouragement if someone is struggling etc...

[Nature]

Originally Posted by ediesmom

about the last thing you are is a loser for trying to offer helpful suggestions. grrrrr: I think its amazing that you are a wealth of knowledge on how to keep your family well taken care of in this world. Kudos to you, mama, for knowing what end is up.

Awwww thanks! :

Originally Posted by mum4boys

Sorry she is the loser living pay check to pay check when they are not poor. Maybe is she was Martha Stewart like (which by the way I do not find her to be frugal) she would not have to worry how she was going to feed her kids when she made a banking mistake.

You know, I didn't think Martha Stewart was really that frugal either! I guess my friend is so far away from frugal that she doesn't even know what it means.

[mum4boys]

Originally Posted by Iris' Mom

Hi, all. I'm joining in.

I'm Maureen, and I'm another mama who's fallen upon hard times.

Hi Maureen,

Welcome. I always feel bad when I say that in this post.

First off HUGS. Just a few comments. Are you sure you have bipoloar? Not that I doubt you had some problems and continue to have problems but bipolar is one of the most misdiagnosed mental illness there is. Also if you are sure you have it are you taking the right medication and the right amount. You might need to be doing weekly blood checks.

Two things I learned in my life and they are my mantra kind of...this too shall pass and never ever to say how much worst can it can. The universe has away of showing you how much worst things will get.

It is 6:30 am and I have been up most of the night working so the brain is not processing like it should, but I have read case law recently in the last few months about discrimination long term disability with mental issues versus physical issues. I do believe it was federal. I believe the company was UNUM (they have a lot suit again them now denying short term coverage yet granting long term coverage to the same person).

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

...


And as much as I'm totally blown away by this generosity (I started crying as the guy drove away, just overcome by it).... it's kind of freaking me out. Like, do I LOOK like a homeless person?? Granted, I'm skinny and I wear a lot of mismatched clothes but.....

Hmm something to ponder but look on the brightside pretty cool that people are handing you money, lol.

Originally Posted by amydidit

Hmm, not much to say tonight. I'm feeling kind of tired and desperately not wanting to go back to work tomorrow ~sighs~ It is so frustrating to be working so blasted hard and full time and still not being able to get caught up.

I can relate to that statement so much.

Originally Posted by SherryR

Hi. I hope you don't mind my "crashing" your thread. I've been lurking around but always was too overwhelmed to post anything.

Welcome Sherry,

What are you getting your degree in?

I can so relate to paying medical bills with personal loans and credit cards. We use to have to do this all the time. We finally got them all paid off and then I made a commitment. I will not ever refinance anything or charge a medical bill again. We have been threatened to be sued a couple of times if we did not pay up immediatly and they would not accept payments. I have made payments to them and no one sued except ironically enough a provider who actually did not owe money too.

Originally Posted by CaliMommie

Hi everyone! I am exhausted so I will reply to everyone tomorrow. I just wanted to ask for prayers (good vibes, etc.) for DS2. He was exposed to mennigococcal mennigitis at his preschool yesterday. We took him for an antibiotic shot at the hospital outpatient center (that goodness for Medi-Cal) and now we just have to wait & hope the antibiotics work and he doesn't get sick. He has a history of being immunocompromised so I'm trying hard not to freak out. to all

Prayers

Originally Posted by Satori

Hi everyone,

What city did you move too? If it is expensive I can see why there is a shortage of daycare providers. Where have you been advertising at? Do you qualify for daycare help from the state?

Originally Posted by bwylde

I want to give my kids a great Christmas that isn't dependent on money, but is based on love.

Welcome, have you talk to your MIL how tight things are? You have a good attitude.

Okay now I forgot what we were suppose to be posting our gratitude about.