My thirteen year old was just brought home drunk.

[allgirls]

She was at a sleepover, the mom just brought her home, they had been dropped off at a local arena to watch a hockey game, they stole vodka from the other mom's house, her and one friend drank it, the girl whose house the sleepover was at didn't drink any.

My daughter is staggering drunk..I sent her to her room to sleep it off.

I am livid.

I will not live with alcohol again. What do I do? She's barely thirteen.

She is not going anywhere unsupervised by an adult again..for a long time.

This is a new one for me. What do I do?

What do I say to her tomorrow..or next week when I calm down.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Fujiko]

OMG!
I can't give you any advice, since I don't have a teenager, but

[onelilguysmommy]

no clue what to tell you, i dont have a teen, and never went home drunk, but see if she has a hangover in the morning, and see if she likes how it feels, etc. talk to her abou tthe effects and how the drunkeness made her feel against how she feels in the morning (if anything, or if its bad) and why or why not she liked it, etc...
all i can say is maybe make it a learning experience. other than that i truly have no idea what to tell you.

[Maluhia]

I would take her to her family Dr. and have her take an HIV test "just in case" - my Mom did this to me and and made me think of what bad decisions I could have made, or could have forgotten if I made for being so drunk. I've heard of girls getting STD tested with the same outcome but that rubs me the wrong way - a simple blood test seems less invasive but with the same mental ending and conversation opener.

It all depends on YOUR daughter and how YOU feel she would react, how well you'll be able to discuss this, etc.

[lovebug]

s

[Eben'sMama]

Maybe wake her up really early tomorrow morning by playing loud music and ask her if she wants some eggs? That's what my grandma did when my Dad and his brothers would come home drunk--that way, they really got the full effect of the hangover. I'm half-joking--not sure if you'd actually want to do that...

I agree with the PP about making it a learning experience. If you put too much energy into making it "bad" or "taboo," it's only going to make it seem more appealing. I do agree about not letting her go anywhere without adult supervision for a (long) while. Explain to her that she has broken your trust and must regain it. Hugs to you, mama.

[transformed]

Love her.

People make mistakes.

You must be scared to death for her.

[wwisdomskr]

I have some things to share later today...based on my own experiences as a teenager. I'll be back.

Right now, IMHO, there is nothing more important than your relationship with your dd. This is what will sustain you both through the weeks and years ahead. Tell her you're angry and disappointed and that you need time to process this. Tell her you cannot tolerate this behavior. But, also tell her that you love her more than the earth, moon and stars combined and that you are soo, soo glad that she came home to you safely.

[KBecks]

Love her and give her the I'm very disappointed talk.

[allgirls]

I just woke her up...I am too angry to deal with her right now..it will all blow up.

She was to sleep over at a friends. They were to go to a hockey game. I generally don't let her go to the hockey games unsupervised. They stole booze from the mom's liquor cabinet and put it in a water bottle, the daughter where they were staying didn't drink but her mom is still really upset because she helped steal it and didn't stop them.

They drank it at the arena and my daughter was drunkest. I don't know if she drank the most but the other girl had some too.

When the other mom picked them up she didn't notice, they all piled into the back seat and then went into the basement family room etc.

She passed out right away as did the other girl.

The mom got a call from a friend who was at the arena saying "I hope your kid's not hanging around with the drunk kid" etc.a

so mom woke them up and they were busted. She brought my dd home. The other girl is there for the weekend because her parents are away.

The other mom apologised for not seeing them steal the booze and not noticing right away.

The only thing I want to find out is if the other girl actually didn't drink..I think that sounds fishy..she let them take the booze, smuggled it out in her purse..anyway..I guess that really doesn't matter.

And she took my digicam with her without my permission and it didn't come home so I don't know if she lost it at the arena or at her friend's house.

I am mostly scared. Her dad is an alcoholic and right now is in jail for drug trafficking. I think if that wasn't her background I would be in a different frame of mind about this.

This is very serious. She got her report card and was disappointed in her grades even though they were pretty good.

uh..what a mess...writing it out actually seems to have calmed me down.

My oldest had a rough time starting at 13 but now at 17 is turning a corner. Now I feel like it's starting all over again...gah..and I have 2 more daughters...grrrrrrrrrr

thanks for your replies ladies...it's all really helpful.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by transformed

Love her.

People make mistakes.

You must be scared to death for her.

Originally Posted by KBecks

Love her and give her the I'm very disappointed talk.

yep. mama

[allgirls]

The first thing I am doing is making her track down my digicam. I hope she didn't lose it.

Then she is getting a talk beginning with how horribly she treated her friend's mom who invited her into her home and then they steal from her and put in an awful position. She seems like such a nice lady too, very understanding etc.

Then she is going door to door in our neighborhood selling her chocolates for her fundraiser from school.

I know she is upset because we are losing the principal at our school also. I wonder if that's part of it. He's being transferred in January. The kids love him and are all very upset.

I dunno..I want to lock her away but I guess best I can do is lock away the liquor

[Marsupialmom]

Thank the girls mom for honesty!!

I snuck alcohol at that age the mom might not know the truth or does and is embarrassed they got one by her.

Your dd could have drank more to show off and to get attention from the other girls. She also could have a different metabolism than the other girl/s and get drunker faster on a lot less alcohol.

As for you dd side. Don't expect it to be the full truth. There is a lot of peer pressure at that age.

I would put it back onto her. You drank and got drunk what do you think should happen? What do you think could have happen?

Please don't equate this one incident as she is alcoholic or on the path of alcoholism. Don't say I lived with it with your father I am not going to live with it again. That will do more to damage your relationship. It says YOU WILL NOT LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT. That is what your 13 year old will hear. Depending on her feelings towards dad she will take it as you are saying she is bad and worthless.

[allgirls]

I think the honesty was squeezed out of them. I think we have the full story. It was my dd's idea. The others jumped at it.

I think the peer pressure comes from the others at the arena. She as talking to a kid earlier in the day that is a terrible influence, bragging about drinking and smoking etc. I think my dd likes to impress this "popular" crowd and whenever she hangs out with them at all, even a phone call something happens.

When she said she was with her today walking home from the library my first instinct was "trouble will happen" just because of the past. And to make matters worse she likes a boy in this group.

and these kids are not bad either..just terribly unsupervised with some stressful home lives.

And there is nothing supervised kids can do around here.

I think I am going to fix up my basement with a tv and dvd player and let a couple of the teens hang out there on Friday and Saturday nights. I am always home.

They just need to be quiet when the little ones are asleep and go home when it's done.

anyway..better go talk to her.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

Thank the girls mom for honesty!!

I snuck alcohol at that age the mom might not know the truth or does and is embarrassed they got one by her.

Your dd could have drank more to show off and to get attention from the other girls. She also could have a different metabolism than the other girl/s and get drunker faster on a lot less alcohol.

As for you dd side. Don't expect it to be the full truth. There is a lot of peer pressure at that age.

I would put it back onto her. You drank and got drunk what do you think should happen? What do you think could have happen?

: The only other thing I can think of is closer supervision, I started drinking when I was 14.. basically spending the night at friends houses and sneaking alcohol like your dd did. I was busted when I started skipping school and my grades went down. It didn't stop me but in my case tigher reigns probably would have helped but as the mother of an almost 16 yo ds I know its a hard balancing act.

Probably the only bright spot for me is that by my early 20's I pretty much gave up drinking not because there was a problem but just because after drinking through my teens years, the thrill was gone.

Talk to her..

Shay

[spero]

Oh, mama ... I have BTDT w/my son and I know how angry, sick, and scared you must feel. We had a very similar incident w/DS last year (right about this time, in fact) and it was HORRIBLE. DH just went totally knee-jerk postal on him, while I tried to get him to open up and talk to me about why he was making these poor choices. As it turned out, he was having a lot of girlfriend/school problems - insignificant to an adult, but of course everything to a teenager.

Almost a year later, DS is finally getting his bedroom door back.

Originally Posted by transformed

Love her.

People make mistakes.

You must be scared to death for her.

ITA with the above, and with this:

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

Thank the girls mom for honesty!!

Thank her for her honesty, her understanding, and her willingness to bring your DD home safely to you. I hope the digicam is found.

Praying that you and your DD can mend fences and find peace & healing today.

[cottonwood]

As far as the alcohol use in itself: I vote for closer supervision too, and just being honest about the effects (on both her and other people.) I would stay far, far way from the guilt-tripping. Who has that ever worked for when it was done to them? It's manipulative and only works (if at all) short term. In order for her to be able to take true responsibility for her behavior, she has to accept it based on her own understanding of why it's not good for her. Otherwise, she's going to obsess about it (like we all do with things we want that are "bad" for us) and at some point sneak around to get it. And then she'll have "lost your trust" even more, and it'll just keep deteriorating into a vicious cycle. Until she's old enough that she doesn't have somebody policing her, when she might (if she's lucky) finally figure out how to take care of herself.

The stealing is another matter. She should be making restitution and apology in some way.

[transformed]

I think 13 is about the age when people often (not ALWAYS) experiment with alchohol. I did at 13...(I didnt "start drinking" but I tried a little bit starting at that age.)

My dh "started smoking pot" at age 10. (Upper middle class family with totally attentive parents.) :

I feel like even though its scary and devistating...it is within the realm of normal.

[allgirls]

I did thank the mom for her honest..last night..we had a good chat.

I talked to my daughter..she's not all that remorseful at this point.

As to supervision. I told her that it's obvious that she's unable to make good choices when left to her own devices so now there will always be an adult supervising her. She won't go to a movie with her friends unless a parent is sitting in the theatre with her or a hockey game unless an adult is sitting in the seat next to her also.

There is no one home so I don't know where my camera is..she said she didn't take it to the arena.

She will not be sleeping at other people's houses either and no one will be sleeping here. We have no alcohol..well fil left some scotch...maybe I should keep an eye on it.

There really isn't anything for teens to do.

I am looking into piano lessons for her. there is a teacher here in town. I am also looking into a youth group. I think there is one at the local United Church. We live in a small town and have to drive to bigger town for activities and with the little ones I can't do it always.

In June she will get a job. That will keep her busy..idle hands and all that.

She's going out to sell her mint smoothies now. It's -15C...and windy. She is going around our subdivision only where I can see her and taking my cell so I can keep track of her.

I was supposed to paint pottery today..guess my plans are ruined unless dh gets home before 3pm. I can't leave her alone with the little ones..she was supposed to be my babysitter but I can't trust her alone now.

sigh..why is this so hard?

[allgirls]

So they had about half of a 500ml water bottle. Two of the girls drank it..so quarter of a bottle of vodka each. She was falling down, staggery drunk, the other girl wasn't as bad but still drunk.

I am kind of glad she was drunk..because she was so staggery people noticed..if her tolerance had been higher she would have gotten away with it.

I am just trying to breathe through the day